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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if your older relatives don’t ‘get’ that you work?

258 replies

Knityourownyoghurt · 13/02/2022 18:21

My dad is in his 60s, has been retired for 10 years & before that was his own boss. However he seems to have totally forgotten what full time work is like. He phones mid afternoon on weekdays expecting a chat and doesn’t ‘get’ that I don’t have half an hour to natter.

MIL, who worked sporadically but never full time and not for many years after having children, offered to look after DD one day a week as she thinks full time nursery is ‘too much for little ones’. When we explained she would have to 100% commit to that day, she seemed confused, and said if something popped up and she couldn’t have DD we would just have to take the day off Hmm

Is this a ‘thing’ or just my relatives?!

OP posts:
MillieSav · 13/02/2022 20:32

I remember my Aunt telling me it was good I was giving up my job as I was 5 months pregnant "so you can make sure Husband has his tea waiting for him every night when he finishes work".
I wasn't giving up work, my temporary contract was due to end.

Franklin12 · 13/02/2022 20:32

There seem to be an awful lot of older women who have never worked and seemingly don’t understand that younger women who do don’t seem to have any time to look after them, ferry them around etc.

Maybe they have lost a sense of reality.

Monopolyiscrap · 13/02/2022 20:33

@OneMoreForExtra

My DM gets that I work and would never dream of interrupting me. But she is consistently horrified that I pick the kids up from the after school club at 6. It's so late for them! Yes, but roaming the streets for 2.5 hours till I finish work wouldn't be ideal either.

MIL thinks the fact that most people don't leave their place of employment to come back home for a full cooked lunch before going back for the afternoon's work reflects a lack of family values

I am amazed at your MIL. Coming home for a full cooked lunch was more common when people usually lived 5 minutes from their place of work. But that hasn't been the case for a very long time.
Baystard · 13/02/2022 20:34

YANBU, this is definitely a thing. My DM worked but since retiring can't comprehend why I'm not available to do things during the week and is surprised when I say I'm working.

DM "Can I come round at 3.30 pm?"
Me "No, I'm working til 5.30. I'll be home at 6.15"
DM "I didn't want to stay late, what about 4.30pm?
Me " No, I'm working til 5.30. I'll not be home until 6.15"

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/02/2022 20:35

@TinaWeymouthsBass

Oh it's definitely a thing for my dad, he's 78 and retired years ago, he'll text me at random times during the day and if I don't reply immediately he'll keep texting.... Are you there? Are you there? Are you there? It was quite funny the first time......
🤣🤣, that's funny. My DM was like this and once sent a message at around 11am, then another at 1pm asking why I hadn't responded. It was mid week and I was exhausted from a 8 day stint at work. I called her later and explained that working irregular hours, a 2 hour commute and running a home didn't leave me much time to chat when it suits. She didn't do it again. She's retired bit was a nurse for over 40 years!!!!
ODFOx · 13/02/2022 20:36

My (ex) FIL insisted that I take two days off work to do some work and make some decisions about a property that we hold between us in trust for my children. (ExH passed away after we were divorced)
I turned up for the meeting to find that he wanted me to do a pre-tenancy clean and make him cups of tea while he chatted away to the electrician doing the pat testing .
It happened once before I patiently ( through gritted teeth) explained to him that being a consultant doesn't mean I'm flexible with my hours, that I'm shit at cleaning, and that the amount it cost me was considerably more that paying a competent cleaning professional would. He has since told me, with a straight face, that as I'm a woman he thought I'd like to do it.
We had another conversation about the fact that he will text or call me all day long but I won't answer until I'm home from work, this means that if there's a genuine emergency I won't get the message, but he wouldn't stop. Even now we average 11 texts and 3 calls a day. I feel you OP. Some people (especially older generation) just don't get it.

JennyForeigner · 13/02/2022 20:36

My parents were professional trade unionists. Not only do they forget about work, they can't understand why we aren't on general strike every time the clock ticks over 35 hours.

The flipside is that they absolutely panic every time one of us moves jobs. My brother and sister are both very successful in flexible IT/tech roles. I swear mum has gone grey with the sheer stress of getting her head around paying for grandchildren with stock options.

Mary46 · 13/02/2022 20:36

I dont woodhill. I ignore alot of it. Then we told a duty to the elderly. Its hard. Ive only so many hours in day.. They out of touch I think its fast paced these days they dont see it like that

StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream · 13/02/2022 20:42

My in laws are a bit like this, my husband is a teacher so doesn't answer calls or texts during the working day (unless it's something to do with the kids). My in laws will message him and if he hasn't replied in the day they then do arsey follow up messages asking if he got the message or try ringing. They've only been retired a couple of years too!!

My own parents have issues with understanding that working from home is still working, they seem to be under the impression that I can just nip out for a few hours or if my dad rings me he thinks I can chat. I have to reiterate that I'm at work just like my husband is only I'm in the house. My mum will also comment about the house being a mess and point out I've been in all day... yes I have, working, again just like my husband, only you don't expect him to have cleaned the house as he's at work!!

Lockdown my in laws would call round and expect us to stand on the doorstep chatting during the working day (when you weren't even meant to be seeing anyone)!!! It winds me up just thinking about it!!

Waddlegoose · 13/02/2022 20:45

Yes! My mum gets really annoyed if I don’t response to messages but working full time and having small children I don’t get a massive amount of time. She gets annoyed if I read a message but don’t respond for 2 days. Normally something distracts me and I forget. It’s drives me mad.

indignatio · 13/02/2022 20:45

My in laws were teachers, so how come they don't get not calling during the working day??

TheMadGardener · 13/02/2022 20:46

My 'D'M has never had a proper job. She's 84 now. I have worked in teaching since 1992 and my DSis works in frontline NHS doing all sorts of shift times.

To me, DM is ALWAYS saying things like, "There's this event on next Tuesday afternoon, shall I get you a ticket?" and she's ALWAYS surprised when I say, "Er, no, because I'll be at school, working, on a Tuesday afternoon?"

She used to really annoy my DSis by turning up at her house at a time when DSis had just managed to get to sleep after finishing a night shift. No matter how often DSis gave her schedules of when she was working, she would keep turning up either when DSis was sleeping or she would turn up when DSis was at work and then complain she wasn't there. Until recently she had a key to DSis's house and used to let herself in and bang about to wake DSis up. Then she escalated to coming into the bedroom and frightening the life out of DSis, who lives alone, by suddenly waking her with lights and a loud voice. DSis also knew DM was letting herself into the house while she was out and having a good snoop round. About 6 months ago DSis, encouraged by me, changed the barrel in her front door lock so DM's key does not work any more. She didn't tell DM she had done this and DM has not yet admitted that she has tried and failed to let herself in (we know she has because neighbour saw her). I told DSis she should have got a Ring doorbell so we could have enjoyed watching her struggle with the key. That might sound evil of me but if you knew all the things DM has got up to in the past (I've had other threads about her)...

tabletopgreen · 13/02/2022 20:46

Há ! I can beat you. DH and I both wfh, sometimes I am in the office. But my DF will just let himself into the house and find us in the office.

Tbh if we are on the phone then he’ll go away without a issue but it can be distracting…..

Oh he’s still working, but for himself

Xenia · 13/02/2022 20:50

Not in our family as we all work which means I could never look after the grandchild as I work full time!

bananabuddy3 · 13/02/2022 20:55

Yep my dads like this OP!

I’m a teacher, he’s actually called the school office before over very trivial matters such as “I found a good deal for that trip we talked about” . He’s also sounded literally like a parent once before by calling up on a day we had tickets for a show that evening and asked if I could be released a bit early! I quite literally smacked him round the head for that in embarrassment, my Head thankfully found it absolutely hilarious because her parents apparently did similar things in her life.

He also complains that I don’t understand just how busy he is! Hell complain that he’s shattered and when I ask what he’s doing he starts with “well I’ve got badminton tonight then tomorrow I’m meeting Mark for lunch and I’m meeting Steve for lunch on Friday and I’ve got to fit a food shop in and post a birthday card”. It does make me chuckle bless him.

Wrongkindofovercoat · 13/02/2022 20:55

My parents really struggle with the idea that I will have to work until I am 67, they both retired in their early 50's from public sector jobs with pretty good pensions, and assume that I will be able to do the same and think I am lying or mistaken when I say I won't.

GirlOfTudor · 13/02/2022 20:55

I'm glad it's not just my family! The worst time my dad did this was when I called him to see if he could help with an emergency situation I was in on the way to work. He proceeded to chat about himself for the next 30 minutes. I was furious!

Mary46 · 13/02/2022 20:59

I call to my mam on Friday. If I dont leave by set time the schools are out. As others say they have no time constraints in their day

FrauleinF · 13/02/2022 21:04

Teacher here. My retired Dad knows not to call me during school hours, though he might occasionally forget i sometimes have a meeting after school. We generally catch up once or twice a week. All good.

81 year old MIL calls DH pretty much every single day during office hours for a random chat. He is WFH now, so it's less of an issue, but she was exactly the same when he was in the office in London 4 out of 5 days a week. I'm not sure whether she just doesn't listen to him telling her he's working, doesn't care, or has forgotten what a weekend is as she's not worked in an office-hours job since before DH was born. I remember once overhearing her asking DH whether it was a Saturday. Reader, it was a Tuesday...

waitingpatientlyforspring · 13/02/2022 21:05

Oh my mil doesn't get working at all. She gave up work when she had DH except for a few cleaning jobs but she worked for the same people as her mum who were basically friends so if she needed time off or kids were ill she could take them with her, skip it or go another day. She only worked a few hours a week and did all the housework and cooking.

She can't grasp that we both work full time. I particularly work long hours and really don't have the time or energy after a 9/10 hour day to drive 10/20 mins to her house to take her shopping, wait while she shops, take her home then drive the 10/20 mins depending in traffic. Then go home and have to cook or eat and clean up if dh has cooked.

Covid was a god send in this respect as it stopped this habit and it's not restarted 😂

When kids were young they would refuse to look after them if ill, even if they are not contagious (dd used to get ear infections, nothing they could catch) as 'a cold could kill fil' which was hard to work around our jobs. It was particularly annoying to see mil not following covid rules as covid could actually kill fil but she wasn't bothered by that 🙄

FrenchBoule · 13/02/2022 21:08

Not just elderly relatives.
I’m working the nightshifts only and I often hear from people of all ages how fantastic I have it to have a whole day to myself. MIL once remarked what a fab weather it was one day and was surprised I had 5 hours in bed (my average sleep). 5 hours of good weather wasted

CheesecakeAddict · 13/02/2022 21:09

My grandparents retired in their 50s and are now in their 70s and have definitely forgotten. They get really stroppy with me if I don't visit them frequently (every week) but I rarely get home till DDs bedtime and I have 3 jobs so my weekends are all tied up too. Then they randomly pop by for a cup of coffee and wonder why no one is in 😒

nanbread · 13/02/2022 21:11

My PIL seem to think that because I am female I run the household and am responsible for all cleaning, child-related admin, activities etc - despite working too...

SirChenjins · 13/02/2022 21:20

My MIL told me that I set the tone for the whole family - and it’s my responsibility to be happy for their sake. DH is the head of the household apparently.

She’s 91 in a few weeks so I’ll cut her some slack, but it does grind my gears.

Kite22 · 13/02/2022 21:23

It's about selfish, thoughtless attitudes, not age.

This ^ 100%

10.7% of those aged 65+ are in employment

Yes, but that is counting everyone in their 70s, 80s, 90s, and those over 100 I presume. Also including all those who are either physically and mentally incapable. It is an irrelevant figure for this discussion.

There seem to be an awful lot of older women who have never worked and seemingly don’t understand that younger women who do don’t seem to have any time to look after them, ferry them around etc.

I think some people have got their timelines confused here. OP is talking about a man in his 60s. I am close to 60 and have worked outside the home all my life, as has virtually everyone I know. My Mum would be in her 90s if she were still with us. She too worked outside the home virtually all her life, as did so many of her friends. My Grandmother (and we are now talking about someone born in the 19th Century lived on a farm most of her life, where it was all hands on deck so technically didn't go out to work but did work more than just 'keeping house'.
The idea that only people in their 20s or 30s have ever worked outside the home once married is quite frankly just not true.