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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if your older relatives don’t ‘get’ that you work?

258 replies

Knityourownyoghurt · 13/02/2022 18:21

My dad is in his 60s, has been retired for 10 years & before that was his own boss. However he seems to have totally forgotten what full time work is like. He phones mid afternoon on weekdays expecting a chat and doesn’t ‘get’ that I don’t have half an hour to natter.

MIL, who worked sporadically but never full time and not for many years after having children, offered to look after DD one day a week as she thinks full time nursery is ‘too much for little ones’. When we explained she would have to 100% commit to that day, she seemed confused, and said if something popped up and she couldn’t have DD we would just have to take the day off Hmm

Is this a ‘thing’ or just my relatives?!

OP posts:
covilha · 13/02/2022 19:28

Oh OP, I could have written this post😂 Definitely a thing, I’m afraid

LoannaJumley · 13/02/2022 19:29

Both my DPs retired at 50 so they've spent years leisurely swanning around.

I'm in my 50s as in DH and they seem miffed we haven't retired, we just don't want to. They have learned to respect boundaries though that we both work full time in demanding jobs.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2022 19:30

MIL didn't work but got it. FIL not only doesn't get it but also thinks he can direct it. When I had DD he thought his opinion that I should SAH was something I'd consider. Firstly, my job is actually more vital than DH's. Second, we need money to buy things. Third, WTAF?

Whattochoosenow · 13/02/2022 19:31

Yes my parents seem genuinely surprised I have to work between Christmas and New Year.
We have the same surprised conversation every year.

Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2022 19:31

My mum asks me if I am working that day,every single time she calls Monday to Friday

camelfinger · 13/02/2022 19:32

Definitely a thing. My parents used to hate working and moan loads, and assume that because I like my job it’s because it’s a total doss. They think that WFH means not doing any work and means I can chat anytime. They assume that my employer should be understanding of any situation that I face, especially childcare, even though they would have had no such concessions when they were working. And they call me at 7 - although I’ve finished work it’s the time when I’m really busy with the kids. They would happily chat for hours in the phone - I used to get a bollocking for spending ages on the phone when I lived with them (even when it was free). They expect me to have loads of time off at Christmas - I could, as I get quite a lot of annual leave, but prefer to take it when it’s warmer and there’s more to do.
If I’m in any way sympathetic to my employer they just can’t compute that - they assume that we’re pitted against each other and that “they” are working me too hard, when I actually have quite a lot of autonomy. I guess much must have changed!

Onionpatch · 13/02/2022 19:34

Both my parents did shift work for 40 odd years. They dont get the rythmn of a 9-5 , weekday office job. They often suggest I swap days with someone to attend some event, they also think i might get overtime.
They seem constantly surprised i work the same pattern each week as there life was not like that.

Xmasbaby11 · 13/02/2022 19:34

Mine are the same! Tbf they are in their 80s and dm retired nearly 30 years ago. The other day at our house she asked where I sat after lunch. I was like, at my work desk!

Larryyourwaiter · 13/02/2022 19:38

My mate has recently moved home. Her dad is constantly popping by whilst she WFH. It’s driving her potty.

In laws didn’t understand school holidays aren’t exactly the same everywhere (esp between Scotland and England). If we said we couldn’t come to something because we had no AL leave they said we should just ask work for more!

cptartapp · 13/02/2022 19:40

PIL are like this, particularly MIL who hasn't worked a day in over fifty years. They also think work finishes at 5pm on the dot. If FIL calls past 5 wanting to speak to DH and I explain he's not yet home he's completely horrified. Last time it was 'well what about his tea?!'

Littlebutload · 13/02/2022 19:41

My parents will phone me during work time because sometimes I can answer no problem, but they do get it if I say I can't talk or have to go or whatever. My inlaws like to ring DH just after we've put DS to bed, had food and finally got our bums on the sofa to relax. He hates it and rarely answers as the calls are long and boring and he just wants to relax at that point not talk about random people!

DramaAlpaca · 13/02/2022 19:41

I can't win. My mother can't understand why I work at all because she was a SAHM most of her life. She just doesn't get that I like to work and that my job is important to me. My father can't understand why DH and I haven't retired yet, no matter how often we tell him that we aren't ready to. Just because he retired when he was younger than DH and I are doesn't mean we want to do the same.

BulletTrain · 13/02/2022 19:41

It's not just relatives. Every August, the shops start advertising a "back to work wardrobe". Back from where? I don't take any leave in the school holidays. Everywhere is busy.

Mine are generally ok, but MiL will text DH and then me if he doesn't answer, at 2pm, on a Wednesday, saying "I don't expect an answer as you're working". Logic?!

Crimesean · 13/02/2022 19:42

@RoseAndRose

It's just your family.

Most 60yo are still working and would not consider themselves elderly.

Statistically less than half of maie 60 year olds are working, and less than a third of females.

That said, there's a huge spectrum. My parents retired at 65 and are in excellent health, have a far better social life than we do, are active grandparents, and are travelling the nicer bits of the world bit by bit.

On the flip side, I know people the same age (late 60s) who are properly "old" - can barely manage their own shopping, the Internet is an enigma, and they are suspicious of anything online.

There's all sorts.

Kite22 · 13/02/2022 19:43

Not my experience.
A lot of people are still working in their 60s.
I do think there are people who still struggle with the concept of people wfh.
I also think that there are q a lot of people who assume you wouldn't answer your phone if you aren't available.

FuzzyPuffling · 13/02/2022 19:43

What??

I am in my early 60s and have worked all my life (and had children|). My mum (who would have been 100 soon if she was still alive) also worked at a profession all her life too.

A certain type of person might not get that you work, but it's not down to age!

Noseylittlemoo · 13/02/2022 19:45

My great uncle is 91. He does grasp that I work but because he knows that some of my shifts end at 8pm he decides to call for a chit chat at 10 or 10.15pm when I'm winding down and thinking about bed! And it's never a 10 min call - always 45 min to 1h - he has some deal with BT that you can talk for up to an hour for free so I think he likes to get his value for money!!
One of his friends is a night time security guard and she once called him at 7pm - presumably after having dinner with her family and before her shift started. He was very put out as it was interuppting the Archers!
Today we were meeting up for a family dinner. I was at an event on the morning and found that I had 3 missed calls and 2 answer phone messages saying he urgently needed to speak to me. When we met there was no urgent message . The person who was due to travel to the restaurant with him had been delayed on public transport and he had to get a cab on his own - I think that was likely to be the info on the 'urgent ' message

Shutupandcry · 13/02/2022 19:47

I wfh sometimes and have to go in sometimes. We have local friends who treat I wfh as if I’m off and it drives me insane. ‘Can you just pop in and let the cleaner in as they have forgotten their key’ ‘could you just wait in between 10-11 for a package for us’ etc. NO I AM WORKING. Aaaaargh!!!

BoodleBug51 · 13/02/2022 19:47

My DF rings me nearly every evening - either just as I'm walking in the door, or just at the moment when I've sat down for the first time that day Hmm

He nearly always says "i've been trying you all afternoon" and then proceeds to tell me how busy my sister is at work...... I'm NC with my "golden child" sister, she potters around running a business that makes in a year what my own business makes in a month that I work incredibly hard for. And help him out financially from. I have to bite my tongue every single time. There are evenings when I just can't deal with it and unplug the phone Blush

LightfoldEngines · 13/02/2022 19:50

My Grandparents are late 70s and they do get it - they’re actually baffled as to how I manage to work FT and raise 3 children alone.

My mother, however, thinks I’m a selfish monster Hmm Soz, I’m not happy to be a SAHM, and half of that is because by the time I was 30, she was on her third marriage, has never worked a day in her life and totally reliant on men or the benefits system.

Monopolyiscrap · 13/02/2022 19:51

I think this is more to do with personality. Some of our relatives can't get their hound around that even though my sister is self-employed and working from home, that does not mean she can do anything she wants at any time of the day. They just think, you haven't got a boss, what is the issue?
Some people are terrible at seeing life from someone else's viewpoint.

TinaWeymouthsBass · 13/02/2022 19:51

Oh it's definitely a thing for my dad, he's 78 and retired years ago, he'll text me at random times during the day and if I don't reply immediately he'll keep texting....
Are you there?
Are you there?
Are you there?
It was quite funny the first time......

Hornicorn · 13/02/2022 19:53

Definitely a thing! I was telling my dad the other day that I was still looking for a nursery for our daughter in the new area we are moving too. I said the closest one only goes on until 3pm which will be no use because we finish work at 5pm (we both WFH).

He then started ranting to me about why couldn’t my daughter be at home with us for two hours while we work and I said well… I’m actually expected to work! People book meetings with me, they call me, and I also am so busy that I actually need the time to do my work. He got really angry and said “They actually expect you to be at your desk and do work all day?! That’s ridiculous…You better look for a new job then!”. I was flabbergasted!

Monopolyiscrap · 13/02/2022 19:53

@Crimesean that shocks me. Although I do know plenty of people at that age with ill health or disability not working. But the number of people over 60 working is rising.

OfstedOffred · 13/02/2022 19:55

Yanbu. My mother will express confusion that I don't have hours and hours to spend doing things like wandering round the shops for clothes for myself etc. I work full time and have two young kids, weekends are quite busy with sports clubs and socialising and it's the only family time we get.