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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
VioletVesper · 11/02/2022 19:09

@MichelleScarn

It's almost laughable (well actually it is) all the sm hate. "How selfish are you op for not realising your birthday isn't about you tsk tsk! You need to start planning things around the ex, in fact hell no! No plans ever! Ex may need a swap at any time and to not be ready to do this, proves your uber evil sm role!"
It really is.

Hope you have a lovely birthday OP! Smile

JangolinaPitt · 11/02/2022 19:11

@T00Ts

I can’t believe posters on here. How in the name of fuck does the ex’s concert ‘trump’ the OP’s birthday plans when it’s the ex’s weekend to have the kids anyway?! Just how?!

Some of you are bonkers. Like the OP said, an amicable relationship with an ex does not mean doing whatever they want for fear of reprisals.

Totally agree! Incredible that the the DH didn’t simply say, sorry can’t swap as is @Birthday197 birthday! My STBXH had form for this…
BOOTS52 · 11/02/2022 19:12

Stick to your birthday plans with your husband as important to have one on one time and it is your special day. He should be able to just text ex to say am sorry would do it any other weekend but it is wife/your name birthday so have plans already made. If not he is putting his ex first and her needs and as the birthday girl is having a weekend free of their own kids as does not happen often why should they change their plans. Tell him he better not sulk and ruin your birthday and make a big deal out of it. If it was a family birthday then she would just want their own kids there. Keep to your plans and if he is not willing to do so then go out with your friends as you should be his priority. Surely she must have family or friends who can help her out for a night but that is not your problem. Enjoy your birthday and childfree weekend.

Amybelle88 · 11/02/2022 19:15

Your birthday trumps ex going to a concert on a night you’re not supposed to have the kids. He should say no.

peboh · 11/02/2022 19:17

Glad he said no! Hope you have a lovely time celebrating your birthday x

Feeascotime · 11/02/2022 19:39

YANBU. It is a special occasion and a chance to have couple time. Hope the concert was not booked before bouncing it off you.

Mollymoostoo · 11/02/2022 19:46

@Cocomarine

I don’t think celebrating your birthday on your birthday is that big a deal. Even for kids, the big celebration is often the Sat or Sun closest. In this situation, because a concert is a specific date, personally I’d have no issue at all. Family meal out on the Saturday, with a couples meal firmly planned in soon after. It’s not for me to say you shouldn’t care about it being your actual birthday - but I don’t see that it’s important myself. Maybe she could have your kids on Friday night?

Or why not both? His kids with her must be older - if I was grandparent I’d happily sit for the lot. Will your parents do that?

I would fall more on the side of saying no to her request if it was really hard for you to get a child free night. But I’m not getting that vibe? His ex is flexible, so that’s not an issue. Is it that you haven’t prioritised getting a night off together, or that it’s actually difficult?

This isn't about his children, it is about him making his existence wants more I.portant than his wife's. They are his kids but if she wants a night out she should ask her own family and he should day no. Me and my husband have almost split several times because his ex thinks we are free childcare. There is being a parent and being a doormat.
Dnaltocs · 11/02/2022 19:46

Just have the entire family. Grow up, your not a child. There are other times you can go out together. There will be an atmosphere if you don’t. It’s unusual to have a decent arrangement with ex partners and this ought to be cherished.
You are fortunate to be having a family gathering as covid is still present.

Fatgalslim · 11/02/2022 19:54

@Dnaltocs

Just have the entire family. Grow up, your not a child. There are other times you can go out together. There will be an atmosphere if you don’t. It’s unusual to have a decent arrangement with ex partners and this ought to be cherished. You are fortunate to be having a family gathering as covid is still present.
Oh shut up
Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/02/2022 19:56

@Dnaltocs

Just have the entire family. Grow up, your not a child. There are other times you can go out together. There will be an atmosphere if you don’t. It’s unusual to have a decent arrangement with ex partners and this ought to be cherished. You are fortunate to be having a family gathering as covid is still present.
What a lot of nonsense.
Ginger1982 · 11/02/2022 20:11

@Dnaltocs

Just have the entire family. Grow up, your not a child. There are other times you can go out together. There will be an atmosphere if you don’t. It’s unusual to have a decent arrangement with ex partners and this ought to be cherished. You are fortunate to be having a family gathering as covid is still present.
What a load of shite.
cheektpara · 11/02/2022 20:14

@Dnaltocs

Just have the entire family. Grow up, your not a child. There are other times you can go out together. There will be an atmosphere if you don’t. It’s unusual to have a decent arrangement with ex partners and this ought to be cherished. You are fortunate to be having a family gathering as covid is still present.

FFS Hmm

Fudgemonkeys · 11/02/2022 20:15

Well done hubby!! I'm a step mum and know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it's nice to come first with plans having already been made before being asked to change them. Enjoy your time together ❤️

Fudgemonkeys · 11/02/2022 20:16

If you're not a step parent I'd say it's hard for you to understand Smile

Feeascotime · 11/02/2022 20:19

The bottom line is what you want on your birthday. If you want it to be a couple thing that's your choice. In our family, birthdays are a big deal for that family member and we bend over backwards to make it a special day. I don't think you're being unreasonable and it's your choice. Could you not find other childcare?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/02/2022 20:21

@Fudgemonkeys

If you're not a step parent I'd say it's hard for you to understand Smile
Not really, I'm not a step parent but I can understand.
Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 11/02/2022 20:22

I agree with you on this op, i wouldn't have been happy at all if you'd planned a babysitter for your children then he agreed to have his knowing you'd planned a night out for your birthday. I'm glad he said no to both and you can enjoy the birthday weekend you planned. Have a ball 🎉🎈🍾🥂

MrsFirth2006 · 11/02/2022 20:28

Absolutely you do not give up your birthday weekend! It sounds a bit like he is frightened to say no for fear of upsetting his amicable relationship with her. My brother is very similar and I have realised his ex holds all the trump cards knowing full well my brother would never say no.
He has to say no. It’s your birthday but he is willing to forgo that to please his ex?

maybloss2 · 11/02/2022 20:40

Ok, be up front but not confrontational with yr do. Have you told ex no? If not why not? And then state it’s important to me that our arrangements are the prime ones in arrangements. By not prioritising my birthday, which is I have already got child care for our kids,you are making your ex’s wishes paramount. This is not ok. I do not want a family birthday, I want a child free birthday and you knew that. I will be going out with my friends. Calmly no raised voices. If he has by chance told ex no, then you can just say Thankyou for recognising that this is important for me.

Mo1911 · 11/02/2022 20:44

I've read this thread twice now and I just can't understand for the life of me why you can't just do your birthday another time, it's really no big deal. It seems very petty and selfish not to rearrange to another night so that everyone can keep their plans and be happy. I'm guessing that the kids mum will the thinking similar. A birthday can be celebrated anytime, a concert is a fixed date so should definitely take priority. Goodness knows how the poor children must feel. I hope you make it up to them big time, it's the least you can do.

Womencanlift · 11/02/2022 20:53

@Mo1911

I've read this thread twice now and I just can't understand for the life of me why you can't just do your birthday another time, it's really no big deal. It seems very petty and selfish not to rearrange to another night so that everyone can keep their plans and be happy. I'm guessing that the kids mum will the thinking similar. A birthday can be celebrated anytime, a concert is a fixed date so should definitely take priority. Goodness knows how the poor children must feel. I hope you make it up to them big time, it's the least you can do.
Well maybe the mum should have confirmed childcare before agree to attend or buying the tickets. Not the OPs responsibility to move her plans - which I’m glad she hasn’t
BedisBliss · 11/02/2022 20:53

@Googlecanthelpme

You’re fine to say no, just as if you & DP wanted to swap and you asked Ex and she said “sorry no it’s my bday and I have plans”

And also being someone who gets almost no adult time alone with my partner I would also be slightly annoyed if he backed out of our plans to facilitate his ex having a night out.
You have the kids 50/50, it’s fairly split.
I see no issue in saying no sorry already have plans. Hopefully she has a back up childcare option.

If he refuses to say no then absolutely get yourself out to enjoy your birthday without having to be mum! Oh and when it’s his birthday, make sure to plan him a nice family event where he doesn’t get to actually enjoy any of it because he’s too busy running round after the kids!

Agree! You have been obliging in the past and her concert wasn't planned months in advance. Like others have said - bet he said, yes' when actually saying no and explaining why would have undoubtedly been ok. Go out with your chums and have a lovely birthday!
BedisBliss · 11/02/2022 20:59

Just read all your updates @Birthday197. Really pleased you have had a happy ending and a husband who puts you before the ex. Some of the responses on here have been bonkers, though!

NumberTheory · 11/02/2022 21:00

@Mo1911

I've read this thread twice now and I just can't understand for the life of me why you can't just do your birthday another time, it's really no big deal. It seems very petty and selfish not to rearrange to another night so that everyone can keep their plans and be happy. I'm guessing that the kids mum will the thinking similar. A birthday can be celebrated anytime, a concert is a fixed date so should definitely take priority. Goodness knows how the poor children must feel. I hope you make it up to them big time, it's the least you can do.
In what way is "everyone" keeping their plans when the OP, her DH, her kids, her parents and her step kids are all having to alter their's?

What exactly is OP supposed to "make up" to "the poor children"? How are they in any way harmed by OP not agreeing to change plans at the last minute?

Feeascotime · 11/02/2022 21:00

@Mo1911 it is not selfish. It's her
special day and once a year. A day a husband should set aside without question, especially as it is important to her. One does not have to accommodate others always. It is her perogative. Let's hope next year they respect her wishes and Mark that date in the diary!