Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DP should contribute more?

261 replies

BikeMadMummyOf3 · 11/02/2022 10:52

AIBU here, pls tell me if I am. DP works 5 days a week as do I. We both have 'decent' paying jobs and live together. We have 4DC (I should change my name on here now LOL). I pay all the rent the council tax and 99% of the bills myself. He contributes £200 PM. I do majority of the cleaning ALL of the cooking and everything else. DP doesnt see an issue with this and told me I'm being selfish and 'money grabbing' to ask for more of a financial contribution to the house. Hes now got me feeling like I ABU and guilty for even asking in the first place. AIBU?

OP posts:
FOJN · 11/02/2022 17:25

OP from what you have written I don't think you can get this relationship on a fairer financial footing nevermind domestic and childcare responsibilities. He is contributing nothing like his fair share to household finances and thinks you are being unreasonable for saying he need to contribute more.

Paying for nearly everything, doing nearly everything and working full time, this is your life now. Can you see yourself being happy with this forever?

Even if you kicked him out and he didn't give you a penny for the children you would be better off because £200 isn't even enough to cover his living costs.

You could sit him down, present him with a budget, ask him to contribute 50%, give him a list of domestic and childcare responsibilities and he will not meet you halfway because a man who thinks contributing £200 and doing fuck all is not a reasonable person.

mostlylovinglife · 11/02/2022 17:28

What an utter cocklodger. Really hope you sort this op, and if not, you're clearly able to cope without him, tell him good luck finding somewhere and only paying £200 a month. Confused

NowEvenBetter · 11/02/2022 17:29

I didn’t vote on the thread but OP is massively unreasonable to tolerate such ridiculous bullshit, it’s embarrassing for her.

DrDinosaur · 11/02/2022 17:51

He says you're money grabbing?
Kick him out and claim child support. You'll be better off.
He has no incentive to grow up as long as you let him get away with this.

sabbii · 11/02/2022 17:56

OP needs to clearly list what she pays for and what he pays for and tell him who is the real selfish tw*t

Doodar · 11/02/2022 17:58

Don’t believe this is real.

Isntisironic1 · 11/02/2022 17:58

I’m always amazed at the victim blaming that goes on on this site, ‘how did you end up like that?’…I suppose everyone has perfect lives. Also everyone saying leave him or kick him out, is this what adults do? They’re not 20 somethings living on their own they’ve got 4 children together.

OP I think the best course of action would be to sit down and show your partner just how much everything costs per month. Have an adult conversation and explain to him that financial contributions need to be more 50/50. If after doing all this he still calls you a money grabber then only you know what is best for you

IReallyLikeCrows · 11/02/2022 18:03

If you kick him out he'll have to pay more than £200pm in child support so I think the only reasonable thing is to kick him out. You'll be better off and have one less child to look after.

hangrylady · 11/02/2022 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goopamz · 11/02/2022 18:19

Why isn't your money just shared? It would make way more sense with 4 kids!

Octomore · 11/02/2022 18:41

I think the best course of action would be to sit down and show your partner just how much everything costs per month.

This is a grown man we are talking about, not a child. He knows full well that things like rent and bills cost a lot of money. He therefore knows full well that he's taking the OP for a ride. His reaction when she asked him to contribute more says it all.

If this was a teenage child who is still learning about the world, sure - explain to them how far money goes each month so that they understand. But a grown man? No.

I don't have to explain to my DH how much things cost, because he's a grown up who knows that life is expensive. We discuss how to pay bills etc. together and reach a solution that works. If I had to explain to him that bills cost money, I wouldn't have married him.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 11/02/2022 18:42

Bloody fucking hell, what a useless specimen he is.

Sit down with the bills, show him what everything costs, then agree to split costs down the middle. Also draw up a rota for chores and divide them into two.

What does he do with the money he's saving every month?? I'd be asking for half of that too.

Or you could cut out the middle man and just divorce his lazy useless arse.

AhNowTed · 11/02/2022 18:43

OP my CAT cost me half that a month.

As I said before, a grown man with children is contributing A WHOLE £6.58 A DAY.

My ENERGY bill is more that!!

Come on for gods sake.

Kitsmummy · 11/02/2022 18:51

I don't know OP...do your bills cost more than £200 per month? If they don't then yes you're being very money grabbing.

Set the little lamb free so that he doesn't any have greedy woman trying to take all his hard earned money for fripperies like children, housing and food!

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 11/02/2022 18:57

Is there an update?

Original poster
BikeMadMummyOf3 · 11/02/2022 19:20

So gals and guys he has left. Told him I'm not putting up with mothering him and he took offence probably shouldn't have used those words as his mother has passed on but still. I asked him to start paying more and not necessarily giving me money but just paying more. He could have a set few bills and so could I. He didnt like it so I told him if he is not prepared to help anymore then he has to leave. He has packed his bags and left. Now what?

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 11/02/2022 19:23

You will be financially much better off from his £200 when you take into account cost of feeding him, washing, water etc plus single occupancy discount on council tax. Are you entitled to UC top ups now as a single parent?

NothingIsWrong · 11/02/2022 19:24

Phone the council and get your 25% off, change the locks and apply to CMS for maintenance.

If he's being genuine about leaving, those should be your first steps.

If he's pretending to leave to threaten you, those should DEFINITELY be your first steps and a stiff resolve to not let him back.

Cloudfrost · 11/02/2022 19:26

Now he is gonna go sulk and wait for u to run after him apologising and telling him how grateful you are about all he does and all he pays and if only he comes back, nothing will have to change.

I seriously hope u do none of the above.
He is a manchild having a tantrum because u demanded he contributes his fair share.
You wouldnt give in to a toddler having a tantrum, so don't give in to him. He will be back eventually if he hold your ground, though I would take this time to seriously consider just how beneficial is his presence in the relationship and whether you would be better off without him

ProudThrilledHappy · 11/02/2022 19:27

Also OP when he discovers his £200 doesn’t get him very far in his own place, he will be back with his tail between his legs. If you do want him back (personally it’d be a “no thanks, scrounger” from me) then make sure it is 50/50 completely equal from now on

Isntisironic1 · 11/02/2022 19:36

@Octomore

I think the best course of action would be to sit down and show your partner just how much everything costs per month.

This is a grown man we are talking about, not a child. He knows full well that things like rent and bills cost a lot of money. He therefore knows full well that he's taking the OP for a ride. His reaction when she asked him to contribute more says it all.

If this was a teenage child who is still learning about the world, sure - explain to them how far money goes each month so that they understand. But a grown man? No.

I don't have to explain to my DH how much things cost, because he's a grown up who knows that life is expensive. We discuss how to pay bills etc. together and reach a solution that works. If I had to explain to him that bills cost money, I wouldn't have married him.

How lovely for you, however this thread isn’t a about you and your OH it’s about OP. Her partner is obviously oblivious to the costs hence the reason I said what I said.
litlealligator · 11/02/2022 19:39

No doubt he will quickly realise that the grass isn't greener and he won't be able to get a similarly cushy arrangement anywhere else. While he works that out, you have time to think whether or not you want to let someone this awful back into your life.

solbunny · 11/02/2022 19:40

Well done OP. You've absolutely done the right thing. Lots of other posters more knowledgable than I will give you great advice with what your admin/legal steps should be from here so I won't add anything there, but just really wanted to say well done. It can't have been easy but your kids don't deserve to see their mum being taken for a ride - and more to the point, you don't deserve to be treated or spoken to like this either!

RandomMess · 11/02/2022 19:47

What you do next it out in a claim for CMS and universal credit as a single parent.

CMS is likely more than £200 per month for 4 DC!!

FOJN · 11/02/2022 19:52

I think he'll be back. An adult cannot cover all living expenses with £200 a month, he had a good deal and probably thinks you must have been desperate to keep him to put up with it. Do not let this cock lodger back in.

NothingIsWrong at 19.24 has made good suggestions.
If he has left any paperwork relating to his income I would make sure I had copies of that, payslips or bank statements etc, just in case he tries to lie about his earnings.