to ask if your older relatives don’t ‘get’ that you work?

[Knityourownyoghurt]

My dad is in his 60s, has been retired for 10 years & before that was his own boss. However he seems to have totally forgotten what full time work is like. He phones mid afternoon on weekdays expecting a chat and doesn’t ‘get’ that I don’t have half an hour to natter.

MIL, who worked sporadically but never full time and not for many years after having children, offered to look after DD one day a week as she thinks full time nursery is ‘too much for little ones’. When we explained she would have to 100% commit to that day, she seemed confused, and said if something popped up and she couldn’t have DD we would just have to take the day off

Is this a ‘thing’ or just my relatives?!

Oh it’s definitely a thing!

No, some of mine were a bit like that.
I am now retired and do my best NOT to forget all the ramifications of working for a living!

I think it just your relations ...........

The retirement age is 66/67 but lots of people are working past that age with the recent fuel, heating, cost of living increases.

My mum was terrible. She would text rather than call. But send the same message again, if I didn't respond. Then again.

She also would just call for a chat when I wfh. Very annoying.

Dad has started doing similar. But mum died a few weeks ago. I find myself wondering why she hasn't disturbed me now 🤣

Dad's lonely and seems concerned he is looking after the dog wrong (or thats an excuse to talk to me) so I do make time where I can. He is a bit more understanding when I can't.

I do also give him a head up when I will be out of contact completely, for meetings or driving. He did work. He was in the police and then moved to the NHS after retiring.

Mum only ever worked PT though.

My mum was a teacher. For the first 15 years of my career she really struggled to get her head round the fact I worked all year round and didn't get school holidays off. Or that it being school holidays didn't meant everyone else shut down and work was really quiet.

Oh and dad is 66, if its relevant.

It's a thing, they forget or some haven't worked full time or been able to retire early

It's just your family.

Most 60yo are still working and would not consider themselves elderly.

My parents are still working at 67/68, so no… but my dad has always been self employed and he forgets that I work office hours so does tend to ring for a chat at inconvenient times.

Not quite but my mum seems to have forgotten what working with small children is like and expects daily phone/video calls regardless of swimming lessons/brownies/ reading and homework etc. Drives me potty, but she’s on her own now and lockdowns etc have been hard on her, especially since me and my sibling both quite far away. I think she’s just lonely and has forgotten what it’s like…

My DM does the same. And expects me to drop everything to take her to hospital appointments. Which I do, taking annual leave every time which eats into my allowance. I tried explaining to her the other day that the appointment she had wasn't convenient for me and she'd have to call them to change it as per the letter. Nope, she couldn't do that apparently. So I called them, explained that I have to drive her and I couldn't do the day she'd been given. Absolutely fine. I'm sure she thinks my boss just gives me the time off though.

100% yes. Even after you explain. Tbh they mean well so gotta shrug it off.

I had an elderly relative who didn’t get the career/ working thing but in a different way. When I visited her I’d stay in the city in a 4* hotel —- but I couldn’t tell her this. She’d have been horrified at the cost ( just the thought of it) I had to say I was staying with an old friend.
Took her for a posh afternoon tea, she loved it, but was shocked when I said I’d get a cab to take her home, insisting she’d take the bus.
She just couldn’t see that women in their 30s and 40s earned a high-ish salary.

My Dad struggles with the idea that I work (part time, 16 hours) when I have 2 primary school aged children that I could stay home with. I have asked him if he would like to pay me a wage to stay home and he declined!
He is always trying to suggest that my sister in law, who has 2 small children, one not yet at school finds herself a job to keep herself busy!
You can't win!

So back to work I go

Definitely a thing, you're not alone.

Fil very fond of sending messages saying "Please call me now". DP not allowed phone on work floor so sometimes there's more than one in increasing urgency. DP sees messages at break, assumes something awful has happened, calls back...

Literally every time it's a nonsense query, eg "just thinking about what time we should come over on Saturday" or "have you thought about booking airport parking for the holiday in September yet?" followed by some chit chat, and DP only gets 30 mins lunchbreak!

Fil only retired recently too, not sure where this complete lack of awareness has come from.

Yep DF called me Thursday evening and said where have you been all day I've called your mobile, at work dad in my full time job.....

Op, how very dare you flaunt your families finacial security on this thread.

(Joke, but some people really need to lighten up).

My dad retired at 58, 30 years ago. Some people do plan for retirement (and he wasnt super wealthy, just careful).

Isn't your MIL right though?

I mean, no one person can 100% commit. She may have a day when she's feeling ill. Or has an important medical appt. So it would definitely be reasonable to expect you to need to take annual leave sometimes.

Also loads of people I know work full time and can have 20 minutes for a chat, especially now working from home. I chat with my partner during working hours quite a bit.

YABU on that basis.

It depends on the person. The retirement age is 67, so most people I their 60s are still working - it would be unusual for those working not to understand. I think not understanding comes from not working, or working part time, and probably mixing with people in the similar situations - so probably forgetting that other people work full time. It drives me mad.

My PIL are like this. They usually ring DH in the evening, as he works 9-5. But if they want to speak to someone in the day, they ring me. Because I'm a woman and can't possibly also have a 9-5 job
And this is despite telling them many many times that I work, and what I do
It
Just
Doesn't
Compute

I think they forget, especially if you’re working from home. Mine also natter too much in general!

I had my auntie blowing up my phone on Friday, came home to messages on the home phone and everything - I work in a chemistry lab, I literally had my hands in a glove box and couldn't reach my phone.

I've always had WFH days even pre pandemic-my mum would drive past, see my car and ring me asking if I was home. I'd say yes, but I'm working from home. She'd say 'great, I'll be there in half an hour' She gets it now, but it took some training!

Since 2020, both me and DH have WFH full time, and ILs are still a little bad for just 'popping in'. I've learned now to be really strict and give them nothing more than a cheery wave without looking up, whilst they hover eagerly near the door.

I love them all dearly, but sometimes wish they weren't quite so nearby!

Same, drives me wild! Even worse now WFH, just turn up. I ignore the door, then tell them I was in the office that day.

I didn’t have this problem, as FIL and MIL worked full time until FIL was 91, and I was nc with my own abusive parents.
I didn’t have a mobile until I retired myself, and they would have failed to get hold of me in the operating theatre all day anyway.
Do PPs think maybe their elderly relatives are sexist, and assume women don’t have “proper” jobs, so can drop everything to reply to phone calls any time?