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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would YOU do?

403 replies

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:06

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

OP posts:
flowervest75 · 13/02/2022 20:06

@Lesperance obviously things such as health and other responsibilities come into play but the OP hasn’t mentioned any. She’s said her mum is retired and hasn’t ever helped out with childcare. Even if you have other interests, things to occupy your time. Why would you not offer to have your grandkids for a couple of hours so your child can have child free time? That doesn’t make sense to me

Benmac · 13/02/2022 20:06

It is nothing to do with entitlement.
My niece has recently had a child. She is expecting both grans to watch the baby between them when she goes back to work. Whilst both of them may be happy to help neither are under any obligation.
Your mum has brought up children and worked. Maybe she is really looking forward to having no obligations when she retired.
Your child is your choice and your responsibility. Be grateful for any help you get from 3rd parties because you are owed nothing.

Woahthehorsey · 13/02/2022 20:07

@Lyonic

But thats very selfish right? Taking but not reciprocating.
She took it so she could work. Maybe she thinks you don't need it because you don't work?
FantasticFebruary · 13/02/2022 20:08

@Lyonic

But thats very selfish right? Taking but not reciprocating.
She can't reciprocate, as I'm sure your grandparents don't have a small child.

I guess maybe im just more family oriented than others

Said by the person expecting help!!

What help do you GIVE your family??

she's worked a lot of years, she's entitled to soend her retirement as SHE pleases, not to look after demanding twin toddlers.

It would be nice if she wanted to, but clearly she has reasons she doesn't, some of them are very obvious from your posts.

Suck it up & pay for childcare if you really can't shop/'keep house' with your children.

Flickflak · 13/02/2022 20:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DaisyMum40 · 13/02/2022 20:10

We've always paid for childcare, we've got all grandparents, all are retired and none of them have been used as childcare while we go to work. I didn't work for the first few years of parenthood for this reason, that's a sacrifice we made as it's our responsibility. I've been able to go back to work with funded nursery hours and my wage pays for some extra and gives us the security of childcare all year round. What grandparents have done for us is take the kids on a casual basis, when they want and when suits them. And that has meant we've been able to use that time to do "nice couple" things, go for a lunch or dinner etc. They don't mind because it's on their terms and they're not obligated to do it. And we hugely appreciate it. Maybe when your boys are in school your mum might want to see them in a way she feels happy to do, knowing she isn't just unpaid childcare.

We seem to be the outliers in our group of friends, every other couple has had the financial benefit of going to work while grandparents do a lot of free childcare. The flip side to that is they've never felt they could ask for babysitting at the weekends to allow them to go out socially or get a job done round the house.

Focus on arranging your own childcare, it's your responsibility. Then you might find your mum more willing to spend time with the children.

TeachesOfPeaches · 13/02/2022 20:10

I presume your mother thinks you don't need childcare since you aren't working so therefore hasn't asked you. Have you asked her?

Nadjahomesoil · 13/02/2022 20:11

HAVE YOU ACTUALLY ASKED HER?

weansu · 13/02/2022 20:12

@flowervest75 completely agree

ListeningButNotHearing · 13/02/2022 20:12

YANBU
Isn't it what good caring close families do!?
I would definitely help my DC's if they have children. (As long as I'm still mentally and physically able to).
One day is not unreasonable imo.
Personally, I can never understand a grandparent that doesn't want to look after their own grandchildren and from my own observations, they're usually quite self-centered people.

Leilala · 13/02/2022 20:13

I find this quite sad really. Surely she would want to spend some time with her grandchildren now that it’s possible.

I don’t get peoples attitude on her calling you entitled. Unless they have all never had any time to themselves when raising kids Hmm

Perhaps start by inviting your mum round to play with the kids while you are there too and build from there.

hangrylady · 13/02/2022 20:13

@Lyonic

I dont understand why parents would not want to support their children, thats the circle of life. When I did not have kids, having all that time for whatever, thinking of having that time again and not helping my kids seems bonkers.

You talk about a sense of entitlement but we have not had anyone look after our kids
once.

I guess maybe im just more family oriented than others.

I agree with you OP but you'll get no joy on here. On MN anyone who expects help from grandparents is an entitled CF. Back in the real world that's how families work.
lifesnotaspectatorsport · 13/02/2022 20:14

@Lyonic Litterally in our prison of a home where if you passed out drunk, there is nothing environmental, that could harm the kids.

Off-topic but you'll have to give me some tips Wink We live in an apartment so there's not even any stairs but my two are brilliant at creating their own unsuitable games. Latest one was dragging the step from the bathroom to behind the sofa so they could vault over the top and roll down the cushions. They are menaces!

Really I would just ask your DM and explain what you have in mind. I think with twins normal expectations of help go a bit out of the window tbh.

weansu · 13/02/2022 20:14

On MN anyone who expects help from grandparents is an entitled CF. Back in the real world that's how families work.

True dat!

DaisyMum40 · 13/02/2022 20:17

[quote flowervest75]@Lesperance obviously things such as health and other responsibilities come into play but the OP hasn’t mentioned any. She’s said her mum is retired and hasn’t ever helped out with childcare. Even if you have other interests, things to occupy your time. Why would you not offer to have your grandkids for a couple of hours so your child can have child free time? That doesn’t make sense to me[/quote]
My in laws have a bit of weird logic around this. We've never asked them to offer childcare (as per my reply on this thread), but their attitude is "no one helped us out when you were kids". I can't see me being in a situation where I could help my own children but refusing to do so because no one done it for us? I just find that a very strange attitude to take.

TabithaTittlemouse · 13/02/2022 20:17

Would you have still had dc if you hadn’t assumed that your mum would help?

Fwiw I do look after my dgc regularly because I want to and can.

Ginger1982 · 13/02/2022 20:19

@TeachesOfPeaches

I presume your mother thinks you don't need childcare since you aren't working so therefore hasn't asked you. Have you asked her?
This. If they're going into childcare anyway and you don't work, she might not realise.
Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 20:19

@SpidersAreShitheads

"lifesnotaspectatorsport I do think it's a bit odd that you haven't just asked her? Then at least you know where you stand. Maybe she's worried you'd want her to have them for a whole day rather than just a few hours? I have 2yo twins and I know they can be super hard work at times. My MIL will offer to look after them for a short time but she also looks very relieved when we get home 😆 I certainly don't expect it from her. She has freely said things like she can't manage breakfast or naptime (while staying with us)."

Lyonic
"Yeah we havent had time for ourselves for over 2 years. I think people who dont have twins dont realise that its exponential and that we have had to create a totally child safe environment for them. Otherwise its not possible."

I also have twins - it IS a whole different experience than having a single baby, or even two children close in age. But I'm still confused why you haven't asked her? You've answered a lot of questions on this thread but you haven't explained why you haven't raised the subject with her yourself?

FWIW, I agree that families should all pitch in together. I had help from my DM and now my DM is older, I help her with stuff. I would have done that whether or not I have DC, but the mentality in my family is very much that we naturally try to help each other and make life easier. My DP's family is much more hands-off so I've seen both sides of it. I've said that if DP's parents need care, I'd happily help them as needed even though they're not been there for us.

You need to talk to your DM - she might be feeling overwhelmed at the idea of twins, or just not sure how to raise the subject. Ask her.

I just dont get the vibe that the answer ia something i will like.
OP posts:
Herewegoagain84 · 13/02/2022 20:19

They can help and support you without agreeing to do childcare - absolutely no obligation in this respect, even if they’re the grandparents.

balalake · 13/02/2022 20:19

I think you need to ask, perhaps starting with a one-off day. And if their grandfather is alive/around nearby, him as well.

Boatingforthestars · 13/02/2022 20:20

OP I feel your pain, to me families should help eachother raising children is incredibly difficult and wearing at times and a bit of family support would mean the world.

I'm in the same situation as you, both me and my partner spent loads of time either our grandparents growing up and had a great bond with them. Now we have our own children the grandparents are nowhere to be seen, they wouldn't help out even for Dr's appointments or in emergencies, the kids are very much "our problem"

It's a strange set up as most families will help out with anything in a crisis except for kids which you chose to have so nobody owes you anything. If their car broke down and they needed a lift can you imagine saying "you chose to buy it, I don't owe you a lift"

I'd take a guess that all the bitter people in here are either "grandparents" who only want to be grandparents when it suits or people eho aren't in the situation you are in, I don't think people realise what its like when nobody helps ever regardless of circumstances.
We have friends who say they get no help and then you bump into them in the shops when the kids are with their grandparents.

YANBU families should help eachother in my book

Darbs76 · 13/02/2022 20:22

I’m not a grandparent but I’d like to think I’d offer to help. Twins is a different kettle of fish though. And for someone much older it’s not easy. Maybe if you were returning to work she would offer but for time to yourself perhaps she’s not wanting to put herself out. I agree she doesn’t owe you anything, but you can be upset about it of course

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 20:23

Everyone always tells other users off for wants their parents to help them out with childcare on occasion. Being a parent is tough especially when they are young kids. I would be annoyed too op. Very hypocritical of your mother. I would remind her and see what she says in response. I'm in the same boat as you with little help from relatives. I think a lot of these users who tell others they aren't obligated to this type of childcare are people with school aged children, those who are divorced and gain evenings of child free times or have had help with childcare from relatives. I don't feel sorry for our parents generation. I'm on your side op.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 13/02/2022 20:23

Maybe your mum found it difficult to cope with young kids and thats why her parents helped out and why she doesn't offer to look after yours.

Chely · 13/02/2022 20:24

We have a set of twins in our 6. People who have not had their own set can feel a bit overwhelmed by the thought of it. I never found them to be really hard work but understood if others were not keen to babysit.
How about the in-laws? any expectations for childcare there?