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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding cancellation

171 replies

hugoevelyn · 13/02/2022 19:31

Hi - I really want to keep this neutral and get some opinions without revealing which person I am in this scenario…

If your partner came to you and told you they wanted to cancel the wedding you were planning together and elope, would you do it? The partner wanting to cancel (Partner A) has always wanted to do this and has compromised on a more traditional wedding up until this point but has begun to feel that it’s too much to ask of them to continue with it. Partner B wants a wedding with their family there, which has always been their primary concern. Deposits have been paid and would be lost if cancelled.

What would be your approach in this situation?

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 17:04

So if your partner said "it's really important to me that Dsis is there but if its too much and you don't want to get married I understand" you'd end the relationship?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 17:05

Sorry that was to @OnlyAFleshWound

affairsofdragons · 15/02/2022 17:11

@LagunaBubbles

If there is only 15 people invited its hardly a big wedding in tne first place and I would seriously question why person A doesn't want their partner to have their family there.

This

I'd have to wonder what's really going on, including the possibility they were hoping you would call the whole thing off out of frustration/anger/despair....

crosstalk · 15/02/2022 17:12

Just elope and lose the deposit - with 15 people even booked at the Ritz with overnight rooms, it can't be that much but I'm old.

OR go ahead and have an earlier elopement just the two of you, and keep the later booking open for when and if the dust settles .. and you can revise the guest list accordingly.

TurquoiseDragon · 15/02/2022 17:15

@Dontbeme

The partner wanting to cancel (Partner A) has always wanted to do this

So the sibling affair fallout is just an excuse then to force their own way? If it wasn't affair fallout it would be something else, I would advise B to take a step back and think what other ways A has insisted on things going their way and if B really wants to spend their life always being the one to compromise on what they want in life. It can be a long, lonely life always putting yourself last.

I think it’s unfair for B to be ‘punished’ because of something A’s sibling has done

If my partner wanted me to change/cancel my wedding because of something that wasn't even anything to do with me, I'd be absolutely livid and would seriously reconsider whether I wanted to be married to them at all, especially if there was also a financial hit to add insult to injury.

If I was a member of B's family, I'd be furious that I was being cutting out of my loved one's special day because a member of A's family couldn't behave like a decent human being.

It sounds like B has already compromised by having such a teeny wedding anyway. To ask/expect them to cull the numbers any more is very unreasonable. A sounds very selfish, and B should probably be reconsidering the whole relationship anyway.

I agree with all of these comments. I've also read all of the posts from OP, and agree with putting the wedding on the bak burner for now to allow things to calm down.

A wedding this small is already the compromise, and as we all expect to have only one wedding in our lives, I think I'd expect A to continue with the plans for the small wedding, not push for elopement.

OnlyAFleshWound · 15/02/2022 17:20

@SleepingStandingUp

So if your partner said "it's really important to me that Dsis is there but if its too much and you don't want to get married I understand" you'd end the relationship?

Like I said, I'm already married & we talked & listened to each other & got married in a way that didn't make either of us unhappy or uncomfortable. There was no conflict & neither of us imposed our views on the other. It was all pretty basic & minimal.

Perhaps the fact that we were (a) able to compromise with each other and (b) pretty much on the same page in terms of prioritising actually marrying each other & not giving a toss about public performative events is what really matters.

having said that, in terms of your precise question, I would find that a really strange request. And no, I wouldn't do it.

JustLyra · 15/02/2022 17:24

@crosstalk

Just elope and lose the deposit - with 15 people even booked at the Ritz with overnight rooms, it can't be that much but I'm old.

OR go ahead and have an earlier elopement just the two of you, and keep the later booking open for when and if the dust settles .. and you can revise the guest list accordingly.

Completely disregarding B’s wishes to have their family there all because A’s sibling has behaved badly and A’s parents will kick off if they’re uninvited, is hardly an equal start to the marriage

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 17:24

that didn't make either of us unhappy or uncomfortable which ultimately was my point. No judgement on anyone having any wedding that they're happy with.

I would find that a really strange request. And no, I wouldn't do it. sorry, comprehension fail here. You wouldn't do which bit? Break up or marry?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 17:26

And there is obv a caveat here about knowing if they have severe social anxiety etc so having even parents there would spin them into terror vs someone who just doesn't think it matters to them so shouldn't to their partner. Buy if someone had such severe social anxiety, it would already have come up as a potential issie

OnlyAFleshWound · 15/02/2022 17:27

@SleepingStandingUp

that didn't make either of us unhappy or uncomfortable which ultimately was my point. No judgement on anyone having any wedding that they're happy with.

I would find that a really strange request. And no, I wouldn't do it. sorry, comprehension fail here. You wouldn't do which bit? Break up or marry?

I wouldn't get married (or do anything else) in a way which made me very uncomfortable & unhappy. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted me to do something that made me very uncomfortable & unhappy. & if they wanted me to do it, against my wishes, for some reason of their own, even though it made me very uncomfortable & unhappy, I would probably realise that they didn't really care very much about me.

And yes, that can go both ways.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 17:30

Yes I agree with that @OnlyAFleshWound
Which was why I said don't get married. I asked the break up qn cos you mentioned ending a relationship over it. I don't think they need to split, I just don't think now is the time to marry if they cannot compromise

OnlyAFleshWound · 15/02/2022 17:37

@SleepingStandingUp

Yes I agree with that *@OnlyAFleshWound* Which was why I said don't get married. I asked the break up qn cos you mentioned ending a relationship over it. I don't think they need to split, I just don't think now is the time to marry if they cannot compromise

I feel like, if someone wanted me to do something that was so awful for me, for other people's sake, they wouldn't really care about me as an individual, but would just be using me as a prop to act out a fantasy. So it would probably result in the end of the relationship.

Once we had children and owned a property together, it was very important to be married (in my view). I wasn't interested in 'the trimmings'. I feel like ultimately a marriage is about two people committing to each other, and I am sceptical about any version of it that prioritises anything above that.

sanbeiji · 15/02/2022 19:23

@OnlyAFleshWound I wouldn’t say your position was a great compromise. You were compatible. You spouse would have liked family there but not a huge deal.

As we all know these are the foundation of a solid relationship , so if there’s a clash best called off.

sanbeiji · 15/02/2022 19:36

Also @OnlyAFleshWound x posted before your reply above!
Your situation is a bit different because the ship has already sailed, and not marrying would have left you at risk.

There’s a difference between pleasing people, and wanting family because you love them. You seem to have a bit of a skewed view, you think it’s only the former.

Maybe you’ve had bad experiences, which is why anything else makes you sceptical. But for many people marriage is a joining of two families. It certainly would be for DP and I, our families already know and support each other.

I wouldn’t say anybody’s view is ‘wrong’. Just that some things can’t be ‘comproimised’ on

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 20:51

But other people have different values. If someone referred to my wish to have family as an ‘performance’, and having an ‘audience’ I’d be very very hurt. It’s not just about the wedding. It’s a question of shared values.
This. If I said to DH it's really important my immediate family are there and he told me all I cared about was putting in a performance to fulfil a fantasy, it would suggest a level of incompatibility you and your DH obv don't have. If I met DH initially and he said I can't cope being around your family because I suffer anxiety in groups that would be perfectly reasonable, but it would suggest a level of incompatibility that would mean we wouldn't get to the point of babies and weddings.

22Newnames · 15/02/2022 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FourBookPiles · 15/02/2022 22:00

Depends on a whole load of factors - his reason, how far off the wedding was, how much money you’d lose, whether guests had been invited (and spent money in advance of attending).

LaChanticleer · 15/02/2022 22:06

To be honest, Person B isn’t that thrilled about the idea of having the sibling at the wedding either and would rather they don’t come at all, but uninviting them may cause more problems with A’s parents…

It sounds like whatever you do, you'll get through it. Good luck

Starlightstarbright1 · 15/02/2022 22:17

The point pf getting married is to commit to each other. Its the two people that matter not the guests.

JustLyra · 15/02/2022 22:20

@Starlightstarbright1

The point pf getting married is to commit to each other. Its the two people that matter not the guests.

And what they both want matters.

One of them wanting their immediate family there doesn’t make them a terrible person

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 22:32

Oh but @JustLyra, this is MN. Even knowing your witnesses or letting them watch means you're acting out some pathetic childish fantasy, don't care about anything but people giving you money for presents, barely love your partner and just see them as a bit part actor in your Instagram pictures.

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