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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my husband keeps money for himself

300 replies

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:00

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month.
We have four kids.
I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon.
We get about £400 a month in CTC.
So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop.
He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words).
He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away.
Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account.
This feels selfish to me.....
He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.
Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?

OP posts:
Tempusfudgeit · 12/02/2022 11:50

OP, you are an intelligent woman. Please use your critical thinking skills to look rationally at your husband's behaviour. It's not good. You have a choice, your children don't. Do it for them.

JudgeJ · 12/02/2022 11:52

@ByMyName

Completely unfair. All money that is earned for the household goes into joint account. Any money left over is saved 50/50.
But women are allowed to save their 'running away' money in many MN posts!
JudgeJ · 12/02/2022 11:53

@ellesbellesxxx

I used to do exam marking and never earned anything like this!!!

YANBU x

That was my first thought!
Frederica852 · 12/02/2022 11:55

@godmum56

I can never ever get people who have joint kids and not joint finances...I mean sure have personal bank accounts but this "what I have earned is mine" mindset......I mean what the actual fuck? and you have 4 kids with a man with an addiction problem?
Been with my partner now husband for almost 20 years and we don't have joint finances. We pay an equal amount into a joint account each month to cover the mortgage, bills and food shopping but our salaries go into our own accounts and we do our own thing with our personal wealth. I would never put my salary into a joint account. There's nobody you can trust more than you trust yourself
JudgeJ · 12/02/2022 11:55

@MaryPoppinsChildminding

About 6 different papers, he says....
I wouldn't have thought that possible if they're all in the same exam period! Years ago I marked SATs in May, moderated Coursework May/June then marked an exam paper Jun/July and it was totally exhausting, on top of the day job!
JudgeJ · 12/02/2022 11:57

@toomuchlaundry

But surely there is only a short window to do the marking. There certainly was when I did it
Three/four weeks, max, to meet the dealines.
WonderfulYou · 12/02/2022 12:00

I don’t think you can expect him to share any extra money when you haven’t earned anything in 11 years.

There’s also no way he got £10k from marking papers. It’s often a few hundred at the absolute max. It sounds like he’s winning money from gambling.

I’m also shocked your household income is £40K and you still receive £400 a month CTC.

Your biggest issue here is the fact that he’s a gambler and he’s obviously still doing it.

WonderfulYou · 12/02/2022 12:00

There seems to be a lot more threads about money over the past few days.

JudgeJ · 12/02/2022 12:01

@GeneLovesJezebel

Yes it’s unfair. You need to have any earnings of your own put straight into your own account, or LTB !
Ah, the MN hypocrisy, 'she' doesn't need to put her earnings into the family pot then!
FrankieBoyleSezLoveOneAnother · 12/02/2022 12:06

@Pinkandpink

I know this isn’t the point, but how do you get tax credits if your husband earns 40 grand a year? We get this combined and don’t qualify for anything except child benefit. I’m not being sneary but genuinely would like to know. Our mortgage is low about 320 pm
Snap, we are on this income jointly and get no tax credits, but we have only one child. HMRC's online tax credits calculator tells me that to get £400 p.c.m. OP's husband would need to be putting £400 p.c.m. into his pension. Good for him if he is managing to do this, but as the sole earner with 4 kids and a gambling problem to boot, I gotta confess I'm dubious...
lanthanum · 12/02/2022 12:07

Is that 10 grand net or gross? If that's before tax, and you lose the CTC, there won't be much gain.

MonicaGellerBing · 12/02/2022 12:08

My DH earns just over half of that a year and we get £300 a month CTC. Wtf

wildseas · 12/02/2022 12:19

I think he's trying to tell you that he has lost 10k of money which he didn't have and needs to earn 10k this summer marking papers to pay off the debt. I would guess that is the route cause of this conversation and not selfishness. In your position I would try guessing at a debt and see what he says.. . . .

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/02/2022 12:20

@toomuchlaundry - op doesn’t say he’s out drinking at all actually. Generally though it’s not unreasonable to spend some money on alcohol and gambling though, especially if it’s extra money he’s made on top of full time work. Particularly when op has never earned any money although her dh isn’t happy with that according to the other thread.

They do seem to have a toxic relationship though which is bad for the whole family abs I agree with pp the best thing would be to split.

If he really is earning 12k (especially after tax) on top of 40k though he will need to file a tax return and pay back some child benefit

CinnamonJellyBeans · 12/02/2022 12:23

He's screwing you and the kids financially whilst you're supposedly happily married. If you separate/divorce he will happily leave you in penury.

I also agree with PP who suggest that he's had a big win and is using his marking wages as a decoy.

AliceMcK · 12/02/2022 12:26

I've had no reason to believe he's not telling the truth on what he's earning.

He’s a drinking gambling addict…..

C’mon either others are right and this post is BS or you need to wake up and smell the roses. I havnt read your other posts but if what others have said is true you sound like you have your head buried in the sand and need help getting out of an abusive relationship.

crazyjinglist · 12/02/2022 12:27

Generally though it’s not unreasonable to spend some money on alcohol and gambling though, especially if it’s extra money he’s made on top of full time work. Particularly when op has never earned any money although her dh isn’t happy with that according to the other thread.

How on earth can anyone read these two threads and conclude that this is a mutually toxic relationship, and that it's fine for the OP's husband to 'spend some money on gambling and alcohol'? Confused I know you said 'It's generally fine to...', but nobody with any sense or reading comprehension skills could possibly think this applies to the OP's husband!

This man is an abusive, alcoholic gambling addict, who said he didn't want to be a father to his own children and screams vile abuse at his wife in public front of his children.

caringcarer · 12/02/2022 12:31

I was an exam marker for 20 years marking A Level papers and even marking 30 papers a day for 3 weeks never earned more than £2200. Does he realise there is a very tight marking window when all subjects have to be marked at same time. 2 weeks for GCSE and that.overlaps with 3 weeks for A Level. I doubt he will get more than £3000 even if marks both GCSE and A Level. Exam marking is barely above minimum wage, which is why I won't mark anymore.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 12:34

[quote CayrolBaaaskin]@toomuchlaundry - op doesn’t say he’s out drinking at all actually. Generally though it’s not unreasonable to spend some money on alcohol and gambling though, especially if it’s extra money he’s made on top of full time work. Particularly when op has never earned any money although her dh isn’t happy with that according to the other thread.

They do seem to have a toxic relationship though which is bad for the whole family abs I agree with pp the best thing would be to split.

If he really is earning 12k (especially after tax) on top of 40k though he will need to file a tax return and pay back some child benefit[/quote]
I'm not sure why I have to go into all of this as I only asked people's opinions on if him keeping his own money is unreasonable.
I haven't earned cash for 11 years. Our oldest is 14 so I worked beforehand. But not all work is paid work, and I work my arse off looking after our kids and home. He does nothing with the kids other than provide financially.
He goes out drinking, alot of the time. Some days from 10am.
Sometimes all weekend.
He drinks in the house from 11am when he's not at work.
However, he's been told he's very good at the marking and was given team leader. He's good at his job. I guess he's high functioning regardless of his issues.
The debt he paid off in 2019 was from gambling. He lost 20 grand of our money so its not abit of gambling with his hard earned cash.
He throws in my face that as I don't earn the cash, I have no say. I'm worthless and sit on my arse all day. So is he right then?
In 2019, he earned less than now. He earns about 38 grand now. I said 40 grand but its probably between 38-40 grand. I don't know exactly. The year he earned 12 grand it was less so definitely not more than 50 grand.
CTC are aware of all of the money he earns.

OP posts:
TeaRex49 · 12/02/2022 12:36

Presumably as your going back to work you’d have been loosing atleast some of the CTC anyway? I’d say I’d that’s what he wants then you arnt putting all of your earnings in the family pot either, that way you can safeguard yourself financially against his gambling.

Also if he earns 40k a year and then can earn 12k on top that’s clearly over 50k so I’d make sure you get him to cap how many he marks so he doesn’t earn over this money.

caringcarer · 12/02/2022 12:39

I don't understand how if your DH earns £40k plus examining money you can possibly get £400pcm CTC. Calculators say much less.

T00Ts · 12/02/2022 12:39

The OP’s other thread, which tells you us everything we need to know about this appalling piece of shit she’s married to.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a4459174-Marriage-advice?msgid=114407278#114407278

Please don’t put up with what this awful man does to you, just to stop him going to the OW. LEAVE.

He doesn’t care for his children, please don’t subject them to him.

He doesn’t care about you, please don’t subject yourself to him.

I can’t believe he’s a teacher.

OneFootintheRave · 12/02/2022 12:42

OP have you any idea how simple it is to forge and manipulate "paperwork"?

As part of my job I regularly review bank statements, wage slips, P60s etc. The amount of suspect docs is huge and there's no way you spot the really well done ones.

Your husband is a gambler and if he "paid off debts" before, if that's what really happened, that just tells him he can punt and get out of trouble again.

StaplesCorner · 12/02/2022 12:46

OP I don't understand why you have to go into all this either. People seem to think they can come on and just basically say you are lying about the amount he earns, your circumstances etc. It doesn't matter if he gets a tenner or £10,0000 - its family money. And as @T00Ts say above the real issue is you are married to an appalling piece of shit.

What can you do next? Post on Relationships or Divorce/Separation Boards, don't come back onto AIBU because the only unreasonable thing here is you think there might be a different answer. You have to have a long think about your life and your kids - that's your job now. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you can take control.

MischievousBiscuits · 12/02/2022 12:49

Yanbu
If there's money left over and he wants it for spends, it should be fairly distributed so you get spends too.