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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 11/02/2022 12:39

OP,

YANBU.

See her on your terms and certainly do not make evening arrangements again until she leaves the baby at home.

Perfectly reasonable of you not to wish to spend an evening out with her baby.

Stick to quick coffee's and lunch.

Inspectorslack · 11/02/2022 12:39

The baby is still very young.

She might think it sounds a good idea and not be able to do it when it comes down to it.

Just do day time lunches for the next while.

Goooglebox · 11/02/2022 12:39

Hold your fire while she breast feeding.

phishy · 11/02/2022 12:39

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I would say this is temporary and it’s nice she’s still trying to make the effort. It won’t last forever, once the baby is a year she can leave her with her partner etc.
She’s not making an effort though. She’s making Op an audience to cooing over her baby.
Plumface · 11/02/2022 12:40

It sounds like she hasn't worked out the logistics of babies/socialising and is suggesting things she can't really do.

Agree with a pp that it may help to query whether her planned night of going to the pub is going to work in terms of the baby, and suggest something else.

I also wonder about her DH and if she's getting enough support at home.

Ya absolutely not bu to be frustrated with a friend who makes plans and doesn't keep to them, but I'd cut her some slack and try to manoeuvre her into more realistic meet ups.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/02/2022 12:40

But it does sound extremely boring and I would start declining the invites.

Ah no, cut her some slack. Many of us got a bit obsessive and dull, but it wears off about 9 or 10 months in when you suddenly think "What have I become?" and want to talk about normal stuff again.

Hangthetowels · 11/02/2022 12:40

You are literally so unreasonable. I wouldn't have left my baby with anyone under 15 months or so just to meet a friend. It's her BABY!!! I'm guessing you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be a mother?

milkyaqua · 11/02/2022 12:41

@DijfunvKd

I couldn't and didn't want to leave him for hours.

So presumably you didn't make plans involving leaving him for hours?

I think you just need to accept if you meet her for the next while then it will be with the baby. The baby won't be a baby forever and hopefully as he gets older your friend will be more available and find it easier to leave him.

I can fully accept that for however long our plans will be lunch or coffee, or even the park or whatever. But planning nights out which morph last minute into staring at someone talking to a baby for an hour is something I just don't want to do.

YANBU.
FreakinFrankNFurter · 11/02/2022 12:41

It would really annoy me that she'd suggest dinner and drinks and then it turn into juice in family type place.

Next time she suggests dinner and drinks, be all enthusiastic about it and how much you're looking forward to it. Then if she changes her mind at last minute again and wants to bring the baby, tell her that as its no longer convenient for her to do what was planned take a rain check and suggest meeting for coffee or brunch one morning
instead

Somethingsnappy · 11/02/2022 12:41

You've said the baby is breastfed, OP. So how do you imagine the baby will be fed if not with her mother?

DrFoxtrot · 11/02/2022 12:41

YANBU

If she suggests doing something in the evening, say no for the foreseeable future. Baby will end up tagging along and changing the evening.

Original poster
DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:42

@rambleonplease

I don't think you're been unreasonable. All you are asking is for her to just stick to lunches and coffee dates with the baby and you and not book your free evenings for a baby free night out which then suddenly becomes with baby! She needs to wait until the baby is older and breastfeeding changes or she is ready to leave the baby.

Maybe she's really trying to keep her life be the same as it was before baby, like she had told you and is struggling with that. Possibly she could benefit from a friendly word to say it's ok, things are different now and that's fine and suggest she really wait a little longer before doing evening things together?

Yes, this is exactly my point, thank you.

I think if she asks again about going for drinks or a nice meal together then I'll just say something like 'perhaps another lunch would be easier with the baby?' or something like that.

OP posts:
TheChronicalTales · 11/02/2022 12:42

How far away is a few hours away from you? I think if she has to travel there and back that’s a lot without a BF baby.

My best friends baby is now two and was BF for around 8 months I think. For those 8 months if we organised something I always presumed baby would be there unless we had arranged to go out drinking. If baby wasn’t there then it was a nice surprise. We had many the meal at 6-7pm in pubs in the evening and it was never a problem. We didn’t drink.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/02/2022 12:42

What’s with all the patronising ‘how old are you OP’ ‘are you very young OP’ questions?
OP I completely agree with you and it would be frustrating for me too. You are willing to accommodate what works for her at this time, she is then suggesting something different and then cannot follow through meaning you’ve had to cancel plans, keep an evening free etc, which isn’t fair

WheelieBinPrincess · 11/02/2022 12:42

@Hangthetowels

You are literally so unreasonable. I wouldn't have left my baby with anyone under 15 months or so just to meet a friend. It's her BABY!!! I'm guessing you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be a mother?
Jesus, calm down! Many mums are able to leave their babies for a little while long before 15 months without the hysteria.
OperationDog · 11/02/2022 12:43

How patronising to imply OP must be very young.

Her friend should limit her socialising to daytime if she can't for whatever reason leave her baby at home.

rambleonplease · 11/02/2022 12:44

@Hangthetowels you clearly have not read what the OP has said at all!

Original poster
DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:44

@Hangthetowels

You are literally so unreasonable. I wouldn't have left my baby with anyone under 15 months or so just to meet a friend. It's her BABY!!! I'm guessing you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be a mother?
Then you wouldn't have arranged nights out involving leaving your baby, would you?
OP posts:
TheChronicalTales · 11/02/2022 12:44

However if she is asking you specifically to go for drinks I think you should be asking is baby going to be there and if she says yes then ask her how she is drinking with baby being there?

Monopolyiscrap · 11/02/2022 12:44

Loads of fathers never look after their kids alone. There is no reason why a baby can't be left alone with its father for a few hours.

WalkingOnSonshine · 11/02/2022 12:44

From her perspective, she’s travelling to meet you, she’s not saying she can only meet at certain times that you might not be able to (ie midweek lunchtimes when you might work) & is being flexible on locations.

I think you need to lower your expectations or try to meet her in the middle.

If you aren’t happy with giving up a night out for just a coke in the pub, why don’t you arrange something which meets both of your expectations - so a walk and then a pub lunch, or coffee and cake.

It really sounds like shes trying to maintain this friendship and not just “disappear” and get flack for that.

DrFoxtrot · 11/02/2022 12:44

I think some people are missing the point that the friend is making plans then changing them last minute to bring baby. It's not OP being unreasonable and moaning about the baby coming, she was expecting a different social event, which the friend agreed to and then changed the dynamic!

The friend is not being unreasonable either but should stop making plans that don't involve baby for now.

Barleysugar85 · 11/02/2022 12:45

It's worth remembering as well that it can be very painful missing feeds when breastfeeding before starting to wean. I remember leaving my first with DH to attend a friends birthday meal/ escape room and it was only a couple of hours but my chest felt like rocks and were so hard and painful it was all I could think about. And then when I came home and was so desperate for the baby to feed they were too swollen and he couldn't latch and we were both in tears. In just a couple of months as they start taking food this should get much easier for her.

WheelieBinPrincess · 11/02/2022 12:45

Trouble is OP this post will now attract the one-upmanship martyrdom of some mothers who will be up in arms about leaving their babies with anyone at any point before they go to school, even to go to the toilet.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 11/02/2022 12:45

What is it with people that they can't actually communicate? I would just have a chat with her, and ask her if her OH is being supportive, as every time you arrange an evening out, she ends up bringing the baby. If she says that it's just because at the last minute she finds that she can't bring herself to leave the little one behind, then tell her that you totally understand but find it disappointing, and suggest that you stick to daytime get togethers only for the time being. Likewise if she says her OH isn't capable of looking after the baby for more than 5 minutes - seems to be a thing with lots of fathers unfortunately. This really doesn't have to be a big deal OP, just talk to her.