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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would YOU do?

403 replies

Lyonic · 13/02/2022 19:06

I have twin boys aged 2 and a half who will be starting nursery soon. While it has been a struggle to get to this stage theough covid, the idea of freeing up some time to get the house in order unmolested! Cant wait.

The issue is that my mother who has been retired for over a year has not offered any support for childcare. I was left in the care of my grandparents for 3 hours a day, Mon - Fri, yet us asking help for 1 day a week is crossing a line?

I feel im im the right but wanted to know what you think?

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 22:48

I don't think the op is bothered about childcare anymore.

AngelinaFibres · 13/02/2022 22:49

@MulticolourTulips

We childfree women are destined to be alone, drunk and with loads of cats. (TBH, that sounds better than having kids to me but we're all different.)

It does to me and I do have kids

I am childfree. I am not alone, I have a lovely husband, but alone is quite appealing now and again.Thank God for golf, it takes bloody hours. Not massively keen on cats. Really quite keen on wine.So , yep, bring on alone and drunk. Life is a multi faceted thing Op. Your mum sent you to your grandparents so she could work. Perhaps she didn't like being a full time mum. Some people don't. It's allowed. If she didn't like the daily grind of you as a child it's a bit of a stretch to expect her to be a very present granny to your twins. She has never suggested to you that it is her 'thing'. She is also many, many years older than when she had you. For some people it is too much.You haven't even asked her.
AngelinaFibres · 13/02/2022 22:51

@weansu

I have kids & cats!
I have wine. Pop round SmileSmile
weansu · 13/02/2022 22:52
Wink
TrashyPanda · 13/02/2022 22:56

Not having children harms the human race and its chance for survival. You have to put your time in to humanity!
Wow.

You do realise that people who don’t have children may not have made a choice to be that way? You aren’t some kind of saviour because you have children.

You sound very self centred. if you want more time to go shopping, let your partner look after his kids for a bit.

You don’t work. Your mum has recently retired and is a lot older than you. Maybe you should be asking what you can do to help her?

FangsForTheMemory · 13/02/2022 22:56

All these childless career women, dreading the dawn as they drink the last of the red wine, while picking out the cat hair.

Ah. I see where you're coming from. It's the fault of the women who don't want children. Nothing to do with childcare or
grandparents.

FartVandelay · 13/02/2022 22:56

OP, maybe your mum's enjoying drinking the last of the red wine while waiting for the dawn (I quite like sunrises myself) rather than running around after twin toddlers.

I cant believe you're still hankering after free childcare when you've already solved climate change, got us all living under water and are single-handedly saving humanity (and all this with a housethat's not in order). Your poor mum's probably too much in awe of you to dare speak to you

WeAllHaveWings · 13/02/2022 22:59

@Lyonic

I dont understand why parents would not want to support their children, thats the circle of life. When I did not have kids, having all that time for whatever, thinking of having that time again and not helping my kids seems bonkers.

You talk about a sense of entitlement but we have not had anyone look after our kids
once.

I guess maybe im just more family oriented than others.

I dont understand why parents would not want to support their children,

None of us can understand until we have raised our own kids, worked and now for the first time not only have a life of our own but also also realise we are no spring chickens anymore.

Whatever the reasons you need to respect them.

Original poster
Lyonic · 13/02/2022 23:01

@StillMedusa

I'm torn on this. One the one hand she doesn't owe you anything... she worked and had her DP as childcare..her choice (and maybe she wasn't that keen on staying home with little ones!) and now she's retired and wants to be..retired! On the other hand being an involved grandparent is fabulous and I can't imagine not helping out..I work part time now and have my grandson anywhere between 1 and 4 days a week depending on my DD and her dh's nursing shifts. It's knackering but fun too. And I have a very special relationship with him as a result. But I'm not sure I could manage two toddlers at once these days (I had 4 under 5 a long time ago)!
I would love my mum to have that special relationship too! She is a fun person! Twins are ok as long as you are prepped and provisioned.
OP posts:
iklboo · 13/02/2022 23:05

I did need a wee but you've totally taken the piss.

SpangledShambles · 13/02/2022 23:07

Why does this polarising thing re generational hardship constantly pop up? Every generation has its struggles and hardships, plus its benefits and delights.

GPs helping out is an individual thing not a generational thing. We got landed on relatives a lot as kids, my dm lovely but wouldn’t cope with having my kids landed on her for too long- just the person she is. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love us.

ifoundthebread · 13/02/2022 23:11

I was used by my parents as frequent childcare for my younger brother as was my mother's mother. I mentioned work changing my hours and their attitude was that they didn't want to be weekly childcare for my children. They didn't mind an hour here or there for an appointment or something important like that but not as a weekly commitment.

My mother in law would travel 3 hours by bus when my daughter was younger so my dh and I could have some time for us and she had bonding time with her granddaughter. Everyone sees their roles differently in family dynamics, my father feels all his spare time should be his to waste now he's retired but my time wasn't mine to waste when I was younger.

They don't owe you childcare, yeah would be nice of them but they're your children and your issue unfortunately.

AngelinaFibres · 13/02/2022 23:13

@Tootsey11

Reading all your replies Op, you sound a pillock. I cannot blame your mother if she doesn't want to look after your kids.
Lol .HilariousSmileSmile Nuclear fusion mentioned up thread. I am brilliant at models with toilet rolls and cutting and sticking .I could help Op with that.Im sure we could knock up some tunnel type thing like the one at Cern.......oh no she doesn't have child care....oh well back to the wine for me then . Here puss ,puss.
surreygirl1987 · 13/02/2022 23:19

This is bizarre. You sound really entitled. Of course it would be lovely to have the grandparents look after their children each week... but I'd never EXPECT that! We use childcare. My parents and inlaws live more than 100 miles away anyway. A day a week?! My parents have looked after my children twice ever I think!

Unpopular37 · 13/02/2022 23:22

@weansu

Well , baby boomers had to contend with 12% interest on their mortgages, and very many had to lose out in negative equity totalling tens of thousands in the 80s/90s . We really struggled.

But statistically that generation did have it good.

Which statistics? Could you post some links please
Wafflesnsniffles · 13/02/2022 23:25

What your grandparents did in looking after you is nothing to do with what your own mother does with your children. Its totally up to her.

To say things like "well I guess Im more family orientated than others" is ridiculous. No you arent, just have an entitled attitude.

I will pitch in and help with any grandkids I end up with yes - because I want to, not because of any expectation on my part or my childrens. My own grandparents did very little looking after me when I was a child but that has no bearing on how family orientated they were.

T00Ts · 13/02/2022 23:45

It's the way the western world operates now aparently. All these childless career women, dreading the dawn as they drink the last of the red wine, while picking out the cat hair

So the OP is a man then, according to their other thread? If so, that makes this spiteful remark much, much worse.

NorthSouthcatlady · 14/02/2022 00:12

All these childless career women, dreading the dawn as they drink the last of the red wine, while picking out the cat hair =more than a little judgey and bitchy Hmm. Some women can’t have children after all and quite possibly don’t dread the dawn

I can see @Lyonic situation from both sides. My mum got a world of support from her mother, with my siblings and l. But she point black refuses to give any grandchild support. Now she’s getting older then she wants more support but lm not really willing to get involved in that. You reap what you sow and all that. What are your mums expectations for when she gets older? No one made you gave children but is it that bad to support family?

Whoopsmahoot · 14/02/2022 00:29

I’m afraid I’m of the opinion their your kids, your problem. Ask and if they want to then great. But they have worked all their life and raised their own family. Let them enjoy retirement and have the kids when it suits THEM and not you. My parents babysat when they could and wanted to but regular childcare was a childminder during the day.

Refrosty · 14/02/2022 00:41

I'm am very family oriented, but can see sense in any grandparent declining such a commitment. I've two young kids. I'm stressed. I get it. But nobody owes you anything. Also, it's a bit rubbish to compare the two grandmothers. Don't start that, you might regret it later.

5YearsLeft · 14/02/2022 00:47

@T00Ts

It's the way the western world operates now aparently. All these childless career women, dreading the dawn as they drink the last of the red wine, while picking out the cat hair

So the OP is a man then, according to their other thread? If so, that makes this spiteful remark much, much worse.

Agreed. Another poster called this comment about women “spiteful and bitchy,” assuming it was from another woman. From a man, it’s misogynistic for starters and a whole lot more. When you combine it with the comments about being “family oriented” and us “needing babies” when OP did not bear children, I’m wondering if HIS mother simply feels that she and her time are not valued by him, as a woman. Since he seems to think that women are important for bearing children, looking after children, being family-oriented… and not having careers, wine, and cats (all of which are lovely things?!?).

The thread where OP is a “new dad:” www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4043324-New-dad-need-help-getting-power

Lyonic · 14/02/2022 02:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for repeating deleted message. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

PerditaPerdita · 14/02/2022 03:25

You're right, @Lyonic and it's a hard stop for women that can be unbelievably upsetting and u fermi I g to their whole sense of self, which is why it's such a sensitive topic ..... get your umbrella up for the comments when everyone wakes up 😉

Personally I agree it's v sad and disappointing that your mum isn't allocating some of her time/energy to bring with her grandkids and helping you. If I'm lucky enough to have grandkids, I certainly plan to be a proper Grand-mother - ie, the original mother, a central figure loving and helping and teaching!

I might get slated for saying that, too, but hey.

PerditaPerdita · 14/02/2022 03:26

Oops typos ... I meant undermining to sense of self ... and being with the grandkids ...

HiKelsey · 14/02/2022 04:05

Is it just your mum? Or dad too?

For me I just have DC but my mum works full time, my stepdad has just retired but I have younger siblings that need my parents help. They help me as much as they can but it's exhausting when they have to help do homework for my siblings then add my 2.5 year old to the mix. Unfortunately you can't expect your mum to help you because it's her choice. My in laws don't want anything to do with my DC unless for show so I can't trust them to take care of her but my new partners parents are desperate for her to stay overnight but it's a new relationship.

I will happily help my DC when she's older and I think the more people that help raise a child, help to set the child up for a good future. But it is personal choice, my friends parents have her son loads whereas mine can't. It's hard but my mum didn't choose to have my DC, I did.

However my friend has just had twin boys and her parents and in laws struggle to have both so they take one each. If its for cleaning/ shopping could your mum maybe have one DC and alternate so you have half the stress?