Annoyed with friends/family...house purchase

[CocoCookieCream]

So we bought a good 4 bed house recently (in Sussex), after upgrading from a 1 bedroom flat (in a more expensive London area).

And some of the comments from friends/family make me furious:

-You must have got a hand-out from your parents.
-Must be good to have rich parents.

Also, it's not just the comments but some of the attitudes people have had when visiting. E.g. pointing out flaws, rolling eyes, nasty looks, veiled comments.

Has anyone else experiend this?

It's quite hurtful for 3 reasons:

1. I only wish friends/family well, and don't see their success as my downfall.

1. It took 10 years of saving, making money on the side, savings 50% of salaries, forgoing holidays/nice cars to be able to afford the house.

1. My/our parents are not rich at all. Since and even before buying the house, we are/were more well off than our respective parents by far. (But I guess no one knew/knows as we never spent/showed off our money, etc...).

I mean, why are friends/family such ***.

I had a friend who definitely would have made envious comments. She made snide comments about my car already.
-The friendship was on the wane anyway, but when we moved house I didn't forward my new address. I can't be bothered to deal with people like that.

Not with a house but with my car, my mum, one aunt and two grandparents died within a year of each other. I'm an only child on that side so the inheritance all came to me.

I like cars so after sorting out some debt and savings I decided to treat myself to a nice one.

Loads of people at work and on the school run have made horrible pointed comments about how it must be nice to be so rich as to throw money away on a stupid and impractical car. As I explained to one school mum today, if it were possible to hand back my car and all my inheritance in exchange for one last hug with my mum I'd do that in a heartbeat.

People are mean. Especially so when it comes to others having nice things.

@LadyFlumpalot I’m so sorry for your losses, that must have been so incredibly difficult for you.

But I agree with @SpidersAreShitheads. Well said.

So you think those comments are nasty? Try working 14 hrs a day , saving every penny you’ve earned, forgoing holidays and meals out and then choosing to send your child to private school. Then watch how much vitriol pours out of people’s mouths . Obviously if I’d taken a few more luxury holidays it would be just fine !

That’s just what happens when you have something nice or special. People can’t be happy for you !

In fact what you did was very smart and clever - good for you 🙌 Drop the nasty friends. This is a test that they failed.

@bindud

They sound strange particularly pointing out the flaws. Having said that I don't know anyone who has bought a property without family help & most have had help with additional purchases.

Congrats OP feel proud of yourself. to your new home.

@bindud We don’t know anyone who had help from parents with buying a house or car. Immigrant community although.

@randomcrapinmyhandbag

So you think those comments are nasty? Try working 14 hrs a day , saving every penny you’ve earned, forgoing holidays and meals out and then choosing to send your child to private school. Then watch how much vitriol pours out of people’s mouths . Obviously if I’d taken a few more luxury holidays it would be just fine !

That’s just what happens when you have something nice or special. People can’t be happy for you !

In fact what you did was very smart and clever - good for you 🙌 Drop the nasty friends. This is a test that they failed.

This … same for us. We finally made new friends …. Those who save and send their kids to prep. Few friends but happy with them. Find your own tribe

I had the same op three years ago. My sister accused me of stealing money from our father and refused to enter our new home.
Friends i had not seen for years got in touch to nose around the house.
We are in a similar position again and have offered on an expensive new home. We saved like you and have cashed in pensions to get what we want now we are free of caring responsibilities. I know the spite will come and this time they can feck off.

Jealousy is their problem….there are hints of jealousy from posters here too.

Yes, OP is lucky to be in a great position but it sounds like a lot of hard work was put in too. Plus OP sounds like she got her priorities right and maybe didn’t enjoy some other things in life (like holidays etc) in order to buy her home. So many of my friends often voice this nasty/jealous attitude towards people And they whinge about not being able to save for their financial goals but yet spend 10s of thousands on a wedding, buy takeaways and go on nights out regularly, have brand new cars and foreign holidays…you can’t have it all…

OP, it sounds like you are grateful for what you have. I hope you enjoy your lovely home and fuck the begrudgers!

I'm not sure why you are upset about people saying you've had help when you mention you did have help to buy the flat. The flat that you were then able to use the buy the house?

Regardless of what I thought of a friends house - I would never dare to comment in a negative way about it. The way I see it is that it’s their home. I think it’s highly offensive to make criticisms of peoples homes. As a friend I go to visit my friend for their company not their house. I have all sorts of friends - some massive mansions , some tiny small and tired. I have friends that actually apologise for their home and that makes me feel sad as I would hate for a friend to feel ashamed of where they live. Equally if a friend has a house they are proud of - why would not want to enjoy that with them? One of the best parts of friendship is enjoying your friends successes as well as the hard times. I just don’t understand why people would want to put that down. Of course it’s jealousy. I’m sure we can all get a bit jealous at times - but surely a good friend knows to check those feelings and not make their friend feel bad for something they have clearly worked hard for.

I'm sorry anyone is putting a downer on your new life that you've worked so hard for, don't let them kill your buzz- you should be super proud and OWN THAT SHIT!! Tell the eye rollers and negative nels you don't want their negative vibes in your new pad and to f off!

Jealousy, envy and negativity. From comments here too. Privileged to save half your salaries?! No you made choices, took opportunities, made sacrifices and probably had a bit of good luck which have all added up and paid off. Well done to you OP. I hope you have lots of happy times in your new home 🏡

It's called jealousy. My sister did the same with our house, going round sniffing and making no comment on the lovely views and spacious rooms (compared to our old house). Ditto in DH's new car, she pointed out a tiny flaw in the fabric of the seat. It's rather sad.

This is the sort of stuff folks will never "let you have" in the UK. In the US they are envious of your efforts, not your success, and would ask how you did that and can you show me how to do it. It is just cultural (no consolation perhaps) My best way was to just make up ever-so-slightly implausible stories about the money: a small win on the horses, the lottery, a work bonus, a distant cousin died, compensation from the council after many years following a trip. Then deny it and offer another slightly odd lie, or another one. It just confuses folks just a bit that they have to think for themselves. Another one would be to say "and all this on part-time working too! We are so lucky ... and leave the truth behind. They will take the house for what it is.

YOURS

I use the phrase "it is the up side of inheritance" and by the time the cogs have whirred long enough to get the meaning, the embarrassment has kicked in and then it is too long-a-pause for them to say "Oh I am sorry for your loss" So nothing more is said. Phew! And they feel a tiny little bit of an ass and we get to have a more equal conversation and I don't have to call them a wanker.

People are morons. We saved and leveraged and upgraded etc and finally ended up in a flat in the West End of London which we love. "How did you manage that? Did you inherit it?" was the most common response. The idea of deciding what you want and having a savings strategy that enables you to get it seems beyond most people's grasp. We still get "your flat is so small" (it's 750 square feet) and we could retort "it's big enough for us and at the center of the world, unlike your 3-bed house and garden in the middle of bloomin' nowhere" but we just smile smugly.

I feel your pain. I remember buying my first flat by myself in London after saving for over a decade and my friend who lived in a lovely 4 bed in Surrey, pointed out all the flaws in my new home what she didn’t like. It was incredibly hurtful. More so as her “‘success’ on the property ladder came via her banker husband and his salary as she’d never bought on her own.

Yes I had this too but just from one 'friend' thankfully. Not so much the lucky comment but putting the house down. We were able to buy a much bigger house than we should because it was dated. Most my friends and certainly my family only saw the positives saying how lovely it will be and it was such a good buy etc. One came round and literally said 'ugh, I couldn't be bothered with all the work, doesn't it put you off'. The house isn't to my taste but it didn't warrant that response either and it really pi**ed me off. But they had just recently bought a similar sized new place in perhaps not such a good area and I think she was annoyed she was no longer the only person with a decent size house. I dont get it, I'm only ever pleased for my friends, I've been jealous as hell sometimes but I will tell them that and congratulate them as I did when she got her place

I used to put up with people being like this about things but now I would definitely just voice what I see: “You don’t seen happy for me.” Or, “That’s a bit unkind of you.”
Otherwise, nobody every tells them that their behaviour is unacceptably snide and rude.

Yeah i get what you mean. I have friends like this. Is it just me that thinks there is just no kindness in this world anymore?? Feels like most people are just competing with each other. Chasing 'likes' and being jealous of what they don't have.

I have no answers but i agree x

You sound smug and self-satisfied, as if you have done better than your friends & family who have chosen to do things differently to you.
Are you jealous of them because you missed out on fun holidays while you were saving 50% of your salary?

Not nice at all to critise your new home.
They are probably jealous and
I suspect they are curious about how you've made such a big leap on the property ladder.
It's none of their business but the sake of clearing things up I would have just said that we are fortunate to be on good salaries and have been saving 50% of our income for years to afford this- no help from parents.
It is unusual to be able to save such a large percentage of take home pay and if you've been living frugally it's probably come as a but of a shock to everyone the kind of property you can afford .
Enjoy your new home

I have had friends in the past who have actually told me off for saving regularly! People are mad if they do not. Assuming first they can afford it of course.

Just enjoy your home, and accept that there are many people, family or friends, who will have these sort of mindsets, and say rude and odd ball comments all the time about lots of things.

Oh, i have this exact same thing. It's so frustrating.
Everything i have, I've worked my arse off for and earned myself. I've never had any handouts from anyone.
"If you can't afford it, don't buy it" is how ive lived my life. I've never had a credit card, & the only 'finance' I have outstanding is my mortgage.
If I needed something specific, I'd work extra and save for it.
But most family and one particular 'friend' have nothing good to say about any of it.
I remember this one friend walking into the house I'd just bought, (id not even been in a month) and saying "oh, well it's a bit small isn't it. And you should probably redo the bathroom because that floor is hideous"

Yeah... cheers

So I feel your pain with this.

It's honestly just jealously that you've managed to do something and make something of your life.

Sod everyone else. Be happy, and enjoy your new home. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone!

Some here say "...lucky to save 50% of earnings" and "...most could not afford it without parents help".
I say it is nobody's business how you did it and you should focus on why you feel guilty and work on that. When people criticise use immediacy and nip this rudeness in the bud. It has It's roots are jealousy.
Because you don't set boundaries on them, you have invited this rude freedom of expression and judgmental attitude.
Enjoy your home and never explain yourself to so called friends to the point that you feel so bad that you're explaining here.
Never apologise for what you have worked for or your good fortune ❤🍾