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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would YOU do?

403 replies

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:06

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

OP posts:
Plasmodesmata · 13/02/2022 19:26

Two year old twins are not an easy childcare option are they? Maybe she'll feel more able to help with e.g. school runs once they are a bit older. But she doesn't have to.

powerofattorney12 · 13/02/2022 19:26

Have you asked your Mum OP and she has said no - or has she just not offered?

SaySomethingMan · 13/02/2022 19:28

You want her to look after 2 twin toddler boys? That’s asking a lot of her tbh. I’d hesitate too and I’m very “family orientated”.
Also, you want help to get your house in order? So you’ll be home? Yes yabu. She doesn’t owe you childcare.

Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:28

Not offering sorry.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 13/02/2022 19:30

Your grandmother may not have worked the same hours as your mum- she may have been a housewife, and less in need of some time to herself in retirement. She may have had fewer alternative ways to spend her time.

Your mum has only been retired a year, not long enough to get bored. She may be catching up with friends who have also retired or whom she hasn't had time to see.

It really isn't 'family oriented' to expect your mum to have your twins. Does she get to enjoy their company, or is it stressful being around them?

Has she spent a lot of time with you and them already?

HollowTalk · 13/02/2022 19:31

It's making me laugh all these people saying that a grandmother doesn't owe her daughter childcare but if you read the opening post you can see that she was happy to accept it several times a week herself.

Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:31

Ita more about having time to shop and do things without having 2 kids round your heels.

I know it does not sound alot but looking after kids for 2 hours a week would be amazing.

OP posts:
ChittyBangs · 13/02/2022 19:32

@HollowTalk

It's making me laugh all these people saying that a grandmother doesn't owe her daughter childcare but if you read the opening post you can see that she was happy to accept it several times a week herself.
Yeah but that doesn't mean she has to agree to childcare though?
doodleygirl · 13/02/2022 19:32

The sheer entitlement of your post is probably the reason your mum hasn’t offered.

Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:33

Thank you for seeing this! She took 15 hours a week childcare a week so she could work for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:34

But thats very selfish right? Taking but not reciprocating.

OP posts:
SunnySideUp2020 · 13/02/2022 19:34

My mum doesn't want to look after my kid and it's her choice. She is past that age. She doesn't have the patience or desire to do so and that's fine. I mean it is inconvenient when we visit but she doesn't owe me childcare. And I wouldn't force it on her.
We decided to be parents not my mum!
Also 2yo twins is not an easy job...

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/02/2022 19:35

There's a weird attitude on MN to this. No, your mum doesn't owe you childcare but in my world families help each other out. We all pitch in. My mother works full time and helps me out one day a week with school runs.

I do find it weird not to want to help your children if you can. I couldn't ever imagine taking the attitude of "your children, your responsibility" towards my children.

VodselForDinner · 13/02/2022 19:35

You’re coming across as hugely entitled.

You chose to have children, you need to source and pay for their care. Surely that wasn’t a surprise to you?

Ginger1982 · 13/02/2022 19:36

@Lyonic

Ita more about having time to shop and do things without having 2 kids round your heels.

I know it does not sound alot but looking after kids for 2 hours a week would be amazing.

So it's not so you can work, it's so you can do other things?
ChittyBangs · 13/02/2022 19:36

@Lyonic

But thats very selfish right? Taking but not reciprocating.
But that's life though, you don't have to do everything that has been done for you previously?
SunnySideUp2020 · 13/02/2022 19:36

It's not selfish no. Maybe not helpful but just because she has her kids in childcare doesnt mean she has to then look after other people's kids... that just makes no sense!
If anything it shows you that she'd rather NOT stay home with them!

TheOccupier · 13/02/2022 19:36

What do you mean, "what would YOU do"? I'd look after my own DCs. You can't force your mum to do it.

mbosnz · 13/02/2022 19:36

I'm not sure that it's 'pay it forward', when it comes to childcare. Different people, different times, different circumstances.

Yes, it's very hard having little ones, and yes, it's wonderful if people are kind enough to offer. However, if they don't, if they don't want to, or feel able, bottom line is that when we become parents, the buck stops with us.

lonelydad2021 · 13/02/2022 19:37

@Lyonic

But thats very selfish right? Taking but not reciprocating.
Lol. No. You are selfish. Your children, your problem. Not surprised she doesn't help.
Qwill · 13/02/2022 19:37

You sound very entitled and selfish. It doesn’t sound like you have asked her, and it doesn’t sound like you need it as you’ve said they are going to nursery?

TheOccupier · 13/02/2022 19:38

oh, and I'd also work really hard on behaviour and manners - you may find that in a couple of years when your DTs are a little more grown-up, sensible and independent your DM is more keen to look after them. 2yo twins are hard work!

Valdes · 13/02/2022 19:38

She's done her time, these are your children. Why should she sacrifice her time?

Don't get me wrong, it would be lovely and I think extended families helping out with children was something that we did really well in previous generations. Having said that, expecting help with a decision you've made is pretty entitled.

Xmassprout · 13/02/2022 19:39

So have you actually asked her?

Perhaps she asked her parents for help.

GaspingGekko · 13/02/2022 19:40

You're saying that your grandmother looked after you so your mum could work. But that you are asking for childcare to sort out the house and go shopping?
If I've understood that right then perhaps that is the reason why, at least in part?

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