That my husband keeps money for himself

[MaryPoppinsChildminding]

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month.
We have four kids.
I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon.
We get about £400 a month in CTC.
So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop.
He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words).
He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away.
Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account.
This feels selfish to me.....
He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.
Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?

OP I think your DH is telling you a pack of lies and you are naively believing him. Nobody can earn that much in about a month.

Totally off topic but
He is teaching in school while drunk?

OP, I have 20 years’ experience as a teacher and have marked exams. I agree with all the other teachers who are telling you that it’s not possible to earn that sort of money marking national exam papers - they don’t pay enough per paper so he simply wouldn’t be given enough papers to mark to teach that sort of earning - not even in a core GCSE such as English Lang and lit where pretty much every pupil in the country is sitting four papers! So, I know that isn’t your question but I’d be wary of where the money is coming from when he’s a gambler.

Two, the fact he’s called you worthless is absolutely awful and he doesn’t deserve you for that alone.

Three, you are not at all unreasonable to want to know what his money is going on because you are a family. His desire to spend the bulk of it without any ‘accountability’ means he’s not willing to be honest and transparent. Why can’t he say what he’s going to buy? Why the secrecy? He’s coming at it from a defensive point of view. You’re right to question that.

He seems to be gambling or drinking vast quantities of the family money so he has no moral high ground here.

I hope he doesn't drive. Does he go into school drunk?

If I knew you in real life I would be raising safeguarding claims both in respect of your children and to the school/college he works at.

*reach, not teach

@Cocomelonearworm

£10k for exam marking sounds highly unlikely. Has he had a big gambling win that he's trying to hide from you?

Yes, I wondered if it was from a gambling win too.

The gambling addiction is the main issue here and you only included that as a throwaway comment at the end of your post. He needs to spend the money on therapy for his addiction.

@MaryPoppinsChildminding - if he really is drinking to that extent it must be awful for the kids. Please stop exposing them to that abs move out/ get him to move out. As I said on the other thread I grew up with a mentally ill mother and alcoholic father and both those things can have a profound impact on children.

As an adult, though, when I was with ex I would have been unhappy if I did extra work and wasn’t allowed any money to myself. I do sometimes go out drinking too (rarely but on occasion) and don’t think it’s unreasonable to spend “my” money on that. This is not the only issue with op and her family though- sounds like the money is the absolute least of the issues.

Please think of the kids and take them out of this toxic environment.

@Tsuni think alcohol addiction is also very important too.

@StaplesCorner

OP I don't understand why you have to go into all this either. People seem to think they can come on and just basically say you are lying about the amount he earns, your circumstances etc. It doesn't matter if he gets a tenner or £10,0000 - its family money. And as *@T00Ts* say above the real issue is you are married to an appalling piece of shit.

What can you do next? Post on Relationships or Divorce/Separation Boards, don't come back onto AIBU because the only unreasonable thing here is you think there might be a different answer. You have to have a long think about your life and your kids - that's your job now. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you can take control.

Thankyou. It's just really stressed me out that people seem to think I'm lying. I'm not lying about anything I've said. Whether it's believable are not, that's by the by because this is my life.

@Hankunamatata

Totally off topic but He is teaching in school while drunk?

No, he isn't drunk while working.

I don't think people are saying the OP is lying, they are worried her DH is lying to her. And if he is a gambling addict and an alcoholic I assume lying comes quite naturally to him

I'm wondering if he is making that kind of money taking tests for people or writing papers for people?

If he drinks all weekend and works on Monday it is quite likely that he is going into work drunk

Whilst he is working and doing extra marking, you too are working looking after 4 kids. I found it a full time job with 2, let alone 4.
You definitely have a say over if he does this. This is wrong on 2 levels. Financially, if he hands over £4800 straight away. This would certainly negate the CTC. However, what do you earn/gain for the hundreds of extra hours you'll have to put in looking after the kids. Can he not see that this is lose lose for the rest of you? It's incredibly selfish. He need to get help for his addictions. Otherwise, you really should try to leave.

Won’t you stop getting CTC once childminding anyway?

He's not earning that from marking exam papers. Unless he is accepting bribes.

However, he's earning this money i) it's not legit, because as lots of others have said, marking pays too poorly for those kinds of sums (I've never made more than a grand before tax!) and ii) he's likely to be doing a poor job of his main job as a result; and iii) the gambling and debts would probably be a sackable offence if his school knew -- most teaching contracts have a clause in about behaviour. His school also cannot be aware he's doing that volume of marking. It's essentially two full time jobs, that's not allowed.

Anyway, that's by the by, hope you can find a way out of this mess before HMRC or the school catch up with him!

He wants to gamble it away. I'd be enraged.

If he wasn't having a net negative effect on your household income, I would say "fair enough" for him to keep some of the money aside.

But he is.

AND he's a gambler.

So he's being very selfish and unfair, and YANBU.

No way can you earn 10k from marking exams

I have never earned this amount marking !

Contracts have been issued for this summer I think,I have mine already -it is very clear what amount will be paid.

Ask to see the contracts?!

What were the underlying causes of your teenage depression, anxiety and agoraphobia? Was it ever addressed?
From previous thread, it sounds as if you have always been vulnerable and that your lifelong abuser managed to capture you early.

I never understand why married people have separate bank accounts. Weird.

Honestly it sounds like it’s time to call it a day.

You say you’re training to be a CM so you’ll be able to cope financially and if you do all of the housework and childcare anyway then you’ll be fine living on your own.