DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

[Adharvan]

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

@WouldBeGood

It’s only one day a week, it’s a healthy activity, and it’s his passion. I think YABU.

It is presumably not all year round either?

Whilst leaving the OP have no time for herself at all ever?

And When the OP

• has no help during the night with the baby because he isn’t there
• has to deal with a autistic child too (se tantrums, lack of flexibility etc….)
• is ill with two different issues at the same time (Please don’t tell me you think endometriosis is ‘mild’ and the OP shouod just get in with it….)
• has repeatedly lied about stopping rugby, including when they were talking about having a 3rc child - he said he would stop then as he was getting too old…

Yes yes it’s ok for parents to have time for themselves. But not at the detriment of their spouse, not at the detriment of their Dcs (no time together as a family ever).
Once again, it’s only men who are told it’s ok to opt out parenting/family life ‘because they deserve time out for their hobby’. Nothing about the woman who has so little time for herself that being away for one hour to the hairdresser is a massive event.

I'm always on the side of trying to make hobbies work, as it's good for mental health and keeps you grounded especially in when managing little children. Is there anyway day in the week he can reciprocate and give you a day off in return? Or any way to increase his duties with the children in return?

Working all night and then going to get some exercise. Think a day can be allowed

YABU

How many hours is he working a week? 4 nights is 45 hours, so 5 would be around 56? No wonder it feels like he is out the house a lot! I'm guessing he sticks to nightshift sleep patterns on his days off too?

I work nights because I get to spend more time with the kids but it does mean that I'm permanently tired and often fall asleep for 20 mins on the couch at 6pm. When I come off nights I only sleep 9-11am then I'm up so I can have a full afternoon/evening off. Then when I'm going on to a night shift I would have a 1-2 hour nap during the day but the rest of the day is time with the kids. So if I was your DH I'd sleep until 11 on Sunday then play some rugby then be back for afternoon/evening with my family. Then I would sleep once the kids were in bed Sunday night until Monday am. Then Monday you should have at least a morning off for your self (not just a haircut but maybe a class/meeting some friends) while he sorts all 3 kids and he is doing bath and bedtime Monday night and he can get the kids sorted Tuesday (apart from 2 hour nap in the afternoon). Between shifts he obviously would have to sleep when he gets in and wake up ready for work (though in practice I'd never sleep later than 3pm for a 1930 shift).

My DH tells me it can be a bit miserable and lonely being the spouse of a nightshifter. He does bedtime with the kids and then has his tea and usually ends up going to his bed just after that!

Can you not get time for yourself on weekdays when he’s up and before he goes to work?

I just think it’s not unreasonable to have a one day a week hobby for a few hours with the camaraderie of a team you know.

Things will also get less full on with the DCs as they get older and there’s the summer approaching.

@PinkCheetah

I'm always on the side of trying to make hobbies work, as it's good for mental health and keeps you grounded especially in when managing little children. Is there anyway day in the week he can reciprocate and give you a day off in return? Or any way to increase his duties with the children in return?

Well clearly not.

The DH has now not slept at all last night so will be sleeping all day today.
And no doubt he will be sleeping tomorrow in preparation for his night shift….

There is a reason why the OP said she feels like a single parent. He is never there (and when he is, he is sleeping)

Can you not get time for yourself on weekdays when he’s up and before he goes to work?

I’m going to o have a guess.
He is sleeping until about 3.00pm everyday. That’s the time the OP will be picking the dcs from school.

Do you think it’s the right time for her to have ‘some time for herself’ before he goes to work?

It seems like you need to juggle your plans and expectations. Your weekend is disrupted by his work on Friday and Saturday night, not by him having a few hours at rugby. Sunday night through to Tuesday afternoon you have him available. That is your weekend; set up some time for you personally to recharge and some time together. Having 3 kids where one is a baby, of course it's tough for you as a family, it's genuinely just a lot of work. Each of you deserves at least 5 hours to do something extra that you want, and a few hours of extra sleep whenever suits.

Agh no, I couldn’t deal with this at all. I don’t think night shifts are compatible with a young family as it is but deciding to also do a hobby which means there’s zilch weekend time with his family is just selfish.

I was hoping he'd have grabbed a few hours at the tail end of the night (say from 5ish after babies last feed) so he was alert enough to have the kids without me worrying about him falling asleep whilst I'm at the hair dressers.

Nope. He stayed awake until 8.30am this morning before going to sleep and I leave for the hair dressers at 11. I'll be there a few hours as I'm having a colour and restyle.

This isn't turning into the relaxing treat I thought it would be as ill now be worrying he's fallen asleep with the baby on his lap or something.

Nights just doesn't work does it? As per the rugby though he won't be told.

I have asked him several times to find a day job but I'm met with total defiance. He says it's because he'll need to retrain as something else, go into a different field, we're comfortable with the money he currently contributes etc.

All of which is true however could be subject to change with less inconvenience than his current life causes.

@Adharvan

I have asked him several times to find a day job but I'm met with total defiance. He says it's because he'll need to retrain as something else, go into a different field, we're comfortable with the money he currently contributes etc.

All of which is true however could be subject to change with less inconvenience than his current life causes.

Have you told him how you see his nights impacting you and your family life?

Yes, he says when all is said and done it's just how it has to be for now as changing jobs isn't that easy and he can't just wave a magic wand.

@Adharvan

Yes, he says when all is said and done it's just how it has to be for now as changing jobs isn't that easy and he can't just wave a magic wand.

Your life as it is isn't that easy either. And you're not asking him to wave a magic wand but to look seriously into the possibilities for changing and improving your life as a family.

@Adharvan

Yes, he says when all is said and done it's just how it has to be for now as changing jobs isn't that easy and he can't just wave a magic wand.

That says a lot more about how he values family life than it does anything else…

He is unbelievably selfish doing the absolute least he can get away with.

A selfish loser.

You poor woman.

Tell your mother the truth.

He only cares about himself.

A friend of mine divorced her dh because (amongst other reasons) he wouldn’t swap jobs from one that was purely nights. It would drive me nuts.

Drop the kids off at his rugby game and tell him to grow the duck up

Yes, he says when all is said and done it's just how it has to be for now as changing jobs isn't that easy and he can't just wave a magic wand.

That may be true, but he has to start carrying the can for it, not you. So no rugby until he sorts a job that's more compatible with family life, because he just can't afford that leisure time, sorry.

I hope you manage to enjoy your hair appointment op.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation , it sounds like your husband doesn't care how difficult your life is. I guess your options are limited to putting up with it or making him give you some child free time by leaving. I can confirm that life as a single parent is much easier as you can focus on yourself and the children and make a routine that works for you all. And also you get the odd weekend to yourself to sleep and relax.

The problem is the job not the hobby. He needs to put all he can into finding a different job where at least some shifts or preferably all shifts were daytime. He can go back to solely nights when the kids are older. I get it might not be easy but if you knew he was at least trying his hardest to find a different job I'm sure you'd feel somewhat better.

After his sunday night sleep i would say that my hobby is going to a nice hotel on monday and staying until 2 on Tuesdsy!
Half joking.
Only half.

I had a fair amount of sympathy for him at the start of this thread but the more you say, it's clear that he's utterly selfish. It's just that unfortunately it took the third child for this utter selfishness to become apparent, presumably because until then you were able to manage so that his occasional input was a nice to have rather than critical. I think sadly you have to decide whether you'd be better off as a single parent or if you'd rather just suck this awful time up - though I admit I dread to think what it will be like when you go back to work. I can't imagine his attitude and defiance does much to sustain any love you had for him though. Awful man.

I don't think he sounds utterly terrible, just wilfully ignorant of what OP's life is like. He needs a day and a night with all three kids alone, like OP has at least 5 days a week. He needs to FEEL the difficulty level he's imposing on his wife. Will you do it OP? Decamp to a friend's or your mother's next Sunday eve and don't come back til Tuesday morning

@Adharvan

I was hoping he'd have grabbed a few hours at the tail end of the night (say from 5ish after babies last feed) so he was alert enough to have the kids without me worrying about him falling asleep whilst I'm at the hair dressers.

Nope. He stayed awake until 8.30am this morning before going to sleep and I leave for the hair dressers at 11. I'll be there a few hours as I'm having a colour and restyle.

This isn't turning into the relaxing treat I thought it would be as ill now be worrying he's fallen asleep with the baby on his lap or something.

Nights just doesn't work does it? As per the rugby though he won't be told.

This doesn't make sense. Why is he up all night if he's not working? Doing a late feed at 11/12, sure. Up for half an hour at 5/6 if needed got another feed, yep. What is he doing the rest of the night? If it's laundry, washing up, tidying the house, cleaning bathrooms etc then it just needs some gentle chat. If it's TV, gaming and mucking about on the internet then he needs to buck his ideas up.