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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if your older relatives don’t ‘get’ that you work?

258 replies

Knityourownyoghurt · 13/02/2022 18:21

My dad is in his 60s, has been retired for 10 years & before that was his own boss. However he seems to have totally forgotten what full time work is like. He phones mid afternoon on weekdays expecting a chat and doesn’t ‘get’ that I don’t have half an hour to natter.

MIL, who worked sporadically but never full time and not for many years after having children, offered to look after DD one day a week as she thinks full time nursery is ‘too much for little ones’. When we explained she would have to 100% commit to that day, she seemed confused, and said if something popped up and she couldn’t have DD we would just have to take the day off Hmm

Is this a ‘thing’ or just my relatives?!

OP posts:
Rosebel · 13/02/2022 19:55

Not really had this. Although MIL has a tendancy to assume everyone works Monday to Friday. She always thinks we're free on Saturday no matter how many times I tell her I'm working and have the car so DH can't just pop round and do x y and z . If he does she's always baffled that he has the kids because can't I just take some time off to look after them
Not sure my boss would be too happy about that.

Mellowyellow222 · 13/02/2022 19:55

Defiantly a thing. And it’s got worse since working from home.

My mum makes dark comments about how I won’t let them visit during the week as if I am being awkward. I work 14 hour days - I have back to back meetings. I can’t just stop a board meeting because they have called in for coffee!

I have two friends whose mother or mother in law actually stopped talking to them because they didn’t answer the door when they visited!

Funnily enough few of my male colleagues have these issues

Oesro · 13/02/2022 19:55

My in laws worked in professional environments and would never interrupt the working day (dfil will open the front door and drop things off though).

My dad was self employed and mum a SAHM.

During lockdown she really couldn’t grasp that we were working from home and looking after a child at the same time. She shouted at me for not calling her one night (I was exhausted and fell asleep putting DS to sleep). She kept saying my brother was furloughed too and He called a few times a day. I kept trying to explain that furlough and working from home are completely different things. She would go on about how hard it was for DB and DSIL having to be stuck homeschooling all day. Oblivious to DH and I both homeschooling a 5 year old working full time.

She also thinks I’m lazy for having a cleaner as DSIL doesn’t have one (DSIL works half the hours I do, and has lots of family support with babysitting etc )

Ffsmakeitstop · 13/02/2022 19:55

My DH can be a bit like that. Our DD still lives at home, is hoping to move out this year. But she is WFH in her bedroom and sometimes if we are expecting a delivery and I am working not at home and he wants to be in his workshop he will say "oh it's ok DD can answer the door" I have to explain really slowly "no she can't because she's working" really pisses me off especially when any deliveries are for him. Just be available your time is your own.

StoneofDestiny · 13/02/2022 19:57

My MIL never worked and has never quite understood I worked full time at the top of my field. Her sympathy about their exhaustion etc was always for the working men in the family. Not in a bad way - she just didn't get it.

SonicStars · 13/02/2022 19:59

My Dad will just turn up at my place of work. Luckily I'm the boss so I don't get into trouble. It is embarrassing though and I'm always super busy - you know because I'm the boss and so don't have any time for a chat about who he saw on his morning walk.

He's my dad though and so I can snap at him about it and we still love each other. I don't know what I'd do if it were my in laws.

ShadowPuppets · 13/02/2022 20:00

Yes! My MIL has been sniffy with me this week because I didn’t pick up her call.

She called at 11am on Tuesday, to ask what DH wants for his birthday.

DH’s birthday is in April, and I was running an international conference call when she rang. I didn’t call back until Wednesday morning on my way to work, because I was at a conference all afternoon and didn’t get in until 9 that day.

Fwiw I have no idea what she should get for DH for his birthday as I haven’t even thought about it myself at this point Grin

BulletTrain · 13/02/2022 20:01

One of the things I find odd is that some of my relatives in their 60s will comment about how things were "in their day" and I'm like... your "day", as a working parent, was the 1990s. Not the 1950s.

MissMinutes24 · 13/02/2022 20:04

My friends on maternity leave did this too

BashfulClam · 13/02/2022 20:04

My mother worked part time, mil very part time. They don’t understand we work and aren’t just waiting on them calling. Mil always calls at dinner time and if the phone isn’t answered she rings continually until it is. Even DH saying his dinner is ready doesn’t deter her so he sits there trying to get her off the phone as his dinner gets cold. We have told her not to call until later but she still dies it. She so thinks we can drop everything off her as she has never learned to drive. So she wanted DH to take her for her vaccine, he was in the first week if his new job and training at that time, or to the doctors, to go to some random junk shop. She had a crying tantrum when he told her he couldn’t take her for her vaccine on a Tuesday morning 😞. She is able bodied, has a free bus pass and the bus stop is just along the road. The vaccination centre was 2 stops away (she in manipulative but that’s another story).

My mum complains she has insomnia, so do
I buy the difference is I have a full day at work the following day…she is fully retired.

Fredstheteds · 13/02/2022 20:06

The shall we go see the ducks very loudly when I was online teaching .... thank you mother....

Monopolyiscrap · 13/02/2022 20:07

Health is the leading reason for people aged 50-64 to be out of work.

ageing-better.org.uk/work-state-ageing-2020

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/02/2022 20:09

Friends who are FTMs do this. I think it’s partly they’ve forgotten and partly desperate for grown up chat.

OneMoreForExtra · 13/02/2022 20:09

My DM gets that I work and would never dream of interrupting me. But she is consistently horrified that I pick the kids up from the after school club at 6. It's so late for them! Yes, but roaming the streets for 2.5 hours till I finish work wouldn't be ideal either.

MIL thinks the fact that most people don't leave their place of employment to come back home for a full cooked lunch before going back for the afternoon's work reflects a lack of family values

woodhill · 13/02/2022 20:09

Do they not text, dm and mil do this.,they like to chat as well

saraclara · 13/02/2022 20:13

I'm an 'older' relative, and very aware that my kids work. It's a bit harder with my youngest though, as she works three long days a week. Her shifts tend to be roughly the same days, but yes, occasionally I'll message her or try to arrange something, only to find that she's working different days.

Mary46 · 13/02/2022 20:13

Their day is their own.. if I dont answer my mobile the landline starts. They get selfish. She got in a mood before as I didnt ring. My dd had apt after school. Sigh

woodhill · 13/02/2022 20:14

@Mary46

Their day is their own.. if I dont answer my mobile the landline starts. They get selfish. She got in a mood before as I didnt ring. My dd had apt after school. Sigh
Why do you put up with it?
echt · 13/02/2022 20:18

Haven't we just had a thread about this a couple of months ago?

It's about selfish, thoughtless attitudes, not age.

Blueroses99 · 13/02/2022 20:19

@GettingThemFromHereToThere

Isn't your MIL right though?

I mean, no one person can 100% commit. She may have a day when she's feeling ill. Or has an important medical appt. So it would definitely be reasonable to expect you to need to take annual leave sometimes.

Also loads of people I know work full time and can have 20 minutes for a chat, especially now working from home. I chat with my partner during working hours quite a bit.

YABU on that basis.

You’re right that 100% is probably impossible due to illness and emergencies, but I suspect that MIL and OP will have different ideas as to what ‘something popping up’ actually means. If MIL wants to meet a friend for lunch/pop into the shops/do something that could easily be done another day of the week, it’s going to make things difficult for OP and her DH as they can’t rely on her. Nursery would be much better in this case.

My parents did look after my DD regularly but I also had her in nursery so I could increase her hours if my parents couldn’t have her. Illness wasn’t really an issue but they liked having 3 week holidays once or twice a year - but we could plan around these with nursery or annual leave. Being let down on a regular basis would have been very annoying.

balalake · 13/02/2022 20:22

My mum gets it, just has no idea about the world of work at all, as her employment after becoming a mum was not in an office. Once I began working from home in March 2020 my mum wondered how I found space for all the paperwork!

SarahAndQuack · 13/02/2022 20:23

My parents are 69 and 71, dad still works full time and mum very part time (as she always did), and they do understand to an extent. What they don't get is that returning to work if you've had time off with a baby or young child is hard. My mum seems confused that time out of work would have any negative impact on careers, so she is very pro not putting little ones in nursery, but also weirdly confused I can't immediately sail back into a job.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 13/02/2022 20:23

100% agree.

My mum calls me and DH throughout our working day despite being asked repeatedly not to. Has also just turned up unannounced.

Similar to OP. My MiL asked if she could sit our little ones one afternoon a week so I took them out of nursery for that afternoon. After she failed to turn up eleven times over 4 months I put them back into nursery. Absolutely no regard for the fact I had to work.

Tequilamockinbird · 13/02/2022 20:27

PILs are like this and it drives me mad. They're in their 70s and quite often ring mid-afternoon to say they're nearby so will call in for a cuppa and a chat. When I reply to say I'm working, they'll say 'but you're at home yeah?'

Yes I am at home, but I'm WORKING! I tell them this at least a couple of times a month. Why does it not sink in? Angry

KerryWeaver · 13/02/2022 20:27

@MissMarplesGoddaughter

I think it just your relations ...........

The retirement age is 66/67 but lots of people are working past that age with the recent fuel, heating, cost of living increases.

10.7% of those aged 65+ are in employment.
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