Page 6 | Wedding cancellation

hugoevelyn · 2022-02-13T19:31:53+00:00

Hi - I really want to keep this neutral and get some opinions without revealing which person I am in this scenario… If your partner came to you and told you they wanted to cancel the wedding you were planning together and elope, would you do it? The partner wanting to cancel (Partner A) has always wanted to do this and has compromised on a more traditional wedding up until this point but has begun to feel that it’s too much to ask of them to continue with it. Partner B wants a wedding with their family there, which has always been their primary concern. Deposits have been paid and would be lost if cancelled. What would be your approach in this situation?

catscatscatseverywhere · 14/02/2022 13:01

15 people already is tiny wedding. Did you send the invitations already?

catscatscatseverywhere · 14/02/2022 13:02

@catscatscatseverywhere

15 people already is tiny wedding. Did you send the invitations already?

Sorry for alreadyx2!!!

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2022 13:38

@LibrariesGiveUsPower

So A wants to elope and B wants a full shebang big wedding?

You both want to get married so the best solution is compromise in the middle. Find a quirky venue like a lighthouse that can only accommodate 20, and only have immediate family and a meal in a pub or restaurant after.

Focus on having fun and good food, don’t go all out, just enjoy yourselves. Dress from monsoon or secondhand, but a new suit that’ll get worn again, no bridesmaids, no speeches, just really good meal and lots of bubbly.

15 guests isn't a big wedding

user1493494961 · 14/02/2022 13:50

Scale it down further.

toastofthetown · 14/02/2022 15:19

@user1493494961

Scale it down further.

It's hard to scale it down much further than 15 guests though. That's 6/7 per person. For me I could invite my parents, grandparent, sibling and their partner, one friend and I'm already at my limit. It's not as though they've invited their grandparents' next-door neighbours and their Year 3 teacher. Wanting your closest family and friends to be with you then you get married isn't unusual or unreasonable.

fargo123 · 15/02/2022 11:23

@Georgieporgie29

I think it’s unfair for B to be ‘punished’ because of something A’s sibling has done

Essentially this.

If my partner wanted me to change/cancel my wedding because of something that wasn't even anything to do with me, I'd be absolutely livid and would seriously reconsider whether I wanted to be married to them at all, especially if there was also a financial hit to add insult to injury.

If I was a member of B's family, I'd be furious that I was being cutting out of my loved one's special day because a member of A's family couldn't behave like a decent human being.

It sounds like B has already compromised by having such a teeny wedding anyway. To ask/expect them to cull the numbers any more is very unreasonable. A sounds very selfish, and B should probably be reconsidering the whole relationship anyway.

Ginger1982 · 15/02/2022 13:58

No way would I be agreeable to cancelling my wedding because my partner's sibling had had an affair. They don't need to come to the wedding. End of.

Blossom64265 · 15/02/2022 14:21

In some ways, this is a lot more than the wedding. This is about how the couple is going to handle family strife for the rest of their lives. There is always going to be family drama and stressful situations and they will sometimes coincide with significant life events or holidays. Both a and b need to to have the emotional maturity to take these things in stride.

If your uncle is acting up then either as a couple you decide that his behavior is so egregious that you won’t attend events he attending and won’t invite him to your home, or you will put on a happy face, make polite small talk, and master the art of directing the conversation to safe topics.

You may also have to work together as a couple to lay out ground rules for relatives for behavior around your children. That one is never fun and I hope you don’t have to deal with it.

The point is that if A and B can’t figure out how to deal with 15 family members for one day, the marriage may not last a lifetime of stressors. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t elope. It just shouldn’t be done only to avoid having to face their problems.

Drinkingallthewine · 15/02/2022 14:34

If it's cancelling because of a reason external to the couple getting married - like a sibling having an affair then YABU.

If it's cancelling because either of the pair are experiencing social anxiety or because of money issues then YANBU.

ChicCroissant · 15/02/2022 14:37

A is using this as an excuse to get their own way by the sound of it. They didn't even want their family there in the first place so it's not really on to use it as an excuse. Especially if they have form for this, begrudging acceptance of a situation but constantly trying to change it up until the last minute.

TheMarmaladeYears · 15/02/2022 14:42

@LimpLettice

If I was Partner B, I would be thinking extremely carefully about my future with Partner A. The wedding 8 MONTHS away, and Partner A has jumped on a drama which is nothing to do with them really to manipulate Partner B into dropping the compromise they have already made. By all means don't force the wedding, but be prepared that 'unforeseen' circs and A's anxieties will lead decisions. 8 months. Plenty of time for the dust to settle. The siblings marriage might stick, the whole family might reduce contact so sibling can be uninvited, who knows? Why is Partner A freaking like this? To cancel the compromise.

All of this. It strikes me that Partner A's preference is not to get married at all.

PrincessNutella · 15/02/2022 14:59

If the problem is with the cheating sibling, uninvite the cheating sibling, not the rest of the guests. Or, cut it down to the next closest "ring" of guests, i.e; parents only instead of parents and siblings. Or just wait for a bit and see how you feel. There's time. Eight months is a long ways away.

TTstormtrooper · 15/02/2022 15:03

Not RTFT, is person A prepared for the potential fall out if person B' s family are not invited to the wedding.

These will be the inlaws, you need to get used to putting up with them for the remainder of the relationship. Do you really want to upset them at the start by not allowing them to see you get married.

waddlemyway · 15/02/2022 15:09

Can you elope first and then still have your wedding as the party but the pressure is off and the deposits not wasted?

Original poster

hugoevelyn · 15/02/2022 15:31

It’s interesting reading everyone’s thoughts - I really appreciate (most of!) them.

Interestingly enough Person B’s parents were the first ones to suggest eloping when they heard the family drama, so they’d be very understanding about not attending the wedding although obviously a bit sad.

It’s all a bit of a mess right now (I’m trying to be careful not to be too outing with more specific details) but I think we’re just going to not think about the wedding for a month or so and make any snap decisions. To be honest, Person B isn’t that thrilled about the idea of having the sibling at the wedding either and would rather they don’t come at all, but uninviting them may cause more problems with A’s parents…

OP posts:

sanbeiji · 15/02/2022 15:38

@hugoevelyn

It’s interesting reading everyone’s thoughts - I really appreciate (most of!) them.

Interestingly enough Person B’s parents were the first ones to suggest eloping when they heard the family drama, so they’d be very understanding about not attending the wedding although obviously a bit sad.

It’s all a bit of a mess right now (I’m trying to be careful not to be too outing with more specific details) but I think we’re just going to not think about the wedding for a month or so and make any snap decisions. To be honest, Person B isn’t that thrilled about the idea of having the sibling at the wedding either and would rather they don’t come at all, but uninviting them may cause more problems with A’s parents…

You sound like you’ve (whoever you are) have a handle on things. Good luck with your marriage :)

mrstreacle · 15/02/2022 15:48

@OnlyAFleshWound

Speaking as someone who had only four wedding guests precisely to avoid family issues - and would have had zero if we could have - I think A has every right not to be forced into this horrible situation.

If my husband had put pressure on or tried to force me to go for a bigger wedding we wouldn't have got married (or stayed together long term) at all.

Because it would have meant that he prioritised other people's wishes over ours.

That's 2 more than we had and both of us would have run like hell away from anything bigger. Oh and we're well over 30 years now so it worked for us

ladycarlotta · 15/02/2022 15:54

Could the compromise be to elope within the next 6 months or so, and retain some of the reservations for a small family celebration (but not a wedding) on the original date? Obviously if it was meant to be a church do you couldn't keep that part but presumably the reception for 15 could just be turned into a low-key get-together?

goawaystormy · 15/02/2022 16:01

If my husband had put pressure on or tried to force me to go for a bigger wedding we wouldn't have got married (or stayed together long term) at all.

Because it would have meant that he prioritised other people's wishes over ours

And if the man I was marrying tried to force me to not have my parents there, the people who have raised me, supported me through every life choice, who love me unconditionally and will be there no matter what, we wouldn't be getting married.

It's not about prioritising others wishes, it's about having my own wishes. It's about having a life beyond my partner, which I'm perfectly entitled to and is healthy.

People are allowed to have different wishes and priorities. But in a loving relationship one shouldn't railroad the other into going completely with what one person wants. 15 people is already a compromise, eloping would be A getting entirely their own way at the expense of B's wishes.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 16:32

If my husband had put pressure on or tried to force me to go for a bigger wedding we wouldn't have got married (or stayed together long term) at all. Because it would have meant that he prioritised other people's wishes over ours.
Or his own wishes. And if she put pressure on or tried to force him to go for a smaller wedding then she's prioritising her own wishes. Why is it OK for her wishes to be important but not his?

OnlyAFleshWound · 15/02/2022 16:46

@goawaystormy

If my husband had put pressure on or tried to force me to go for a bigger wedding we wouldn't have got married (or stayed together long term) at all.

Because it would have meant that he prioritised other people's wishes over ours

And if the man I was marrying tried to force me to not have my parents there, the people who have raised me, supported me through every life choice, who love me unconditionally and will be there no matter what, we wouldn't be getting married.

It's not about prioritising others wishes, it's about having my own wishes. It's about having a life beyond my partner, which I'm perfectly entitled to and is healthy.

People are allowed to have different wishes and priorities. But in a loving relationship one shouldn't railroad the other into going completely with what one person wants. 15 people is already a compromise, eloping would be A getting entirely their own way at the expense of B's wishes.

15 people isn't just your parents though, is it?

As I said above - we didn't elope - we had four people there, which was our parents (our kids were also there, but were very tiny at the time).

I would have preferred to have no guests at all and just to have two random witnesses. But we compromised and had our parents there. Not having siblings there was one of the main reasons that we went for this option. (for reasons I won't go into as it's not directly relevant - but there was a particular person we really, really didn't want in attendance)

I don't see OP offering that - just having parents as guests. That would be a compromise.

As well as issues with particular people, some of us just really, really hate the idea of being the centre of attention and having to put on a performance to an audience. 15 people is not a tiny group. It's not just your parents and/or your best friends. It's quite a lot of people. I personally found it completely excruciating to have to say the vows just in front of our parents and the registrars - I could not have done it with any more people there.

As far as i'm aware (15 years down the line), not having had an audience at our wedding hasn't meant that either of us 'don't have a life beyond our partner'. A lot of people don't buy into the 'most special day of your life' narrative that we are fed. It was just one day - legally important for us but not really remotely on the same level as having our children or indeed the first time we told each other that we loved each other - in private.

I believe the fact that we listened to and respected each other's feelings has contributed to what has (so far, touch wood) been a reasonably successful and happy marriage.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2022 16:52

15 people isn't just your parents though, is it?
Someone isn't wrong for wanting their family there. Either side is wrong for forcing the other into a wedding they're unhappy with. If that's the case you don't get married.

Walkingalot · 15/02/2022 16:56

Just have both sets of parents there - the most important people.
Think it also depends on how much deposit you'd lose, how much is left to pay and how much an elopement would cost. However, the storm could blow over so maybe give it a couple of months before making a final decision.

OnlyAFleshWound · 15/02/2022 16:58

@SleepingStandingUp

15 people isn't just your parents though, is it? Someone isn't wrong for wanting their family there. Either side is wrong for forcing the other into a wedding they're unhappy with. If that's the case you don't get married.

I was replying to the poster I quoted, who felt very strongly that it was important to have your parents there when you get married. That's why I said that.

In terms of "Either side is wrong for forcing the other into a wedding they're unhappy with. If that's the case you don't get married" - well, you could say that about absolutely anything. But how sad to throw away an entire relationship because you can't bear the thought of getting married in (relative) privacy.

JustLyra · 15/02/2022 16:59

15 people is not a tiny group. It's not just your parents and/or your best friends. It's quite a lot of people

Given that the OP has mention both sets of parents, and A having multiple siblings (presumably with partners) and referred to it as an “extremely small” wedding it sounds like just parents and siblings.