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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding cancellation

171 replies

hugoevelyn · 13/02/2022 19:31

Hi - I really want to keep this neutral and get some opinions without revealing which person I am in this scenario…

If your partner came to you and told you they wanted to cancel the wedding you were planning together and elope, would you do it? The partner wanting to cancel (Partner A) has always wanted to do this and has compromised on a more traditional wedding up until this point but has begun to feel that it’s too much to ask of them to continue with it. Partner B wants a wedding with their family there, which has always been their primary concern. Deposits have been paid and would be lost if cancelled.

What would be your approach in this situation?

OP posts:

OnlyAFleshWound · 14/02/2022 00:10

@Totalwasteofpaper

Nope. I wouldn't cancel or be willing to adjust my plans further if I was B.

Rationale:
15 is already tiny and a compromise.
A is moving the goal posts.
A is having a knee jerk reaction and panicking. Lay of the land will be v diff in 8 months.

Thing is you kind of need the other person to participate.

So it's all very well to say you "wouldn't cancel or be willing to compromise" but you can't force someone to take part in a performance against their will.

And why would you want to, if you actually love them?

JustLyra · 14/02/2022 00:10

@OnlyAFleshWound

Speaking as someone who had only four wedding guests precisely to avoid family issues - and would have had zero if we could have - I think A has every right not to be forced into this horrible situation.

If my husband had put pressure on or tried to force me to go for a bigger wedding we wouldn't have got married (or stayed together long term) at all.

Because it would have meant that he prioritised other people's wishes over ours.

And what about B’d wishes?

A is basically allowing their sibling’s behaviour to try and take away what is already a compromise for B

greenlynx · 14/02/2022 00:37

I think A is very unreasonable. The wedding is very small already. I think A is just too emotional. They need to calm down and relax. The wedding will be in 8 months, a lot of things might happen over this period. I would have a break from planning for a week and then look into it again, maybe change some details like sitting plan or speeches or whatever and then continue calmly with life.
A is getting married and planning to build a life with B, he/she needs focus on this. I’m not saying that A needs to forget about his/her relatives but they are not a priority at this situation. A can’t survive family dynamics? Well, life is tough , A needs to grow up.

OnlyAFleshWound · 14/02/2022 00:47

@JustLyra

And what about B’s wishes? A is basically allowing their sibling’s behaviour to try and take away what is already a compromise for B

Like with having a baby... if one person doesn't want to do it, that outweighs the person who does

More to the point, why would anyone try to force someone they supposedly love to go through this public performance against their wishes?

NiceTwin · 14/02/2022 00:51

I would let things calm down before making any decisions.

NumberTheory · 14/02/2022 01:15

I wouldn’t agree to elope. I’ve never seen the point in it, if I’m going to get married I don’t want to run away to do it. I would agree to doing just a registry office wedding, ideally with parents as witnesses, locally if my partner did not want a ceremony of any size. I think it’s important to separate out the “being married” from the “having a wedding”. I can compromise on (or forgo altogether) the “having a wedding”, but we have to be on the same page on the “being married”.

However, while I don’t think weddings are themselves important (or, rather, I think weddings in our culture are so wrapped up in over the top expectations and cultural pressure that they frequently damage relationships they should be building up and so it’s better to put them to one side than to fixate on them in any way) I do think it’s important to be on the same page about how important family is to you both. So if B is really keen on maintaining strong family bonds, maybe hosting family gatherings regularly or visiting family a lot and A really would rather not contact family more than once a year - that I think is something that needs talking about and mutually resolving.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2022 01:16

[quote OnlyAFleshWound]@JustLyra

And what about B’s wishes? A is basically allowing their sibling’s behaviour to try and take away what is already a compromise for B

Like with having a baby... if one person doesn't want to do it, that outweighs the person who does

More to the point, why would anyone try to force someone they supposedly love to go through this public performance against their wishes?[/quote]
Why would someone try to force someone they supposedly love to go through this without their loved ones there against their wishes?

Thing is they both want to do something, unlike the bby analogy. One wants to gt married alone, wNt wants to get married with their families around. There's no "do nothing option" apart from not getting married at all

Blossom64265 · 14/02/2022 04:18

Getting married without any family present is a big deal. A 15 person wedding must be just very close family.

That there is some family drama shouldn’t matter. Family dynamics happen. Not having parents and siblings at your wedding is a valid choice, but it’s not a neutral one. People’s feelings will be hurt. For some brides and grooms, part of the significance of the wedding ceremony is that the family is present, because it is the growing of the family.

Sparticuscaticus · 14/02/2022 06:50

A wedding with 15 is a tiny wedding already
It doesn't sound like the partner doesn't want to get married but is painfully introverted and fearful of drama, that at wedding 8 months away due to some fall out from their sibling's affair.

I'd just reassure that we won't invite the sibling who had the affair and nearer the time we can reconsider if it is water under the bridge by then.

Anyone who argues or starts drama will be told "We can't cope with this stress. This is our wedding. if you don't stop (bleating about our decision) immediately we will elope and none of you will see us get married. So Button it."

JustLyra · 14/02/2022 07:24

[quote OnlyAFleshWound]@JustLyra

And what about B’s wishes? A is basically allowing their sibling’s behaviour to try and take away what is already a compromise for B

Like with having a baby... if one person doesn't want to do it, that outweighs the person who does

More to the point, why would anyone try to force someone they supposedly love to go through this public performance against their wishes?[/quote]
Equally why would anyone try and force someone they supposedly love to have to give up their closest family in attendance at their wedding because their sibling had an affair?

Why is b expected to do all the compromising and sacrificing when it’s meant to be their day?

FeedMeSantiago · 14/02/2022 08:07

A tiny 15 guest wedding is already a compromise.

What if A forces B to elope and B's relationship with their family is negatively affected as a result?

The wedding is 8 months away, a lot can change by then - reassess the drama nearer the time.

If A really wants fewer guests than 15, why can't A's parents and siblings and friends be uninvited so that just B's are there? That's the compromise surely? A gets fewer people and doesn't have their chelating sibling present and B gets to keep their parents and siblings.

If my child didn't invite me to their wedding because their partner's sibling cheated and partner therefore wanted no guests, I would be very hurt. I expect B's family will realise an elopement wasn't what B really wanted.

OnlyAFleshWound · 14/02/2022 08:08

@justlyra

The difference is that one person is prioritising marrying their partner, while the other is prioritising other people/ performing in public.

I guess they'll have to work it out between them. If her family being there is more important to her than her partner's pain, they have some talking to do.

Personally I wouldn't want to commit for life to someone who thought an audience was more important than their vows.

FeedMeSantiago · 14/02/2022 08:09

Cheating sibling, not chelating sibling!

PeakyBlender · 14/02/2022 08:09

Seems a bit dramatic to let someone's affair affect you that badly

Loopytiles · 14/02/2022 08:10

A is being U.

StartupRepair · 14/02/2022 08:10

Affair/sibling has created enough damage presumably. Don't let them affect your wedding. You don't want to look back in a few years and wonder why you allowed them to derail your wedding.

LimpLettice · 14/02/2022 08:16

If I was Partner B, I would be thinking extremely carefully about my future with Partner A. The wedding 8 MONTHS away, and Partner A has jumped on a drama which is nothing to do with them really to manipulate Partner B into dropping the compromise they have already made. By all means don't force the wedding, but be prepared that 'unforeseen' circs and A's anxieties will lead decisions. 8 months. Plenty of time for the dust to settle. The siblings marriage might stick, the whole family might reduce contact so sibling can be uninvited, who knows? Why is Partner A freaking like this? To cancel the compromise.

Loopytiles · 14/02/2022 08:23

A sounds ‘enmeshed’ with their family.

A may understandably be unimpressed with their sibling’s behaviour, but presumably A nonetheless wants to continue to see their sibling. If so, it follows that sibling’s invite stands.

‘Comfortable’, ‘too stressful’. Unless A has a serious mental health issue, that’s precious. A’s feelings are no more important than B’s.

Families and weddings are frequently many things at once, including uncomfortable and stressful.

Elopement / cancellation of the small wedding at this stage would likely upset both families.

notanothertakeaway · 14/02/2022 08:24

At this stage, the focus should be on supporting the innocent family member who has been cheated on, not worrying about your wedding

You'll all be in a different place by the time of the wedding. I would sit tight and not make any big decisions yet

Agree with a PP that, in a larger wedding, it would be easier for the scumbag sibling to blend into the background

FWIW, my wedding was a compromise. My DH and I had different ideas of what we wanted. In the end, the wedding probably wasnt what either of us would have chosen. Perhaps we would have done it differently if we had our time again. BUT, I do think it got us off to a good start in terms of respecting each other's views and working together to find something we could both live with

MulticolourTulips · 14/02/2022 08:46

A is being unreasonable. It's normal to be upset at the sibling's bad behaviour but to let it affect their own wedding in 8 months time is overly dramatic and I think quite an unusual reaction. I know people are all different but this seems markedly odd.

misspercy · 14/02/2022 08:53

Based on what has been said, I think the wedding should continue, but with A given the option to exclude the sibling nearer the time if they still feel this strongly.

PeskyRooks · 14/02/2022 09:01

If I was B I would be saying forget it let's not bother at all.
Also god I'd be so gutted if any of my children eloped! (But I wouldn't show it)

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2022 09:06

while the other is prioritising other people/ performing in public.

Only on MN would wanting your immediate family there to witness one of the most important days of your life be considered "performing in public"

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/02/2022 09:14

I have to say that I agree that it sounds like an excuse for A to get their own way over the wedding.

Also why the massive drama over something that isnt actually happening to A? Does A often go totally OTT and dramatic over shit like this? If I was B I would agree with cancelling the wedding as I wouldnt want to marry into such a soap opera.

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 09:20

I'd agree to elope then book a party or something for the weekend after, but invite all friends, family etc to that.

A party's much less stressful and a bigger 'do' will mean less pressure on the bride and groom.

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