To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

It’s not a matter of being unwilling if she is breastfeeding. Are you very young op?

I think you should cut her some slack while the baby is so young as it can be very hard to leave them more than a few hours if breastfeeding

Well the baby is breastfed, eco h changes things as she might not take a bottle.

Some mums just do not leave their babies.

Mine is formula fed and we happily take a few hours break from each other of an evening occasionally. During the day, he goes where I go because there’s literally no one I can call on for childcare.

I don't think the issue is really that she brings baby everywhere. OP has said she's happy to meet for lunch, in the day etc. But if her friend is asking to go out at night, it's not unreasonable to presume that the baby will not be coming along in the evening.

Next time she asks for a night out, just be polite and say its probably not ideal with the baby, shall we do XY and Z instead.

@DijfunvKd I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as such - but you have to understand that it may not actually be possible for your friend to do what you want her to. And she may not want to 🤷🏻‍♀️

While my DS was breastfeeding, I couldn’t have left him even if I wanted to. He completely refused bottles. So leaving him with Dad for a few hours wasn’t an option. Second to that, even when we moved to formula when he was a bit older - I just found that I couldn’t relax when I wasn’t around him. Yes I could have gone and met friends alone if I’d wanted to at that stage but quite honestly, they’d have got a completely distracted ‘half-there’ version of me anyway because I’d always be thinking about the baby 🤷🏻‍♀️

Imagining how your life will be when you become a mother is very different to the reality of it when it happens for a lot of people I think.

I’m actually meeting friends for a dinner next weekend for the first time alone since I had my DS. He’s 16 months old 🤣🙈 obviously I’m really looking forward to seeing my girls, as always, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t absolutely dreading not being there to put him to bed for the first time 🤷🏻‍♀️

Under 6 months old is still really young, and very normal not to leave them at home much at that age.

When your friend asks to meet, just be really clear in communications with her so you know what to expect - "Yeah sounds great. Shall we make it somewhere child-friendly and make it an early one, or were you wanting a grown up night out?" Then you won't be annoyed by hoping for something different from what it ends up being. You will have adult nights out with her again, she's just not quite ready yet.

I couldn't and didn't want to leave him for hours.

So presumably you didn't make plans involving leaving him for hours?

I think you just need to accept if you meet her for the next while then it will be with the baby. The baby won't be a baby forever and hopefully as he gets older your friend will be more available and find it easier to leave him.

I can fully accept that for however long our plans will be lunch or coffee, or even the park or whatever. But planning nights out which morph last minute into staring at someone talking to a baby for an hour is something I just don't want to do.

Yeah OP I can understand your frustration, especially as you sound like maybe chilsfree yourself and given what your friend hoped for in pregnancy. However nothing can prepare you for how it feels when you actually become a mum - previous intentions go out the window! Her baby is her entire world right now and that's going to continue for a couple of years. Its much easier for dad to leave baby than for mum to leave baby.

Moving forwards I think you'll have to accept doing baby friendly activities with her for a while until she is ready to go solo. At that point you'll be worth your weight in gold for helping her get some me-time! Hopefully with some adjusted expectations you can continue this friendship with less frustration

I think she has a DH problem. If the baby is old enough to go to Wetherspoons she is old enough to be left with her dad for a few hours.

It’s no a case of being unwilling it’s a case of being able. The baby is reliant completely on her for all food and drinks. Babies have milk much more often than adults eat.

To be honest, I wouldn’t want to go out with someone who will just talk to their cute baby for an hour when I thought I was catching up with my friend. And I have a very cute five month old who I love talking to.

@DijfunvKd

I couldn't and didn't want to leave him for hours.

So presumably you didn't make plans involving leaving him for hours?

I think you just need to accept if you meet her for the next while then it will be with the baby. The baby won't be a baby forever and hopefully as he gets older your friend will be more available and find it easier to leave him.

I can fully accept that for however long our plans will be lunch or coffee, or even the park or whatever. But planning nights out which morph last minute into staring at someone talking to a baby for an hour is something I just don't want to do.

Have you said to her why don’t we just do x, t or z as it will be easier for with the baby?

I think it would be kind to give her time. She probably wants to do the evening meals etc, but in reality it’s different. If you can, just be patient. It’s hard being a parent, especially the first time. She’s probably just muddling through imperfectly, like the rest of us. Trying to get back some of her old life, but it’s not so easy.
You sound like a lovely friend btw. I think she will look back one day and be very grateful you accommodated and supported her.

It sounds to me as if she is missing evenings out and doesn't want to give up on them, but logistics are defeating her at this stage. I would bear with her, because in another 6 months it will be easier to get out without the baby, and it seems to me she's making a pretty solid effort to maintain social contact.

She sounds dull as fuck. Or more appropriately, she is quite rightly besotted with her baby.

But it does sound extremely boring and I would start declining the invites.

I get this OP. A good friend of mine with dc similar age to mine (late teens) has just had a baby last year (16 year gap). She is very unmaternal and was very intolerant of other young dc, so she's literally the last person who I would have thought would want another. Anyway, she's very like your friend, every conversation is about the baby and it has massively changed the dynamics of the friendship. I don't want to meet up in soft play or baby sensory classes.

@heyitsthistle

I'm in the same situation as your friend. My DD is 7 mo and tomorrow I'm having my first girls night out and I'm both looking forward to it and petrified, and I'm leaving her with DH. I know I'm going to have to leave to come home to settle her, as she's basically still EBF and refuses a bottle and sleeps while feeding. Babies are generally more cranky in the evenings, so I can see why she'd prefer to bring the baby. The first year is tricky, so cut your friend some slack.

Just steer conversation away from baby chat!

I don't think you're acting like my friend though. You wouldn't suddenly announce that your baby was coming on the night out (presumably).

I hope you enjoy yourself!

@BeanyBops

Yeah OP I can understand your frustration, especially as you sound like maybe chilsfree yourself and given what your friend hoped for in pregnancy. However nothing can prepare you for how it feels when you actually become a mum - previous intentions go out the window! Her baby is her entire world right now and that's going to continue for a couple of years. Its much easier for dad to leave baby than for mum to leave baby.

Moving forwards I think you'll have to accept doing baby friendly activities with her for a while until she is ready to go solo. At that point you'll be worth your weight in gold for helping her get some me-time! Hopefully with some adjusted expectations you can continue this friendship with less frustration

Please don’t speak for all mums. For some of us we feel okay to leave our babies for a bit, and it doesn’t mean we love them less or aren’t as maternal.

@MyDcAreMarvel

It’s not a matter of being unwilling if she is breastfeeding. Are you very young op?

No, sadly I'm not.

YANBU. I have children and that would annoy me too especially asking if you want to go for a drink or meal in the evenings, if she knows she won't leave the baby with her partner then she knows it's unrealistic and shouldn't ask.

Cut her some slack and remind yourself it's a phase- if she's six months now presumably quite soon she'll start being put to bed around 7 or 8 which will hopefully mean your friend has her evenings to herself and will be able to go out without her (doesn't always work out quite like that though of course!!)

I would say this is temporary and it’s nice she’s still trying to make the effort. It won’t last forever, once the baby is a year she can leave her with her partner etc.

I would just say no to nights out. I can understand not being able to leave the baby- what would she say if you say something like once baby is eating food you will actually be able to leave them with dh and come to a decent restaurant with me which would be amazing. It’ll be good for him to do some solo care!

I don't think you're been unreasonable. All you are asking is for her to just stick to lunches and coffee dates with the baby and you and not book your free evenings for a baby free night out which then suddenly becomes with baby! She needs to wait until the baby is older and breastfeeding changes or she is ready to leave the baby.

Maybe she's really trying to keep her life be the same as it was before baby, like she had told you and is struggling with that. Possibly she could benefit from a friendly word to say it's ok, things are different now and that's fine and suggest she really wait a little longer before doing evening things together?

If you're good friends you need to cut her some slack and hang in for the long-term. That way you'll still be friends when her DC are older and she will find going out easier. It sounds as if she really wants things to be different but reality keeps getting in the way...

Maybe just suggest meeting for a juice with the baby in the first place, then you can make other plans for the rest of the
evening.