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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:

theleafandnotthetree · 11/02/2022 12:58

@HangOnToYourself

I think you should cut her some slack while the baby is so young as it can be very hard to leave them more than a few hours if breastfeeding

But then she needs to stop making these half assed 'neither one thing nor the other' plans with the OP. Stick with the super child friendly lunches and coffees for and then when she's ready, leave the baby at home and have a proper evening out. Or not. She is being pretty dismissive of the OP's time in continuing to arrange things which end too early or are overly child centered.

Flippydip · 11/02/2022 12:59

6 months is definitely old enough for her to be without her child, breastfed or not. YANBU. I have a child myself but she shouldn't expect you to want to hang out with her baby. I agree with a PP idea - everytime she suggests bringing her child, rearrange for another time.

savethecactus · 11/02/2022 12:59

I get your point OP. I have kids but I am not really interested in babies, so I struggle with showing interest beyond polite chat about sleeping, etc. But babies at 5-6 months old often need feeding a lot (and may still be exclusively breastfed and not yet on solid food), so it can be very hard to leave them, practically and emotionally. But they change rapidly, so I'd try to be as tolerant as you can, and your friend will probably find it much easier to do things without the baby over the next few months. Hopefully she will appreciate how flexible you have been and value your friendship all the more.

Dishwashersaurous · 11/02/2022 12:59

Probably just simpler to tell her no next time she asks for an evening out. Tell her that you are happy to see her with the baby, or without. BUT you don't want to make plans and then change them at the last minute.

IsItiOrAreTheOthersCrazy · 11/02/2022 13:00

YANBU but if you like your friend, I think you need to say something.
It would be so easy for this to spiral into resentment (from you) and frustration (from her) but a simple conversation could solve this.
Maybe she really intends to meet up with you for some drinks and her OH kicks off and stops it, maybe the baby just will not settle, maybe your friend is well aware that this is frustrating you and keeps making these plans because she thinks it's what you want but for some reason then can't carry them through. You'll never know unless you ask.

It's completely fair that you're frustrated now. I've had something similar, and (sorry to a lot of the parents here) babies are generally cute but boring and it's fine to accept less contact with a friend or a change in dynamics until baby can be left.

Original poster

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 13:01

@BoodleBug51

I get what you're saying OP. It's the fact you're not getting her attention even for an hour ....... she's focused on the baby.

I had a friend who I'd meet up with, and 99.9% of the time she'd bring her kids. I wouldn't mind, but I'd left mine at home to get a break... not listen to "sit down, no don't touch, no you can't have that" and then the inevitable whining and playing up. It wasn't relaxing or enjoyable and we'd have been better off speaking on the phone. She was also one of those who dropped the kids off with her mum at the drop of a hat so it wasn't that she didn't have childcare.................. I just took it on board that she wasn't that bothered about us meeting up, so let it slide.

Yes, exactly this. I don't think I've spoken one single word to her about me or my life since the baby was born, because every single time I see her, she's ignoring me and looking at the baby. Totally fine even if very annoying and boring at first, but six months later, even if the baby is happy and content and just sitting nicely in her pram, if I begin talking then DF will stare at the baby and cut across me with 'aren't you cute?? You are! Are you happy sitting there?' and then I feel I have to join in with the admiration.

It's really frustrating.

OP posts:

WheelieBinPrincess · 11/02/2022 13:02

Oh good OP what you’ve just described sounds insufferable.

SemperIdem · 11/02/2022 13:02

My friend is like this with her (now 1 year old) baby. In part it’s because she has got a bit of “first woman to ever have a baby” syndrome (yes I have a child myself) but even more so it is because her partner is a useless twat who can do nothing of any use with the baby. The one and only useful contribution he has made to parenting was his sperm.

So whilst it does irritate me sometimes, I am mindful that things are not rosey at home.

moose62 · 11/02/2022 13:02

I think you are going to be the one to say "perhaps we should stick to lunches from now on". I can see both sides completely and understand that it must be frustrating to plan things knowing she will change it all at the last minute. Not her fault, babies are demanding but I get that she should be honest about it.

cadburyegg · 11/02/2022 13:03

I think both of you are being a bit unreasonable. Some babies don't take well to bottles and some mothers struggle expressing milk. I never got on well with a breast pump and then my babies never drank it anyway. So i couldn't leave them for any length of time at 6 months, and actually it was closer to a year that I could leave them in the evening. So it's probably more difficult than you think for her to leave the baby.

That being said, having a baby there totally changes the dynamic and YANBU to be annoyed that she often brings the baby when your initial plans didn't include them. I agree with the suggestion above of rearranging every time she says she will have to bring baby. And maybe stick to just arranging lunches and coffees rather than evenings for now. I wouldn't take a baby out for the evening to meet a friend, I just accepted there were things I couldn't do when they were that age.

Blueroses99 · 11/02/2022 13:03

Sounds like the issue is the last minute change of plans - going from child free night to evening with child. I don’t think you are being unreasonable OP, it is frustrating to be let down at the last minute rather than understanding the parameters upfront and planning around them. Stick to lunch/daytime activities for now. If you arrange nights out, you’ll get stuck in the same cycle until the child is older.

I wouldn’t have dreamt of making my friends change plans last minute around my baby as a regular thing.

Pembertonrd · 11/02/2022 13:03

[quote WheelieBinPrincess]@Hangthetowels I’m so sorry you had such an unsupportive partner and family that you couldn’t leave your BABY with them at all until they were 15 months, that must have been tough.[/quote]
My thoughts exactly.
There's a lot of mummy martyrs on here.
I wouldn't impose my baby on a night out with childless df.
She needs to be honest.
I have a 2 hour window, could we have an early curry somewhere would do it.

FazedNotPhased · 11/02/2022 13:04

YANBU.

I've also had friends who insist nothing will change or has changed, and it's so irritating. Acknowledge things are different and adjust accordingly, don't tell me we can go to the pub 'just like before' and then spend the whole time talking to or about your baby, and leaving after 45 mins.

And don't even get me started on the constant baby chat. Know your audience! SO TEDIOUS.

blyn72 · 11/02/2022 13:05

I think it is a good idea to take babies to restaurants and stuff like that, when I have holidays on the continent in the past it was quite the norm; nobody left babies behind and venues were accommodating. However I understand your desire to have an adult-only evening out with your friend.

The baby in this case is still very young and things will change as she gets older (though of course your friend may have another one in a couple years :-) ). In the meantime, limit your evenings out with her, stick to lunch times/day time if you can.

Most of us who are parents were much the same as your friend when our children were babies, you just have to accept it and you may be a mum yourself one day.

Somethingsnappy · 11/02/2022 13:05

@Flippydip

Really? And how should the baby be fed then? At 6 months, solids are very rarely properly established yet.

SarahBellam · 11/02/2022 13:05

@Hangthetowels

You are literally so unreasonable. I wouldn't have left my baby with anyone under 15 months or so just to meet a friend. It's her BABY!!! I'm guessing you have absolutely no idea what it's like to be a mother?

Get a grip. That’s not the problem. The problem is that she’s saying she wants to go out but then shows up with the baby, so they have a boring conversation about the baby and then go home early. Really, the only people seriously interested in a baby are the parents and maybe the grandparents. The odd time for a coffee is fine, but I’d rather chew off my own arm than sit in a Wetherspoons drinking orange juice and having to coo at a baby. OP, you have to expect that for the next year or so you will not be having wild nights out with your friend while she is breastfeeding, and things will not quickly if ever go back to the way they were. She is probably desperate to get out of the house and do something that feels a little bit adult so if you want to see her you will have to suck it up for a bit. It will get better, and you’ll be grateful you stuck by her when you start having kids. She will appreciate it, and she’s probably very grateful for the evenings out.

aloris · 11/02/2022 13:06

If plans are changing at the last minute then very likely what is happening is that her husband is saying he will watch the baby when she goes out, and then is not following through. I had this. It's not great, but it probably won't change. You can always hope, though.

Saltisford · 11/02/2022 13:07

I think she is probably torn between the responsibility of being with her baby 24/7, intensified buy the breastfeeding and remaining in touch with her former life and identity prior to becoming a mum (as I have felt since I had my son in the last couple of years). She probably thinks she is balancing this tremendously well by coming out in the evenings at all and doesn’t realise your thoughts.

Thinking back to many years ago when my then best friend had a baby relatively young, I felt just as you did and didn’t understand it at all. I wanted to know if the child would be present or not but felt rude to ask. Eventually we drifted apart as our lives were on completely different paths. I would say attempt to discuss it and share your angles of thought as otherwise you might end up in a breakdown of communication.

Miriam101 · 11/02/2022 13:07

@Hangthetowels

Wow. Does your baby have a dad? If so, was he not capable of looking after your child until they were 15 months old? If not, why did you have a baby with him? So many questions!!

Userblabla · 11/02/2022 13:08

@Hangthetowels

This is hilarious, are you a single Mum? Maybe I’m not getting the sarcasm? I breastfed both mine and left them both with their other parent regularly. From being tiny he’d take them out for a walk for a couple of hours or to show them off to his friends while I slept. Then brought them back for a feed. I also went out for meals etc alone!

gamerchick · 11/02/2022 13:08

I had friends like this. I always suggested going to the bingo, have a drink, a meal and maybe win some money. No kids allowed there.

greyinganddecaying · 11/02/2022 13:09

@Laiste

''If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that.''

Have you asked her, OP, why it is that she isn't getting any child free time?

Have you asked her if it's her choice, or if she's making plans and then her DH is pulling the rug out by announcing he's going out?

If you asked her, and she said she could leave the baby, but doesn't want to leave the baby because of x y or z then you could decide for your self if you are being unreasonable about your friend.

This was my initial thought - I wonder if she's planning time without the baby but her DH lets her down and refuses/finds a reason not to looking after the baby at the last minute.

Have you asked her about this?

busyeatingbiscuits · 11/02/2022 13:10

YANBU

I have lots of children, breastfed them, and never took any of them out in the evenings for drinks or dinner.
Neither did any of my friends!

I’d find it really odd to make plans to go for drinks and then someone turns up with a 6 month old.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 11/02/2022 13:10

Only accept lunch dates then, until the baby can be left with dad.

I can see both sides - neither of my two could be left till older as I couldn't express enough milk and neither would take a bottle either.

But I also remember, pre kids, missing adult conversation with friends who had young children.

It'll not be forever, OP. I'd maintain your friendship through lunch dates for the time being if I were you.

Laiste · 11/02/2022 13:10

@aloris

Yep i said this.

I really would have thought that as a friend the OP would have checked this out by now. If not out of concern for her friend then at least out of interest.

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