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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding cancellation

171 replies

hugoevelyn · 13/02/2022 19:31

Hi - I really want to keep this neutral and get some opinions without revealing which person I am in this scenario…

If your partner came to you and told you they wanted to cancel the wedding you were planning together and elope, would you do it? The partner wanting to cancel (Partner A) has always wanted to do this and has compromised on a more traditional wedding up until this point but has begun to feel that it’s too much to ask of them to continue with it. Partner B wants a wedding with their family there, which has always been their primary concern. Deposits have been paid and would be lost if cancelled.

What would be your approach in this situation?

OP posts:
sanbeiji · 14/02/2022 09:26

@SleepingStandingUp

while the other is prioritising other people/ performing in public.

Only on MN would wanting your immediate family there to witness one of the most important days of your life be considered "performing in public"

Yeah. I feel sorry for all these people who don’t have a good relationship with their family, and can’t see why others would want them there.
bringonsummer2022 · 14/02/2022 09:30

If my husband had tried to exclude my family and friends from our wedding like that it would have been a sign we weren't compatible. I would have cancelled the wedding and reconsidered the relationship.

Original poster
hugoevelyn · 14/02/2022 09:42

@LaChanticleer

A recent change in family dynamics has just freaked Person A out, so what felt comfortable before now feels like it may be too stressful.

Then I think Person B needs to proceed gently and lovingly in this situation even a small ceremony involving only 15 people might need to be rethought.

Presumably they love each other and care about each other, and this is far more important than a wedding, however small or paid for.

I think this response sums it all up best for me. Thanks so much for all your thoughts - it’s been very helpful to read them and clarifying before I speak to my partner.

Bloody families! Wink

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/02/2022 10:11

So all of the posts saying YABU are being ignored in favour of the ONE that agrees that A should get their own way?

Alrightly then Hmm

godmum56 · 14/02/2022 10:19

@PyongyangKipperbang

So all of the posts saying YABU are being ignored in favour of the ONE that agrees that A should get their own way?

Alrightly then Hmm

like that is the FIRST time it has ever happened on MN Grin
SuPerDoPer · 14/02/2022 10:22

If one person really can't face the family drama maybe the whole thing needs to be re-thought? Ie postponing for a year or eloping. Or not bothering? Marriage isn't everything. I would never expect one partner to put up with a wedding that they really didn't want. Having family there is great if that's what you want but when you strip it back a wedding is about getting married and nothing else. You need to decide if this is actually what you want and if so if it needs to be this year. Don't worry about the money - it's spent anyway so whatever happens you won't see that again. But don't spend any more until you've agreed on the basics.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 14/02/2022 10:23

I would still get married, I wouldn’t want my bride or groom to feel uncomfortable and to be dreading the wedding.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/02/2022 10:24

@godmum56

Yeah....naive of me really :o

Original poster
hugoevelyn · 14/02/2022 10:29

@PyongyangKipperbang

So all of the posts saying YABU are being ignored in favour of the ONE that agrees that A should get their own way?

Alrightly then Hmm

I mean the part I was focusing on was:

“ Presumably they love each other and care about each other, and this is far more important than a wedding, however small or paid for.” And suggesting we proceed lovingly and sensitively.

This is a tricky situation we’re navigating and I’m happy to discuss compromises and changes as the most important thing is to be married. (Also you have no idea if I’m the one everyone is saying is UR or not!)

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 14/02/2022 10:37

Sorry i think A is using it as an excuse as theyve never wanted people at their wedding anyway

if ts not the sibling drama it will be something else

sanbeiji · 14/02/2022 10:46

@PyongyangKipperbang

So all of the posts saying YABU are being ignored in favour of the ONE that agrees that A should get their own way?

Alrightly then Hmm

i mean it’s the OP’s choice, who are we to stop them if they’re willing to put themselves last?

Women are socialised to be people pleasers with all this gentle/loving bull crap which is why years down the line many get pissed pff and find their voice!

anon12345678901 · 14/02/2022 10:46

OP you're coming across as A to me, from the emotive tone as to how you described the sister and agreeing with the comment who agreed with A. This isn't just your wedding, it's also strange to cancel simply because one has had an affair. It's not just your family invited, but also your partners.

sanbeiji · 14/02/2022 10:47

Also the most important thing is NOT to be married.
It’s to listen to each other. And that goes both ways. One person trampling over the other doesn’t fit the bill.
Anyway I don’t know enough about this so probs should stop commenting now

sanbeiji · 14/02/2022 10:49

@anon12345678901

OP you're coming across as A to me, from the emotive tone as to how you described the sister and agreeing with the comment who agreed with A. This isn't just your wedding, it's also strange to cancel simply because one has had an affair. It's not just your family invited, but also your partners.
That’s a a good point! I thought OP was B. I take my comment back then if it’s the rare occasion a man’s being browbeaten

Unless he refuses to ‘compromise’ OP and you’re hoping for the support of MN to make him get rid of the wedding?

Kshhuxnxk · 14/02/2022 10:51

I would elope, if it's so stressful for such a small wedding already stressful then it's not worth it. You will need two witnesses though so could that be an option?

Kshhuxnxk · 14/02/2022 10:53

Read your update - I would just elope now!

PhoenixReincarnated · 14/02/2022 10:54

OP, no idea which one you are, both are plausible.

I'm team B. To me this sounds like A is using this drama to get their own way when B has already compromised. It's 8 months to the wedding things will have calmed down by then. I don't see the need to elope because of something that is happening now.

JustLyra · 14/02/2022 10:55

[quote OnlyAFleshWound]@justlyra

The difference is that one person is prioritising marrying their partner, while the other is prioritising other people/ performing in public.

I guess they'll have to work it out between them. If her family being there is more important to her than her partner's pain, they have some talking to do.

Personally I wouldn't want to commit for life to someone who thought an audience was more important than their vows.[/quote]
Wanting your closest family at your wedding is not “performing in public”.

I’d be very wary of committing to someone who jumped on their siblings affair as an excuse to try and emotionally blackmail me into not having any day whatsoever in having my parents/closest family see me marry.

gingerscot · 14/02/2022 10:59

I wouldn’t marry without my closest family there. I wouldn’t want to marry anyone who wanted to deny me that for the excuse of some sibling drama. My family is just as important to me as my husband.

godmum56 · 14/02/2022 11:06

[quote PyongyangKipperbang]@godmum56

Yeah....naive of me really :o[/quote]
hahahahaha

ralanne · 14/02/2022 11:07

I think it would be sad and unwise to let one person's affair dictate the kind of wedding you have. It's a shitty thing for them to do to their spouse, but it's their business, not yours, and it seems an odd reason to disinvite the whole of both families from YOUR wedding. Particularly unfair on B and B's family who have got nothing to do with it.

ambushedbywine · 14/02/2022 11:12

Being honest, I would think it was pretty selfish. 15 people is already very small. It’s not like their fiancé is asking them to have. 150 person wedding.

But if I loved them I’d probably agree. That said my DH would never ask me to do that because he would know how hurtful it would be.

LimpLettice · 14/02/2022 11:22

@ambushedbywine

Being honest, I would think it was pretty selfish. 15 people is already very small. It’s not like their fiancé is asking them to have. 150 person wedding.

But if I loved them I’d probably agree. That said my DH would never ask me to do that because he would know how hurtful it would be.

My DH is one of the most unsociable people I know. He's an introvert I guess but just doesn't enjoy company. He knows what an extrovert I am, values that for many reasons, and is happy we can complement each other in that way. We had 14 guests at the day, and then a big boozy party for 120 in the evening. No way on earth he would have ever expected me to cut out all our wonderful friends and family. No way on earth I would make him say vows in front of 100s. It ISN'T just about getting married. Families are important, they do come together for many couples at a wedding, and for some of us, our wider circle are crucial, as is the knowledge our spouse isn't the type to emotionally blackmail us into total capitulation. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Fuzzy303 · 14/02/2022 11:36

yes, but then i'm an eloper

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 14/02/2022 12:53

15 people at a wedding is NOT A BIG WEDDING! I would be very upset if my partner didnt want 15 people at a wedding (for the record, that 6 or 7 guests each. A couple of parents and siblings, then maybe a best friend. How mean to make it smaller.