Annoyed with friends/family...house purchase

[CocoCookieCream]

So we bought a good 4 bed house recently (in Sussex), after upgrading from a 1 bedroom flat (in a more expensive London area).

And some of the comments from friends/family make me furious:

-You must have got a hand-out from your parents.
-Must be good to have rich parents.

Also, it's not just the comments but some of the attitudes people have had when visiting. E.g. pointing out flaws, rolling eyes, nasty looks, veiled comments.

Has anyone else experiend this?

It's quite hurtful for 3 reasons:

1. I only wish friends/family well, and don't see their success as my downfall.

1. It took 10 years of saving, making money on the side, savings 50% of salaries, forgoing holidays/nice cars to be able to afford the house.

1. My/our parents are not rich at all. Since and even before buying the house, we are/were more well off than our respective parents by far. (But I guess no one knew/knows as we never spent/showed off our money, etc...).

I mean, why are friends/family such ***.

At the end of the day, so fucking what if you had £3k help for your first deposit. It’s hardly worthy of the ridiculous assumption that you are on a level with an Old Etonian.

If you are going to call this privilege you could find privileges anywhere that unfairly hinder others. Not suffering from a chronic illness that stops you from fully committing to a well paid career? Privileged. Male and earning much more? Privileged. Not unable to work full time due to caring for a loved one? Privileged. Don’t have a parent with a progressive neurological disease whose house has to be sold to pay for nursing/residential care? Privileged.

I hope one day I will be secure enough to help out my DC’s with their deposits. Housing has become so stupidly unaffordable for most that of us it’s turning friends against each other like this. I suppose these critics could vote against governments who refuse to act on housing inequality. They won’t though.

Jealousy is more widespread and hidden than you think - then when a major event happens - you find out what people are like.

I guess OP you are disappointed in them as you want them to share in your happiness at finding a new house, saving up for so long, going without the holidays, cars, takeaways etc etc - but instead you have got barbed comments.

What point is there having them in your life? Do you think they will share in your joy over the next happy event in your life - eg a new baby, career change, promotion, pay off mortgage, renovation etc etc

Far better to have fewer friends who don't care about the size of your house or bank account and who genuinely care about you are genuinely happy for you.

My estranged dsis is snidely critical of virtually anything I’ve had or done yet she is married to someone who thought I was mad being a nurse because he ‘wouldn’t get out of bed for anything less than £120k pa tax-free’.
I have worked bl... hard all my life for our modest 3 bed, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Also, it's not just the comments but some of the attitudes people have had when visiting. E.g. pointing out flaws, rolling eyes, nasty looks, veiled comments

I have honestly never had anyone in my house who has done any of those things. My friends and family are nice!

If they did, I would never had them back again! How bloody rude!

We’re the same.

We’ve both got good jobs, have made investments that have really paid off & live pretty frugal lifestyles - ie sharing a 12 year old car that we bought up front.

We could be mortgage free on a 450k house through no help from parents/inheritance, but it’s not something we ever talk about.

I have one extended family member who is jealous and makes arsey comments, so with her I just say “yeah we’ve got good jobs and we’re loaded” but the rest I ignore.

The only answer is to cut right back on contact.
Stop inviting them round.
These are not your friends.
As for family cut back too, you really don’t need to be include contact at all, unless they are doing you a huge favour and providing free childcare in your own home. Then you will have to decide how much of what they do for you is worth it.

I really don’t understand anyone who keeps people like this on their life, I cut them out.
And no if it’s your bil for example , you do not have to see him.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

At the end of the day, so fucking what if you had £3k help for your first deposit. It’s hardly worthy of the ridiculous assumption that you are on a level with an Old Etonian.

If you are going to call this privilege you could find privileges anywhere that unfairly hinder others. Not suffering from a chronic illness that stops you from fully committing to a well paid career? Privileged. Male and earning much more? Privileged. Not unable to work full time due to caring for a loved one? Privileged. Don’t have a parent with a progressive neurological disease whose house has to be sold to pay for nursing/residential care? Privileged.

I hope one day I will be secure enough to help out my DC’s with their deposits. Housing has become so stupidly unaffordable for most that of us it’s turning friends against each other like this. I suppose these critics could vote against governments who refuse to act on housing inequality. They won’t though.

Thanks - agreed.

House prices are crazy, hopefully won't go any higher.

Related question though.

Are there any other parents here that want their children to stay with them in the family house? And/or considered buying a multi/generational home?

There is a lot of envy out there. Many in London have to live in flats and can only dream of a house. I had a similar reaction when I used to live down there and upgraded to a house.

OH had his own business, one acquaintance wife snootily said she had bought our house I was baffled at this what she meant was paying OH for services rendered meant she had contributed. OH went mad, checked their account well in arrears and hit them with a final demand before court action

1. ignore them

2 . ignore them

1. Ignore them

Wouldn’t your family know whether you had rich parents / likely to receive handouts? Strange comments coming from family, are they very distant family members?

As to friends, well make nicer friends. I have literally never encountered friends like this. I am sure you can do better.

Envy is the thief of joy.

They just sound a bit jealous.

You are spectacularly privileged if you saved 50% of your salary and clearly very unaware if you said that fact so casually

I have worked 30 years as a teacher and have £143 a month after my bills are paid so it would take me a while to save up

Most parents will not be able to find ££££ to give their kids so again you were v v b unusual and also v unaware of how unusually lucky you are

You have come across v unaware here to strangers so maybe. You have been more gauche on family forums ? so I guess it’s people wanting to point out the obvious facts to you gently so you stop being so in sensitive perhaps ?

They aren’t friends OP. Every house is always going to be different peoples tastes.. but you don’t point it out. Just ignore them and enjoy your house.

When I bought my first house my best friend came to look, she took one look at the lime green, yellow and orange wall paper in the hall and literally just laughed for a full 5 mins.. never said anything.. the next day she dropped round a wall paper steamer and a bottle of wine so we could strip it together that weekend.. wasn’t a dig but just being a good friend as she could tell I hated it.. it was the most horrific wallpaper on the planet tbh tho..

Yes plain old jealousy!

Enjoy your new home.

People can be horrible over the most exciting of things. The first thing my mother said when I got engaged was ‘oh the ring doesn’t look as big as it did in photos’. Bitch!

@Aprilx

Wouldn’t your family know whether you had rich parents / likely to receive handouts? Strange comments coming from family, are they very distant family members?

As to friends, well make nicer friends. I have literally never encountered friends like this. I am sure you can do better.

We are somewhat close family I guess.

You would think they would know. I suspect they are just trying to put me down tbh, as they tend to be quite extroverted/gossipy in general, whilst I mind my own business and am introverted (not shy, just not chatty and by the book / genuine). And I struggle to think of a response on my feet.

@morningstarling think you are reaching a bit tbh. 3k years ago is a drop in the ocean on what I'm assuming (4 bed nice house in sussex) is prob worth nearly a million or more. Yes fine it shows that OP didn't do it completely herself but it's not the same as being given the whole deposit. If you're going by that then everyone who pays out for their kids driving lessons or gives them money for their uni accommodation or lets them live at home for a few months to save on rent is helping them out. 3 grand is what, a few weeks of private school? Its not the same level of privilege as tory millionaires ffs.

"hi cousin, you were right about that 4th bedroom.. Dh is adding some shackles in there for us a bit of fun at the week ends

"..

Even on this thread you can see the jealousy oozing out of people, with the comments about the fact that your parents helped you out with £3k in the early days, which you've said you could have easily raised the next month. Why people can't be happy for others I really can't understand, and yet I've lived with it all my life due to my sister and her jealousy. She used to copy everything I did, started as a teenager (she's older than me), when I'd buy a new top and she would go out and buy the same one. As we got older, and got our first houses, I would buy a new cooker so she would have to have a new one, and so it went on. Then to top it off, when we moved to our current home - in a really cheap part of the UK, from the south where it's VERY expensive, we were able to buy a lovely house, with second house in the garden which we use as a holiday let in order to get an income, our drive is so long that the house can't be seen from the road, and we have almost an acre of garden. We think how lucky we are every single day! My sister came to visit, and the moment she arrived she had a face like a slapped arse. They stayed in the 'luxury' holiday let free of charge (of course), but decided to leave earlier than planned. Before they left I asked what she thought of the place, her reply 'I don't like it', I asked what she didn't like, expecting her to say the remoteness, but no, she said 'I don't like any of it'. We moved here purely because I have health issues and need my OH at home to care for me, we are frugal in our household expenses, and only have a new car because I spend my mobility allowance on it, but her comments were pure jealousy, and now she wonders why we don't go and visit her!!!

Enjoy your new home OP and congratulations. Unfortunately, there are many bitter people in this world. Even on MN sometimes, it seems some cannot bear to hear of others doing well.

@nitsandwormsdodger

You are spectacularly privileged if you saved 50% of your salary and clearly very unaware if you said that fact so casually

I have worked 30 years as a teacher and have £143 a month after my bills are paid so it would take me a while to save up

Most parents will not be able to find ££££ to give their kids so again you were v v b unusual and also v unaware of how unusually lucky you are

You have come across v unaware here to strangers so maybe. You have been more gauche on family forums ? so I guess it’s people wanting to point out the obvious facts to you gently so you stop being so in sensitive perhaps ?

You don't know my circumstances growing up, what I had to study in my own time, how many jobs/overtime I have done, other issues I have had to overcome, ventures I have setup and failed, fortunes lost, etc... I did not have an easy/straight forward path at all.

I did not come into privilege I assure you. There is a reason why I am more than twice as well off than my parents at half their age (both in net assets and income), and that is due to shear hard work and determination, and not giving up.

I’m surprised by the people encouraging you to be offended further.

Honestly I don’t really get possession envy myself, but surely you bought your house because you want to live there and will have a happy life there.
If you bought your house because you wanted people in your life to be in awe of what you achieved materially then that’s a bit immature. Rise above caring, buy what you like, stop making yourself morally superior to people who bought cars/ take aways/ went on holidays. Those people were never going to look at your house and see the error of their ways that they enjoyed their own money, they didn’t make mistakes doing what they did you are different people.

Unfortunately some people have to disparage others to make themselves feel better.

Feel free to

It's because you've done something that hardly anyone has the willpower and discipline to do over such a long period of time. Well done!

Your friends and family are probably just a bit incredulous.