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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would YOU do?

403 replies

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:06

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

OP posts:
holdontomykite · 14/02/2022 04:27

Your DM doesn't owe you childcare, they're your kids, not hers. My (retired) DM is ecstatic about the prospect of my first child but has already laid out her rules: "I'll take them to give you a night out but I'm not a child minder - I've already done my time with you and your DSis, I'm not making this my full time job" and to be honest, fair enough.

pompousceremony · 14/02/2022 06:16

Why not just ask her? She probably just doesn't fancy getting tied down to regular childcare, and maybe she thinks you're managing just fine.

It doesn't have to be a regular weekly thing - just say "hey mum, I could really do with giving the house a really deep clean next week, any chance you could have the boys at yours for a couple of hours?"

Unpopular37 · 14/02/2022 06:18

@FartVandelay

OP, maybe your mum's enjoying drinking the last of the red wine while waiting for the dawn (I quite like sunrises myself) rather than running around after twin toddlers.

I cant believe you're still hankering after free childcare when you've already solved climate change, got us all living under water and are single-handedly saving humanity (and all this with a housethat's not in order). Your poor mum's probably too much in awe of you to dare speak to you

Excellent response! Really cheered me up as I move on from dregs of red wine to the first cat-hair covered cup of coffee.
IncompleteSenten · 14/02/2022 06:38

Whether you are 'right' or not won't make her provide childcare if she doesn't want to.

You can't print out the poll and wave it at her.

It's a waste of your energy to focus on what you think she should be doing since that is not within your control.

It would be nice if she wanted to. But since she doesn't you just have to accept that. You can't take her to court and argue that she has a duty to pay it forward. Judgement for the OP. Granny must provide 15 hours of childcare a week.

To answer the question in your title - what I would do is accept it. I'd be sad that I didn't have a family member who wanted to help me but I would accept that help is not mandatory. I would also not get snippy with people on the internet about it

Skilovingmama · 14/02/2022 06:41

Really sorry if i hit a nerve, but men can make kids until they die. Women have a clock that once expired, there is no going back and that's all. Once the choice is made and the time has elapsed, it would be silly to not think they had made the best choice and everyone else is silly for choosing family.

Just let people make their own choices. The fact that you think the world owes you something because of your own choice shows that you don’t sound entirely confident in it. Also, you never cleared up your ‘new dad’ post. Did you have a gender transition? Or are you actually a (very misogynistic) man who wants his mum to mind his kids for him?

Shoxfordian · 14/02/2022 06:49

Op you have some interesting views Hmm

Ask your mum about it if you want her to commit to some unpaid work for you regularly but don’t expect her to do it

loislovesstewie · 14/02/2022 07:00

I'm probably the same age as your mum. I am also retired. I worked full time even when my kids were small and paid a fortune in childcare. Nonetheless, I wouldn't be volunteering to provide care for grandkids. I can now;
Get up /go to bed when I want.
Go out for the day when I want.
Slob around the house if I want.
Go away for a few days without having to think about others.
In other words, I worked bloody hard to get some 'me' time and would like to enjoy it.
I did a very stressful job for over 35 years, and now I can de-stress. It's not selfish, but I have learned that I need to look after myself. Maybe your mum feels the same?

UsernameAB12 · 14/02/2022 07:20

The baby boomers are selfish. They got house prices cheap, lots of family support for their children. But when it comes to helping out a little for their own children all the sudden it's a different story.

You also forget free university education, amazing pensions and jobs for life.

UsernameAB12 · 14/02/2022 07:30

Skilovingmama
You sound like an American white supremacist there.

What!?!? What a hyperbolic statement that is. Just throwing around the word white supremacist at anything.

UsernameAB12 · 14/02/2022 07:35

stuntbubbles
What us parents do has assures the survival of our species. If no one has kids, ita over.
No bad thing.

Why are you on mumsnet if you hate humanity so much?

milkyaqua · 14/02/2022 07:47

@UsernameAB12

The baby boomers are selfish. They got house prices cheap, lots of family support for their children. But when it comes to helping out a little for their own children all the sudden it's a different story.

You also forget free university education, amazing pensions and jobs for life.

And they brought us the punk movement.

You'd almost think they were individuals, not some fantasy conglomerate repository for resentful people's spite.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 14/02/2022 07:49

Congratulations on your goady thread OP

I expect your mum doesn’t want to help you because she’s clearly raised a misogynistic cock HTH

weansu · 14/02/2022 08:12

Really sorry if i hit a nerve, but men can make kids until they die.

quality of the sperm isn't great though.

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2022 09:50

Climate change does not impact mans ability to tame nature. We have people in tha arctic, in the desert, underground, under water, in space

Oh dear OP. Grin

T00Ts · 14/02/2022 10:04

Weirdest OP ever. So grandiose, so deluded, so entitled and so….male *

*as yet unconfirmed.

slashlover · 14/02/2022 10:10

Agreed. Another poster called this comment about women “spiteful and bitchy,” assuming it was from another woman. From a man, it’s misogynistic for starters and a whole lot more.

Men can be spiteful and bitchy too.

Gowithme · 14/02/2022 10:26

So her parents helped out so she could work but you want her to help out so you can sort the house out and shop? Not quite the same thing.

riceuten · 14/02/2022 10:27

Ask, but don't lose it if she says no. What happened a generation ago does not bind this generation. You've obviously decided she "owes" you this, and that's not a brilliant start to negotiations, I must say.

iklboo · 14/02/2022 10:49

You also forget free university education, amazing pensions and jobs for life.

Oh do tell me where my parents' 'amazing pensions' and 'jobs for life' are. My dad was made redundant three times, my mum twice. I left college at 17 to get a job in the 80s because they were both out of work. I wish people would just stop imagining every single one of the 'baby boomers' lived in the lap of luxury with everything handed to them on a plate.

5YearsLeft · 14/02/2022 10:57

@slashlover

Agreed. Another poster called this comment about women “spiteful and bitchy,” assuming it was from another woman. From a man, it’s misogynistic for starters and a whole lot more.

Men can be spiteful and bitchy too.

You are absolutely correct, ta. I amend it to: misogynistic, spiteful, bitchy, and a whole lot more.
ThinWomansBrain · 14/02/2022 11:22

All these childless career women, dreading the dawn as they drink the last of the red wine, while picking out the cat hair
You sound really bitter and twisted - I feel very sorry for your children.

SpiderVersed · 14/02/2022 14:27

Holy hell, this thread is wild!

OP, you're coming across as an entitled, nasty misogynist.

Your mum had help from her parents so she could work. That's not the same as wanting time away from the toddlers to tidy up. And tewo grandparents looking after a child is very different to one person looking after twin toddlers.

Why don't you expect your dad to help? Is he not around , or are you just a misogynist wanting a woman to do the childcare?

Your comments about childfree women are revolting and your ignorance of overpopulation bizarre.

Cornishclio · 14/02/2022 14:37

As a retired grandmother myself to 2 DGDs I find it sad your mum doesn't want to help out but if she doesn't want to then not much you can do other than take up the free nursery hours or pay a childminder/nursery. We look after our grandchildren one day a week ( 1 pre schooler and 1 now at school) since they were about 6 months old and 2 days a week in school holidays so our DD and her husband can work. It helps us foster a relationship with our grandchildren and helps my DD out. I wouldn't like to do it more often than that though as it is exhausting to try and entertain them for a day or so each week. Twins are probably a bit beyond your mum if she hasn't offered. Don't forget things are more of a struggle as you get older and are not used to looking after young children.

I don't think you are selfish wanting your mum to help you though.

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