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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DF won't approve engagement...

454 replies

beesknees18 · 11/02/2022 20:01

Hi all

Bit of a back story - DF and I have been friends for 15 years. Two years ago her DP proposed to her after 1.5 years together - due to get married this October.

My DP and I have been together 8 years and have 2DC together, and have recently started discussing our engagement (no proposal yet, but things have been put on hold due to babies/careers/money).

I approached DF and said how DP has started asking me for ring ideas, and we were going to view some rings, just so DP got an idea of things that I didn't like and did like.

DF said she didn't want to hear about it until after she was married.

DP approached her recently and explained that he found a ring he thinks I'd love and wanted her opinion - DF refused to look at it and told him he needs to wait until she's married before even considering one. He then asked her what about December, as that's our anniversary month, and she told him she'd prefer it if there was a "cool down" period after her wedding.

DP has reluctantly told me what's happened, but I'm glad he has as it's made me question whether she is crossing a line or I am. I haven't seen the ring (he's spoken to my sister who is, in her words, "saying yes for me😂).

AIBU for feeling like DF is being a bit dramatic thinking only she can be engaged at the moment? DP wanted to propose this month but won't now because of her reaction, even though it would be 8 months until she got married and a good 2 years before we did!

I would understand if I was engaged and actually planning my wedding a week after hers but it's purely the proposal DP had approached her over!

Or should I tell DP to wait to propose until January 2023 so that I'm definitely not treading on anyones toes!

Thanks all! Sorry if it's confusing!

OP posts:
Juniper68 · 13/02/2022 22:55

Good riddance to bad rubbish. She wasn't a real friend.

billy1966 · 13/02/2022 23:31

Where has all this stealing her thunder bullshit come from.

I have known multiple close friends get engaged in the one year and I have never heard a whiff of this.

Honestly weddings have become such a source of stress for some people.

Many congratulations OP.

She's really no loss and I think you are right to ditch the bridesmaid job, who needs her begrudgery, cost and effort.

Your wedding plans sound lovely.

Move on from this and enjoy this happiness.

Your ring is so lovely.
I think the restyled ring is so sweet.Flowers

2DogsOnMySofa · 14/02/2022 07:47

Wow she sounds more awful with every post.

Everyone's engagement ring is special, however I do think what your df has done with grandmothers ring actually makes it far more special and meaningful than most. Ignore your friend, she's being rude and hurtful.

As for stealing thunder. When friend groups get to a certain age you generally have a flurry for weddings, kids etc at roughly the same time. She's batshit

rainbowstardrops · 14/02/2022 08:25

She sounds absolutely horrible! What a shame she's turned into a bridezilla.
Your ring is beautiful, special and unique.

MinnieGirl · 14/02/2022 08:35

It’s very sad that your friend has turned into a classic bridezilla… and is apparently the only person who can be engaged, planning a wedding or even discussing marriage…..

Your ring is gorgeous. It’s unique and an heirloom and has been crafted just for you. The love that has gone into that ring is enormous. I suspect she is very jealous of that, and just trying to make you feel bad. What a nasty thing to do…

I love that you are thinking of your marriage rather than the ceremony. That’s the important bit, the ceremony just gets you there!

I’m glad you are not going to be a bridesmaid, and you are planning to tell her why. She needs to know that her actions have consequences.

Your wedding plans sound absolutely wonderful. I wish you every happiness

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 14/02/2022 09:03

"she's made me feel really guilty for even thinking about getting engaged whilst she's planning her wedding."

What world does she live in? Bonkers.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 14/02/2022 09:09

I'm sorry, I hadn't read all your posts, before posting @beesknees18 Grin

Congratulations on your engagement, your beautiful ring and your lovely fiancé! I think you need to ditch this friend, she seems a bit odd to me!

Ludo19 · 14/02/2022 09:29

Your friend is not your friend.

Tell her to fuck off and stop being so dramatic.

feelsobadfeltsogood · 14/02/2022 13:33

@Luzina

Your friend is being ridiculous
She needs to get over herself who the hell does she think she is!!!
Whatifitallgoesright · 14/02/2022 14:15

It's lovely what he's done to make your ring. It weaves you into his family. She's just too jealous. I'd be unsure about having her there on the day. Can you imagine the comments ; "I love what you're trying to do with your hair." and "You're so brave, not many people can carry off that colour" etc etc. Although if you feel you have to then it could be a fun bingo comment game to play.

MimiSunshine · 14/02/2022 14:34

Congratulations OP. It would be tempting to reply back with “it is my very own engagement ring, anyone can buy one from a shop but DP used family jewellery and designed it himself”.

But I would say it all on here and then just ghost her, don’t send any messages, don’t pull out of being bridesmaid just ignore her from now on.
Let her wonder if you still are going to be BM and see if she gets in touch. If she does, tell her what you wrote on here and then ignore her again.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 14/02/2022 15:21

@CrinklyCraggy

He should get down on one knee at the wedding Grin

Gosh, this isn't going to get better in the run up to the wedding. You and DP should live your lives. What happens with her is incidental and sounds like it may be a lucky escape.

i thought exactly this ha ha.
Bonbon21 · 14/02/2022 16:05

Your partner is a romantic....how lucky are you!!??
Your ring is stunning.... such thought and history behind it.

And I know which wedding I would rather go to!!
Best wishes for that and your future together....x

nanbread · 14/02/2022 16:16

Congratulations, and screw her! What a horrible thing to say about your ring. Jealous self centered cow.

strawberrycream45 · 14/02/2022 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ewock · 14/02/2022 17:45

I'm so pleased for you. Your ring is gorgeous and means so much that your dp had it made from his grandmas ring. I think that is such an amazing gesture and so romantic as you now have a one of a kind ring. It's a shame your friend can not be happy for you, but it sounds like you are better off without her as the sly digs are just nasty and said to undermine how you feel. Enjoy your engagement in any way you want we all deserve some happiness and excitement

Original poster
beesknees18 · 14/02/2022 17:49

Oh bloody hell I did a name change fail!! Do this every now and again to make sure I'm staying anonymous - so apologies in advance!

Nothing I'm bothered about anyway as I fear DF may see this thread and that'll be WW3!

Thank you all again, honestly I'm so pleased to have this thread to express my excitement! And for all of you complimenting my DP, we're both very touched so thank you xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
beesknees18 · 14/02/2022 17:50

Oh now it's been removed anyway 😂😂😂 ignore me!

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 14/02/2022 18:47

What a pathetic woman

I would be very tempted to just not talk to her anymore. No message, nothing. Don't reply if she calls or messages. Just ghost her. She's no friend.

Chely · 14/02/2022 18:50

DF is being pathetic.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/02/2022 18:56

Change your what's app pic to one of your ring.. Whenever she uses what's app your ring will appear in her list. You can't delete what's app contacts!

Summerhouse1998 · 14/02/2022 19:19

@beesknees18

Thank you all again for these lovely replies.

A bit of an update, I called DF and very excitedly told her the news (or should I say broke the news 😂), it went down like a bag of........she really didn't have much to say. She was neither happy nor annoyed, just a simple "I'm happy that he finally did it, I know you've been talking about it for a while". I said how excited we both were and were already looking at venues to which she replied "well you've no hope of booking anything like mine this year!". I said I didn't really care about that as it wasn't a competition, I'm more excited about our marriage than wedding day. She asked how he did it, and this is the part I don't know if I was pathetic about, but I said how we were discussing how ridiculous it was that we were letting other people dictate our special day, so DP just went for it in the moment! She then said she had to go as someone else was calling.

She didn't ask to see the ring, which bugged me as I know DP had tried to show it to her, so I sent her a message with a photo explaining how he made it using the stone and band from his grandmothers ring and also some new white gold to add some detailing.

She read, and replied 5 hours later with

"It's lovely, but such a shame you couldn't get your very own engagement ring, it will always be his grandmothers. It's lovely still, very you." (Is she calling me used?!?)

I've ignored, and plan to tell her I don't feel comfortable being her bridesmaid any longer as I feel I can't be a part of someone's happy day when they can't do the same for me.

DP and I have decided to have a small intimate elopement with close family and friends, and then a large party afterwards to dance the night away!.....excluding ex dear friend.

Feeling a bit low about it all as reality has hit BUT, not letting it put a downer on things and very excited to start planning with all my true friends xxx

"It's lovely but such a shame you couldn't get your own engagement ring, it will always be his grandmothers..."

What??

Do you think Prince William's wife Katherine thinks like that? That her engagement ring isn't her own? That it belonged to someone else? I would think Katherine feels it a special priviledge to wear a ring so close to William's heart....and I would feel the same that your fiance has chosen his Grandmother's ring for you, he must love you a lot xx

WheresYourSnickers · 14/02/2022 19:22

Congratulations OP! Great news 💍💘

Your friend is bonkers, and it's such a shame she can't be happy for you, just like you are for her.

My friend got engaged in 2010, her sil-to-be was engaged at the time & her MiL announced that she (my friend and her fiancé) couldn't get married into after SiL because she was engaged first. Well 6 years and 2 children later my friend got married - the SiL is still not married, they're still engaged just not bothered about actually getting married (I still don't understand why they bothered getting engaged!) My friend would still be waiting 12 years later if she was suiting other people. In the end, plan your own life to suit yourself.

whynotwhatknot · 14/02/2022 20:00

Congrats op its abeautiful ring and a lovely sentiment-i have my grandmothers wedding ring that my mum gave me it dont feel secondhand or like its someone elses it means alot to me

your ex friend is on another planet and those comments arent kind-dont know what shes thinking

have alovely wedding

Original poster
beesknees18 · 14/02/2022 20:24

I agree with all of you saying that the sentiment behind the ring is so special, I just love the idea that it's been handed down but also made for me. It's something to hold close and also one day hand down to DDs❤️

I would think DF is jealous, but she seems to have it all at the moment - career, fiancée, big wedding and a huge social network so I can't really work out what it is. I do think it comes down to her just wanting the day to be about her, including the run up and "cool down" period!

Thank you all again for your replies, they mean so much to me as I was seriously questioning myself xx

OP posts: