Annoyed with friends/family...house purchase

[CocoCookieCream]

So we bought a good 4 bed house recently (in Sussex), after upgrading from a 1 bedroom flat (in a more expensive London area).

And some of the comments from friends/family make me furious:

-You must have got a hand-out from your parents.
-Must be good to have rich parents.

Also, it's not just the comments but some of the attitudes people have had when visiting. E.g. pointing out flaws, rolling eyes, nasty looks, veiled comments.

Has anyone else experiend this?

It's quite hurtful for 3 reasons:

1. I only wish friends/family well, and don't see their success as my downfall.

1. It took 10 years of saving, making money on the side, savings 50% of salaries, forgoing holidays/nice cars to be able to afford the house.

1. My/our parents are not rich at all. Since and even before buying the house, we are/were more well off than our respective parents by far. (But I guess no one knew/knows as we never spent/showed off our money, etc...).

I mean, why are friends/family such ***.

@ShavingTheBadger

Horrible. I got similar when I inherited half a house - "you're so lucky" etc. I pull them every time by reminding them that they have parents to spend time with, make into grandparents, etc whereas I lost my mum at 23, my dad at 34 and my brother last year. I have a house but no family, and I'd give everything I have to get them back even for an hour.

Yea, that is really inconsiderate of them.

Tbh you if you're able to save 50% of your salary then you are in a very privileged position indeed. And this point made me roll my eyes:

Although, for our first flat we were gifted £3k, as we were a fraction under deposit requirements and wanted to make the offer on the flat before it went! But that was a decade ago, lol.

So... you did have help buying! If you hadn't had that three grand, you wouldn't have got that flat. You'd have had to have saved more. You'd then have found prices had risen and potentially had to save even more, whilst presumably paying rent.

Your purchase of the new places is presumably partly funded by the sale of your old one, that you had help with. Therefore by definition this and any future properties you buy were bought with the benefit of a financial gift.

Your position is like an old-Etonian arguing that he doesn't benefit from going to private school because he is no longer attending it. Any connections he made or qualifications he achieved are not in any way related to the school he went to, even if they continue to define his life.

I think you need to get new friends along with your new house.

I don't recognise this at all.
I'm of an age where it is my dc, dn, and friends dc who are buying homes, and I am nothing but excited for them, and really positive about their homes. Even if they have made different choices from those I would make, it is an exciting time when you buy a house and actual friends share that excitement and happiness.

We had this from both ends...

The "it must be nice to be able to access bank of mum and dad" got a hearty😅😅😅 laugh and "gosh yes it must...! Darling, imagine how MUCH fancier a house we'd live in if we had that luxury!! But this is what we could afford on our own"

We also had one couple come over and the husband actually said "but DH is only 30 and you are only 35... I just don't understand how you can afford a house this nice " and then stared open mouthed at our bloody lovely period features for a good 20 mins. 🤣🤣🤣
He is a nice guy I think he was just really really surprised.
(This couple are 38 and 42 and think we are NUTS because we shop at aldi vs. M&S they rented a 2 bed in zone 2 for a decade pre buying, drive top of the range audis vs. Our Nissan micra and spent 40k!!! on their wedding)

I just said "wellllll everyone prioritises differently. Would you like a top up of lovely aldi wine ?"

People are just funny about this stuff.

I had one friend who was particularly shitty about my new kitchen counter announcing it was "not proper quartz" but composite quartz. This coming from a woman who had badly fitted laminate in hers. I just said " oh is it? I just picked the one i liked the best... I am really pleased with the kitchen and get a lot of compliments on it..."
She was unhappy and jealous and isn't a friend anymore.

Enjoy your home

I'm so sorry that your friends can't be happy for you. At least you know now that they're bitter people and you can focus on spending time with people who make you feel good and don't try and tear you down.

I have encountered some of this before and was really disappointed.

Although, for our first flat we were gifted £3k, as we were a fraction under deposit requirements and wanted to make the offer on the flat before it went! But that was a decade ago, lol.

That's help though.

I couldn't buy now with prices as they are so the small help I had back then helped

@ShavingTheBadger

Horrible. I got similar when I inherited half a house - "you're so lucky" etc. I pull them every time by reminding them that they have parents to spend time with, make into grandparents, etc whereas I lost my mum at 23, my dad at 34 and my brother last year. I have a house but no family, and I'd give everything I have to get them back even for an hour.

sorry for your loss. It's hard to imagine people being so insensitive

Op enjoy your lovely new house, ignore the comments, they do stem from a place of jealousy and insecurity.

@user1471457751

They don't sound very nice, maybe rethink your friendships with them. I will say though that you were in a fortunate position to be able to save 50% of your salaries, most people need almost all their salary to pay bills and just survive. So if you mentioned that to your friends, I wouldn't expect any sympathy

This was my first thought. Bring able to save 50% of your salaries is incredibly fortunate position to be in. Also you've not said you did have help to get on the ladder initially... It may have been a decade ago but prices have significantly increased since then and you did have help to get on the first thing of the ladder. It's rude of your friends to mention it, but equally you have had help and are in a fortunate financial situation to be able to save so much.

Some people just hate seeing others do well.Just ignore it and ask them why they are making awful comments.Please repeat what you just said ,usually it pulls people up sharp.Enjoy your new house you have worked hard for it.

Hi OP, I had pretty much the same experience. Not everyone in your circle of friends will be pleased if you progress. Jealousy is more widespread than you can think of. We moved into a new house having gone through and completely redecorated before moving in. All paid for by us. A friend came round to visit and whilst here my youngest son was playing up and jumping up and down on the sofa. We told him to stop and friend pipes up- well mommy and daddy are rich, so he can do what he wants. It left me quite cold. It is hard, but you just have to move on sometimes.

I had friends like this, they are no longer friends as their negative energy drags you down.

One girl would comment on my Instagram pictures of gigs and holidays going I don’t understand how you afford to do this 😂🙄

I’ve recently bought a new build by myself, the amount of negative comments I’ve had is ridiculous!

OP I would cut them out of your lives, imagine how much more things are going to happen in your life and how they’ll ruin it for you

@MorningStarling

Tbh you if you're able to save 50% of your salary then you are in a very privileged position indeed. And this point made me roll my eyes:

Although, for our first flat we were gifted £3k, as we were a fraction under deposit requirements and wanted to make the offer on the flat before it went! But that was a decade ago, lol.

So... you did have help buying! If you hadn't had that three grand, you wouldn't have got that flat. You'd have had to have saved more. You'd then have found prices had risen and potentially had to save even more, whilst presumably paying rent.

Your purchase of the new places is presumably partly funded by the sale of your old one, that you had help with. Therefore by definition this and any future properties you buy were bought with the benefit of a financial gift.

Your position is like an old-Etonian arguing that he doesn't benefit from going to private school because he is no longer attending it. Any connections he made or qualifications he achieved are not in any way related to the school he went to, even if they continue to define his life.

I don't think it's fair to say we were only able to buy our current property only due to our parents financial help.

E.g. Going from £3k help on a first flat (to make up a minor difference/deficit in deposit requirement), to buying a £xxxk - £xM house 10 years later, is really no comparison!

I will always be grateful to my parents. But their biggest help was actually being good parents, being around, giving advice and a physical hand when needed (even today).

In fairness you had financial help to get on that property ladder which is the hardest step to take. and you have been very fortunate to benefit from the increased equity in your flat. Yes, you have made prudent choices but do not dismiss your fortunate circumstances. It sounds like your friends are envious and keen to share their opinions. If you decide to have children be prepared for more opinions coming your way

They're jealous, clearly. It's a shame that they can't be more pleased for you, but some people just can't help themselves, the green eyed monster kind of leaks out via passive aggression. See it for what it is.

It doesn't mean people don't care about you, we all say crap when we experience negative emotions. Just enjoy your house, and enjoy not having to save so hard any more!

@bindud

Although, for our first flat we were gifted £3k, as we were a fraction under deposit requirements and wanted to make the offer on the flat before it went! But that was a decade ago, lol.

That's help though.

I couldn't buy now with prices as they are so the small help I had back then helped

A drop in the water. We would have saved the difference in a month, and just bought a different property. (But not the one we saw at the time / caught our eye).

My IL were like this a mix of worried we were getting above ourselves and annoyance we hadn't done what they had and started with a house that would have been too small and traded up.

It was upsetting when we had things go wrong and first few years they seemed to react with glee - but it was one of many things that took the shine off our first bought property.

Found locals would also point out house flaws or things we hadn't done yet - most of them had bought much earlier than us often pre kids and has years to do the houses up and I think it was a mix of superiority and lack of understanding of effects of higher prices and most had family happy to have kids so could more easily get DIY done. Think it was also a bit of culture of area - bring people down and being out spoken (ie rude).

IL did come round but were much more postive from the off with this house our second.

I have a sibling who does this. I can’t do anything without offending her in some way. I did my degree when there were no fees. She did hers as a mature student and had to pay fees. She holds it against me as if it is unfair of me to have not had to pay fees! My partner (at the time who is now my ex) and I both owned flats when we met. We sold our flats and moved into a three bed house. He had a child and we had one on the way. My sibling was outraged that I should be living in a three bedroom house and said it was unfair that she and her child would never have that luxury! She also suggested I was only with my then partner for his money as other wise I would have been unable to afford a three bedroom house! I was actually the higher earner, and the “luxury” of living in a three bedroom house was to provide a room for each child, not for my personal enjoyment. The third bedroom was 6” by 6”. It was a big standard 1930s semi!
Some people are just eaten up by jealousy.

Sorry but they are jealous and mean-spirited. You need better friends.

I bought my first house in 1991. It cost £50k - interest rates were 15% then went up to 18%. I sold it for quite a lot more in 1998 but like @ShavingTheBadger, I was only able to trade up significantly because my mum died in 1997 and left me some money. I would give anything to have had more time with her - she was only 54. We also don't care about flashy cars and have only had two or three decent holidays in our 25 years of marriage. When people find out where I live and I get asked "how could you afford to live there?" if I'm feeling charitable, I will be honest and say some good luck with rising house prices and some bad luck with losing my mum. If I'm feeling they are nosy buggers, I will make up something outrageous like my sex line work and P/T hedge fund management.

A drop in the water. We would have saved the difference in a month, and just bought a different property. (But not the one we saw at the time / caught our eye).

A drop in the water is help though.

We got asked who died. Well no-one, thankfully, when we moved from a house sold for 84k to one for 150k . We saved, no holidays, clapped out car, I walked mostly. Our friends had a ball socially in those years. They just weren't good at math

Plenty of people lose parents/family & don't get any inheritance though.

I'm lucky I had help to buy when I did before prices went crazy & that I had some inheritance. I don't see a problem with that.

Honestly, they wouldn't be my friends any more if they acted like that.

Even if I visited someone's mega mansion, I would be telling them how nice it is. I would never dream of criticising anyone's home or making remarks about money coming from their parents.

On a lighter note.

Haha, shall I tell you guys the funniest comment so far? I'm not sure, why this one amuses me so much though.

Cousin - So how many bedrooms?

Me - 4.

'Shows cousin around house'

Cousin - So it's a 3 and a half bedroom house.

Me - No, it's a 4 bedroom, what do you mean?

Cousin - The last bedroom is a box room, you can't use it as a bedroom.

Me - It fits a single bed fine and is the same size as the bedroom I grew up in until I left home.
(Fits a single bed, chest of drawers and cupboard)

Cousin - Oh...okay. (With a sly tone)

@bindud

A drop in the water. We would have saved the difference in a month, and just bought a different property. (But not the one we saw at the time / caught our eye).

A drop in the water is help though.

True. But, my parents paid more for my school's meals during my time at secondary school, lol. (I used to get £3 a day). This was probably a bigger help to my future, than the £3k.

You're missing the point. These friends/family are implying we were only able to buy because of them and/or they gifted an amount in the £10-100k range. And are trying to devalue our achievements.