Tinder Swindler - victims should accept some accountability

[sometimespeopletakethepiss]

I can completely understand how these ladies could have fell for this guy BUT what I don't understand is the lack of accountability for their poor judgement.

In my life I would never, ever lend money to anyone unless it is money I could afford to lose - and if I did I feel like I'd have to own it as my own poor judgement.

AIBU to think the ladies should repay the money themselves or declare bankruptcy, not setup a 'go fund me' page and take it as a lesson learned?

Those comparing it to average women looking to ‘up ‘ their lifestyle a bit are kind of missing the point- most would be delighted to meet and like a solvent doctor, an architect, an accountant- — they aren’t in the market for trusting ‘billionaires’ who ask for you to take loans and use your cards within a month of knowing them . Whilst what happened is awful, they went along willingly with this.

Just because there is the word victim doesn't mean there can't be the word blame.
Are there really victimless billionaires?
Persilla described eating at the restaurant feeling terrible as she now knew that somebody else - another woman like her - was paying for it.
But she was happy to enjoy all of the money before believing it came from the diamond industry. I know I've already made this point but the origin of his wealth wasn't going to be victimless from the get go. It only stung once the victims were them and women like them.
It wasn't like they were planning to help him use his money to save victims of war and slavery in Africa. They were looking at 15k a month flats and drinking champagne in mykonos.
They were victims, yes. They will probably make a lot of it back through interviews and tv shows. Maybe the next series of love island? It will all work out for them in the end.
Let's watch this space and see if any of that potential fame and fortune actually goes into doing anybody any good.

Um what's this thing about reading and backpacking?! I gave a man £300 in bits and pieces and I have a degree from Cambridge.

Some criminals prey on the better nature of others. We're not all by definition stupid.

I don't think you get romance scammers targeting women who like to read and backpack.

What a ridiculous statement.

I don't think you get romance scammers targeting women who like to read and backpack.

E.L. James says hi.

@Tiredalwaystired I know, I didn't become the sort of person who could ''smell a rat'' until I was much older. I'd been raised to sublimate any need of my own. Also, my mother gets extremely angry if I present any alternative perspective. There is one perspective; hers. So in relationships I used to be terrified to have a perspective or a need. I'm not like that now. But the scam is not a scam on your intelligence, it's a scam on your childhood trauma quite often!

I was literally hardwired to believe that it was abusive of me to put forward my interpretation of events as equal.

I'm lucky i was never scammed as I would have been ripe for it.

Although I did spend 7 years of servitude to my x, he wanted the house run like a hotel/restaurant/creche and i walked away eventually with 100% of the responsibility and 0% of the freedom. So I kind of was scammed.

@gogohm

I agree op, unless they were particularly vulnerable eg learning disability it is up to us to do due diligence. I have done old and I googled dates, made sure they were who they said they were - dp admitted he did the same thing for me when we first met. We do not share finances even 2 years on, and certainly don't lend money

But what happens if you really like the guy and he needed a deposit for a new flat share quickly? or he'd lose this flat as he's not paid for another 10 days.

Would you go off him for not having savings? To be clear, I would go off him for 1) asking and 2) not having savings but when I was in my 20s and 30s I could have fallen for a regular guy version of the scam if I'd thought I was in a new relationship.

There are a lot of vulnerable women out there who these kind of scam artists target. Pat yourself on the back that you have boundaries and can recognise abusive behaviours.

@userxx

There are a lot of vulnerable women out there who these kind of scam artists target. Pat yourself on the back that you have boundaries and can recognise abusive behaviours.

I don't even necessarily think I am. I think I'm just tight when it comes to money tbh so that's the point where it would have been a hell no! Find money from elsewhere scenario.

Romance scams are nothing new and all reputable OLD sites warn you about these sorts of things from time to time.
Maybe i'm just tight too but if someone I'd recently started dating started asking to borrow money they'd be dropped pdq
Certainly not until we'd moved in together or were at least in a committed relationship and otherwise reliant on each other in some way/having good visibility of what's going on in each others lives.

It's a bit different lending your partner of 6 months+ £200 because their car failed it's MOT and you know they just paid to have their boiler fixed that month or something.

As for “dating” for less than a month when he told her that his enemies were tracking him via his credit cards. That must surely get a guiness world record for the biggest red flag known to man.
She obviously wanted the 'exciting' boyfriend, the potential money/lifestyle

There are cultural facts at play here (I'm from the same country as some of these women). In that culture, you tend to be trusting because as people we are very "what you see is what you get" and so we take things at fave value. Of course that is incredibly naive, but I can totally see these how these women believed him, because he said so. I know how naive that sounds. Years ago I worked for a company from our country (but here in london) and lot of the younger girls who came over found themselves deceived and duped. It happend time and time again (obviously not to the same extent as in the programme). I remember when I first got over here and people I met at uni would say "see yoy later" I'd get my watch out and go "sure what time?" not realising that's not ar all what they meant. And if a guy said 'I'll call you" I did the "I'd love that. Call me Thirsday becuase I'm working on Wed" etc. It was only when I met my now dh at final year of uni that someone explained these things to me. I'd no idea. I thought people said what they meant.

@Lndnmummy Are you Dutch?

www.ladbible.com/news/woman-duped-out-of-80000-after-ending-29yearrelationship-for-scam-20220213?source=facebook

Hers another one - sent a 'lonely American soldier' £80,000 over 2 and a half years and left her partner of 29years yet had never even facetimed him let alone met him.
I bet even the genuine lonely American soldiers no longer describe themselves as that online anymore as it is just code for scammer now.

I don't think it's victim blaming to say that someone who falls for something so blatant and so widely known about has to take some responsibility for it.

Well I've just watched this and a few things strike me....

The women involved come across as nice, but obviously from a different circle of society than the vast majority, if not in the billionaire league themselves. Simon obviously targeted them because they had sone wherewithal or the means to get it.

The psychological manipulation he used is appalling - threats, coercion etc etc. FFS one of them ended up in a psych ward and apparently contemplated ending it all.

This was an exceptionally sophisticated con, and I think it's pretty poor that he is now free and may well be continuing his life of crime.

And where is the kudos to his victims for helping bring him down even temporarily? They had to out themselves in danger and he threatened them with all sorts.

At least these women are being upfront and asking for help for a truthful reason not using fictitious drama to fund a party lifestyle.

After everything theyve6been through- and their families don't forget - I say good luck to them. If they can recoup some of their losses and rebuild themselves why begrudge it? Why belittle them? They are people with feelings not robots who calculate relationships by algorithm.

Yet another man did despicable things to women. Should we not focus on that?

@Ihatesalad

One thing I wanted to mention too is a cultural thing- two of the women were Scandinavian and living in Copenhagen I can tell you there is a great deal of trust here, for instance we rent a really nice house— we were not referenced- I kept waiting for the agent to ask for references and it never came— same with when I sorted house insurance— they insured me from day 1 and just sent a bill about a month later— no ‘give me your card details now’ etc. I still have little sympathy but do suspect that the average Scandi has far more trust than the average female Brit !

Today I learned that Scandinavia is a real life version of the Ricky Gervais movie, "The Invention of Lying"

The women involved come across as nice, but obviously from a different circle of society than the vast majority, if not in the billionaire league themselves.

Exactly this. The women were happy to go along with it until it backfired.

@Hasselhoffsheadband

One of the women sent her passport details to a man she had matched with on Tinder and had never met.

Why? Why would you do that?

Plus he was grim and just his voice made my skin crawl.

His voice notes made me laugh as he sounded like an angry Gino do Campo

The women were happy to go along with it until it backfired.

Oh come on. Everyone's happy to go along with stuff until it backfires!

This guy is a professional swindler who is estimated to have taken £10 million off multiple victims. So he must have been good at his job. He would have tested them to see how compliant they were before asking for money. I have some sympathy, growing up in a middle class area being told to be “nice” it to ok a few hard knocks before I realised that people can say they like or live you, spend days, weeks, months or years with you and never feel anything at all. I never lost money though. These days, I am “ nice” to everyone but I always have a back up plan, and multiple eggs in multiple baskets. I don’t feel safe any other way.

Just to clarify- I don’t cheat but I maintain a large social circle at all times so if a relationship doesn’t work out- it’s not the end of the world

His voice notes made me laugh as he sounded like an angry Gino do Campo

They will sound very different to someone who has built some sort of relationship with him and is in the middle of the world he's built around them.

How many women on here share the disgusting things their partners say to them, but they've got a Rolodex of excuses as to why it's not that bad really?

@DrSbaitso

His voice notes made me laugh as he sounded like an angry Gino do Campo

They will sound very different to someone who has built some sort of relationship with him and is in the middle of the world he's built around them.

How many women on here share the disgusting things their partners say to them, but they've got a Rolodex of excuses as to why it's not that bad really?

Good point. Also, how many women live in poverty while their children’s fathers owe them tens of thousands in child support and don’t see the correlation? Or feel themselves to have been swindled as the man lies to the CMS or hides his money? Society seems to just shrug its shoulders at that. But it’s no different.

Haven’t watched all of it yet. However, that first one just really comes across as quite greedy and money grabbing.

I find it really interesting that alot of people are calling the women- who did not ask for or receive a penny- moneygrabbing while not criticising a man who swindled millions from multiple victims. And then we wonder how women end up with cocklodgers. Here’s your answer.

@Diqgeneration

I find it really interesting that alot of people are calling the women- who did not ask for or receive a penny- moneygrabbing while not criticising a man who swindled millions from multiple victims. And then we wonder how women end up with cocklodgers. Here’s your answer.

Well that's just it. There's a massive air of "money grubbing, gold digging whores deserved it" in many posts, and yet these women kept GIVING. And despite the insistence that they saw it as investment - ie, that they were paying in because they thought they'd profit on payout - it wasn't being "sold" to them that way. It was a romance scam, not an investment scam. Money is powerful, so are love and sex.

It was foolish, of course it was, but it wasn't some cold act on their part with pound signs in their eyes. Quite the opposite, he was playing on the feelings they had developed and their sense of obligation.