AIBU to think DP should contribute more?

[BikeMadMummyOf3]

AIBU here, pls tell me if I am. DP works 5 days a week as do I. We both have 'decent' paying jobs and live together. We have 4DC (I should change my name on here now LOL). I pay all the rent the council tax and 99% of the bills myself. He contributes £200 PM. I do majority of the cleaning ALL of the cooking and everything else. DP doesnt see an issue with this and told me I'm being selfish and 'money grabbing' to ask for more of a financial contribution to the house. Hes now got me feeling like I ABU and guilty for even asking in the first place. AIBU?

You get on to money saving expert and figure out what benefits you're entitled to as a single parent and apply for them. You put in a claim for child maintenance from him. You notify the council to see if you can get your council tax reduced. Then you hold firm on your decision that he either pays half or leaves because he'll be back in a few days. No one else is going to put him up for £200 a month.

I like your style.
You stay calm and firm. Lock the door, check out benefits & CMS as suggested. Close/ empty joint account if there is one.
When he re emerges you stay super calm- it’s not about emotions it’s straight up math.

I don't think he will be back. I think he knew he was absolutely fleecing the op, has been stashing his cash, and knew this day would come, but every day it didn't he was rubbing his hands together and putting another £100 in to his savings.
I had a friend like this once - always last to the bar but just worse, I tolerated it cos I enjoyed her company- the day I called her out on it, she left and never spoke to me again. I expect she moved swiftly on to the next victim.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what he wants/does or says now op. It's actually awesome for you that he's gone. Perfect. You hardly had to do anything.

What now?

1. Change locks
2. Apply for 25% off council tax.
3. Apply to child maintenance.
4. Thank your lucky stars he's gone and start enjoying your life.

Where’s he gone op?

Well done.
Definitely lock that door and keep the key in it.

You will be so much better off without this loser.

Well done OP. He was being a CF.

@FloBot7

You get on to money saving expert and figure out what benefits you're entitled to as a single parent and apply for them. You put in a claim for child maintenance from him. You notify the council to see if you can get your council tax reduced. Then you hold firm on your decision that he either pays half or leaves because he'll be back in a few days. No one else is going to put him up for £200 a month.

Depending on your earnings you could probably get more than £200 with these suggestions. In terms of finances he will be the one with a shock it sounds like you have already been a single parent paying for everything. I suspect he will come crawling back unless he can find someone else to house him.

Yay! Good riddance. First thing I did after having a cry was phone the council to sort housing benefit, applied for maintenance and tax credits and got myself a legal aid solicitor (dv) for the divorce. I was so much better off. Now of course it's universal credit so the prices should be simpler. He's a cheeky bastard OP. Pour yourself a drink or a cup of tea and raise your glass or cup to your future

Now you get online and find out if you're entitled to any help as a single parent.

Now you get online and file for child maintenance immediately.

Now you change the locks; he's left, he doesn't live there any more.

Now you secure your bank accounts and credit cards if he might have any of the details that would allow him access (account/card numbers, passwords, etc)

Now you reach out to friends and family for any help they can provide in the short term while you sort your family out going forward.

You're well rid. You know you can do this because you already were!

@Isntisironic1

I’m always amazed at the victim blaming that goes on on this site, ‘how did you end up like that?’…I suppose everyone has perfect lives. Also everyone saying leave him or kick him out, is this what adults do? They’re not 20 somethings living on their own they’ve got 4 children together.

OP I think the best course of action would be to sit down and show your partner just how much everything costs per month. Have an adult conversation and explain to him that financial contributions need to be more 50/50. If after doing all this he still calls you a money grabber then only you know what is best for you

Well, she has 4 children. I’m not sure he does apart from having donated sperm. And there is no ‘together’ except that she has to subsidise him as well. So yes, that is what adults do. Also, she didn’t kick him out, he stormed out becasue he was asked to contribute more than the pittance he did that wouldn’t even cover his own costs- is that what adults do? She definitely shouldn’t let him back in.

Now you organise yourself as a single mum, check benefit ps if you are entitled to them, council tax etc…
Switch bills to your name if some aren’t

And you remind him he is still a father. So arrange for him to have the 4 dcs at his place whilst he is also paying CM.
I suspect you will be better off financially, emotionally. And you,l have time for yourself EOW.

Speak to your LAndlord/Estate Agents to see if he can come off the tenancy then change the locks.

Contact the council to get the reduction. Look into whether him leaving opens up benefits and then start the process of claiming CM

And dont let him back

@Isntisironic1

I’m always amazed at the victim blaming that goes on on this site, ‘how did you end up like that?’…I suppose everyone has perfect lives. Also everyone saying leave him or kick him out, is this what adults do? They’re not 20 somethings living on their own they’ve got 4 children together.

OP I think the best course of action would be to sit down and show your partner just how much everything costs per month. Have an adult conversation and explain to him that financial contributions need to be more 50/50. If after doing all this he still calls you a money grabber then only you know what is best for you

Well too late for that.

But surely any adult will have an idea that it costs more than £400 a month to pay for the rent, food, clothes etc..for 2 adults and 4 children.
I mean anyone who has lived in their own and looked at a budget will know that.

So it’s not that he didn’t realise the costs involved. It’s that he didn’t want to know.
His behaviour when the OP called him uo in it is quite telling too.

OP I think the best course of action would be to sit down and show your partner just how much everything costs per month. Have an adult conversation and explain to him that financial contributions need to be more 50/50. If after doing all this he still calls you a money grabber then only you know what is best for you

How do you have an adult conversation with someone who thinks £200 a month is sufficient to cover their living expenses and a portion of their four childrens expenses? No adult thinks that, he knows the OP is subsidising him but he's called her money grabbing for asking him to contribute more. An adult conversation would not be possible in this situation. He's taking the piss and angry that OP has decided to put a stop to it.

Start handing him £200 a month and telling him it's his turn to pay it all. Alternatively calculate what the cms would take from him based on earnings. Then tell him if he doesn't start contributing towards the house properly he can fucking move out because you will likely receive more from him without him living with you. Your already doing everything so kicking his arse out is one less person to clean up after. It also reduces your food bill as one less mouth to feed, and then the council tax bill will be reduced by 25%.

Throw in the extra income you will be laughing. He on the other hand will be crying his eyes out as he will have to run a separate home paying all its bills and pay you more than what his contributing now.

Credit to you OP, I'm sure he will be back

Well rid OP. Don't let his cocklodger ass back in. Claim Child maintenance and enjoy not being used and abused.

Well done

Definitely don't let him back now.

My friend recently evicted her cocklodger. She's now entitled to universal credit and is £400 better off a month with it, plus her council tax reduction of 25%. He's not paid up for child maintenance yet, but she says her flat also stays a lot cleaner now!

@BikeMadMummyOf3

So gals and guys he has left. Told him I'm not putting up with mothering him and he took offence probably shouldn't have used those words as his mother has passed on but still. I asked him to start paying more and not necessarily giving me money but just paying more. He could have a set few bills and so could I. He didnt like it so I told him if he is not prepared to help anymore then he has to leave. He has packed his bags and left. Now what?

Now, you sit back and take a deep breath. Enjoy the peace and lack of tension in the house.

Then you get the locks changed. Sit down and figure your new budget, then apply for any/all benefits to which you may be entitled.

Then you pack up any of his shit lying around and you shove it in an closet until the dust settles.

What you DON'T do is speak to him or let him back in. You need time for yourself, to regroup and figure things out.

Council tax discount, CM and hopefully (in the future) a night off every other weekend!!

He should pay 50% of all costs and do 50% of all household tasks/ carrying mental load of family life.

Now what?

Well, prepare for him to come crawling back when it sinks in that it's going to cost a LOT more to actually house, feed and clothe himself and pay bills

He'll either hope that you have been scared by his walking out and will stfu in order to keep him. He'll forgive you for being so grabby on condition you don't do it again.

Or.

He'll offer you an extra hundred or so or vaguely promise to pay more but won't be good on details.

He'll be full of shit of course.

Hopefully you won't fall for it.

Next steps is to organise your finances etc iko you are well rid!

f you ever want him back and if he even asks to come back it would have to be on the proviso he pays 50 % of all living and child related costs.

Think long and hard about if you want him back.

Such a selfish loser isn't going to change.

Tell everyone that he has been paying IN TOTAL £50 a week for a home and 4 children.

He is a disgusting disgrace of a father.

I absolutely believe it is financial abuse.

I wouldn't want him back.

You will be much better off alone.

Reach out for support.