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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DP should contribute more?

261 replies

BikeMadMummyOf3 · 11/02/2022 10:52

AIBU here, pls tell me if I am. DP works 5 days a week as do I. We both have 'decent' paying jobs and live together. We have 4DC (I should change my name on here now LOL). I pay all the rent the council tax and 99% of the bills myself. He contributes £200 PM. I do majority of the cleaning ALL of the cooking and everything else. DP doesnt see an issue with this and told me I'm being selfish and 'money grabbing' to ask for more of a financial contribution to the house. Hes now got me feeling like I ABU and guilty for even asking in the first place. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mybestyear · 11/02/2022 14:53

OP this is financial abuse. I am sorry that you have 4 DC with this selfish person. I'm really not sure of the advice to give you but you but I just could not live my life like this.

IncompleteSenten · 11/02/2022 14:55

I'm sorry but you must realise you have been an absolute mug.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/02/2022 15:02

How long has this been going on op?
There's a good chance he has thousands upon thousands of pounds stashed away by now. Every month that goes by and he gets away with it, he probably rubs his hands together with glee.
End it. As of today.

amusedbush · 11/02/2022 15:03

Yet another waster who needs launching into the sun. Get rid of him - he brings absolutely nothing to your life.

Hdhr8jsj · 11/02/2022 15:15

What the fuck ?!?

musicviking1 · 11/02/2022 15:17

It would be cheaper for you if he moved out. Of course he needs to pay more, everything should be split equally.

Heidi451 · 11/02/2022 15:29

This isn't fair, OP.
It sounds like your partner became mentally and financially dependent on State benefits - he was taking money for doing literally nothing - and then when he got to work full time thought it was HIS money and he wants to keep it for himself.
He is paying you £200 a month which is what I paid my parents in board money 30 years ago.
He isn't a partner is he?

purplehairlady · 11/02/2022 15:34

@BikeMadMummyOf3

AIBU here, pls tell me if I am. DP works 5 days a week as do I. We both have 'decent' paying jobs and live together. We have 4DC (I should change my name on here now LOL). I pay all the rent the council tax and 99% of the bills myself. He contributes £200 PM. I do majority of the cleaning ALL of the cooking and everything else. DP doesnt see an issue with this and told me I'm being selfish and 'money grabbing' to ask for more of a financial contribution to the house. Hes now got me feeling like I ABU and guilty for even asking in the first place. AIBU?

Are women really this naive??

How is this even a Q

Midlifemusings · 11/02/2022 15:36

What is his argument? How does he rationalize that he should only pay 200 and that you are being selfish? When you look at a list and facts of what you do and contribute and what he does and contributes - what does he say?

Gizacluethen · 11/02/2022 15:40

This is absolutely ridiculous!
He'd have to pay you more in child support if you kicked him out aswell as paying his own rent bills and food.

He's a pathetic man child. He should have masses of savings with such pitiful outgoings. I can't bear to think how much money he's wasted and what that could have done for his children.

AgentJohnson · 11/02/2022 15:40

I doubt very much this is the first instance of him being a selfish tosser. Don’t bother arguing with him, he obviously doesn’t care, just tell him good luck in trying to get away with paying 200 elsewhere. Get rid!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 11/02/2022 15:41

What am I reading?!

I normally have a bit of an eye roll at some of these threads but this one... Jeez!

All four children are both of yours? If you earn a similar amount then it should 50/50 or thereabouts. Or all in one joint account and anything spare shared.

Not you paying everything and him paying less than he would in a house share. Teenagers pay their mothers more.

museumum · 11/02/2022 15:41

You earn roughly the same, the children are his, you rent your home - there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON why it should be anything other than 50/50 paying for living costs!!!

Mix56 · 11/02/2022 15:42

YABU, because you are subbing his lifestyle, he gets to save, & you're not married, so when you separate you are entitled to nothing. not part of his pension, not part of his savingsI
Tell him you've had enough of him cock lodging, he can pay half or he is gone. CMS will take more than that from his salary.
No skin off your nose.

FloBot7 · 11/02/2022 15:42

You'd get more financial support as a single parent. I'm surprised this is even a question.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 11/02/2022 15:43

Go home @BikeMadMummyOf3

You say you have no one as you're not in your home city. What do you do for work? Is it something you could do from anywhere, or be transferred to a local office/store/service?

Just... Go home.

gamerchick · 11/02/2022 15:44

@SprigofSage

This can't be real?
Been hearing twilight zone music on quite a few threads of late.
NowEvenBetter · 11/02/2022 15:44

I’d love OP to tell us how she thinks this is acceptable, and how she will teach her kids to have standards.
Funding and housing a man who has simply provided sperm and nothing else.

doadeer · 11/02/2022 15:45

Eh?! This is crazy. Obviously you're not unreasonable. This isn't a balanced relationship

TeethingBabyHelp · 11/02/2022 15:46

Jesus I'd get rid of a sponger like that. I bet you'd be better off too, his portion of food shopping probably comes to £200 and you'd get single person council tax discount too

NothingIsWrong · 11/02/2022 15:51

He must look like Chris Hemsworth FFS - get rid of him, claim CMS and you would get 25% off the council tax. You would be quids in for sure!

arethereanyleftatall · 11/02/2022 16:00

When my exhusband moved out, I was flabbergasted by how much more time I had (from not clearing up after him/doing his laundry etc) - over an hour a day spare I think. And finances - food bill went from £100 per week to £50 for me and the girls. I was so surprised.

Notimeforaname · 11/02/2022 16:02

What's he spending his money on?

Just stop buying food for him or doing his washing.
He can at least do that himself, as a start.

Obviously you cant make him contribute more money but you can certainly stop accommodating him.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/02/2022 16:16

You could kick him out and be financially better off.

ScarlettSunset · 11/02/2022 16:21

I had one like this and I put up with it for far too long. He even managed to convince his parents I was a 'gold digger' because I was always asking him for money! And no matter how often I asked he always refused to pay his share.

I eventually kicked him out. I was terrified of being a single parent even though I did all the parenting anyway but I can tell you it was absolutely the best move. Not only was I financially better off from not having to subsidize him, I was so much happier as well as I suddenly didn't have this grown man sized kid to look after too.

I have never looked back, never once regretted getting rid of him. It was amazing just how so many other problems that I hadn't even realised were due to him, also vanished.

Don't be scared OP. Just take action. Don't let your kids grow up thinking this is normal.