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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:

AppleTangerine · 11/02/2022 12:45

@DijfunvKd

I couldn't and didn't want to leave him for hours.

So presumably you didn't make plans involving leaving him for hours?

I think you just need to accept if you meet her for the next while then it will be with the baby. The baby won't be a baby forever and hopefully as he gets older your friend will be more available and find it easier to leave him.

I can fully accept that for however long our plans will be lunch or coffee, or even the park or whatever. But planning nights out which morph last minute into staring at someone talking to a baby for an hour is something I just don't want to do.

Yes I agree you are right to be a annoyed if she is making plans for an evening then changing them especially if its been several times. I didn't make plans for going out on an evening (or when I did they included the baby - he came for some early evening meals in restaurants)

Maybe she is struggling with it herself really wants to go out but then can't leave the baby. Also possible her DH is being unhelpful if he is going out all the time...perhaps he doesn't want to look after the baby. Mine was a bit unwilling because he didn't have breasts..

If you are good friends perhaps you could talk to her about it tactfully? Mention you are looking forward to proper night out when she's ready to leave the baby? If she suggests meeting in the evening try and clarify from the outset whether the baby is coming - so you know if it's a coke in Wetherspoons etc, and can always have different plans for later on.

DasAlteLeid · 11/02/2022 12:45

YANBU and people asking ‘are you very young’ are being obtuse and rude when they think they’re being covertly snide. If she cannot commit to the plans SHE suggested, and alters things dramatically by bringing the baby, she shouldn’t suggest said plans. It’s dull as fuck to sit there going ‘aww look at her little face’ over and over again when you want to have a good chat with a friend, why should you be forced to endure it over lunches and on evenings out??

Equally I think she’s being a bit ridiculous to not be able to have 2hr in a pub without her 8m baby, she could choose a pub close to her house if she’s worried the baby might kick off.

And yes I do have DC and no I’m not ‘very young’ 🙄

Heyahun · 11/02/2022 12:45

hmmmm - I couldn't really leave my breastfed baby until she was almost 8 months tbh

I was a bit resentful of my husband I have to say as I felt he was more free than me!

howver i would never arrange to meet someone in the pub in an evening

instead I do breakfast/lunch/coffee/walks with friends - pub early day time on the weekends OR I just have friends round my house in the evening so my baby would be in bed but i'm there if needed to feed her etc

Somethingsnappy · 11/02/2022 12:45

@OperationDog

How patronising to imply OP must be very young.

Her friend should limit her socialising to daytime if she can't for whatever reason leave her baby at home.

Yes, a mother's place is in the home and at the very least, after 6pm!

phishy · 11/02/2022 12:46

@Hangthetowels

You are literally so unreasonable. I wouldn't have left my baby with anyone under 15 months or so just to meet a friend. It's her BABY!!! I'm guessing you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be a mother?

You are literally so incapable of reading the thread.

And way to patronise OP, plenty of mums agree with OP.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/02/2022 12:46

@Hangthetowels you never left your baby for a couple of hours with their father before the age of 15 months? Why not?

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2022 12:46

What I have found is if you want to hang on to your friends when they have kids, is that you a) have to be flexible when the kids are little and b) will see your friends a bit less when they are tiny.

So I would knock evenings on the head until your friend is able to leave the baby, and persist with the lunches. She's being unreasonable to book baby free evenings - but it's not intentional, she is just getting used to what she can and cannot do.

It's worth hanging onto them because the little phase does end, just be flexible and take charge of arrangements a bit - so they work for the baby and suit you as well as possible within the limitations.

SickAndTiredAgain · 11/02/2022 12:46

I don’t really understand the issue. You’re happy with lunches with the baby, but not dinner? Just do that then. Since you’ve been agreeing to dinners and are happy with lunches I don’t see how your friend could have behaved any differently and sensed you different opinions on lunch vs dinner.

Monopolyiscrap · 11/02/2022 12:46

And the realities of breastfeeding is why I did not do it with my second. Easier my arse.

Nowomenaroundeh · 11/02/2022 12:46

Honestly I think you are being massively unreasonable expecting her to come without her baby and drawing a comparison with her husband doing so.

She probably thought things would be different than they are. Nothing prepares you for how you feel. My baby was also very placid and came everywhere with me. Once, due to a planning problem with her dad i arrived into town for a girls night out with her. I would be so hurt if I heard my friends talking like this about me.

She won't be a baby for long and then things will change again. I actually think it's very unkind and unsupportive to your friend. It's only been six months.

If you don't want to meet her make excuses for the next while. But don't sit quietly seething that the baby is getting her attention.

Doubleraspberry · 11/02/2022 12:46

@DijfunvKd do you feel you can have a honest conversation with her about what's going on?

Just from what you've written, I get a picture of someone who is desperately TRYING to have an adult social life but something is getting in the way and she's putting a brave face on it.

Do you think she'd discuss it properly with you? She may need a friend to talk to about how she's feeling and what's going on.

I could quite happily leave my children when they were tiny. I don't think I'm a dreadful parent but I had no problems going out for the evening and leaving them with their father. I know it can mean finding the time between breast feeds if a baby won't take a bottle, but that isn't insuperable for most by six months.

phishy · 11/02/2022 12:46

Yes, a mother's place is in the home and at the very least, after 6pm! hmm

The point is don’t make plans if you can’t stick to them.

rambleonplease · 11/02/2022 12:47

@DijfunvKd I think if she asks again about going for drinks or a nice meal together then I'll just say something like 'perhaps another lunch would be easier with the baby?' or something like that.

Yep I would do that and make it clear to her that you're happy to wait until she's ready for an evening out for just the 2 of you.

Original poster

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:47

@Somethingsnappy

You've said the baby is breastfed, OP. So how do you imagine the baby will be fed if not with her mother?

That's for her to worry about, not me. Although the obvious answer is by DF expressing her milk.

If the baby cannot be fed without her being there, then why arrange plans which involve her not being with the baby?

OP posts:

phishy · 11/02/2022 12:47

@SickAndTiredAgain

RTFT

Soundwave · 11/02/2022 12:47

@Hangthetowels

Yes, but I'm also presuming that you weren't arranging to go out out during that time either? Which her friend is doing.

Sausagesausagesausage · 11/02/2022 12:47

I leave my 16mo all the time. With his dad. It's not just mums who can parent you know.

I'm with you OP, she's clearly trying to cling onto her old life but it doesn't work and I'd be annoyed if I'd planned for an evening out and suddenly had to help entertain a cranky baby. I'd just stick to quick lunches and coffees until she's out of this stage.

BoodleBug51 · 11/02/2022 12:48

I get what you're saying OP. It's the fact you're not getting her attention even for an hour ....... she's focused on the baby.

I had a friend who I'd meet up with, and 99.9% of the time she'd bring her kids. I wouldn't mind, but I'd left mine at home to get a break... not listen to "sit down, no don't touch, no you can't have that" and then the inevitable whining and playing up. It wasn't relaxing or enjoyable and we'd have been better off speaking on the phone. She was also one of those who dropped the kids off with her mum at the drop of a hat so it wasn't that she didn't have childcare.................. I just took it on board that she wasn't that bothered about us meeting up, so let it slide.

SickAndTiredAgain · 11/02/2022 12:48

her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that.

Because the baby doesn’t rely on his nipples for food?

Lindy2 · 11/02/2022 12:48

Her priorities have changed - understandably so as she is now a mother.

Baby is breastfed so she goes where mum goes. Your friend is trying to fit in meeting you but while meeting her baby's needs too.

I would say sticking to lunchtime meet ups is probably best. You'll not get an evening out, of the type you're hoping for, for quite some time yet. Baby will be properly solid food by 1 years old but then potentially your friend may be thinking of baby number 2.

You can still be friends obviously but the stage you are in life and the things you do are currently at very different stages.

TabithaHazel · 11/02/2022 12:48

I think your friend is being unreasonable for arranging things with you she knows she can't really do, and then not letting you know until the last minute. Although when my kids were around the 6 month mark I would definitely leave then with DH for a couple of hours to meet a friend and they were exclusively breastfed so I'm not sure why she won't meet you on your own for a little while. Is she particularly anxious regarding her baby?

OperationDog · 11/02/2022 12:49

Yes, a mother's place is in the home and at the very least, after 6pm!

Totally missing the point.

MabelsApron · 11/02/2022 12:49

Another thread that makes me glad I only have childless friends now. Your friend could well be like this forever - I lost a few of my parent friends to the “we can’t go anywhere that wouldn’t be enjoyable for DCs 1, 3 and 5” brigade.

You’ll need a hard hat on here but God it was tedious dealing with this for years, I feel for you!

Soundwave · 11/02/2022 12:49

@Monopolyiscrap

And the realities of breastfeeding is why I did not do it with my second. Easier my arse.

I think the same TBH. But it's not popular on MN. My first baby was hard enough. If I couldn't leave him with someone else for a couple of hours for a break or to get some sleep, I would quite frankly have committed suicide.

fejkalove · 11/02/2022 12:49

@DijfunvKd
Curious to know how many times she's made plans with your for time without the baby and then brought the baby along? Perhaps something came up last minute or she suddenly panicked about leaving the baby?

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