AIBU to think DP should contribute more?

[BikeMadMummyOf3]

AIBU here, pls tell me if I am. DP works 5 days a week as do I. We both have 'decent' paying jobs and live together. We have 4DC (I should change my name on here now LOL). I pay all the rent the council tax and 99% of the bills myself. He contributes £200 PM. I do majority of the cleaning ALL of the cooking and everything else. DP doesnt see an issue with this and told me I'm being selfish and 'money grabbing' to ask for more of a financial contribution to the house. Hes now got me feeling like I ABU and guilty for even asking in the first place. AIBU?

We have triplets and a single birth child. I've had 2 pregnancies. However that's not the point. Things werent always this way as at first we was both claiming benefits as a couple. When DT's started nursery he started working full time and me part time. Eventually I started full time too. We are both in jobs we love and earn roughly the same amount give or take £50. Our benefits were originally cut before stopping completely after us both working. He spends his money on crap! He will look after DC if I ask but I would usually come home and have to do things like cook clean etc. If he is looking after DC for the day, lunch consists of takeaway because he wont cook. Since posting this I have thought about what I'm going to say to him when he comes back later. I have nobody around here as I am in a city I'm not from and have no family here so feel like he is all I have but watch this space as I will be back to let you know how I get on!

Hes a Cocklodger. How did you end up like this?

Just stunned at reading this. Assuming some or all the children are his, he should be 50% financially responsible for them. Who owns the house? I'm now in my 60s and am just gob smacked at how many posts there are on here by women who get little financial, domestic, child care or emotional input from their partners and somehow feel they are in the wrong. You are not unreasonable, he is.

You should be splitting costs, childcare and housework etc 50:50.

Sorry but wtf are you doing letting this happen? Tell him to pay half or piss off

OP, why do you think you might be being unreasonable?

What the actual fuck? How did you end up like this?

£200 won't even cover his food, let alone his share of housing costs or bills.

It is blindingly obvious that he's fleecing you - surely you must know this? The fact that he is happy to continue this arrangement means he is not worth keeping.

Kick him out, and save yourself a shed load of cash.

Do you like him op?

I think you'll have gathered by now that this is an extremely unusual setup. Given you both work ft for the same money, you should both be paying equal amounts in, both be doing equal childcare and housework, and both have the same disposable income and free time. It's difficult to imagine how anyone could argue anything different.

Why the fuck isn't he paying 50% of everything?

If he were an adult child and not your DP I would think this was totally crap and he was taking the piss not doing or contributing more.

I’d kick him out, you’ll be heaps better off financially. I’m sure he costs more than two hundred a month. Either he is an absolute moron, or he KNOWS he’s being a twat. I couldn’t be around someone who was that dim or that much of an arsehole.

How did you not murder him in his sleep after he called you money grabbing and selfish? WTAF?

And WHY did you agree to have a child (let alone more children) with a man who doesn't pay his way?

What exactly was it that made you think this man was a keeper?

Honestly - this guy is worth fuck all. He's a piece of shit.

No man worth his salt would object to paying their fair share of household costs in this scenario.

Good god. IF this is genuine... you would be massively better off without him. Reduced bills, less food costs, single person council tax rebate, and child maintenance from him. Probably less cleaning and admin too, and almost certainly improved mental health as you won't have the frustration of him sitting on his arse while you do everything AND pay for everything. It's financial abuse, and if you can't get angry about the effects it's having now, please consider things like your children's financial future (if they want to go to university, for example, will he pay? Or will you end up trying to scratch the money together out of your already massively smaller savings?), and what happens when you both retire and he's got a bulging pension/savings pot while I suspect you'll barely have enough put aside to live on? (I wouldn't have ANY expectations of him sharing his pension pot with you, based on his behaviour so far - most likely this is when he'll do a runner!).

Seems to me you have two choices. One is to demand that you put EVERYTHING into joint accounts which pay all the bills, and from which you each get an equal amount to use for personal spends/savings (check that your pension contributions before putting it in aren't totally unbalanced, too), and that you also divide up all the housework, admin etc. fairly, and failing that you will show him the door.

But possibly the better option is to address the fact that treating you this way says very clearly that he doesn't love you, indeed doesn't give a shit about you and is very happy, nay INSISTS on maintaining the status quo where you pay for and do everything, and has tried to guilt-trip you and called YOU "selfish and money-grabbing" for insisting he gets fractionally closer to paying his own way rather than sponging off you. If you consider that thoroughly, do you really want to keep him, even if he grudgingly agreed to change? Or are you better off getting your ducks in a row (by which I mean protecting yourself financially as far as possible first, so he can't for example empty any joint accounts on his way out the door) and then booting him out and claiming all the rebates and Child Maintenance you're entitled to?

@WonderfulYou

You pay council tax and 99% of the bills. Who pays the rent/mortgage?

Does he pay the mortgage on top of the £200 a month?
If so it may work out pretty even.

From what you’ve posted YANBU and I don’t even understand how you’re in this position.
Surely you have a joint account and both put the same percentage of your wage into that and pay the bills from the joint account.

The OP said this in her opening post:

"I pay all the rent the council tax and 99% of the bills myself."

I would start with the financial conversation first. Although his lack of help with the children and the home is shit, that’s a more emotional and less straightforward conversation. If you are earning the same amount, then you should be contributing financially the same amount. That can’t really be argued with.

So he has just continued to contribute his benefits and keeps all the extra for himself instead of thinking about how the extra cash could be used for his children's benefit. What a worthless individual.

How can you love someone who shows such complete disregard for both you and your children? There's nothing he can say tonight that's going to change the fact he's a selfish twat, a true partner would be contributing 50% across finance, house, children, chores without being asked. He's not a good person.

PS if you split and he has contact, you will also get some child-free time, while he will have to learn to care for the DCs on his own during contact (as well as having to start doing all his own cooking, cleaning, washing, admin....). Doesn't that sound tempting?

My ex contributes £350 a month. Just a thought.

What a piss take. You'd be better off on your own.

YANBU and he's trying to make you feel guilty for bringing it up. How does he justify only paying £200 a month, he should be embarrassed that he's not paying his way.

Don't let him make you feel guilty, either he pays 50/50 or he can fuck off and see how he gets on in the real world paying £50 to live/eat etc.

This can't be real?

Dump
Him

Good luck OP.

He is robbing you and your children blind.

What possible reason does he have for not contributing equally?

You would be better off with him paying CMS !

better off without. your council tax would drop 25% plus you wouldn't be feeding a useless lump of meat. watch your food and utility bills drop when he's not there draining you for every penny.
Honestly, what does he bring to the relationship? A solid gold cock? because it must be something special if he thinks all he has to contribute is 200 quid a month and even that's begrudged.

Totally unreasonable of him.
DH pays utilities, half shopping, child maintenance and clothes / treats for both his kids. He also buys things for the house, cooks, DIY etc. He earns less than me but is a smart shopper.
You need to get yourself out of this situation OP. What would happen if you started refusing to pay bills? Would your DP feel some responsibility or just let it happen? Best of luck OP.