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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:50

@TheChronicalTales

However if she is asking you specifically to go for drinks I think you should be asking is baby going to be there and if she says yes then ask her how she is drinking with baby being there?
The intention is always that the baby won't be there. The places we (at her suggestion) arrange to go to are not places any mother would take a baby to, and especially not on an evening. It's always at the last minute that the plans change.
OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/02/2022 12:50

YANBU

I would just ask - is this with or without baby? Then make an appropriate suggestion accordingly.

And yes I'm a Mum and had 3 breast fed babies.

It's just common decency to be clear whether it's with or without baby and arrange something accordingly.

Stressedout1009 · 11/02/2022 12:50

Yabu. The baby is still very young and she might not feel comfortable being away from the baby, no matter how helpful her dh is. My dh is extremely hand on , and I didn't feel comfortable for at least a year. I could care less if anyone else didn't understand that. Fortunately I had friends who were very understanding of that. Maybe she is still trying to meet you, because she wants to keep her friendships going but she's just a little tied up right now.

TabithaHazel · 11/02/2022 12:50

@Nowomenaroundeh

Honestly I think you are being massively unreasonable expecting her to come without her baby and drawing a comparison with her husband doing so.

She probably thought things would be different than they are. Nothing prepares you for how you feel. My baby was also very placid and came everywhere with me. Once, due to a planning problem with her dad i arrived into town for a girls night out with her. I would be so hurt if I heard my friends talking like this about me.

She won't be a baby for long and then things will change again. I actually think it's very unkind and unsupportive to your friend. It's only been six months.

If you don't want to meet her make excuses for the next while. But don't sit quietly seething that the baby is getting her attention.

But why is the friend arranging child free things with OP then - the friend is the one being unreasonable here not the OP. If the friend was just honest with the OP that the baby would be there, then at least the OP would be able to prepare herself for being the third wheel/engaging in an evening of boring baby talk.
Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2022 12:51

@Hangthetowels

You are literally so unreasonable. I wouldn't have left my baby with anyone under 15 months or so just to meet a friend. It's her BABY!!! I'm guessing you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be a mother?
Why the HYSTERIA (?!?!)

It's just two people negotiating lifestyles, it's a practical issue.

Nonnymum · 11/02/2022 12:51

Life changes when you have a baby. In a way you can't understand until you have one . She obviously wants time with you but she is breast feeding her baby and the baby's needs have to come first. Her husband can't breastfeed and many breasted babies refuse to take a bottle even if the mother is able to use a breast pump.
I think you just need to be patient for a while.

bedheadedzombie · 11/02/2022 12:51

I don't think either of you is unreasonable. She probably does want nights out and tries to but simply is incapable of this at the moment. And you're not unreasonable to not want to keep clearing your diary for nothing all the time.

I think you need to take charge. Next time she wants to arrange a night out, just say no, or even give the reason why (it just doesn't really work since you can't really leave the baby yet) and suggest lunch or whatever. Make sure that she knows that you do want to meet up, but then for something that is actually convenient for you both.

timeisnotaline · 11/02/2022 12:51

@Hangthetowels

You are literally so unreasonable. I wouldn't have left my baby with anyone under 15 months or so just to meet a friend. It's her BABY!!! I'm guessing you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be a mother?
Woah there. You know that lots of women go back to work before 12 months yes? Did you really just insult most mums? Because most mums have left their baby with SOMEONE by the time they are 14 months old. But I guess saying that makes me someone who has no idea what it’s like to be a mother. Funny, I thought it was my beautiful children that taught me what it’s like being a mother, but now I am enlightened and it’s not ever leaving them with anyone until they are well over a year old, so I guess I’m not a mother after all.
ambushedbywine · 11/02/2022 12:52

YABU but most of us are before/if we don’t have kids.

Gently suggest lunches.

WheelieBinPrincess · 11/02/2022 12:52

@Hangthetowels I’m so sorry you had such an unsupportive partner and family that you couldn’t leave your BABY with them at all until they were 15 months, that must have been tough.

godmum56 · 11/02/2022 12:52

I don't think either of you are BU. I don't do oojee woojee woojee talk either but she is BU not being up front about things changing. Baseline is that she doesn't have to leave the baby until she is ready but she shouldn't be behaving as though she will leave the baby and then backing out. If you are good friends then I think an honest talk about what will be possible to do going forward....if you are not such good friends then time to cool the friendship.

Somethingsnappy · 11/02/2022 12:53

@phishy

Yes, a mother's place is in the home and at the very least, after 6pm! hmm

The point is don’t make plans if you can’t stick to them.

Did the friend at any point say she'd be coming without the baby, or did the op just assume on the basis of it being the evening and drinks etc?
Bigoldhag · 11/02/2022 12:54

People are not reading the posts properly, bloody hell.

I have a couple of friends that do this OP, and with children older than your friends. Everytime they switch to telling you they are bringing their child, rearrange to either another night or to a more suitable lunch time date - do it consistently.

I have no problems seeing my friends with their babies in appropriate settings or them cancelling if they can’t leave their child for whatever reason, but I don’t want children at adult events, flame me Mumsnet ;)

I find once the kids hit toddler age, you’ll have friends dying for childfree time and feel more comfortable doing so. Six months is still young, your friend probably wants to do tbose things in her head but her heart is just not ready, which is ok, but its absolutely ok for you not to have to have every evening event with a baby.

WheelieBinPrincess · 11/02/2022 12:54

I reckon she chickens out at the last minute, it can be hard. In the end sometimes you just have to go out the door and hope the baby and the partner find a way to survive until you get back.

They do, happily.

TheApexOfMyLife · 11/02/2022 12:54

YANBU
It’s not an issue of whether the baby is young or not (different people start leaving their baby at home at different ages).
It’s nit an issue with organising a meal around baby (the OP already does that at lunch etc…)

It’s the planning an outing in a certain way to systematically modify it so it includes the baby and stop being what it was intended to be in the first place that is an issue.

So yes I can understand why she is taking baby with her. But then you organise the lunch/evening meal knowing that baby will be here.
You also appreciate that many your friends don’t want to ‘go out’ in an evening with baby in tow and they might well say NO to the invite. Not telling them that baby will be here is deceitful. But they should have the choice iyswim just the new mum has the choice to say NO to going out wo her baby.

godmum56 · 11/02/2022 12:54

@Nonnymum

Life changes when you have a baby. In a way you can't understand until you have one . She obviously wants time with you but she is breast feeding her baby and the baby's needs have to come first. Her husband can't breastfeed and many breasted babies refuse to take a bottle even if the mother is able to use a breast pump. I think you just need to be patient for a while.
well except the friend has had one and she doesn't seem to understand either....because of she did why would she still be planning dinner out and then backing out?
Laiste · 11/02/2022 12:55

''If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that.''

Have you asked her, OP, why it is that she isn't getting any child free time?

Have you asked her if it's her choice, or if she's making plans and then her DH is pulling the rug out by announcing he's going out?

If you asked her, and she said she could leave the baby, but doesn't want to leave the baby because of x y or z then you could decide for your self if you are being unreasonable about your friend.

RandomMess · 11/02/2022 12:55

X posted with you. So always a list minute change.

Well I would just stick with lunch or early evening coffee/drink somewhere until the baby is much much older and you can suss out she now goes out without her baby.

Somethingsnappy · 11/02/2022 12:55

P. S. I've just read the relevant post, and it does seem that op is making assumptions, based on the venues etc.

bedheadedzombie · 11/02/2022 12:55

@Monopolyiscrap

And the realities of breastfeeding is why I did not do it with my second. Easier my arse.
As a mum who is still breastfeeding at 14 months I love this post! It's portrayed as such an easy and natural thing to do, isn't it? Bottle feeding is so much easier (and less frequent!)
BurningTheClocks · 11/02/2022 12:55

You sound fine OP, it’s your friend who is being unrealistic.
So no evenings out with her, coffee and cake and lunchtimes, however hard she wants her old life back, it’s on hold.

BurningTheClocks · 11/02/2022 12:56

Stick on lunchtimes and cafes is what I meant.

UnsuitableHat · 11/02/2022 12:56

Perhaps you need to accept that, for now, meet ups will only be to child friendly places. Don’t try and arrange childfree nights out. It won’t be that way forever. Why do you find the lunch meet ups ‘extremely boring’?

Laiste · 11/02/2022 12:56

And if it is in fact because her DH is a selfish arse then perhaps she isn't just, as some posters have said - dull as fuck Hmm

phishy · 11/02/2022 12:57

@Somethingsnappy

P. S. I've just read the relevant post, and it does seem that op is making assumptions, based on the venues etc.
How is an assumption when the friend changes the venue from the adults bar to her own home at the last minute? She clearly doesn’t want her baby in the bar.
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