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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding cancellation

171 replies

hugoevelyn · 13/02/2022 19:31

Hi - I really want to keep this neutral and get some opinions without revealing which person I am in this scenario…

If your partner came to you and told you they wanted to cancel the wedding you were planning together and elope, would you do it? The partner wanting to cancel (Partner A) has always wanted to do this and has compromised on a more traditional wedding up until this point but has begun to feel that it’s too much to ask of them to continue with it. Partner B wants a wedding with their family there, which has always been their primary concern. Deposits have been paid and would be lost if cancelled.

What would be your approach in this situation?

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 13/02/2022 20:57

@hugoevelyn

The change in family dynamics is that one of A’s siblings has just been discovered to be having an affair. They’re a very close family and the fall out is proving to be pretty insane. Wedding is in 8 months so there is some water to go under the bridge but at the moment A is just reeling and can’t imagine a wedding with their scumbag sibling there, but also that’s going to cause a massive rift in the family anyway. It’s a mess, and so hard because prior to last week everything was going so well and A and B were so excited and happy. It’s just been a bomb, tbh.
Bit of a kneejerk reaction to cancel everything because of a "scumbag sibling" and their recent revelations.

It's 8 months away - a lot can change by then. At worst, you cancel but at best the couple tell everyone involved to pack in their nonsense and celebrate the happy couple. And disinvite the sibling and anyone else that can't behave.

Don't punish yourselves for someone else's arseholery.

TenoringBehind · 13/02/2022 20:57

A and B are not suited and this will be the first of many issues they will disagree on.
Honestly, I think you should postpone or call it off.

Georgieporgie29 · 13/02/2022 20:57

I think it’s unfair for B to be ‘punished’ because of something A’s sibling has done

Riverlee · 13/02/2022 21:18

Why don’t you have bride and groom, and parents only?

FailingAllotmenteur · 13/02/2022 21:28

@Dontbeme

The partner wanting to cancel (Partner A) has always wanted to do this

So the sibling affair fallout is just an excuse then to force their own way? If it wasn't affair fallout it would be something else, I would advise B to take a step back and think what other ways A has insisted on things going their way and if B really wants to spend their life always being the one to compromise on what they want in life. It can be a long, lonely life always putting yourself last.

I agree with this.

The change in family dynamics is that one of A’s siblings has just been discovered to be having an affair.

The word being "just". And the wedding is 8 months away? Both A and B need to chill out. This all sounds like a massive drama.

Unless, of course, as suggested above, A is having a massive kneejerk reaction which happens to conveniently align with what they wanted all along anyway...

PurplePansy05 · 13/02/2022 21:37

Tricky. In few months' time you might feel a lot calmer about the situation. The wedding is already very small anyway, I'd think that's already a compromise.

I am in two minds about it because whilst I understand A's discomfort, I don't think a compromise means going 100% one person's way, it's usually meeting in between. But then you sort of are in between atm because it's a very small wedding anyway. I'd be concerned that B might feel resentful longer term if they really do not want to elope. So, only elope if both partners are truly comfortable with it.

I will say, after 10 yrs of marriage, in hindsight I would've 100% eloped and saved the money. Even though we had a fun wedding, honestly, the amount of money, stress, preparation isn't worth it, and often having the family there proves to be a photo op and not much else...as far as I've learned, families don't always turn out to be lovely and supportive throughout your lifetime to justify so much effort for them.

CookieMunch · 13/02/2022 21:37

I’d wait a few weeks and see how the situation settles. If everyone is going to be fighting in the lead up to the wedding and on the day then there’s no point. What if you elope or stay in UK and just do a Registry office with a couple of witnesses but tell a few of B’s family the details so they can join. Your excuse for have a few of B’s family is that you legally need some witnesses to sign the forms.

CookieMunch · 13/02/2022 21:39

Or just uninvite the problematic ones from As family?

Blueeilidh · 13/02/2022 21:45

You need to let the situation calm down before making decisions

LaChanticleer · 13/02/2022 21:47

A recent change in family dynamics has just freaked Person A out, so what felt comfortable before now feels like it may be too stressful.

Then I think Person B needs to proceed gently and lovingly in this situation even a small ceremony involving only 15 people might need to be rethought.

Presumably they love each other and care about each other, and this is far more important than a wedding, however small or paid for.

Daenerys77 · 13/02/2022 21:55

I don't care for big weddings, but even I am on Team B. Not because of the deposit but because Person A sounds very high maintenance and does Person B really want to sign up for a lifetime of drama?

JustLyra · 13/02/2022 21:59

I think it’s very unfair to expect B to sacrifice their family being at an already tiny wedding because A’s sibling has caused drama.

You also say “one of A’s siblings” so how many of the 15 guests are A’s family and how many are B’s? Can A’s side be trimmed down any to make them feel better?

Marimaur · 13/02/2022 22:07

It’s hard to judge whilst not understanding the exact reason why partner A is freaking out - If it’s regular family politics or something worse.

Marimaur · 13/02/2022 22:10

Sorry - just read the rest of the OP’s posts Blush
I wouldn’t let that situation affect it or ask partner b to do something against their wishes cos someone else in the family has behaved badly.

Viviennemary · 13/02/2022 22:21

Not sure. There is no simple answer. They will have to come to an agreement about the way forward. I think the person who wants to cancel has left it too late. But maybe they did speak up and was ignored.

irishfarmer · 13/02/2022 22:31

If the affair only came to light last week the shock should be passed by the time of the wedding. The wedding is already just 15 people I don't think it is fair to person who wants family there to cut it down further. Worst comes to worst could ye uninvite the cheating sibling?

godmum56 · 13/02/2022 22:32

@hugoevelyn

The change in family dynamics is that one of A’s siblings has just been discovered to be having an affair. They’re a very close family and the fall out is proving to be pretty insane. Wedding is in 8 months so there is some water to go under the bridge but at the moment A is just reeling and can’t imagine a wedding with their scumbag sibling there, but also that’s going to cause a massive rift in the family anyway. It’s a mess, and so hard because prior to last week everything was going so well and A and B were so excited and happy. It’s just been a bomb, tbh.
well I have huge sympathy and would agree to elope . I would explain to my (non imploding) family what the problem is and sort some kind of celebration later. This is because I wouldn't want my wedding day to turn into an episode from Eastenders.
C152 · 13/02/2022 22:32

I would cancel the wedding, yes. Why would I put my partner through - what would be for them - a horrendous day when it should be a happy occassion for us both? Also, losing the deposits is not the end of the world. Expensive, annoying, disappointing etc., etc., but you'll get over it. Being married to the wrong person, or starting a marriage with potential resentment over what you feel the other person forced you to do is worse.

As to eloping, I would only elope if it was something I wanted to do, and I was certain that my partner actually still wanted to get married.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/02/2022 22:32

Yes, I would (have) absolutely elope(d).

Flickflak · 13/02/2022 22:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Gazelda · 13/02/2022 23:04

I'd take all talk of the wedding of the table for 2 weeks. There's no hurry to make a decision and in a couple of weeks things might have settled down and both A and B might feel differently.

For what it's worth, A seems to be calling all of the shots.

If A gets their way, they will have the wedding they always wanted versus B who will get the wedding they didn't want.

If you go ahead with the 15 person wedding, A will have shown they can compromise on not eloping and B will have compromised by not having the church/frock/16bridesmaids extravaganza.

OnlyAFleshWound · 13/02/2022 23:09

Speaking as someone who had only four wedding guests precisely to avoid family issues - and would have had zero if we could have - I think A has every right not to be forced into this horrible situation.

If my husband had put pressure on or tried to force me to go for a bigger wedding we wouldn't have got married (or stayed together long term) at all.

Because it would have meant that he prioritised other people's wishes over ours.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/02/2022 23:21

So A's siblings cheats and now B shouldnt be allowed their family at the wedding. Grossly unfair. V

In 8 months things will be settled one way or the other. Either A will be NC with sibling or the feeling of crisis will have passed.

A is making both relationships all about them.

22Newnames · 13/02/2022 23:27

A shouldn’t now change their mind when they have already agreed on what is already a compromise for B.

I think A is being unreasonable even with recent events.

Totalwasteofpaper · 13/02/2022 23:37

Nope. I wouldn't cancel or be willing to adjust my plans further if I was B.

Rationale:
15 is already tiny and a compromise.
A is moving the goal posts.
A is having a knee jerk reaction and panicking. Lay of the land will be v diff in 8 months.