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Original poster

That my husband keeps money for himself

300 replies

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:00

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month.
We have four kids.
I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon.
We get about £400 a month in CTC.
So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop.
He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words).
He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away.
Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account.
This feels selfish to me.....
He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.
Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?

OP posts:
Tillymintpolo · 12/02/2022 13:49

It’s not that people think you’re lying it’s that we’re pointing out massive holes in his story. Many of us have been examiners, I’ve marked for 3 different boards, what he’s telling you simply isn’t true.

HollowTalk · 12/02/2022 13:53

Oh OP, this man is truly awful. He drinks, he gambles, he has another woman, he blames you for everything...

Your mental health would be so much better if you didn't live with this cruel addicted cheat.

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/02/2022 13:54

Tbh as well if it is 10k extra before tax, it will only be about £6600 after tax. If you lose £4800 in ctc that’s only £1800 gain. Plus it seems from other posters that it’s unlikely to be true that he can earn that much. Seems a bit fishy.

Although if you are going to start working ctc will stop anyway.

Crossfitwidow · 12/02/2022 13:55

I’ve a couple of gamblers in the family. They will lie and cheat in ways you would never imagine, one of them re-mortgaged two houses that didn’t belong to them and made their own son homeless. Went to prison for it too, still see him going into the bookies!

StopStartStop · 12/02/2022 13:57

I marked a thousand papers one year, at £2.85 each, I think. It was hard work.

Dashel · 12/02/2022 14:00

I would get a free credit check done and go through every bank statement I could find.

It is possible he borrowed money from elsewhere to get those debts paid off.

You need to get a job and get out of this situation, your
DC will be suffering and learning that this is how men behave to their wives and that your daughters should put up with any old shit to keep a man. Do you really want your children to have the relationship that you and your husband have?

Get a solicitor and get as much real life support as you can and get the heck out of there.

Imissmoominmama · 12/02/2022 14:02

I wouldn’t be happy with a tired alcoholic marking my exam papers…

Hallyup84 · 12/02/2022 14:14

We have 5 kids, I'm a sahm, my husband earns just less than £40k and we're entitled to absolutely nothing. When he was earning less and we were entitled, we had a disability premium on it and we still got way less than £400 a month. What gives?!

Gilly12345 · 12/02/2022 14:15

£400 CTC !!! on a salary of £40k !!!

As you have been a SAHM for such a long time, how do you access money for yourself, clothes, haircuts etc?

Definitely is time for you to start earning some money for yourself and time to start a pension.

Serious discussion needed here about family money and your financial independence.

Sweetmagnolia · 12/02/2022 14:20

How on earth does he manage to teach and do enough marking to earn 10k? I am clearly working for the wrong exam board.Confused

Tempusfudgeit · 12/02/2022 14:21

OP, you say your children are your priority. They are currently being set up for lifetimes of mental health problems, abusive relationships, gambling and alcohol problems. What are you going to do about it?

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 14:21

I wouldn’t want a young child of mine to go to a childminder who has an alcoholic partner

EdenFlower · 12/02/2022 14:28

Only in the world of MN is all money earned by married people 'family money'.

Anybody who doesn't have their own private bank account with a reserve amount in it, is a fool! No way would I be working my arse off while someone else stays at home pottering round the house and not keeping a reserve back for 'a rainy day'.

Name99 · 12/02/2022 14:29

What proof have you seen of the money for the marking, a payment from them directly or a contract clearly stating the amount.
Where has the figure come from, him verbally telling you or seeing a bank balance?

You need to speak to womens aid again about getting away from him, the details in the other thread are shocking OP.

KatherineofGaunt · 12/02/2022 14:43

For those still saying you can't earn that much marking, OP has said that he marks BTEC exams too, not just the GCSE/A Level window in around June. So he's in a marking window right now. So it's ten grand over the year.

The debt he paid off in 2019 was from gambling. He lost 20 grand of our money so its not abit of gambling with his hard earned cash

So he spent family money to get into debt, then worked to pay the debt off. So this year he can use his hard- earned cash to replace the family money.

moanymyrtle · 12/02/2022 14:45

If you have more children or disabled children receiving DLA you can get CTC up to a higher salary. I get some as dc on high rate dla. Yes it is unreasonable he is reducing the family income and then keeping the money for himself. Use a benefits calculator to see what you would get as a single parent you may find you are not much worse off without him. There was a period when I was earning maybe £100 a month more by working than being on carers / CTC. I basically only did it for the pension and to keep my foot in the door of employment. I haven’t read your other thread but don’t think you can’t manage on your own. Got to confess wouldn’t want him marking my dc exam papers if he’s drunk and rushing through them.

DaveGrohl · 12/02/2022 14:53

He sounds horrendous. Of course it’s unfair - but the entire set up that is your marriage is unfair (to you)

Tillymintpolo · 12/02/2022 14:59

@KatherineofGaunt BTECs aren’t marked externally like GCSEs and Alevels, a sample will be sent for moderation, it’s not the same, he’s talking nonsense

Peppapigforlife · 12/02/2022 15:03

Tell him that he can pay the £4800 you lose in CTC (I'm assuming you will lose it for twelve months) into your joint account and then split the £5200 with you as you've enabled him to do this work by doing the childcare. Then he can either spend his £2600 on a holiday for you all or gamble it away. You can keep your £2600 in your own private savings account.

KatherineofGaunt · 12/02/2022 15:06

[quote Tillymintpolo]@KatherineofGaunt BTECs aren’t marked externally like GCSEs and Alevels, a sample will be sent for moderation, it’s not the same, he’s talking nonsense[/quote]
👍🏻 Didn't know this (primary)!

OP, did you read that? Are you sure he's marking right now? I thought ten grand a year was possible with BTEC, but it seems it really would just be the GCSE/A Level window in June and term grand is extremely unlikely/impossible in that time.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 15:12

He's marking something now. I've seen him doing it but I'm not sure exactly.....

OP posts:
Rosieposie101 · 12/02/2022 15:12

I agree with you. This is really bad and also pretty worrying considering the gambling habit. Sounds like he is willing for you to all be worse off so he can gamble...

Original poster
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 15:13

@Name99

What proof have you seen of the money for the marking, a payment from them directly or a contract clearly stating the amount. Where has the figure come from, him verbally telling you or seeing a bank balance?

You need to speak to womens aid again about getting away from him, the details in the other thread are shocking OP.

I haven't seen any contracts or his bank statement which is where that marking money is paid.
OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 15:14

Could he just be marking normal work?

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/02/2022 15:15

@Peppapigforlife - that doesn’t add up as op says it’s gross 10k (so 6.6k after tax if her dh is in England and earning 40k as she says. Also she says he is going to spend 4K on a family holiday