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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would YOU do?

403 replies

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:06

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

OP posts:
flowervest75 · 13/02/2022 19:56

**There's a weird attitude on MN to this. No, your mum doesn't owe you childcare but in my world families help each other out. We all pitch in. My mother works full time and helps me out one day a week with school runs.

I do find it weird not to want to help your children if you can. I couldn't ever imagine taking the attitude of "your children, your responsibility" towards my children.

This lol. People on MN always come with the ‘no she doesn’t have to help out’ comments which makes no sense to me either.

I have a big family so maybe my experience is different. My grandma is 67 and still helps out with her grandkids now. She also comes round to mine every two weeks to look after my DD (her granddaughter) for a few hours so I can rest. My mum comes round to see her granddaughter at least 2/3 times a week. If I was working, my mum would help out with childcare. I also have my auntie who comes to help out once a week.

I’m not entitled to any of that but if you can help a family member, why wouldn’t you? I find that very bizzare

Foldinthecheese · 13/02/2022 19:56

You sound like such a delightful person. I can’t think why she wouldn’t want to help you.

Theunamedcat · 13/02/2022 19:56

My mom still works my kids are now 21 13 and 8 she has ever watched them so I can work she watched one when I went for a job interview once everything else blood tests smear tests anal exams I've all had to take the kids turn the pushchair to face the other way and get on with things

iklboo · 13/02/2022 19:57

You were left with your grandparents so your mum could go out to work. You seem to want it for 'me' time. You were also one child - not toddler twins who, by your earlier posts, are terrible sleepers. That's more of a handful than one child for a few hours a day.

Vallmo47 · 13/02/2022 19:57

I think it would be very kind of your mum to offer childcare if she felt up to it but if she doesn’t, for whatever reason, that’s fine too. I think helping others is kind, but your post sounds a bit like you were expecting free childcare and hence you are getting the responses you are getting. The only way for you to truly know how you will feel when that time in your life comes around, is for you to offer up childcare yourself when you are your mum’s age. If she has zero health issues and nor do you at that stage, then you can honestly hand on heart say you were a more giving person than she is.

I’ve had this conversation with my mother in law before. She wanted to see more of my kids, she said I wasn’t asking enough and she didn’t feel needed. I smiled and said “The children would love to see more of you. Come and visit anytime. They are your grandchildren to enjoy, when you feel like it. You have raised your kids and now that I’ve chosen to have two, I am happy to raise them as well. I never want you to feel like my children are a burden to you. They are supposed to be a pleasure”.

She adores my way of thinking now, as she’s disabled and in her 70’s. It’s time for her to enjoy her retirement, but my door is always open for her to visit when she wishes to.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 13/02/2022 19:58

Would she just be looking after them at your home? Taking twins out can be really hard work, especially if you let them out of the buggy eg at a playground. No way would my MIL be able to manage them in that scenario. Mine would be off like a shot 😂

Theunamedcat · 13/02/2022 19:58

And yes it does annoy me she had so much help from family when we were younger but its her way I suppose

weansu · 13/02/2022 19:59

She doesn't owe you childcare however it's normal in my culture to have gps help. This is not the norm on MNs.

Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:59

@lifesnotaspectatorsport

I do think it's a bit odd that you haven't just asked her? Then at least you know where you stand. Maybe she's worried you'd want her to have them for a whole day rather than just a few hours? I have 2yo twins and I know they can be super hard work at times. My MIL will offer to look after them for a short time but she also looks very relieved when we get home 😆 I certainly don't expect it from her. She has freely said things like she can't manage breakfast or naptime (while staying with us).
Yeah we havent had time for ourselves for over 2 years. I think people who dont have twins dont realise that its exponential and that we have had to create a totally child safe environment for them. Otherwise its not possible.
OP posts:
SparkleTwinkle101 · 13/02/2022 19:59

MN is so weird towards this!

We were in a situation where DM offered to have DS 2 days a week. We arranged a nursery for the other 3 days.

Just a week before this was due to start she took back her offer and left us high and dry. I remember posting on MN and being told how unreasonable I was being.

Absolute rubbish yes if they have capacity they should at least offer to help especially when they relied on their parents when you were little

mbosnz · 13/02/2022 19:59

So, is there a reason why you haven't asked your Mum? You don't feel you should have to?

If you're struggling, which it seems you are, I don't understand why you wouldn't ask.

However, even as a seasoned family caregiver to numerous offspring, I have to say that 2 year old twins would make me wilt, I wouldn't be offering, however if you asked, as your Mum, then I'd most probably be saying, 'yes of course dear'. I've done a shitload of my time, and I just got on and did my own childcare.

Armychefbethebest · 13/02/2022 19:59

I have 4 children ranging from 23 down to 12 I also have a 2 year old granddaughter. I work full time but term time only I look after my granddaughter over the holidays for a night or 2 for her mum to have a break because I know how difficult it was bringing mine up but.... I chose to have 4 kids and my daughter also has my younger 2 so I can go away with my partner for a few days but if all my children had 2 children each and they all expected me to provide childcare well I wouldn't get much of a retirement after working my arse off all my life . It would be nice but your but is not obligated and the fact she had parents who looked after you is irrelevant sorry . Never expect anything then when the answer is no there is no need for disappointment.

weansu · 13/02/2022 20:00

tbf twins would be hard work

Oddbobbyboo · 13/02/2022 20:01

In a heart beat I’d be having my grandchildren but i my parents never helped me with mine x
I wouldn’t want to leave them with anyone that didn’t actually want to have them.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 13/02/2022 20:01

@Lyonic

Thank you for seeing this! She took 15 hours a week childcare a week so she could work for years.
But you don't need childcare in order to be able to work.
Lesperance · 13/02/2022 20:02

@flowervest75 I can't fathom your comment though. Can you not see a whole myriad of reasons why grandparents might not help out, ranging from health, to other interests, other caring responsibilities, there are so many? But despite a good reason, perhaps you still CAN, but surely people are entitled to their lives? When my children were very small, my parents were retired, but had lots of caring responsibilities for my grandparents. I would never have asked them for regular childcare. And yet they COULD have, it would have been possible, but possible isn't necessarily reasonable.

weansu · 13/02/2022 20:02

I do find it weird not to want to help your children if you can. I couldn't ever imagine taking the attitude of "your children, your responsibility" towards my children.

Same, & we all help gps out too. Its just family supporting family.

weansu · 13/02/2022 20:03

You chose to have children, you need to source and pay for their care.

Er she's not expecting her mother to open up a nursery.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 13/02/2022 20:03

@Lyonic

But thats very selfish right? Taking but not reciprocating.
She doesn't owe you though; maybe she made it up to your grandmother in other ways.
harriethoyle · 13/02/2022 20:04

@Lyonic

But thats very selfish right? Taking but not reciprocating.
But she didn't take it from you! Why should she reciprocate a favour to you she got from someone else?!
lifesnotaspectatorsport · 13/02/2022 20:04

@Lyonic Yeah we havent had time for ourselves for over 2 years

I hear you! We have an older child as well and quality time for us as a couple is very rare. Could you ask your DM to babysit of an evening once the twins are in bed? MIL is always happy to do this - we settle the twins and then go out locally for drinks/ dinner. So she doesn't really have to run round after them but we get some adult time, which is precious as you know!

Talkitout1 · 13/02/2022 20:06

I'm in a position where by my mum can't help because she is disabled, my dad will help with the odd thing here or there but ultimately he has to look after my mother. So from my point of view I always think where people are able to look after their grandkids here and there, they are lucky , because some people who are so desperate too can't. But again I'm coming from a want to do it rather than it 'should' happen. And I guess maybe she just believes she's done her child bit with you.

SpidersAreShitheads · 13/02/2022 20:06

"lifesnotaspectatorsport
I do think it's a bit odd that you haven't just asked her? Then at least you know where you stand. Maybe she's worried you'd want her to have them for a whole day rather than just a few hours? I have 2yo twins and I know they can be super hard work at times. My MIL will offer to look after them for a short time but she also looks very relieved when we get home 😆 I certainly don't expect it from her. She has freely said things like she can't manage breakfast or naptime (while staying with us)."

Lyonic
"Yeah we havent had time for ourselves for over 2 years. I think people who dont have twins dont realise that its exponential and that we have had to create a totally child safe environment for them. Otherwise its not possible."

I also have twins - it IS a whole different experience than having a single baby, or even two children close in age. But I'm still confused why you haven't asked her? You've answered a lot of questions on this thread but you haven't explained why you haven't raised the subject with her yourself?

FWIW, I agree that families should all pitch in together. I had help from my DM and now my DM is older, I help her with stuff. I would have done that whether or not I have DC, but the mentality in my family is very much that we naturally try to help each other and make life easier. My DP's family is much more hands-off so I've seen both sides of it. I've said that if DP's parents need care, I'd happily help them as needed even though they're not been there for us.

You need to talk to your DM - she might be feeling overwhelmed at the idea of twins, or just not sure how to raise the subject. Ask her.

Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 20:06

@lifesnotaspectatorsport

Would she just be looking after them at your home? Taking twins out can be really hard work, especially if you let them out of the buggy eg at a playground. No way would my MIL be able to manage them in that scenario. Mine would be off like a shot 😂
Litterally in our prison of a home where if you passed out drunk, there is nothing environmental, that could harm the kids.
OP posts:
weansu · 13/02/2022 20:06

It's half term, tmw my mil is having one dc to play & stay over. The other is going to my parents. I'm not at work, but it's lovely to have a day free of dc.

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