Annoyed with friends/family...house purchase

[CocoCookieCream]

So we bought a good 4 bed house recently (in Sussex), after upgrading from a 1 bedroom flat (in a more expensive London area).

And some of the comments from friends/family make me furious:

-You must have got a hand-out from your parents.
-Must be good to have rich parents.

Also, it's not just the comments but some of the attitudes people have had when visiting. E.g. pointing out flaws, rolling eyes, nasty looks, veiled comments.

Has anyone else experiend this?

It's quite hurtful for 3 reasons:

1. I only wish friends/family well, and don't see their success as my downfall.

1. It took 10 years of saving, making money on the side, savings 50% of salaries, forgoing holidays/nice cars to be able to afford the house.

1. My/our parents are not rich at all. Since and even before buying the house, we are/were more well off than our respective parents by far. (But I guess no one knew/knows as we never spent/showed off our money, etc...).

I mean, why are friends/family such ***.

@TicksallBoxes

It's because you've done something that hardly anyone has the willpower and discipline to do over such a long period of time. Well done!

Your friends and family are probably just a bit incredulous.

Thanks

Urgh for some reason my phone hates this thread!

I've been trying to say feel free to use the mumnet classic 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

Congratulations on your new hone.

Obviously home not hone!

Well in this country it’s apparently ok to be rude and spiteful towards people who have done well. The poorest people are the salt of the earth and the richer people are evil bastards.

In actual fact whether people are decent or bastards has nothing to do with how well off they are and there are plenty of decent people and bastards among both poor and rich.

Jealousy is a nasty trait! Congratulations for making sacrifices and saving hard… enjoy the home you have clearly earned and ignore the snide comments from ‘friend’s’.

I’d start cutting the people off though. If they are not happy for you, they don’t like you.

Ugh we had similar from friends. Despite being some of the youngest, we were the first in the group to get married, have proper established careers, settle down etc which meant first to buy a house, have a decent car (not just hand me downs) so there was sometimes a lack of positivity and celebration from them when we achieved something. It was jealousy and they tried not to show it, but whenever we pointed out something not so nice in the house that needed work they were veryyy quick to agree and add their own comments. I started to remind people "Hey we're the only ones that are allowed to say mean things about the house.." and they eventually stopped.

I had the same kind of thing happen to us after things started going better for me and my lifestyle changed accordingly. It's pathetic and from experience you're better off without "friends" like that. Congratulations on your new home!

You face palming about his car not fitting his driveway is pointing out a flaw in something he has purchased, just like he has with you. You all need to just get on with enjoying the things you've each chosen to spend your money on, and stop comparing yourselves to each other and thinking yours is the superior choice. It really doesn't matter as long as you're happy. If your friends are rude about your house, find a different social circle where this competitive culture doesn't feature.

You face palming about his car not fitting his driveway is pointing out a flaw in something he has purchased, just like he has with you.

But she isn't saying it to him, so it's not the same at all.

I heard via someone else that my 'friend' had made nasty comments after visiting us at our new home. It's envy, of course. But she spends all her cash on travelling. I dumped her as a friend eventually. You've made sacrifices and have achieved something. Well done! It's none of anyone's damn business whether or not you got help, and really BU to ask/comment. I think it's very rude to saying anything other than "It's lovely!" about anyone's new home.
The thing about buying an expensive car that's too big for the drive is hilarious!

Why don't you just say yes I must be but actually we didn't have any help - just saved and waited.

Just say that. End of convo.

Don't get upset. You've done well and got a fab house. People can be mean and jealous. Their problem not yours.

People can just be horrible sometimes.
I had similar..... a 'friend' did nothing but pick out the flaws in my house to the point where she suggested it was dangerous for my DS! We had chosen a character property in a sought after village whereas she had chosen a shiny new build on an estate on the outskirts.....her comments started when she discovered we'd paid 100k more for our house. Apparently she didn't realise we were so successful ( her words) .
I just put it down to jealousy.

Enjoy your new home!

I often tell my dh that I think we are so lucky to have a nice home and be financially stable.
He always reminds me that we were saving every spare penny in our 20's whilst our friends spent all their spare cash on drinking, cars, holidays and clothes.
My own dm was so jealous on my db's behalf when we bought our lovely home.
My db and his dw were terrible with money and my dm has no savings because they had the lot.

Ignore OP.
They're annoyed that you're not in the box they had placed you in their minds.

Practice pulling people up when they are blatantly rude, OP.

I imagine if people are this snidey about your house to your face, you're probably a people-pleaser / peace keeper.

No one really likes confrontation, but a few 'what do you mean? Why do you say that? In what way? How do? responses from you would make them less likely to think you're a walkover.

@Getoff

You face palming about his car not fitting his driveway is pointing out a flaw in something he has purchased, just like he has with you.

But she isn't saying it to him, so it's not the same at all.

Its all part of the same way of thinking though. Your choice is not as good as mine. Neither are happy for their friend's pleasure in their respective purchase, both are critical. The friend is just rude enough to voice it.

To be fair if you're sort of the person who thinks 3k of help is a 'drop in the ocean' I can see that you might be difficult to be friends with

I had this - got a big promotion in work and bought a large house.

I moved from a. Much smaller house in a worse area - my friend always delighted in looking down her nose at my house. When she came to see the new house she couldn’t say anything nice and only pointed out the very minor issues - like flooring I plan to replace anyway.

I am always pleased for everyone else and when she moved I even helped - and was so excited for her.

People suck

What I would do is when you hear them making a comment about the size of a bedroom or the cupboards in the kitchen or whatever, have a little chuckle to yourself and say (if you want to out loud but even just to yourself) "I never pegged you as the jealous type" and move on to a different conversation.
Or you could say to them "What do you mean by saying that you don't like the cupboard handles, you're not the one that's going to be living here and I really like them. Are you saying I have bad taste?"
Try and spin it around so that they are the uncomfortable ones not you.

Congrats on your place. May you have many long years of happiness there!

I felt sympathy for you until you started judging your friends’ choice of cars in comparison to your doing the right thing. Yes, I don’t see the point of expensive cars and would discourage my kids from it but you all sound as bitchy as each other tbh.

I did not come into privilege I assure you. There is a reason why I am more than twice as well off than my parents at half their age (both in net assets and income), and that is due to shear hard work and determination, and not giving up.

OP, although I feel duty bound to point out that depending on life circumstances, lots of people can work hard and don't give up and still end up with very little to show for it, I think you've had some quite unpleasant responses on here. Some posters sound quite bitter tbh.

I can relate to how your family/friends have been behaving. I live in a pretty large house which DH and I have only been able to afford because a) it's in an area where property's relatively inexpensive, b) the sellers had dropped the price for a quick sale, and c) my mum rents part of the house from us (part of the rationale behind the purchase was so my parents could live with us due to failing health). Even after these circumstances were explained to friends, some of them continued (and still continue, in some cases) to treat us like we've somehow turned into snobs just because we own a large property. It gets old really quickly and does offend me, because the people in question should know me and DH better than to think we'd ever turn into snobs for any reason. So I can definitely relate to your frustration.

nitsandwormsdodger
“You are spectacularly privileged if you saved 50% of your salary and clearly very unaware if you said that fact so casually

I have worked 30 years as a teacher and have £143 a month after my bills are paid so it would take me a while to save up

Most parents will not be able to find ££££ to give their kids so again you were v v b unusual and also v unaware of how unusually lucky you are

You have come across v unaware here to strangers so maybe. You have been more gauche on family forums ? so I guess it’s people wanting to point out the obvious facts to you gently so you stop being so in sensitive perhaps ?”

“You don't know my circumstances growing up, what I had to study in my own time, how many jobs/overtime I have done, other issues I have had to overcome, ventures I have setup and failed, fortunes lost, etc... I did not have an easy/straight forward path at all.

I did not come into privilege I assure you. There is a reason why I am more than twice as well off than my parents at half their age (both in net assets and income), and that is due to shear hard work and determination, and not giving up.“

Ah OP, I’m afraid I entirely agree with @nitsandwormsdodger on this.

No one said that you haven’t had to work for what you’ve got - that’s not the meaning of privileged in this sense.

You’re complaining about judgy family and friends yet you’re doing the same back to them. You’ve been extremely sneery about their spending and lifestyle choices on this thread.

I’m not suggesting that their comments to you are fair or accurate but your insinuation that anyone could achieve what you have is quite frankly insulting. You were able to put away 50% of your salary but according to you that’s because you got where you are by sheer determination and hard work. Good for you. Genuinely. But there are many people who also exhibit the same sheer determination and hard work - maybe even more so - but still barely manage to cover their bills. And that’s where you’re being unreasonable. You can’t see how lucky you are/have been to be in a situation where you could a) shrug off a £3k gift from parents as insignificant and b) make do without half your salary. You don’t seem to realise that for many people that will never ever be achievable. And we’re talking about very hardworking, intelligent people who bust a gut daily just to scrape by. You were in a very privileged position - whether you got there via your birthright or hard work is irrelevant. Many people won’t ever be in that position. You’re being grossly insensitive.

I’m sorry your family and friends were rude but I can’t say I love your attitude either I’m afraid.

I love Sussex so I'm happy for you.

I don't know why you're hanging out with the kind of people who give dirty looks and roll their eyes though - maybe get some new friends?

London flat owner. I made a mistake of posting on a foreign spouses Facebook group that I was a member of. There was a lot of negative feedback i.e. people saying I would never own a flat, flats were crime ridden hell holes, london was a cesspit of crime and children raised in London have very poor prospects, for that money you can move to the countryside etc.

I joined that Facebook group because I lived for a while in Europe with my DH who was doing his master's degree after graduating from university and this meant I was eligible for a visa issued under eu law (this was pre brexit). It took me a while to clock that the vast majority of people on that group were people who could never earn £18600 (the amount needed to sponsor a UK spouse) and would hence move to Europe for a while in order to be together with their loved ones! So I guess me saying that I could afford to buy a flat in London was not very sensitive and also their experience of living in a flat in London was probably very different!