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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding cancellation

171 replies

hugoevelyn · 13/02/2022 19:31

Hi - I really want to keep this neutral and get some opinions without revealing which person I am in this scenario…

If your partner came to you and told you they wanted to cancel the wedding you were planning together and elope, would you do it? The partner wanting to cancel (Partner A) has always wanted to do this and has compromised on a more traditional wedding up until this point but has begun to feel that it’s too much to ask of them to continue with it. Partner B wants a wedding with their family there, which has always been their primary concern. Deposits have been paid and would be lost if cancelled.

What would be your approach in this situation?

OP posts:

babyjellyfish · 13/02/2022 19:33

Why does Partner A feel it is too much?

Riverlee · 13/02/2022 19:33

Why doesn’t A want a traditional wedding?

Can you compromise and scale the wedding down? Ie. Only have immediate family, followed by a simple meal.

drpet49 · 13/02/2022 19:34

Yes because I couldn’t and wouldn’t force someone to marry me

ChittyBangs · 13/02/2022 19:34

Any room for compromise?

TurquoiseBaubles · 13/02/2022 19:35

I too would vote for a compromise.

I don't think it's unreasonable to NOT want a big wedding. There is a massive space for compromise between eloping as a couple and having a traditional wedding.

TurquoiseBaubles · 13/02/2022 19:37

And deposits should be the last thing to be considered. Losing the deposit is negligible compared to what could be lost if Partner B forces Partner A to continue.

It's going to cost a hell of a lot more than the deposit if you go ahead, whether Partner A turns up on the day or not.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 13/02/2022 19:37

I'd be on the side of the eloper (or is that elopee?) mainly because it's what DH and I should have done years before we got hitched.

Especially if the compromise means tons of family and friends attending, so it's moved from small and intimate to St Pauls won't be big enough.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/02/2022 19:38

Is there a compromise?? So a very small wedding attended only by family with a celebration dinner at a lovely restaurant.

I’d expect both people to try and find something that works for both of them. I can see both points of view. If person A is socially anxious then a traditional wedding may be terrifying. They have obviously been trying hard to go along with it but really feel they can’t.

maddening · 13/02/2022 19:39

What are the deposits on? You can have the ceremony elsewhere but still use the venue for a party with friends and family?

JayAlfredPrufrock · 13/02/2022 19:40

I’m a snarky bitch so I’d cancel the whole shebang, not get married and move on.

But if you truly love each other there must be a compromise.

Grumpsy · 13/02/2022 19:40

To be honest I wouldn’t want to cancel to elope if deposits had been paid. For me personally cancelling at that point would mean cancelling the wedding full so as the time to compromise was prior to making arrangements and making bookings - by that point the plan should be agreed. The plan for weddings in my view should always be agreed by both, and in some instances there will need to be compromises. For me personally the partner wanting to cancel and go ahead with an elopement isn’t willing to compromise.

The only reason I can see to cancel the plans and elope is if the concern was financial - if going ahead with a bigger wedding would cause financial distress afterwards, but again this should have been discussed prior to booking anything.

That’s just my view and I know others may feel differently.

RandomMess · 13/02/2022 19:40

I would try to compromise.

Original poster

hugoevelyn · 13/02/2022 19:40

The wedding is already extremely small - 15 guests. There isn’t much more compromising to do.

A recent change in family dynamics has just freaked Person A out, so what felt comfortable before now feels like it may be too stressful.

OP posts:

trevthecat · 13/02/2022 19:40

We eloped. I wanted a small wedding with just family and dh wanted to go just us. It was perfect for us. We had the most amazing time. We had a party about 6 weeks after (would of been sooner but covid restrictions meant we waited). For me I feel we made the right decision. It was all about us. It was so relaxed, we got ready together, booked amazing food, few drinks. We rented an Airbnb with an amazing roof terrace to watch the sun set. It was honestly perfect and so romantic

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 13/02/2022 19:40

So A wants to elope and B wants a full shebang big wedding?

You both want to get married so the best solution is compromise in the middle. Find a quirky venue like a lighthouse that can only accommodate 20, and only have immediate family and a meal in a pub or restaurant after.

Focus on having fun and good food, don’t go all out, just enjoy yourselves. Dress from monsoon or secondhand, but a new suit that’ll get worn again, no bridesmaids, no speeches, just really good meal and lots of bubbly.

Returnoftheowl · 13/02/2022 19:40

I think s compromise of a scaled down wedding of possible?
Why did person A leave it until after the deposits were paid to speak up?
It would be unreasonable for person B to force them into a wedding they didn't want, but it's also unreasonable for person A to expect person A to give up having their family at their wedding at this point.
From both points of view I would be worried about communication going into this marriage.

Wnkingawalrus · 13/02/2022 19:40

If a couple can’t agree on the wedding I would probably see that as a sign they shouldn’t be getting married to be honest. Not exactly a good start.

Grumpsy · 13/02/2022 19:42

Just to add I feel it may be better for partner B to compromise and reduce the size of the wedding, close friends and family maybe?

Xiaoxiong · 13/02/2022 19:42

It totally depends on why Person A is getting cold feet - and tbh if they're getting cold feet about the wedding, or getting married at all.

Are they socially anxious? Can't stand someone who is coming to a larger wedding? Worrying about finances? Wants the day to be just about them and if there are any guests they feel obligated to be a people pleasing host?

It's excellent practice for relationship communication!

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 13/02/2022 19:42

Well, if partner B pushes on with it, they risk partner A not turning up.

trevthecat · 13/02/2022 19:43

Oh and reasons for eloping on his side were, nerves of doing vows, speeches etc neither of us like being centre of attention, cost, people pleasing (bridewmaids, food, venue etc my family can be difficult) and he also said he felt he wanted it to be all about us, no one else, us making vows to each other. Which is very much us, we are quite private anyway

JayAlfredPrufrock · 13/02/2022 19:46

Family dynamics change all the time.

A needs to suck it up.

Thewindwhispers · 13/02/2022 19:48

If people actually read the thread they will see that OP isn’t asking for a ‘big wedding’ there are only 15 guests. It is already scaled down, presumably to please A.

OP, obviously, it’s a very tricky situation wirh no simple answer. If it was me, my approach would be to set out the following to my partner:

I am not going to elope, because as I have always said I need my family there when I marry.

So the only question is whether the current wedding can be altered to make you (partner A) more comfortable, or if you just aren’t happy to go ahead with the wedding at all. Which would be a massive big deal.

If you (A) still want to marry but are unhappy with th currnt family wedsing, then what type of family wedding would you be comfortable with? Eg registry office vs church, white gown vs modern.

If A is unhappy with the current wedding plan then it is for A to suggest changes to it. Suggesting elopement is not a solution, it’s running away from his problems and dumping all of the family upset on you.

titchy · 13/02/2022 19:50

Given that it is already a very small wedding and is presumably the compromise between both of them it should go ahead. Totally unfair to ask one to elope when they really want their family.

How serious is the dynamic change? Can something be rejigged to avoid whatever it is that might happen?

mumwon · 13/02/2022 19:51

family dynamics - hmm MIL from hell perhaps? or siblings wanting dc to attend & complaining, or step children coming but stepmother either wants them to & wants special clothes or won't come. Or complaints about the food venue religious ceremony/ or none etc etc & dp (which ever variety male/female)

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