Page 3 | What would YOU do?

Lesperance · 13/02/2022 19:42

@Lyonic

But thats very selfish right? Taking but not reciprocating.

What is she not reciprocating? I don't understand? Surely not childcare, because you didn't care for her child. Anyway, there is no reason why your mum should look after your kids, but you are totally unreasonable here. You want her to offer. She hasn't. So long as you haven't asked, you don't get to even feel vaguely aggrieved. I think you haven't asked her because you know she doesn't want to. Why would she? It's exhausting looking after one 2.5 year old, let alone two, that's why you'd appreciate the break.

Teeturtle · 13/02/2022 19:43

@Lyonic

I dont understand why parents would not want to support their children, thats the circle of life. When I did not have kids, having all that time for whatever, thinking of having that time again and not helping my kids seems bonkers.

You talk about a sense of entitlement but we have not had anyone look after our kids
once.

I guess maybe im just more family oriented than others.

Doing your childcare is not supporting you, well if there were no other childcare in world then yes perhaps it is. But I think it is emotional blackmail to suggest that a grandparent that doesn’t want to do childcare is being unsupportive.

Your sense of entitlement is that a sense, that you consider it an issue that your mother has not offered. So you feel entitled to her time and effort.

Lesperance · 13/02/2022 19:44

What's wrong with being selfish? She's retired, perhaps she simply doesn't want to look after kids. I don't think I would. It might be different if you really need the help. But you don't. You want to shop. Order on line and let your mum enjoy her retirement.

changenametimeagain · 13/02/2022 19:45

@Lyonic

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

House unmolested?

Chely · 13/02/2022 19:45

@Lyonic

Ita more about having time to shop and do things without having 2 kids round your heels.

I know it does not sound alot but looking after kids for 2 hours a week would be amazing.

Fucking hell. I do that shit with 6 in tow and manage fine 🤣

Grandparent should be allowed to enjoy their retirement if that's what they want to do. Just bad luck for you and you'll have to learn to juggle it.

Redlorryyellowduck · 13/02/2022 19:45

My DP have my children one day a week so I can work, I'm hugely appreciative of it. I really don't think they'd have them just for me to have time to myself though, they'd be a bit if I wanted them to I think.

Lesperance · 13/02/2022 19:46

Being family orientated, doesn't mean providing free child care. That's not my definition, mine is about spending time together and being there at the hard moments. Not being a nursery substitute.

Original poster

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:46

@Waxonwaxoff0

There's a weird attitude on MN to this. No, your mum doesn't owe you childcare but in my world families help each other out. We all pitch in. My mother works full time and helps me out one day a week with school runs.

I do find it weird not to want to help your children if you can. I couldn't ever imagine taking the attitude of "your children, your responsibility" towards my children.

Yeah im the same, it takes a village and although it's tough, it has been the best experience in life. Thats why I cant wrap my head around this, i cant WAIT to see my grandkids and be there to support my kids. Everyone on here seems very cold and selfish xD

OP posts:

DemBonesDemBones · 13/02/2022 19:47

Good grief! If you need childcare to go to the shops pay for it like the rest of us!

Foldinthecheese · 13/02/2022 19:47

I have twins and a singleton. We don’t have any family help for regular childcare. When my twins were 2.5 my MiL and SiL looked after them very occasionally at the weekend, but there was no regular arrangement. I was grateful for the help they were willing to provide. I know (due to experience) that young twins are hard work and I wouldn’t have expected anyone to sign up for that job unless they were paid professionals. My children went to a childminder for the hours I was working, and the rest of the time they were with me.

Your mum was willing to accept childcare, but isn’t happy to provide it. Maybe her circumstances are different. Maybe she is overwhelmed by two toddlers. If she expects you to provide care for her in her old age, then perhaps she’s being hypocritical. But until you have a conversation with her about her reluctance, it’s hard to know for sure.

DemBonesDemBones · 13/02/2022 19:48

Or organise deliveries...

Houseofvelour · 13/02/2022 19:48

I would love my parents or in laws to look after my children sometimes but they don't. I get the off half hour once every couple of months so I can go to a drs appointment but that's it.

When I am a grandparent I will love to babysit my grandkids and have them over night but not everyone feels this way.

Your children are not your mums responsibility just like mine aren't my mums. It's shit but it's the truth.

Lesperance · 13/02/2022 19:48

That's weird. Before I just thought you were entitled, but now with toddlers you can't wait for grandchildren? You didn't say your mum was unsupportive, you said she hadn't offered to take your kids. You seem very self centred in assuming she has nothing else to do and that she owes you something. Why do you think that is?

Dumbo18 · 13/02/2022 19:49

I come from a family that wouldn’t consider not helping each other out so I read all these comments in amazement! Why should she and it’s not her problem? Surely family help each other out and 2/3 hours a week is nothing at all! Feel incredibly lucky that I have my family and partners family around us and I’m sure my siblings feel the same. I could raise ten of my own children and I’d still help them out when they have a family of their own, to me it’s just what you do!

Lesperance · 13/02/2022 19:50

And actually, you are being so cold and using towards your mother, who apparently you expect to look after your kids, but you can't actually talk to about it.

Fairyliz · 13/02/2022 19:50

You mention your mum but not your dad is he not around?
Your two grandparents looked after you so one child? That would mean they could tag team so have a break if it was too hard.
You are asking one person to look after two children so surely that’s much?

trevthecat · 13/02/2022 19:51

My parents are divorced, both retired. They have the kids occasionally when nursey was closed etc but they have never offered regular childcare. They have their own lives! I wouldn't expect them too. You have children and have to expect to pay for childcare

StoneofDestiny · 13/02/2022 19:51

Never had any family to offer childcare - lived too far away. Just organise your own.

hiredandsqueak · 13/02/2022 19:53

Tbh OP as a Granny who does provide childcare you have no idea how you will feel when your children have children. I help my dd because I love her and wouldn't see her struggle but if I had my choice I wouldn't be providing childcare as it's demanding, tiring, boring and all the things I was glad to see the back of when my own children grew up.

SmellinOfTroy · 13/02/2022 19:53

Did your mother give birth to your dc? Did she make you have them?

Nope to those? That's how much she should be obliged to look after your offspring

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 13/02/2022 19:53

I do think it's a bit odd that you haven't just asked her? Then at least you know where you stand. Maybe she's worried you'd want her to have them for a whole day rather than just a few hours? I have 2yo twins and I know they can be super hard work at times. My MIL will offer to look after them for a short time but she also looks very relieved when we get home 😆 I certainly don't expect it from her. She has freely said things like she can't manage breakfast or naptime (while staying with us).

Foldinthecheese · 13/02/2022 19:53

I also wonder about your children’s behaviour. My twins at 2.5 were generally very well-behaved, but they had their moments and I feel I was very lucky. I can’t blame your mum if she isn’t interested in spending one day a week chasing them as they run off in opposite directions at the playground, or refereeing arguments over who gets which blue plate, or managing simultaneous tantrums. Two toddlers really is a lot.

SmellinOfTroy · 13/02/2022 19:54

@Lyonic

But thats very selfish right? Taking but not reciprocating.

Not at all

Original poster

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:55

@Dumbo18

I come from a family that wouldn’t consider not helping each other out so I read all these comments in amazement! Why should she and it’s not her problem? Surely family help each other out and 2/3 hours a week is nothing at all! Feel incredibly lucky that I have my family and partners family around us and I’m sure my siblings feel the same. I could raise ten of my own children and I’d still help them out when they have a family of their own, to me it’s just what you do!

Really appreciate it, I think its just toxic people being toxic. We are actually really struggling to cope with them due to me having a disability and people on here "just get a home delivery", dont realise that aldi and lidl dont deliver lol. Just a different class of people I suppose.

OP posts:

romany4 · 13/02/2022 19:55

Yabu

I have a 5 month old grandson that I look after 12-9pm once a week to help my son and DIL as they both work late on the same day.
It's exhausting and I'm only 50.
No way would I want to look after 2_year old twins!!
You sound very entitled