Annoyed with friends/family...house purchase

[CocoCookieCream]

So we bought a good 4 bed house recently (in Sussex), after upgrading from a 1 bedroom flat (in a more expensive London area).

And some of the comments from friends/family make me furious:

-You must have got a hand-out from your parents.
-Must be good to have rich parents.

Also, it's not just the comments but some of the attitudes people have had when visiting. E.g. pointing out flaws, rolling eyes, nasty looks, veiled comments.

Has anyone else experiend this?

It's quite hurtful for 3 reasons:

1. I only wish friends/family well, and don't see their success as my downfall.

1. It took 10 years of saving, making money on the side, savings 50% of salaries, forgoing holidays/nice cars to be able to afford the house.

1. My/our parents are not rich at all. Since and even before buying the house, we are/were more well off than our respective parents by far. (But I guess no one knew/knows as we never spent/showed off our money, etc...).

I mean, why are friends/family such ***.

I voted YABU purely for the ‘drop in the ocean’ comment. I’m not jealous, but if you are expecting your family to be unconditionally happy for your good fortune, you need to acknowledge that one or many of them may be struggling financially that they’ve not told you about. Hearing you dismiss such a substantial sum of money as a drop in the ocean could be deeply hurtful to them and elicit the bitchy comments you are hearing, rather than jealousy.

I can relate - we moved from a tiny flat to a big house in a beautiful place. We are in our late 40s. A lot has gone into this. Some people are lovely - others are very obviously jealous and it’s really surprised me. One sister can barely speak to me and it’s been the nail in the coffin of an already difficult relationship. My cousins are wife just nodded and turned away angrily when shown a picture after we’d spent an hour admiring their new kitchen. Friends have said the odd thing. There’s nothing you can’t do really - it’s about them, but really sad. I’ve had much less than most for so long, why can’t they just be happy?

They are jealous and feel left behind. I was lucky with buying my flat, my parents gave me the deposit however I had spent my whole adult life until I was 32 living in shitty house-shares on a very low wage, it was only when I got a better job and sorted my personal life out that my parents helped me, I had to seriously down grade where I lived and had to move from leafy suburban city to grimy town in the top five worst places to
Iive!
I was pretty honest about this and the nasty comments only came from people who had sort of got used to my rubbish life! It shone a light on their own when it got better, also people who lived with parents and did not get that most single people on less than the average wage can’t really afford houses in fancy areas. The other really nasty comments came from a former boss who, had a healthy two income home but had the promise of a deposit from family removed for reasons unknown-I could sort of understand that. She was a cow in other ways, including making me work late the day I got the keys but it must have stung!

Hurtful to say unkind things about your new property but I’d let the comments about financial help slide. We had a similar amount of direct help from parents on our first property (£5k) and 15 years later are in a bigger property which we bought through damn hard work and saving…but the way I see it if my parents hadn’t helped fund and encourage me through Uni I wouldn’t have my law degree or the job I have now. So indirectly bank of mum and dad have helped a lot! Not everyone is in that position.

Yes , jealousy is horrible to witness . I had this situation with a relative whos first comment on our new house was -
‘you do know it’s haunted ?’
FFS
What a dick !

They're jealous OP. Good for you. Screw them

People are strange about others success. I never understand why as I'm only ever pleased for others.

I dared to buy a house before my best friend (who has a bit of a jealous streak. She's lucky she's completely lovely in every other way otherwise she'd have been gone years ago for some of her comments in moments of jealousy!). On her first visit round....

Your house smells like is has asbestos (it does not)
Your dishwasher is very small
There looks like there's something wrong with your roof (there wasn't)
Your wifi is rubbish (get off your phone then)
The décor is awful (no s*, it's a fix me up)

She later bought her own house, I was nothing but complimentary even though it was in the exact same state as my house when it was first bought.

Snide, jealousy, not nice. I had the same when I retired early, no one was happy for me, in fact some people went really odd when I told them and they have another 15 years of work.

It is jealousy. Well done on your amazing achievement!
We are currently saving for a deposit and have had a lot of set backs. Both in our 30s and still no where near what we need, but proud of what we have managed so far

Really pleased for you. The one thing that you haven't mentioned is that when your DC are grown up and leave home you'll be able to downsize and spend the money you saved when you were younger. It makes such a difference to own your own home mortgage free and I'm sure you'll get there in time to enjoy your profits!

100% jealousy. Try not to let it bother you.

We bought a much larger house recently, upgrading from a 4 bed to a 6 bed barn conversion in a nicer area. My dad walked into the house, laughed, then said "it's a bit ostentatious isn't it? People are going to bitch about you behind your back you know? Did you really need such a large house?" I was 😮😮😮

@mumoftinyterrors

100% jealousy. Try not to let it bother you.

We bought a much larger house recently, upgrading from a 4 bed to a 6 bed barn conversion in a nicer area. My dad walked into the house, laughed, then said "it's a bit ostentatious isn't it? People are going to bitch about you behind your back you know? Did you really need such a large house?" I was 😮😮😮

That's so horrible! It's jealousy, pure and simple. Hope you're enjoying your new house, sounds amazing!

My fil did this when we bought our home. It was always his dream that his two sons live together with their families forever but sil and I hate each other so it was never going to work. He kept pointing out flaws in his mind with the house until I said something along the lines of, ' gosh you're a Debbie downer aren't you?'

Some people get jealous or don't like to see others getting ideas beyond their station! Ignore, ignore, ignore. We had no financial help in buying our home, I saved the deposit and I scrimping and saved to do so.

Avoid the worst of these friends and let the minor comments go over your head - people can't always hide their envy unfortunately.

@SinisterBumFacedCat said what I was thinking much better. If your parents had put £3k towards a sofa or a wedding for you that would have been fine, you would have just bought your first place a few months later and would have been entitled to say you'd "done it all by yourself" but because they gave you £3k towards a deposit years ago that invalidates all the work you've put in to save for a property, what, more than 400 times that amount?

I can't believe some of the snide comments on here!
I've had posh houses, definitely NOT posh houses, some good areas, some less so, city, countryside & coast, all to suit what I or my kids needed at that time. Not for other folk to comment on!
Tbh I find it easier to keep friends at arms length. Home is my happy place, and I like to keep it that way! (For those picturing me in a mansion, I'm in the North & my little house is worth about 150K, paid for & loved!)
Enjoy your house, OP, you've worked hard for it, I hope every day there is a happy one. :-)

Thanks for your opinions guys. (Different user name)

The worst thing is that if this is what people say to your face, imagine what they say behind your back.

You will always have jealous friends /family. As long as you and yours are happy just smile at the envious and be thankful you don’t have their demons😂

I have one friend (not close) who does/did the same. Meanwhile her home is far from any standard she holds others to. It hurt me at the time, but I've come to see she suffers massively from jealousy and snide behaviour. We will never be close for that reason.

Now you've seen that side of people just move on but don't forget. It's unfortunate and you deserve kinder friends/family.

I wouldn't have paid £xxx for this flat.

Reply: "Oh well, lucky you don't have to then!"

Comment about 3 1/2 bedrooms

Reply: "Whatever!!2 Whilst looking incredulous!

In other words just don't rise, show hurt, try to justify!! That only fuels such unkindness, jealousy and resentment!!

And our respective friend and family circle/cohort decided to spend their earnings on BMW, Lexus, holiday abroad each year, takeaways, etc...whereas we didn't. That same friend just bought a £45k car on PCP which doesn't entirely fit on his driveway (facepalm)

You will always get thjis reaction from some people, when I was still teaching, OH teacher too, we went to the States with the children quite often and the comments I got were very snide, mainly from people who had expensive car loans, thought £150 on an average night out was normal etc. and liked to live from one overdraft to the next every month.
Enjoy the new house you've worked hard for.

@shavingthebadger
I'm in a very similar position to you. It really hurts when people spout rubbish like this💐

I’m sure I’ll be repeating someone else here but I’ve read this kind of thing on MN before. Basically, ‘friends’ who are showy/frivolous with their money, fancy cars etc assume you are less well off than them and must feed themselves some kind of narcissistic narrative around the dynamic of your friendship. Then when they realise you were actually just quietly smarter with your money, and you’re now openly enjoying the fruits of your labour, the rug is pulled out from under them. Maybe the uncomfortable realisation that you weren’t always in wide-eyed awe of them compounded by regrets around being silly with their own money.

Enjoy your new home and find some authentic friends to go with it :)

So rude

Crikey - just enjoy your new home OP. Ignore snide comments - just jealousy. You don't have to justify what you've worked for. I'd make it gorgeous and rub it in the faces of those obnoxious 'friends' - then id find new friends altogether.