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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if your older relatives don’t ‘get’ that you work?

258 replies

Knityourownyoghurt · 13/02/2022 18:21

My dad is in his 60s, has been retired for 10 years & before that was his own boss. However he seems to have totally forgotten what full time work is like. He phones mid afternoon on weekdays expecting a chat and doesn’t ‘get’ that I don’t have half an hour to natter.

MIL, who worked sporadically but never full time and not for many years after having children, offered to look after DD one day a week as she thinks full time nursery is ‘too much for little ones’. When we explained she would have to 100% commit to that day, she seemed confused, and said if something popped up and she couldn’t have DD we would just have to take the day off Hmm

Is this a ‘thing’ or just my relatives?!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 15/02/2022 12:32

@echt

Haven't we just had a thread about this a couple of months ago?

It's about selfish, thoughtless attitudes, not age.

Exactly. The only person I knew who did this was a friend temporarily a SAHM who was 20 years my junior. She didn't seem to realise that offender management and assertive outreach wasn't the sort of job where you could have a chat on the phone.

I'm now self employed working from home most of the time and not free to chat at random times on the phone.

thevassal · 15/02/2022 15:10

@Madamum18

I am an "retired relative" and I DO NOT think like that! We are not an amorphous mass you know!!
Yes? Which is why OP ASKED if YOUR older relatives don't understand that YOU work," rather than STATING that ALL older relatives don't understand. You're taking offence at something nobody has actually said.

If someone posted "wow, weather is horrible here in Devon today, what's it like where you are?" would you kick off "It's not raining at all with me we don't all live in England you know!"

SilverGlitterBaubles · 15/02/2022 15:25

MIL assumes that because I work part time in an office it is like some sort of typing pool and is something I do for pin money and choice rather than a necessity.

3Daddy31982 · 15/02/2022 15:35

Goodb1

pavlovarules · 15/02/2022 23:16

Not just older relatives! My DB lives about an hour's drive away, my DM is 10 mins from me. Last summer, DM asked DB if he would help her with some jobs around the house which he said he would. Next thing is I get a call from DB asking if he could drop his kids at mine to play with my DC while he helped DM out. I said it was fine as luckily I had that day off work (I work p/t from home), he seemed bemused that he wouldn't have been able to leave his DC with me had I been working until I asked him if he would happily supervise 4 kids whilst he was working - he also wfh. Penny slightly dropped.
And he was bringing his DC as his DP (who does not work) had asked if he could so she could have a break as she'd had to take them out and about all through the school holiday. Much like I had with my own DC as well as juggle working!

figuringoutmylife · 16/02/2022 03:23

This is 100% a thing. Despite the fact I was brought up by full time working parents, there is little understanding that I can't drop everything and have phone calls at 10 am, 1 pm, 3 pm etc. I also have to remind them not only do I work FT but I also have several dc to care for!

Catscatsandmorecats · 16/02/2022 04:48

Dad: hello cats, are you working today?
Me: yes Dad, I work every day, is it something urgent?
Dad: I'll be quick, I'm just thinking about summer 2023, do you know what you are doing yet?

Spoiler, these calls are never quick and even more hilarious as I'm short term contract based (although never out of work) so I may not know what I'm doing next week, let alone next year 😁

Mil is also bad for this, yet she won't ring DH as he has a 'proper' job. She will always ring him at kids bath/bedtime because in the hour we have to feed and get them to bed after work he has a lot of time for lengthy chats and of course only I will be dealing with the children 🙄. She also cannot understand if I sometimes have to work a bank holiday or a weekend. But you know, my SIL and BIL have to but that is ok because they are DOCTORS. My job is high pressure and I'm paid nicely but because it's not a traditional prestigious profession I clearly don't actually do proper work.

I've had it from younger people too and other mums are sometimes the worst. Even someone I work with comments on how late the kids eat (hers wouldn't cope until then) she has a different family setup, we don't have a choice. When I am working, I am working!!

Interestingly the phrase 'working outside of the home' mostly used in connection to women I think doesn't help, it has become antiquated and underlines prejudices. for example both DH and I have WFH for a long time, years before covid hit, yet as a woman in the home some people assume I do all the household and kid stuff whilst I'm working, or that my work isn't important and I can just drop it to do washing for an afternoon. Fortunately I have a decent DH and we share things that need to be done and do them when we're not working.

Basically yes OP - it drives me mad! 🤣

CarrieBlue · 16/02/2022 05:35

DH and I are both teachers. DM doesn’t understand that we work all evening until at least 10pm, so calling for a chat means we work even later. She doesn’t understand that nothing happens in terms of decorating/gardening/dentist/doctor etc if it isn’t holidays. She doesn’t understand that half terms are a wipeout with catching up on sleep. She totally doesn’t understand how expensive holidays away are for us - four people going away is significantly more expensive than one. She doesn’t understand not having much money - she retired at 55, lives comfortably on the considerable pensions left by my DD in a large, detached 4-bed and can pretty much do as she likes. We don’t.

ILs didn’t get teaching doesn’t finish at 3.30 until they looked after the DC when they were little and we struggled to collect them by their (ILs) teatime of 6pm. Now they do!

CarrieBlue · 16/02/2022 05:37

*DF not DD with pensions!

garlictwist · 16/02/2022 05:54

My parents are the opposite. If I work from home I quite often start at 6am and finish early afternoon (I am able to be flexible). They are retired and live round the corner. Sometimes I'll text and see if they're about for a coffee in the afternoon and they'll always reply "shouldn't you be working?!".

PlugUgly1980 · 16/02/2022 06:02

Definitely, even worse with WFH. They just expect to be able to pop over whenever they feel like it, never mind the fact that I might be on a call or busy. I've just started saying no, and reiterating I'm working. Same when I was in the office, they'd announce they're having a day out and want to meet for lunch...lovely idea but I don't get a set lunch break it's flexible around my diary and dropping it on me that morning doesn't help. They're retired now and spend their life telling me how busy they are, so can't commit to helping with the kids (which is fine we don't expect it), but then moan in equal measure that we never ask them to have them or feel put out that they see other grandparents every week as they do commit a days childcare religiously for us.

converseandjeans · 16/02/2022 06:44

In my parents age group (75-80) lots retired at 55. They then may have done bits of work but nothing strenuous. It seems really young to retire.

I think currently we work more and longer hours. It's harder to switch off with laptops, work emails on phones, Teams calls.

converseandjeans · 16/02/2022 06:47

Also lots of older women may have worked but usually part time & not in a professional career. So not working such long days.

Luhou · 16/02/2022 07:20

Deffinetely a thing....

I'm going for a marketing position 3 days a week. These are the responses I've had from family.

"Will she like nursery?" (Said very negative)
"Well DH's name will still be the bread winner"
"Does she even need to work" (no but not the point)
"Is it a receptionist role?" (No disrespect to receptionists, but it's not an area I have ever even worked in)

BobbinHood · 16/02/2022 07:27

Mine weren’t like this when I worked in the office but they seem to not see wfh as “real”. DF is 68 and only retired 2 years ago, just before the start of the pandemic, so I’m not even sure it’s related to how long ago they last worked as he’s just as bad as DM who has been retired for 15 years.

lollipoprainbow · 16/02/2022 07:40

How lucky are you all to still have your parents bothering you, I wish I did.

BlondeDogLady · 16/02/2022 08:06

I'm self employed and WFH. My Dad (80) calls me every single day for a chat. I've told him repeatedly that I can't talk in the morning. He still calls in the morning. He has recently discovered how to video call on Whatsapp, which of course does not go to Voicemail if I'm busy. He doesn't hang up! Yesterday he let it ring it for FIVE FULL minutes. When I called him back half an hour later, he asked me why I hadn't answered his call, and asked "was it because I was having a nap?". It was 2pm. Confused. NO DAD, IT WAS BECAUSE I AM WORKING.

Scianel · 16/02/2022 08:15

How lucky are you all to still have your parents bothering you, I wish I did

No thread complaining about parents would be complete without this gem.

AlDanvers · 16/02/2022 08:19

@lollipoprainbow

How lucky are you all to still have your parents bothering you, I wish I did.
There's just no need.

My mum died 11 weeks ago. What does that have to do with relatives displaying annoying habits?

My mum did this, it pissed me off. I now miss it and my phone seems ridiculous quiet and I would kill for her to be here doing it again.

Its still really OK, for it to wind people up. It winds me up when my dad does it, even now, even though i know i will miss it when I lose him. People don't have to be grateful for every slightly annoying treat their parents display, because some of us dont have one or both of our parents.

lollipoprainbow · 16/02/2022 08:19

@Scianel guess you still have both your parents ??

Scianel · 16/02/2022 08:23

@lollipoprainbow no both dead and yes I did love them but come on, living relatives do each other's heads in sometimes, it's perfectly normal.

Blueuggboots · 16/02/2022 08:24

Yep, my mum is a nightmare. Goes on about how terribly busy her life is and how she struggles.....she goes to church, out for coffee, sees friends etc....
Meanwhile...

AlDanvers · 16/02/2022 08:26

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Scianel guess you still have both your parents ?? [/quote]
So yiu have never posted a moan about a dh or dp. Or you child/ren or anyone? You never get a bit irritated or feel let down by someone. Because someone here will have lost that person?

Posters here have lost their children, their boyfriends, their partners, their husbands etc does that mean you should never post about irritations about your child or boyfried/partner/dh?

astoundedgoat · 16/02/2022 08:37

I'm freelance and my Dad is AMAZED that I work. Every single time. If I come out for lunch with him and then have to go back to work, or be home to let my younger child in he is stunned and disappointed.

Disfordragon · 16/02/2022 08:44

Totally!
My mum told me recently she was more busy than me!!!! She hasn’t worked in 25 years, lives in a mortgage free house and has a comfortable pension. I pointed out that even without the DH and DC I’d still have to work to pay to live, anything that makes her busy is a choice.
She’s also told me from the start that I should be a SAHM. We can afford for me not to work, but I always have. I don’t know why she invested so much in my education if her long term plan was that I never use it.