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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2022 12:12

@Birthday197

Just to clarify I am not in any way saying it's his exes fault for asking, she of course can ask. I was annoyed at him for suggesting we say yes!

Tbf knowing him he probably would enjoy just as much a night with the kids as going out us two. But it's not really about what he wants, it's my birthday!

Anyway, spoke to him when he got home, he's already told her we can't. Apparently she was a bit upset and asked what if she swapped the Friday (we are suppose to have kids Friday night and they go back to hers in the morning) so we can do it then.

Bit cheeky of her suggesting you change your Birthday plans to accommodate her
Rona95 · 11/02/2022 12:27

@Birthday197

He's said no to swapping to Friday too so all sorted and plans are continuing! Smile
@Birthday197

What did the ex say? Was she annoyed? Not that it matters, I'm just curious

Duchess379 · 11/02/2022 13:21

Can you contact her & say no? I'm all for being flexible but you only get a birthday once a year. If it's her weekend to have the kids then she needs to sort out babysitting, not cancel your birthday meal.

dcthatsme · 11/02/2022 17:41

I agree that if it's a flexible arrangement it should work both ways. If he's going to choose a family birthday on your behalf without you really getting a say in the matter you should head off with friends. You can always ask him to reorganise the night out for just the two of you another time. Happy Birthday! Hope it's fun whatever you decide. xxx

dcthatsme · 11/02/2022 17:42

Ah just saw it's resolved! That's great. Have a lovely time :-)

Mumontour85 · 11/02/2022 17:53

I'd be really cross to be honest, I doubt you're prioritised very often, and your DH has made you the bad guy having to say no instead of using his bloody brain and making the right decision himself.

The ex can either make alternative childcare plans (as you've had to!) or not go to her concert.

You go out with friends and have a fabulous night!

SnozPoz · 11/02/2022 17:53

Husband needs to put you first this time and say no to the ex

lemonsorbetinthesun · 11/02/2022 17:58

Glad it’s sorted.
Do think you got some unreasonable responses though. If you were originally having them this weekend and the relationship is amicable surely you should be able to say no, if you’ve got plans.
My first thought (because of my DH), he’s forgotten your birthday falls on that weekend.
If she was worried about childcare for the concert she could have checked before buying the tickets.

Shell4429 · 11/02/2022 17:59

Maybe it’s because I am older but I don’t see this as a big deal. All I do on our birthdays is order a takeaway and buy some vodka! But I have had a lot of birthdays.

Jewel52 · 11/02/2022 18:10

I think he should say no as you had existing plans and it sounds like you don’t do a lot just the two of you. That’s really important to you as a couple. But I would try to explain this to him calmly in the hope he sees reason. Sounds like he just a committed dad trying to please everyone

waitingpatientlyforspring · 11/02/2022 18:14

Every single birthday is important and should be celebrated in whatever way you wish. Its a privilege to get older.

Of course he should automatically say 'I'm sorry ex, its DW's birthday and we have plans'.

It wouldn't be extra family time I'm sure ad it would be a swap so those saying that are deluded. Parents have a right to be adults too and enjoy doing things as adults/a couple without having their children with them.

MischievousBiscuits · 11/02/2022 18:17

Yanbu - if you have been able to arrange childcare for that night, surely she can too.

Ineke · 11/02/2022 18:22

It would be strange to have your children at your parents and the ex children staying over. Can you contact ex and tell her your birthday plans. She may understand, that an adult only weekend is a real birthday treat.

Hertsgirl10 · 11/02/2022 18:23

Some replies on here 😂

It’s not their weekend ffs.. she’s not fuckin the kids off for her bday, she’s not done anything apart from made her bday plans and her stupid husband tried to change them.
The last few years no one’s been able ti be lucky enough to go out anywhere for celebrating their bdays (apart from Boris)
So I think the ex is unreasonable to even ask presuming she knows it’s OP’s bday. Husband is out of order for not saying no and suggesting a family evening meal especially when her own kids won’t be there.

Glad this is sorted.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/02/2022 18:30

If you wanted a family birthday you would be going out with your kids

It’s ex weekend. You have plans

She wants to do something, not a problem but she gets a babysitter at hers

autienotnaughty · 11/02/2022 18:32

I'm with you you already planned to go out. I'd explain you want to go out on an adults night. If he gets annoyed you might as well go out with your friends anyway.

Snowdrops28 · 11/02/2022 18:44

Can your parents not have step children as well as your other children? I’m a step mum and I would probably try and arrange childcare for them as well as my own children.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 11/02/2022 18:44

I would have swapped to the Friday - I would have been happy to celebrate my birthday the day before.

But I guess she can get a babysitter if she really wants to go the concert.

It doesn't matter whose weekend is, he and she are both parents and need to work things out if they both want to do things on the same day.

RedToothBrush · 11/02/2022 18:46

@AndAnotherNewOne

He's said yes already, I bet.
I'd put money on this.
Phobiaphobic · 11/02/2022 18:46

@coodawoodashooda

Honestly i don't know. An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless.
But it's her birthday, ffs!
JuergenSchwarzwald · 11/02/2022 18:47

@Shell4429

Maybe it’s because I am older but I don’t see this as a big deal. All I do on our birthdays is order a takeaway and buy some vodka! But I have had a lot of birthdays.
If it was a big 0 birthday I'd understand, but even then I'd be happy to go on the Friday even if my birthday was the Saturday, assuming I'd not already booked anything that couldn't be easily moved.
TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 11/02/2022 18:47

@Snowdrops28

Can your parents not have step children as well as your other children? I’m a step mum and I would probably try and arrange childcare for them as well as my own children.
What a silly suggestion! Why on earth would they want their daughters 9 and 11 year old SC? So they are put out - not the actual parents or grandparents, but the STEP grandparents??!
Phobiaphobic · 11/02/2022 18:47

Half this thread reads like, wimmin, lie down on the ground and hold up a sign saying 'walk all over me, I'm just here to keep the peace.'

SmellyOldOwls · 11/02/2022 18:51

It's not about it being her birthday really it's about the fact that OP is looking forward to a rare childfree night with her DH and doesn't want to give it up, and why on Earth should she Confused

Worriedatwork1 · 11/02/2022 18:59

I’m quite amazed by some of the responses, I’m a single parent, I will swap weekends with ex when it suits us and the kids but would never be put out if I asked and he said no, I regularly have this and have to source a baby sitter!