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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding cancellation

171 replies

hugoevelyn · 13/02/2022 19:31

Hi - I really want to keep this neutral and get some opinions without revealing which person I am in this scenario…

If your partner came to you and told you they wanted to cancel the wedding you were planning together and elope, would you do it? The partner wanting to cancel (Partner A) has always wanted to do this and has compromised on a more traditional wedding up until this point but has begun to feel that it’s too much to ask of them to continue with it. Partner B wants a wedding with their family there, which has always been their primary concern. Deposits have been paid and would be lost if cancelled.

What would be your approach in this situation?

OP posts:

stealthninjamum · 13/02/2022 19:54

My first thought is that when the wedding is already small it seems unreasonable to elope. But I suppose it depends on the change in family dynamics - for example if parents of person A have separated and would be difficult at the wedding then I could understand it a bit more.

Qwill · 13/02/2022 19:55

Could you elope beforehand, then use the original venue as a celebratory dinner, so everyone will be there which appeases the one who wants a bigger wedding, but the other person also gets their elopement and less pressure.

KatherineJaneway · 13/02/2022 19:58

If he wedding is already small, I don't understand why the need to elope. I'd go ahead with it. It is hardly a big ask.

goawaystormy · 13/02/2022 20:00

And deposits should be the last thing to be considered. Losing the deposit is negligible compared to what could be lost if Partner B forces Partner A to continue.

What about what could be lost if Partner A forces Partner B to go with their plan and get married without any family at all. Partner B's wants and emotions are just as important as Partner A's.

I know MN loves to suggest eloping but I couldn't get married without my parents there, I don't have sibling so it's irrelevent to me but I assume for someone who has and gets on with them they'd feel the same way about their sibling too . 15 is already small presumably to appease partner A?

Whats 15 people?

Mother of Partner 1
Mother of Partner 2
Father of Partner 1
Father of Partner 2

The 11 remaining are presumably a mix of Siblings (possibly with their partners), Grandparents and 1 or 2 very close (as in like family) friends. It's already very small.

If the person I loved couldn't accept me wanting the other people I loved, who are very closest to me and will still remain in my life throughout the marriage (because I'm not one of those MN posters who wants to isolate their nuclear family) i'm afraid I would be questioning the marriage. Partner B's love and want for close family (and possibly friends) is just as important as Partner A's desire for solitude.

ChocolateMassacre · 13/02/2022 20:01

Unless there is a huge back story, Partner A sounds like really hard work. The wedding is already relatively tiny compared to most weddings and most people would want their immediate family at their wedding.

TurquoiseBaubles · 13/02/2022 20:03

So if the wedding is only 15 people, my next thought is that Person A may not want to get married at all, which is much more of a concern than just wanting to elope.

StartupRepair · 13/02/2022 20:05

If B is close to their family is this a sign that A intends to isolate them from their family after the wedding and doesn't see them sharing any life events? This would concern me.

Merryoldgoat · 13/02/2022 20:07

Given the wedding is 15 people I don’t really think that it can get smaller.

What is the actual issue? It sounds like there’s been a compromise already so I’d be wondering if they actually didn’t want to get married and this was an excuse.

LagunaBubbles · 13/02/2022 20:08

If there is only 15 people invited its hardly a big wedding in tne first place and I would seriously question why person A doesn't want their partner to have their family there.

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 20:08

They don't want to get married with literally closest relatives there only? You need to get to the crux of why it's an issue?

ChittyBangs · 13/02/2022 20:08

So 15 is small anyway yes.
Think we need to know the issue.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/02/2022 20:17

I think it would have to be wedding cancelled completely.

A doesn't want anyone there, B does. Neither is wrong or right. So if you can't compromise and both be happy, don't get married.

Georgieporgie29 · 13/02/2022 20:24

It sounds like there has already been a compromise. I think A is being unreasonable to ask this at such a late stage and I would be upset as B as I’ve already made the wedding small to accommodate A.
Obviously this could be different depending on the reason for the last minute change.

Original poster

hugoevelyn · 13/02/2022 20:25

The change in family dynamics is that one of A’s siblings has just been discovered to be having an affair. They’re a very close family and the fall out is proving to be pretty insane. Wedding is in 8 months so there is some water to go under the bridge but at the moment A is just reeling and can’t imagine a wedding with their scumbag sibling there, but also that’s going to cause a massive rift in the family anyway. It’s a mess, and so hard because prior to last week everything was going so well and A and B were so excited and happy. It’s just been a bomb, tbh.

OP posts:

mumda · 13/02/2022 20:25

Why do you need your family there?

Furbaby2842 · 13/02/2022 20:29

I think it's unfair of A to ask B to not have their family present just because of the drama with their sibling

sanbeiji · 13/02/2022 20:35

15 is tiny!
If partner A can't even handle a small thing like this, how will they cope with married life, and support their partner if needed. Will their needs always come FIRST?
If it's a temporary freak out I'd give things some time to calm down, and talk it over (I have ADD and can often get caught in a loop of catastrophic thinking).
But if A insists on cancelling the wedding I'd think long, and very hard, about whether the marriage should go ahead.

titchy · 13/02/2022 20:41

Ironically if they'd had a large wedding then the effect of the dodgy sibling would have been very diluted...

That's said, it's 8 months away. Things will calm down by then. If they haven't then I'd guess it would be possible to not invite the sibling? Really though although awkward, and the family must be very disappointed, they seem to be making it all about them, rather than the sibling and their poor spouse.

Alfixn · 13/02/2022 20:41

I think since the family situation has only just happened and the wedding is so far away, everybody should just let things settle for a while and see how they feel down the line. No need for knee jerk reactions now that might seem rash later.

Pbbananabagel · 13/02/2022 20:41

So A is already getting a compromise with a small wedding… issues are on A’s family’s side… and A wants B to give up the tiny amount of family they’re having with them on the day? Totally unreasonable imho, A needs to suck it up and tell their family they’re no longer invited if it’s that bad.

cherish123 · 13/02/2022 20:41

I suspect A finds the prospect of a large wedding overwhelming. B should not force A into a big wedding or they may chicken out altogether.

However, if deposits have been paid it is a bit unfair for A to put N in this position.

Nosetickle · 13/02/2022 20:44

The person wanting to elope should have insisted on that before the big traditional wedding was planned and deposits were paid. They are being unreasonable to agree to it and then back out. Surely a compromised between the two types of weddings could have been found when it was first being planned. Too late to back out now.

babyjellyfish · 13/02/2022 20:44

I can see why A feels the way they do but it is also understandable that B wants their family there.

B's family shouldn't be excluded from the wedding just because A's sibling has had an affair.

Awrite · 13/02/2022 20:50

If my dh had wanted to elope, I would have eloped. If he felt strongly, that is. Sounds like A feels strongly.

Dontbeme · 13/02/2022 20:55

The partner wanting to cancel (Partner A) has always wanted to do this

So the sibling affair fallout is just an excuse then to force their own way? If it wasn't affair fallout it would be something else, I would advise B to take a step back and think what other ways A has insisted on things going their way and if B really wants to spend their life always being the one to compromise on what they want in life. It can be a long, lonely life always putting yourself last.

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