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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would YOU do?

403 replies

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:06

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

OP posts:
dondon23 · 13/02/2022 21:42

Just ask your mum?

slashlover · 13/02/2022 21:42

I think a lot of women look down their nose at people who want to have families inatead of careers. What us parents do has assures the survival of our species. If no one has kids, ita over.

And you're not looking down your nose at childfree women with your comments about wine, cat hair and dreading the dawn (whatever that means)?

weansu · 13/02/2022 21:44

The world is overpopulated, don't pretend you had kids in case the world ran out of people.

So what age do we all have to kill ourselves then?

stuntbubbles · 13/02/2022 21:44

What us parents do has assures the survival of our species. If no one has kids, ita over.
No bad thing.

Marimaur · 13/02/2022 21:44

It’s not ‘her responsibility’ BUT it is a little bit shitty if she can but won’t.. at all..

slashlover · 13/02/2022 21:44

@lovelygreenplants

Slash what are you doing on a forum like Mumsnet if you seem to have a massive disdain for women who want children
I don't, I have massive disdain for women who thing they're superior for having kids and make nasty comments about wine and cat hair and how they're saving the world population.
weansu · 13/02/2022 21:45

@MulticolourTulips the OP stated he gps helped.

weansu · 13/02/2022 21:45

her not he

slashlover · 13/02/2022 21:45

@weansu

The world is overpopulated, don't pretend you had kids in case the world ran out of people.

So what age do we all have to kill ourselves then?

What? Where did I say that? I said that people who say they had kids in case the population of the world ran out are talking nonsense.
CoastalWave · 13/02/2022 21:46

Wow, you sound ridiculously entitled!

Your mother is enjoying HER RETIREMENT. How bloody selfish are you wanting her to stop it! Just so you can have a rest from the children YOU CHOSE TO HAVE!

And I say this as someone with two small ones - I managed with two babies, no help whatsoever other than help I paid for.

Get over yourself and allow your own Mum the pleasure of her retirement. She can see the grandchildren for pleasure - not for work.

Persephoned · 13/02/2022 21:46

It is very possible to lead a worthwhile life without having children OP.

I wish you all the best

Echobelly · 13/02/2022 21:46

I've got to say I'm not sure I'll want to commit to any regular childcare if my kids have grandkids and I'm no longer working. I don't think grandparents are compelled to offer at all, especially as most grandparents now are likely to be working when their kids have young children.

I would have asked my mum if she could do a day a week had she been in good health, but she's not so I never did that, though she helped whenever she could and said she would have done a regular day had she been well enough. ILs were, and still are, working FT, so were never an option.

Skilovingmama · 13/02/2022 21:48

She never once mentioned race, you did.

Seeing as the world’s population has doubled in the past 70 years you don’t have to be a genius to see that there is zero threat of the population dying out. So those who say that clearly mean certain types of people.

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 21:48

@CoastalWave

Wow, you sound ridiculously entitled!

Your mother is enjoying HER RETIREMENT. How bloody selfish are you wanting her to stop it! Just so you can have a rest from the children YOU CHOSE TO HAVE!

And I say this as someone with two small ones - I managed with two babies, no help whatsoever other than help I paid for.

Get over yourself and allow your own Mum the pleasure of her retirement. She can see the grandchildren for pleasure - not for work.

This person wants others to struggle become they had no help. The op wanted two hours. I doubt two hours would ruin someone's retirement.
Secnarf · 13/02/2022 21:48

I understand where you are coming from .I’ve got a young (but school aged) child, and my life is a constant stress, rushing to get everyone to work/breakfast club, then rushing back to pick up and get to after school school activities, getting everyone fed, clean and in bed, and then logging back into work after bedtime every sodding day. My colleagues think I am mad when I talk about not having the luxury to stay at work that little bit longer to get things done. But it’s better than the constant rush rush rush.

My parents don’t live close enough to do childcare, but at one point, they were considering relocating to be near to us, and were talking about helping after-school. I wouldn’t feel right to accept it, as this is asking for a regular commitment from them. They are at a stage in life where they can go for long holidays or meet with friends for long lunches, etc, and signing up to childcare robs them of this opportunity. I would have been very happy for them to have her after school at their own discretion, but I would have continued to pay for her after-school care, as there has to be a reliable option.

It doesn’t mean that we are not family-oriented. We holiday together by choice when possible. It’s just that I don’t think it is a fair or robust arrangement.

I sometimes hate my life as it currently is, but I chose to be a parent, and this too shall pass (and I will miss these days when she no longer needs me and I can wear my rose-tinted glasses).

Benjispruce5 · 13/02/2022 21:49

Your children, your responsibility. Any babysitting is icing on the cake. YOU( both parents) are the cake.

Persephoned · 13/02/2022 21:50

Oh good lord. I just posted a sensible post and thought it was important to support the OP. Then read this

It's the way the western world operates now aparently. All these childless career women, dreading the dawn as they drink the last of the red wine, while picking out the cat hair.

So apparently because my partner can’t have children, and I’m interested in my job, I don’t have an opinion….. foul comment OP

iklboo · 13/02/2022 21:50

It's not a myth. My mother's family were 'working class.' She has four siblings. None of them went to university. My mum said she wasn't even bothered about collecting her school qualifications. All of her siblings had good jobs and now own homes work 500,000 plus. My mum's friends have also done well for themselves. My grandparents had to pay for care in their old age due to the home they owned outright and their pensions.

Your anecdata is not proof everyone was the same.

CoastalWave · 13/02/2022 21:51

But the point is, the OP's mother does not OWE her even 2 hours!

I personally wouldn't want this commitment either once I get to retirement age. Yes, I would like to see any grandkids, but I would absolutely hate to be tied in to unpaid childcare week in week out. Be like a job.

As you say, she only wants 2 hours childcare. Easy. Pay for it and stop being a drama queen.

Skilovingmama · 13/02/2022 21:51

I think a lot of women look down their nose at people who want to have families inatead of careers. What us parents do has assures the survival of our species. If no one has kids, ita over

Well, plenty of women do both. Plus that’s a shit ton of projection going on there. I suspect you’re not that happy with your own choices, otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to make nasty bitchy comments constantly.

And as for your question ‘how can you say the world is overpopulated, there’s so much land for families’, surely not even you are that dim. Do you ever read a newspaper?

weansu · 13/02/2022 21:51

@slashlover but many Western countries are overpopulated due to people living longer not because of too many dc. And you are saying overpopulation is a bad thing, or is it only bad to have too many young people?

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 13/02/2022 21:51

I guess maybe im just more family oriented than others.

You know when you were child free? How many hours of unpaid childcare did you do each week?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2022 21:51

My mum made it clear that she would not be offering regular childcare (ie daily during work hours) but she was free to do 'ad hoc' when it worked for everyone. It wasn't so much 'I've done my time' or 'You chose to have kids" but that she and Dad worked hard all their lives and now that they were retired they loved to travel and take long drives and she didn't want to be tied down. I completely understood. But even if she'd said that she and dad wanted to just sit on the porch and hold hands, I'd still have understood. After the hustle bustle of family life, it was finally 'their time'. And IMO they deserved it!

She was aces though with 'sick days' and times when DH and I wanted time away or had things to do that weren't really child friendly. She'd also take them for the occasional weekend and for one whole week in the summer (one at a time). We didn't take advantage and she knew she was free to say 'no' if she wanted to. I think that's the right level of childcare to 'expect'.

IMHO the fact that one's parent got 'lots of help' from one's grandparents does NOT create any 'obligation' for their parents to do the same for them. Why would it? Any 'obligation' would be for those parents to help care for the now elderly parents who cared for their children.

slashlover · 13/02/2022 21:51

This person wants others to struggle become they had no help. The op wanted two hours. I doubt two hours would ruin someone's retirement.

OP is sending the kids to nursery soon and also has a DP.

Benjispruce5 · 13/02/2022 21:52

I am situation on the sofa by the fire with a glass of wine. DH has fallen asleep by the fire. DD1 is at uni in 3rd year DD2(y13) is with boyfriend. DM died 6 years ago, DF is with his new partner. Life evolves. I loved every minute having my child at home all the time but life moves on. Your parent’s live’s have moved on.

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