Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would YOU do?

403 replies

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:06

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

OP posts:
BonnesVacances · 13/02/2022 20:24

I think many of these parents who don't help out their DC by helping with the grandkids are going to get a shock when it's their turn to be looked after. Sure it's not an entitlement to have help with looking after young DC, but then neither is looking after elderly parents.

ChateauMargaux · 13/02/2022 20:24

Have you asked her? She might think that offering is stepping on your toes, she might not understand what it's like with twins, it might not have occurred to her that you would like this time alone because she did it so that she could work.. there are so many possible reasons..

ButtockUp · 13/02/2022 20:26

It's not about 'the circle of life.'
Things are different these days.

Your parents do NOT owe you childcare and you are selfish to think so.

Both of my children have left home and the thought of entertaining toddlers fills me with horror.

It does rather depend on ages too. Grandparents in the 60s/70s were generally much younger than grandparents today.

Pembertonrd · 13/02/2022 20:27

Mine and dh’s parents worked but they would cover some school holidays and the odd weekend so we could have a break.

I have a dgs now and we have done lots of childcare. I love it.

Can’t understand families not helping each other.
My niece has twins and my dsis who struggles with a disability still has them one day a week to give her dd a break.
It’s what you do.

There’s a lot of people going to have a shock when their dc don’t help them in their old age.

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 20:27

@Flickflak

So your mother left you with her parents so she could work, but you want to leave your twins with her so you can…. Not work? Weird and entitled.
So parents who don't work, aren't allowed a break? Gosh. I hope you don't post on threads about sahm and shame the father's. Very hypocritical.
AnnaSW1 · 13/02/2022 20:27

Expecting her to do childcare isn't you being family oriented though. It's not your right to get childcare

Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 20:28

@Boatingforthestars

OP I feel your pain, to me families should help eachother raising children is incredibly difficult and wearing at times and a bit of family support would mean the world.

I'm in the same situation as you, both me and my partner spent loads of time either our grandparents growing up and had a great bond with them. Now we have our own children the grandparents are nowhere to be seen, they wouldn't help out even for Dr's appointments or in emergencies, the kids are very much "our problem"

It's a strange set up as most families will help out with anything in a crisis except for kids which you chose to have so nobody owes you anything. If their car broke down and they needed a lift can you imagine saying "you chose to buy it, I don't owe you a lift"

I'd take a guess that all the bitter people in here are either "grandparents" who only want to be grandparents when it suits or people eho aren't in the situation you are in, I don't think people realise what its like when nobody helps ever regardless of circumstances.
We have friends who say they get no help and then you bump into them in the shops when the kids are with their grandparents.

YANBU families should help eachother in my book

This really touched my heart bless you!
OP posts:
Lily2075 · 13/02/2022 20:29

They're your kids. It isn't up to anyone else to look after them.

ButtockUp · 13/02/2022 20:29

And just to add, no one ever , apart from one babysitter ( once) and one parental stay , looked after our children.
Two nights only until they were old enough in their mid/late teens.

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 20:29

@ButtockUp

It's not about 'the circle of life.' Things are different these days.

Your parents do NOT owe you childcare and you are selfish to think so.

Both of my children have left home and the thought of entertaining toddlers fills me with horror.

It does rather depend on ages too. Grandparents in the 60s/70s were generally much younger than grandparents today.

This person won't be helping their children out if they have children of their own. I think this person is very selfish who posted this. Your children leave home and you wash your hands of them?
UsernameAB12 · 13/02/2022 20:31

guess maybe im just more family oriented than others

Unfortunately that is the case nowadays. People are very me me me and the boomers that got free child care from their parents don't feel the need to pass that on and help look after their own grandchildren.

Remember this for the future - if you are not entitled to free childcare from your parents, your parents are not entitled to your help when they get old and frail.

BurntO · 13/02/2022 20:32

Grandparents have already dedicated years of their life raising their children and they aren’t a bottomless pit of resource to offer endless support.

Childcare is a bonus but expecting it is entitled. Especially a weekly commitment, it’s a lot to ask for some.

Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 20:32

@Chely

We have a set of twins in our 6. People who have not had their own set can feel a bit overwhelmed by the thought of it. I never found them to be really hard work but understood if others were not keen to babysit. How about the in-laws? any expectations for childcare there?
In laws are both disabled, one in full time supported accommodation. We have to lool after them via appointments and bringing shopping etc.
OP posts:
Mumofboys109 · 13/02/2022 20:32

One woman in her 60-70s with 2 toddlers I think is too much. But if you’ve not asked I don’t think you can blame her. She may genuinely not feel up to it and could feel really guilty. Only ask her if you REALLY can’t do it any other way and are sure your relationship won’t be affected whatever the answer is

drpet49 · 13/02/2022 20:32

I don’t know anyone’s parents who didn’t help look after their Grandkids. That is what families do.

DaffodilDandilion · 13/02/2022 20:33

I have twins, toddler twins can be a huge amount of work and maybe she doesn’t feel up to that?

Boatingforthestars · 13/02/2022 20:34

Just to add because it's coming soon everyone saying wait until the grandparents need looking after, the usual response is well you want their inheritance....

Once again a comeback I'm assuming from hands off grandparents.

The issue with not helping your kids is generally they become so self sufficient they don't want or need your inheritance and you'd be better spending it on a care home as nobody else is going to wipe your arse "I owe you nothing"

flowervest75 · 13/02/2022 20:36

I think it starts going off track when you mention the word ‘childcare.’ In my eyes, childcare is something that is provided by a professional and something you pay for. Why does a grandparent simply spending time with their grandchild automatically equal ‘childcare?’ In theory it is childcare as they’re literally caring for a child for a few hours/a day but I wouldn’t consider it to be ‘childcare’ when they’re family.

As I’ve said, I come from a big family where everyone helps out everyone. My 67 year old grandma still has her youngest grandkids (age 5&7) stay over every other weekend simply because she wants too. Why wouldn’t you WANT to spend time with your grandkids as often as possible just because you don’t HAVE too? It’s very strange

notacooldad · 13/02/2022 20:38

It's making me laugh all these people saying that a grandmother doesn't owe her daughter childcare but if you read the opening post you can see that she was happy to accept it several times a week herself

You can laugh all you want but ops grandmother might have actively wanted to look after op as a child. She may not just have retired. She wasn’t looking after twins. You can’t compare the two.

For what’s it’s worth I have no intention of committing to a regular day of childcare when my grandkids come along. I have too many plans for my retirement. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to look after them ever but I plan to spend more time with my cycling and walking friends , have random day trips out etc.

TolkiensFallow · 13/02/2022 20:39

Yabu. No one apart from you has to look after your kids.

Move22 · 13/02/2022 20:39

You say your grandparents helped raise you. Two of them.
Does your ma have a partner? I think this can make a difference especially when there are two little ones!
But no, she does not need to offer you regular childcare.

Qwill · 13/02/2022 20:40

“guess maybe im just more family oriented than others”

Yes, this is why you’re launching critical attack on your family on an Internet forum. Maybe your mum is scared to offer if this is how you usually react, you sound a nightmare.

Nocutenamesleft · 13/02/2022 20:40

Wait

So you’re asking her for childcare? So why are they going to nursery?

And she’s under no obligation to give you childcare. My own mother very rarely has my children. She’s never had them overnight. My in laws have had them overnight maybe 10 times and one is nearly in double figures for ages.

Plus I home educate. So my children are with me all the time.

It’s not it takes a village to raise a family anymore

It’s so everything yourself. Regardless of how you were brought up. Sadly.

ButtockUp · 13/02/2022 20:41

@Jvg33
Well, 'this person' had to move around 200 miles away from her parents and her mother is disabled. 'This person' also lived over 70 miles away from her in-laws.
'This person' had to suck it up, in a new town , with no friends or connections.
'This person' managed by making career sacrifices, as well as partner making sacrifices.

UsernameAB12 · 13/02/2022 20:41

Grandparents have already dedicated years of their life raising their children and they aren’t a bottomless pit of resource

No read the post, the grandmother recieved lots of free child care from her mum, but does not feel the need to then do the same and help look after her grandchildren - that's shelfish, not the OP wanting to get what her mum got!