To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

@DijfunvKd

I did not go out with DF last night, I met someone else.

I replied to DF’s last message about the baby wanting to see me with ‘ah bless her! I was really looking forward to going to X, so I think I’m still going to go. Let me know if your mum can look after the baby for an hour.’

What did your DF say to that?

@Frozentoes2

So tempted not to bite.... but.....

The “you won’t understand until you have one” comment I made (gasps how terrible and outrageous, what an insult to every woman everywhere) is true! It was for me anyway.

I personally didn’t have a clue that a 6 month old baby would need to be breastfed every couple of hours, would REFUSE to take a bottle even if it was expressed milk, or that my baby would cry inconsolably if Dad tried to feed them a bottle of expressed milk whilst i was out. To all those who were breastfeeding and baby experts before they had their own, well fucking done but believe me, not everyone is. And to be honest it doesn’t sound like OP was from her opening post or she’d maybe be a little more sympathetic.

Ah. So of course you regularly insisted on making arrangements to go out baby free with your friends, insisting your dh would look after baby, and canceled/switched plans on your longsuffering friends at the last minute Every. Single. Time?

@needmoreshinys

but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that.

From my armchair detective position, based on this one sentence, I would wonder if there is more going on in her relationship, the dad not stepping up for example, not wanting her to go out.

Or is it possibe that she just doesnt want to leave the baby and didn't realise how much her life would change

I was thinking the same, if DH doesn't soon start doing his fair share, your friend will never get any help from him, he will see childcare as her responsibility. BF babies have nannies where the mother has to return to work and mother uses a breast pump. She will get fed up eventually and welcome a few hours baby free. My friend was like this until her 2nd then 3rd !! Now she makes sure DH babysits their children at least one night every two weeks

@EarringsandLipstick

My baby is 10months and won’t go more than an hour or so without me so she may well intend to see you without her but it might not be possible

10 months! 10 months! And can't go more than an hour without you? That's really not usual.

Many women are back at work when their babies are 10 months (I was). How do you think they manage?

I'm astounded by the amount of women here unable to leave their babies.

Oh cut out the faux astonishment, can you really not believe that different mothers and babies have different dynamics than you had/have? There is no set point at which someone ‘should’ leave their baby for a particular length of time. Surely you realise that what works for one family doesn’t work for another. Please don’t sneer at another parent for ‘not being usual’. Anyway that’s nothing at all to do with the OP, who is not being at all unreasonable. She rightly takes issue with her friend’s flakiness, not her ability to be without her baby.

Now she makes sure DH babysits their children at least one night every two weeks

Parents don't baby-sit their own children.

@MabelsApron

I didn't want a break from my first baby. When you've waited years and years for them maybe it's different.

Oh, yes. You definitely love your children more than all of those careless people who got pregnant quickly. Well done you for being a better mummy than them!

Yep. I "only" tried for 14 months. Guess that's why I'm such a #shitmum, having gone for a coffee by myself before he was 2.

Lunch etc fine for baby to be there

Planning evenings without baby, then bringing baby last minute - poor practice but I assume she wanted to then couldn't bring herself to leave baby

I would politely decline the evening ones and give the honest evening 'sorry when I keep my evening for you it ends up being changed last minute, understandable if you decide you can't leave DC, but I think it's better to do when baby is older and you are ready'

I don't think YABU.

The issue is that your friends idea of what her life is like just hadn't caught up with her new reality. It's hard leaving a small breastfed baby especially in the evening when they really need breastfeeding to settle. SHE needs to realise this and adjust her expectations.

She's not being fair to either you or herself but making these plans which she clearly can't stick to and the bringing the baby along. Babies are so boring I agree!

Life completely changes when you have a baby and so do the relationships around you. You aren’t as available as you used to be and it can affect you hugely mentally that you can’t just pop to the pub with your friends. Maybe she’s trying to hold onto the part of your relationship where she was herself not ‘someone’s mummy’. Does she have the support from her partner so she can go out? Ultimately before you have a kid then kid outings, parties, lunches etc. are boring but if you want the friendship to survive then suck it up; it’s a couple of hours of your day. It doesn’t last forever. If you know that evening meet ups are going to be hard then instead of making a big deal out of it talk to your friend? Make sure she’s ok? And adapt to the new normal for her. If you can’t or don’t want to then stop slating her and work out a way to deal with it.

I'm pretty sure it's a well known thing that friendships become strained when one person has children and the other(s) don't. Having a baby really is life changing and it is quite difficult to leave a breastfed child. It's not just about the baby either - when you skip feeds your boobs get really sore and uncomfortable.

This is just where she’s at right now🤷🏼‍♀️ There isn’t really a wrong or a right and certainly nothing you can do. Accept it, life will change again as it always does.

Your friend is now unfortunately a 'baby bore' and your relationship with her will be coloured this way for a long time.
My friend has one child, a Daughter, who's now 12, and she still just talks about her constantly. Her life consists of organising her Daughter's busy social diary. And boy it gets boring to listen to. Great Mother - but bores the living daylight out of me. I miss when I could have a really deep conversation with her. When we meet up she's constantly checking her phone and messaging her Daughter. And when I visit, she allows her Daughter to sit with us so it's hard to have an adult conversation. My hard hat is on. Just saying it like it is. We miss our friends who just get consumed by Motherhood.

I think the fact she lives a few hours away and was only born in August is why she has to bring the baby with her. That is not unreasonable at all. If she lived in the same area, she would be able to leave baby and pop out to meet you. What is a few hours. If it is 3 hours that is a 6 hour return trip plus the time to meet with some one. So the mum is not doing anything unusual here, and I can understand you wanting a catchup without baby.

Sounds like she is desperately trying to please you but can’t see it through. Her life, brain & body has completely changed and maybe you should put more emphasis on her needs for a bit. Why do you think she keeps making non baby plans? Because she knows that’s what you want. Read up on baby development, be genuinely interested, offer to watch the baby for a hour while she naps, take her round a home cooked meal. Throw yourself into her life for a bit and accept the changes. She can’t change but you can and if you value the friendship, this is what she needs right now.

@Islandgirl68

I think the fact she lives a few hours away and was only born in August is why she has to bring the baby with her. That is not unreasonable at all. If she lived in the same area, she would be able to leave baby and pop out to meet you. What is a few hours. If it is 3 hours that is a 6 hour return trip plus the time to meet with some one. So the mum is not doing anything unusual here, and I can understand you wanting a catchup without baby.

From the OP

she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

Yep. I "only" tried for 14 months. Guess that's why I'm such a #shitmum, having gone for a coffee by myself before he was 2. hmm

^ not at all, but lots of posters are critical of this woman not wanting a break and my experience was I just didn't want one in the evenings. I wanted to be there for all the cluster feeding and the bedtimes. When baby was an 18 month toddler and bedtime was a battle that certainly changed!

It doesn't make anyone shit either way but not wanting to leave your little baby is absolutely fine and shouldn't be looked down upon either.

'We miss our friends who just get consumed by Motherhood'

We do. And by the way, twelve years! You're a saint to put up with that for so long

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. I feel in a similar position myself. My friend and I coincidentally had babies within weeks of eachother. I saw her once on our own in 3 years and since she had her second she seems to not go anywhere without either child or her husband now not the best or wanting a catch up with friends.

OP, you are NOT being unreasonable. Your friend sounds completely oblivious to how her messing you around is affecting you.

I think you really need to speak with her. Now, since she seems unable to leave the baby to even have a normal conversation with you, do you think you can email her or text her? You need to be honest with her. Really honest, because you will end up blowing up eventually, the sooner you tackle this, the better.
Say something like 'I don't know how to word this to you, but since you've had the baby I feel like we haven't had an actual girls moment alone. Can you please get your DH to bottle feed/put the baby to bed, so you and I can finally have a catch up alone? While I am happy for you, all we do is sit and stare at the baby. I have not had an actual conversation with you one on one in 6 months. I'd love for us to catch up just the two of us without the baby present. Or, we could stop meeting up until the baby is nursery age if your DH won't look after your baby.'
I don't know, something along those lines. But you really need to nip this in the bud and now. Otherwise this will continue for the next 2 years. You need to post a long heartfelt email or text to her. She needs to know how this is affecting you. The sooner you do it the better.

Also, you might want to start thread two soon, since this one is almost full. :)

I sympathise OP, in all honesty when my kids were small i’d have given anything for some adult conversation that did not revolve around babies, but I know we are all different. Hopefully your friend will become a little less baby-focussed as time goes on. In the meantime I would stick to lunches, and just not make evening plans for a while if this is what happens every time. Well done for not just going with it last night and keeping to your own plans of an adult evening out, hope you had a good evening! The “baby wants to see auntie” routine when the baby is 6 months old is nothing short of emotional blackmail.

@mizfiesta

Your friend is now unfortunately a 'baby bore' and your relationship with her will be coloured this way for a long time. My friend has one child, a Daughter, who's now 12, and she still just talks about her constantly. Her life consists of organising her Daughter's busy social diary. And boy it gets boring to listen to. Great Mother - but bores the living daylight out of me. I miss when I could have a really deep conversation with her. When we meet up she's constantly checking her phone and messaging her Daughter. And when I visit, she allows her Daughter to sit with us so it's hard to have an adult conversation. My hard hat is on. Just saying it like it is. We miss our friends who just get consumed by Motherhood.

I wonder what she will do when the daughter is grown up and leaves home.

I'm waiting for her to have children and then I suspect we'll be bringing kids to everything all the time.

Do you have any idea how spectacularly stupid this comment is?

OP, YANBU!