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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my husband keeps money for himself

300 replies

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:00

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month.
We have four kids.
I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon.
We get about £400 a month in CTC.
So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop.
He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words).
He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away.
Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account.
This feels selfish to me.....
He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.
Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?

OP posts:
borntobequiet · 12/02/2022 10:33

£10000 for marking exams? I don’t think so.

Merryoldgoat · 12/02/2022 10:37

I didn't know he had addictions before the kids

No but he neglected you and had at least emotional affairs prior to kids. You need to be honest with yourself OP.

It’s not about blame - it’s allowing yourself to see the actual truth, to truly see who he is and what you’ve ignored and making the changes to need to.

He’s never been a decent bloke to you and you’re blinded because of your own mental health issues.

Time to get better and get rid of him.

Jvg33 · 12/02/2022 10:38

Easy one this. He can't earn extra money until the kids are asleep. I'm a teacher and mark exams - he will be too tired. Weekends him solely marking is a no no as you aren't benefiting enough. If he refuses, go out the Sunday in the morning and leave him with the kids for ages. People shouldn't get married if they don't want to share.

LittleBearPad · 12/02/2022 10:38

You get £5,000 a year in Tax Credits when he earns £40k - really?
Confused

Phobiaphobic · 12/02/2022 10:39

@Shamoo

I can never believe it when I read posts like this. He’s a twat, and this is wholly unacceptable. To be honest, even if it wasn’t impact the CTC it would be unacceptable. Honestly, the only answer to this proposal from him is a hard no. And a clear line that if he persists you will have to consider your marriage. Because I absolutely could not be married to a man who had this attitude to his family.
This. Your family is a unit. It has been created from joint efforts. No one is entitled to act like any 'spoils' are just their spoils. Your husband can only earn that money because you are doing hidden work behind the scenes. It is not HIS money.

I honestly don't understand how people get themselves into this mindset in a marriage.

LittleBearPad · 12/02/2022 10:40

@Merryoldgoat

I didn't know he had addictions before the kids

No but he neglected you and had at least emotional affairs prior to kids. You need to be honest with yourself OP.

It’s not about blame - it’s allowing yourself to see the actual truth, to truly see who he is and what you’ve ignored and making the changes to need to.

He’s never been a decent bloke to you and you’re blinded because of your own mental health issues.

Time to get better and get rid of him.

This sounds right
Babyroobs · 12/02/2022 10:46

@Dinoboymama

Not only does him earning more affect the ctc but having savings means you have to declare them to once you get to 6k it starts taking money off your ctc.

In our family all money is family money we will buy things we need without asking each other ie clothes, golf stuff for my husband, gig tickets, birthday gifts but any thing big like holidays we both have to agree to before spending.

This is completely wrong. There is no savings limit with tax credits, you are thinking of Universal credit which is a totally different system.
Babyroobs · 12/02/2022 10:46

@LittleBearPad

You get £5,000 a year in Tax Credits when he earns £40k - really? Confused
With four kids yes this will be correct.
sst1234 · 12/02/2022 10:47

We all know that OP is the one at disadvantage here. We also know that there is nothing OP can do to stop her husband from spending that money however he wants. These threads are all too common and the solution is always the same. Women need to be financially independent and share the cost of childcare 50/50 even if not means that the other spouse has to pay for childcare for their half. There is no such thing as family money. Of course women would like there to be, but there isn’t. It’s only family money until both spouses agree it is. As soon as one has other ideas, the non-earner can do nothing about it.

crazyjinglist · 12/02/2022 10:48

Dear lord, I've just read your other thread, OP. This man is a monster. I do not understand how you can think he's got even a shred of decency in him after the things he's said and done to you.

This is who he is. He has proved that over years and years. If you can't leave him for your own sake, for goodness' sake do it for your dc, about whom he clearly doesn't give a shit either.

TheHuntingoftheSnark · 12/02/2022 10:55

@Mumtofourandnomore

I wondered too if he had debt and was desperately trying pay it back.
This. A hundred times this. And I wonder if her is estimating £10,000 because that’s what he thinks he’s going to win?
LadyEloise1 · 12/02/2022 10:55

Why are you still with this awful man ?
Please please please get support in real life from family, friends and professionals.
Those who love you will help you find your way out even if it feels like it's insurmountable.
You and your dear children deserve so much better.
Thanks

SiobhanSharpe · 12/02/2022 11:02

DH used to mark exam papers, A level, and it was bloody hard work. He'd mark until after midnight and sometimes get up very early as well.
Initially it was reasonably well paid ( 20+ years ago) but the exam boards got more and more parsimonious .
They weren't paid for meetings on mark schemes or adjustments and in the end he worked out the per hour pay was little more than minimum wage. For A level physics. He gave it up.

SiobhanSharpe · 12/02/2022 11:03

If he got anything like what OP's husband is claiming he gets he'd still be doing it!

blackdumpling · 12/02/2022 11:03

It sounds like people are not accusing you of lying!
They are insinuating (quite rightly) that your partner has bamboozled you
That this obsessive constant "marking" is a cover for something else
That this money has actually come from elsewhere
That he is doing something else on the computer brazenly in the same room
If teachers were able to earn 10K by buckling down & marking papers Then you'd hear about it as a way to make extra money
Teachers would be quitting actual school just to mark papers
The amount of money he is making sounds implausible to others who are also teachers
I'm wondering who is really in charge of the family finances/taxes
His "marking" sounds obsessive, compulsive & quite frankly suspicious

SleepingStandingUp · 12/02/2022 11:04

Imo if one bonus or wage rises causes a drop elsewhere, it has to be compensated. DH gets a payrise, I rightly receive less tax credits so he covers that loss from his wage rise. He's still (marginally) better off and I'm not worse off.

So 4 k for the holiday, 400 pm into the account that's at a loss, any extra money to outsource his family money whilst he's not working and if it's the correct op the rest on renovations

Benjispruce5 · 12/02/2022 11:10

Everything should be joint. Your job is childcare. I was a sahm for a few years and then as now, all our money goes into our joint account. We agreed an equal amount each that we transfer to our own private accounts for spending on what we want ‘no questions asked’ as your DH puts it.
The amount we have is equal and has increased over the years as we’ve earned more etc. DH earns significantly more than me but we still have the same amount as I do more at home as I’m term time and only work school hours.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 12/02/2022 11:12

He's never earned above 50 grand so not on child benefit..

He must be fairly close (and maybe even has?) if he's on about £40k and pulling in another 10-12k after tax?

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/02/2022 11:23

@sc215 - he doesn’t solely benefit. Some of the money from the extra work is for a family holiday and the rest for a treat for himself. Not unreasonable imo when he is doing such a huge amount of extra work.

I read the other thread and it sounds like op’s relationship is toxic and they need to split. However from my perspective (having been the higher earning female partner in such a relationship), op doesn’t work, has never worked but has struggled greatly with mental health. She must have needed a lot of support and with four kids and his bereavement I have some sympathy with her dh.

But ultimately it doesn’t matter - the relationship seems to be very unhappy and they should make a new start apart.

Aishah231 · 12/02/2022 11:24

There is no way he's earning that much from exam marking - even as team leader doing 6 papers. There is also no way he would be able to cope with doing 6 papers unless he is planning to mark so quickly he is effectively plucking a mark out of thin air. This would be a scandal. Imagine the students whose papers are 'marked' by this man. I've done three papers once as I was desperate for money. I was working part time at the time and it almost killed me.

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/02/2022 11:27

@Benjispruce5 - if her job is childcare, she is working part time at most as her children are at school. Her dh is taking on work on top of full time work.

Op does say on another thread that her dh is not happy with her not working so I can see why he objects to working all the time and having no money for himself.

Frederica852 · 12/02/2022 11:29

Why o why would you put your earnings into a joint account with someone who has a gambling issue?! For that alone you're being unreasonable!

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 11:29

@CayrolBaaaskin so is it ok he spends money on alcohol and gambling. Just as well OP is at home when he is out drinking

Tarne · 12/02/2022 11:35

Op you are going to want to stay in the family home in order to do child minding.

You don't believe your DH is lying to you because you have seen "paperwork" that he has shown you.

He has done a number on you and is messing with your mental health which is why you haven't questioned this. Or dare not put this into question.

HE IS LYING TO YOU TO SHUT YOU UP AND GASLIGHT YOU

You have no idea how much he got from his inheritance or what he is really up to with his ruse of marking, or what his gambling debts are.

Do you know if he has remortgaged your home? Whose name is it in? Has he forged your signature?

You need help to get to the bottom of what is going on. You also know that you cannot be a childminder of other people's children if you have a nasty, unpredictable alcoholic in the house.

You also need to know that as far as social services are concerned, child abuse is when they HEAR and SEE abusive behaviour in the home, they don't actually have to be the targets.

You have a lot to contend with and you seriously need to stop keeping his secret or believing his lies because he is a putting you all in a very vulnerable position which is going to get worse.

Please confide in someone ins RL if you can.

Good luck op, do it for your DC Flowers

Mewski · 12/02/2022 11:46

Maybe he won a lump sum gambling in 2019 and paid off debt...now he's back in debt again and trying to blag hoarding a chunk of money ...

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