to ask if your older relatives don’t ‘get’ that you work?

[Knityourownyoghurt]

My dad is in his 60s, has been retired for 10 years & before that was his own boss. However he seems to have totally forgotten what full time work is like. He phones mid afternoon on weekdays expecting a chat and doesn’t ‘get’ that I don’t have half an hour to natter.

MIL, who worked sporadically but never full time and not for many years after having children, offered to look after DD one day a week as she thinks full time nursery is ‘too much for little ones’. When we explained she would have to 100% commit to that day, she seemed confused, and said if something popped up and she couldn’t have DD we would just have to take the day off

Is this a ‘thing’ or just my relatives?!

My mum and mil were awful for this, popping round during the day when I was wfh. I stopped answering the door.

Not just your family! My dad worked until well past retirement age but in relatively "cushy" jobs where he got flexi time for travelling to meetings etc and used to end up with so much annual leave he literally couldn't take it all or he'd never be in work. My mum didn't work until the kids were quite old (although she did a fair bit of voluntary work for clubs etc) and more recently volunteered one day a week in a charity shop (you'd have thought she was the CEO of a major department store the way she went on about it). They have literally no idea what it's like to work fulltime in a demanding job and run a household. I often get "oh, have you not done that yet?".......when do you think I'd have time to do it, I've been at work all week since you last asked me......
My mum is currently getting her knickers in a twist that my landline isn't working (she noticed last weekend when she tried to call me) and I didn't log it for an engineer visit until Thursday when I was working from home and actually in for long enough to go through the advised tests and log a call.

Very out of touch op yes. I had to explain temping I had set hours. I havent hours spare to talk. Even though my kids older still have dog to get out and housework. Then x died in the parish. Dont know the person. Its quite draining. 80s

My family are generally not too bad but I have a friend who left work about 8 years ago and she constantly calls in the middle of the day. I think because I work from home but I'm still working! I just don't answer now, I feel bad because she's not well but I need to work!

Parents in law were teachers and just assumed we all had the summer off. They would say about any house projects. Oh just get that done when you are off all summer,that's what we do. They couldn't relate to 2 weeks holiday that had to be scheduled. Both had always worked in teaching so didn't know any different.

Oh yes! DH and I both work full time, but I’m the one who gets all the texts and calls from mil during the day. And if she knows I’m working from home she thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to “just pop in for a minute” but wouldn’t dream of disturbing DH at work!
And don’t get me started on the conversation we had about how I get paid more than DH. Even though she knows what both our jobs are she was gobsmacked when she found that out.
Might be a mil issue rather than just her age though.

yes, even though they are both still working, albeit part time. It's more WFH they don't get tbh and that's probably my fault as I am very flexible with it, to the extent as you say they expect me to be able to dog/baby sit/chat for hours etc. Although tbf I had a friend who is a plumber who did some work for me that also did not get that I was actually working and that people on the call could see/hear him and I wasn't just locking myself away to avoid chatting to him.

The other thing they do since they went part time is they don't seem to get how precious my annual leave is. A few members of my family/friends work in schools so they try and plan things in the school holidays and I always say 'sorry I'm working,' and get 'but can't you get the day off?
a) not always as although my work are v flexible, if a lot of other people have already booked the whole week off months ago I can't just take a random day with little notice, and b) without being mean, well I could but tbh I don't want to waste a whole day of my precious leave meeting you for a coffee for an hour or wandering round the shops.

It's like they understand the benefit of not working in a school (can take leave at any time) but don't understand that it means I don't have anywhere as much leave as them so need to use it carefully!

My ex in laws could not grasp that I was the main earner in our house. When my exh left me, mil told me I should give up work as I’d “get more on benefits”. I’m a higher rate tax payer.. She didn’t recommend her son do that, of course. He had a proper man job.

My mother has just retired at 78, she's only worked very few hours in recent years but was still in paid work. She will still call me in the middle of the working day and be surprised I don't have time to discuss some tiny issue she's obsessing about or to order her something online because it's ok for me to pay online but she can't possibly put her bank details into a website because of fraud, she doesn't even want her name and address putting into the internet, how she thinks M&S deliver to her without her name and address remains a mystery.

It's nothing to do with age.

My mother is 70 and 100% gets it. She is super considerate and tries to help us and make life easier where she can.

My MIL just turned 60 and has NO COMPREHENSION of our daily pressures. At all.

She was very put out when DH finally stopped travelling up on weekends on a Friday 6.30pm train arriving at 11.30 and departing Sunday 6pm (she likes him to stay for Sunday dinner) meaning he arrived home at 11.30/midnight on a Sunday.
When we left Sunday midday she openly cried, jumped up and down and said it wasn't fair...

Despite NOT WORKING she finds that kind of trip to us unacceptable and arrives uninvited comes down Friday lunch despite knowing we don't finish until 7 and makes a nuisance of herself and then insists she got the ticket "confused" refuses to leave Sunday and departs Monday lunch time. Having bothered us all Monday morning while we try and work.

She get irritated we don't want to speak for 90 mins twice a week. My DH just announced he had a short call. I made him check his call log... its was 40 mins

She has no regard for the fact we work 60-70 hour weeks and often thinks we are rude 😅

Oh god OP it's not just your parents.

My mum (early 60s) randomly calls around and expects me to close the laptop / have a cuppa and a chat. I have to explain work are paying me to work and not to sit around chatting to her.

She called last Monday asking where I was as I hadn't answered the door. Luckily I was in the office

Oh yes, definitely a thing. And now I WFH, even more so. Calls for leisurely chats, suggestions of 'shall we come and see you at 2pm on Tuesday' and the like. Also completely agree that PIL's wouldn't dream of disturbing DH in the day because he's very busy in the day at his Important Job, but couldn't give a toss about calling me over trivia

My dad is like this. Extremely annoying

My family aren't like that, dad didn't retire until 70! However Dp's dm calls at 4pm and wonders why he's at work, she's also confused as to why he doesn't retire because he's in his 50's, life is different now!

My mum and dad both still work and for many years did shift working jobs and do have a reasonable understanding of a full time job not leaving much other time. However seen the ILs this weekend who were shocked at how little of the Winter Olympics me abs DH have watched in the past week MIL said it like we were letting the country down by not taking a few days off to watch the downhill skiing and ice dancing they both retired too young and I don't think it's done them any favours because they seem to have aged quicker by leaving the world of work.

Yep, it's a thing. I work shifts, and so might work Saturday and Sunday one week, but have Tuesday and Friday off for example. Been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years, and his parents still don't understand that I work at weekends. They sometimes facetime my boyfriend in the morning on weekdays, and if I have a day off I might still be in my dressing gown at say 9/10am, which to them is unheard of...on a Tuesday, the weekend is the only acceptable time to have a lazy morning. Never mind that I have to leave the house by 6.45am on Saturdays and Sundays to get to work for 7.30am!

Yes I know. See also inability to understand the meaning of working from home. Inlaws seemed to think it meant they could come and clutter up my sofa for an entire Wednesday talking shite and being waited on hand and foot. Fucking nightmare.

Oh god yes me.

I called my mum at 2.30pm and she was surprised I wasn't on my way to pick the kids up. Er, no, I work? Like, have a job??

WTAF.

They also cannot for the life of them understand how good wfh is. With two small kids. Saving on two hours per day commuting.

Not the work thing as both parents still work, but my mum seems to have forgotten how tying having babies/toddlers is! I've lost count how many times I've told her the kids have their nap in the afternoon, yet he still makes plans or just drops by mid afternoon! 🤷‍♀️

My mother's the same. She wouldn't dream of phoning my golden balls brother at any time - not even in the evenings. She just waits to hear from him and never complains even if he hasn't rung her for weeks on end. I however, get random daytime calls about all kinds of irrelevant nonsense whilst wfh in my very stressful time sensitive job. If only I had a gun......

My parents are teachers and have no concept of holidays.

They will just book weeks away in August and assume I can come. They expect me to be able to just get 2 weeks off at Christmas, its a massive disappointment to them if I only have one week. God forbid the Christmas days I have to work. They have invited me on about 5 holidays this year. They just assume I can be available during school holiday times, and won't run plans past me and then get disappointed when I'm not automatically available

They also say things like "leave it to the holidays' or they spring clean the first day of the holidays things like that. Also puzzled as to why I can't watch pointless everyday, maybe because its at 5.15 and I finish work at 6

She called last Monday asking where I was as I hadn't answered the door. Luckily I was in the office grin

^

score

Don't get me started on my time off. I get four weeks holiday a year. But they just think, oh take some time off. I can't I don't have the leave.

I am 62 & DH is 65 and neither of us would dream of calling our 3 DDs during their working day, unless it was an emergency

It's definitely a thing.

My parents both worked full time up to retirement age, but in the 10 years since they retired have totally forgotten about what working for a living means.

They both started calling me for a chat in the middle of the day when I started WFH, and I had to have a stern word to point out that I was actually working, and I did not want anyone to be calling me unless it was an emergency. My mum actually got huffy and offended when I bluntly said "I'm in the middle of a meeting, I don't have time to talk" when she called.