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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 12/02/2022 23:13

@username1293948

I assume you don’t have children?
This is quite condescending. I have a toddler and one on the way. I agree with OP. OP isn't saying dont meet up just why organise things that are less child friendly and why no meeting up without the baby at all. That isn't unreasonable or something only those without children can think. I have a perfectly capable DH. I wouldn't arrange an evening drinks or meal and bring my baby I'd organise it for when DH was home and have quality time with my friend. OP isn't saying she wants this every week or anything and is open to coffee shops with baby but a bit of one on one time with a mate is good for everyone.
RachelGreeneGreep · 12/02/2022 23:15

@BadNomad

I just want to know if you bought the dress?
Me too.

And can you book a spa day?

Fem1985 · 12/02/2022 23:16

“ If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?”

This part of your post above spoke to me. Maybe she doesn’t have the support from her partner or family to leave the baby and is being let down ? Maybe she is putting a brave face on it ?
It definitely can be hard to leave a baby but with support could well be achievable for an hour or so x

RachelGreeneGreep · 12/02/2022 23:16

@EmmaH2022

BrightYellowDaffodils

I nearly suggested t shirts but then thought that might be too close to the horrors of a hen night...

I see the lack of reading comprehension continues.

Should we have "cancel the cheque" on the back of the t shirt?

Oh count me in please!
saraclara · 12/02/2022 23:17

@Jobsharenightmare if you're going to comment on a thread that's already had 950 replies, it makes sense to at least click the 'see all' (OP's posts) button at the end of the OP.

When making an OP we put as much info as we think people need at the time. But then people reply with far more questions, and make false assumptions that the OP then has to come back to explain.

Frankly it's worth clicking 'see all" just so that you don't look an idiot by saying something that the OP has already covered, or making an assumption that she's already said is incorrect.

MrsSugar · 12/02/2022 23:18

You don’t really sound like a great friend and sound very immature. I’d drop you like a stone if I was ur friend

ToykotoLosAngeles · 12/02/2022 23:19

@MrsSugar

You don’t really sound like a great friend and sound very immature. I’d drop you like a stone if I was ur friend
No loss.
slightlysnippy · 12/02/2022 23:20

@username1293948

I assume you don’t have children?
I have two children and It would annoy me too.
T00Ts · 12/02/2022 23:29

@Jobsharenightmare

So much hate for women who can't/don't want to express on here! (Not from OP).

I didn't want a break from my first baby. When you've waited years and years for them maybe it's different. I wouldn't have made plans in this way though and think your response was fine OP.

Some of the thread police are in force I see. People don't have to read all the updates, as much as it infuriates some posters.

I didn't want a break from my first baby. When you've waited years and years for them maybe it's different

I just can’t believe someone actually wrote this. This fucking place…

ChristmasCrackered · 12/02/2022 23:30

I can’t get over how much interaction you have had with this friend over the last 6 months, given she lives far away and has a new baby.

She won’t reliably be able to have dinner with you soon, just tell her not to be silly if she tries to arrange it again. If she could get away she’ll be thinking about the baby the whole time anyway. Wait another 6 months.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2022 23:31

OP has put up with these constant changes and her friend not listening to a word she says or showing the slightest bit of interest in her for six months. I think she's been an exemplary friend. And indeed she has asked about the DH anyway.

@saraclara
Sometimes when someone is used to being the centre of a friend's attention it is a huge shock and surprise when someone else comes along, and what would to an outside observer look like normal motherly interaction with her baby starts to feel like constantly being ignored.

Yes, the OP has talked about the DH. Very often, women who are getting the short end of the stick from their husbands don't open up about it. It's a hard thing to talk about. It feels like admitting a huge mistake, like admitting you, a grown adult who is competent and educated and articulate whose life should really be well under your own control, are a powerless numpty.

She does know that the H spends a lot of his time out socialising, and that should be cause for worry about her friend, but instead it only sparks the very naive and self-absorbed question - why doesn't she get to do that so I can have fun with her?

Rachie1973 · 12/02/2022 23:37

@LoisLane66

I always put my children (WHEN they were children) above anything and everyone else and that was my choice.
Congratulations. Have a banana.
Rachie1973 · 12/02/2022 23:39

@EmmaH2022

saraclara we can have a Thoughtless Flibbertigibits night out! 😂
Can I come. I’ll leave the kids with Pennywise. I’m that desperate lol
Feedingthebirds1 · 12/02/2022 23:41

I'm glad the OP has a sense of humour as demonstrated by her other thread, because it's nothing to do with me and I want to bang my head against a brick wall.

PS If you're ordering t shirts I'm a size 10.

saraclara · 12/02/2022 23:47

@Feedingthebirds1

I'm glad the OP has a sense of humour as demonstrated by her other thread, because it's nothing to do with me and I want to bang my head against a brick wall.

PS If you're ordering t shirts I'm a size 10.

Yep. I can't believe how much I've over-posted in this thread. I just find myself unable to ignore the pious, patronising posters who are entirely devoid of any ability to read and comprehend OP's posts.

I'd love to be able to ignore their posts but I just can't. OP deserves a medal.

Now when do we go out and get drunk, fellow Flibbertijibits?

CelestiaNoctis · 12/02/2022 23:51

Nah I have 2 kids and that's annoying. If I couldn't leave my baby I'd just say I can't make those things right now, but wish I could, but we have to do child friendly things and be super apologetic cos I know other peoples kids are annoying.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 12/02/2022 23:52

Now when do we go out and get drunk, fellow Flibbertijibits?

Can I put in an early vote for not a Wetherspoons?

saraclara · 12/02/2022 23:59

@BrightYellowDaffodil

Now when do we go out and get drunk, fellow Flibbertijibits?

Can I put in an early vote for not a Wetherspoons?

Goes without saying!
LuckySantangelo35 · 13/02/2022 00:21

@Jobsharenightmare
Did you literally never have nor want a break from
your baby though? You were with them 24/7 day after day? How?

LizzieW1969 · 13/02/2022 00:48

YANBU, I can understand why you find this annoying. I’ve always appreciated child free time with friends, though as my DDs (now 12 and 9) are adopted my experiences will be different from those mums who have breastfed babies. (I can relate to the guilt, though, as my DDs have attachment issues.)

And thankfully for me, my DH is very hands on and has never had an issue with me meeting up with friends and has never let me down last minute (which I suspect the friend’s DH might well be doing).

Ultimately, only you can decide whether this friendship is worth persevering with. As other posters have said, this phase will pass.

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/02/2022 00:49

YANBU OP but I do hope you’re friend’s DH isn’t a secret cunt, many are good at hiding it and so are their wives.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 13/02/2022 00:56

I couldn’t have left my babies at that age at all as they were breastfed. I mean, couldn’t have left them at all.

MabelsApron · 13/02/2022 01:15

I didn't want a break from my first baby. When you've waited years and years for them maybe it's different.

Oh, yes. You definitely love your children more than all of those careless people who got pregnant quickly. Well done you for being a better mummy than them!

MabelsApron · 13/02/2022 01:16

I don’t drink but hopefully I can still be an honorary night out Flibbertijibit?

Feel like I’ve finally found my MN tribe!

Flickflak · 13/02/2022 02:10

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