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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DF won't approve engagement...

454 replies

beesknees18 · 11/02/2022 20:01

Hi all

Bit of a back story - DF and I have been friends for 15 years. Two years ago her DP proposed to her after 1.5 years together - due to get married this October.

My DP and I have been together 8 years and have 2DC together, and have recently started discussing our engagement (no proposal yet, but things have been put on hold due to babies/careers/money).

I approached DF and said how DP has started asking me for ring ideas, and we were going to view some rings, just so DP got an idea of things that I didn't like and did like.

DF said she didn't want to hear about it until after she was married.

DP approached her recently and explained that he found a ring he thinks I'd love and wanted her opinion - DF refused to look at it and told him he needs to wait until she's married before even considering one. He then asked her what about December, as that's our anniversary month, and she told him she'd prefer it if there was a "cool down" period after her wedding.

DP has reluctantly told me what's happened, but I'm glad he has as it's made me question whether she is crossing a line or I am. I haven't seen the ring (he's spoken to my sister who is, in her words, "saying yes for me😂).

AIBU for feeling like DF is being a bit dramatic thinking only she can be engaged at the moment? DP wanted to propose this month but won't now because of her reaction, even though it would be 8 months until she got married and a good 2 years before we did!

I would understand if I was engaged and actually planning my wedding a week after hers but it's purely the proposal DP had approached her over!

Or should I tell DP to wait to propose until January 2023 so that I'm definitely not treading on anyones toes!

Thanks all! Sorry if it's confusing!

OP posts:
Tooshytoshine · 12/02/2022 18:08

Congratulations!!! It is always good when good things happen for good people.

Your friend gets to live her own life but not yours... She sounds very self involved.

Show her your beautiful ring, pretend she was obviously joking when she forbid you from getting engaged as honestly only a complete weirdo would do that!

LolaSparkle · 12/02/2022 18:37

Congratulations OP 🎉

I couldn't be bridesmaid to your DF after this, why would you be bridesmaid for someone who you can't even tell you're engaged too over fear of their reaction!
I'd be up front and honest to your DF about how unreasonable she is being and that she's shown her selfish true colours!

sueelleker · 12/02/2022 18:58

That's beautiful-just the style I love.

FurbleSocks · 12/02/2022 19:23

@beesknees18

Literally shaking as I'm writing this so please excuse any mistakes but DP got home from work and I showed him your responses........He laughed, went out of the room for a moment

Came back in and got down on his knee and EeeeeEEEKKK!!!! I'm finally engaged! The ring is everything I'd wanted and he actually had it made using his grandmothers ring! Never ever expected that but omg is it even more special now!

I know it's crazy to announce this here but what a turn in events!?!!!! AaaAhhh!!!!!! I didn't even think he'd got as far as buying one let alone making it!

I'm going to enjoy the Prosecco tonight and leave it till next week to "break the news" to DF...eeeeeeeeeek!!

Oh wow that is absolutely beautiful! Classic but classy! Congratulations!!
babyjellyfish · 12/02/2022 19:46

Congratulations OP!

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 13/02/2022 01:55

Congratulations OP! Hope all goes well with your friend. Xoxo

5YearsLeft · 13/02/2022 02:07

Congrats, OP. Must be very tempting to book your wedding the day before hers in the same weekend Grin Joke aside, believe me, as I’ve learned recently, life is much, much too short to wait for these things (I mostly mean the engagement - if you want to plan your wedding, of course take the time you need). You shouldn’t wait on happiness, and I have no idea why any friend would want you to postpone happiness, not knowing what any of us could be facing six months from now. I really do hope, since you’ve had such a long friendship, that she’ll realize it’s wedding madness on her part and come to her senses (if she doesn’t have precious form for being an arse) and realize MORE happiness in the world cannot steal from her own, especially the happiness of those she loves.

If she can’t realize this… that’s truly a shame, and I do hope it’s only a matter of time before she does come to her senses, and that she does it before she permanently damages your friendship.

Cocogreen · 13/02/2022 03:42

Congratulations!!
You're friend is batshit crazy! What a huge drama Queen - who on earth needs a "cool-down " period after their wedding??? She's lost the plot.

LottyD32 · 13/02/2022 11:33

I'd tell him to propose at her reception and then fuck her off. Her batshittery is ridiculous.

PostThenGhost · 13/02/2022 11:47

@LottyD32
He already proposed.

ny20005 · 13/02/2022 11:59

Your friend is batshit. I'd be re-evaluating the friendship

I had a best friend in my twenties who was so one sided. She was dating this really selfish guy who was never going to propose. I met my now dh & after a few months she told me 'don't take this the wrong way, but I'll be really pissed if you get married before me ' WTF, it's not a competition

She's not the only person who's allowed to be engaged at any one time. Let your partner propose when it's right for both of you & don't give her a second thought

LottyD32 · 13/02/2022 12:01

[quote PostThenGhost]@LottyD32
He already proposed.[/quote]
@PostTheGhost I see that now. I'd personally have been pettier

hangrylady · 13/02/2022 12:05

She's a fucking weirdo.

DiddyHeck · 13/02/2022 12:23

@hangrylady

She's a fucking weirdo.
This entire thread is fucking weird. As if anyone would let their friend dictate when they get engaged, even if they didn't already live with a bloke they have 2 kids with.

Nowt as strange as folk as they say.

Whatdramain2022 · 13/02/2022 12:33

I absolutely love this thread! What a great outcome. Your fiancé is amazing. I can't wait for your friend's reaction! Huge congratulations x

lemmein · 13/02/2022 18:22

Haven't RTFT but 'cool-down period' really made me laugh Grin your friend is so far past crazy you'd need a new word for her! You and your DP too for buying into her crazy - her opinion is irrelevant.

lemmein · 13/02/2022 18:35

Oh just caught up - congratulations OP, the ring is beautiful, especially with the sentiment behind it. He did good, without her help Wink

Original poster
beesknees18 · 13/02/2022 18:49

Thank you all again for these lovely replies.

A bit of an update, I called DF and very excitedly told her the news (or should I say broke the news 😂), it went down like a bag of........she really didn't have much to say. She was neither happy nor annoyed, just a simple "I'm happy that he finally did it, I know you've been talking about it for a while". I said how excited we both were and were already looking at venues to which she replied "well you've no hope of booking anything like mine this year!". I said I didn't really care about that as it wasn't a competition, I'm more excited about our marriage than wedding day. She asked how he did it, and this is the part I don't know if I was pathetic about, but I said how we were discussing how ridiculous it was that we were letting other people dictate our special day, so DP just went for it in the moment! She then said she had to go as someone else was calling.

She didn't ask to see the ring, which bugged me as I know DP had tried to show it to her, so I sent her a message with a photo explaining how he made it using the stone and band from his grandmothers ring and also some new white gold to add some detailing.

She read, and replied 5 hours later with

"It's lovely, but such a shame you couldn't get your very own engagement ring, it will always be his grandmothers. It's lovely still, very you." (Is she calling me used?!?)

I've ignored, and plan to tell her I don't feel comfortable being her bridesmaid any longer as I feel I can't be a part of someone's happy day when they can't do the same for me.

DP and I have decided to have a small intimate elopement with close family and friends, and then a large party afterwards to dance the night away!.....excluding ex dear friend.

Feeling a bit low about it all as reality has hit BUT, not letting it put a downer on things and very excited to start planning with all my true friends xxx

OP posts:
Pegasussnail · 13/02/2022 18:51

She's not a true friend. I can't understand why she's being so mean. Tell her very little! Have you heard of the grey rock technique?

shaneTwane · 13/02/2022 18:52

Best response op. Ex friend is nuts. That's not a normal reaction.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2022 18:55

She's a rotten cow. Let her be a bridezilla and piss everyone off anyway.

Enjoy your wedding and marriage!

Just don't contact her again.

ButtonMoonLoon · 13/02/2022 18:57

Wow, I can’t believe she said that about your beautiful ring- what a horrible thing to say
I would absolutely cancel seeing her from now on

SpidersAreShitheads · 13/02/2022 18:58

OMG! What a complete cow.

If it's any consolation at all, given the choice I would ALWAYS rather have an engagement ring that's been designed using a family heirloom. Anyone can go and pick one from a shop, but what your DP has done is incredibly special and precious. (And that's no insult to anyone who has a regular engagement ring - I'm engaged and my DP bought me a lovely one from a jewellers. It's stunning, and I love it because he picked it for me - he doesn't have any heirlooms to pass on, but if he had that would have been wonderful).

I think your plan is the right way to go. It's often easy to get sucked into reacting in the spur of the moment but she's shown you who she really is.

She couldn't be pleased for you, she's had a competitive dig about the venue and she's deliberately been nasty about a ring that's clearly very special to you.

This is a big moment for you, and she has tried to bring you down. I don't think she's any kind of friend and I absolutely would ditch her. It sounds as if you have lots of other lovely people around you, there's no point clinging onto a friendship just because you have history.

Raindancer411 · 13/02/2022 19:02

Congrats, ignore the snide comments, she sounds very competitive. Like you said it's not the type of thing you want, so enjoy what you want and enjoy the friends and family you have that want to celebrate with you!

Starlightstarbright1 · 13/02/2022 19:07

Gosh.. when strangers on the intent are nicer and happier than your friends - you learn she isn't a friend.

It is a shame she can't be happy for you.

Your wedding will be lovely i am sure