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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
lightisnotwhite · 10/02/2022 21:27

If it’s her weekend to have kids, she sorts childcare.
You and ex can’t do it because you have plans.

End off

Hadjab · 10/02/2022 21:27

@Birthday197

If I can just celebrate my birthday with the kids, maybe ex could just take them to her concert?
Exactly this!
CaraVanDam · 10/02/2022 21:33

Cant they just have a chat? Find out how desperate she is to go to the concert

If she knows its your birthday she may change her plans

The ex may not be even that bothered or may say no problem, she can ask her parents/babysitter etc.

Rona95 · 10/02/2022 21:34

I do think it's weird that he wants you to celebrate your birthday with his children, not yours lol bizarre!

Personally, I would push the meal back to the following weekend (if it suited your parents to babysit) and have my meal and drinks the following weekend. But I would make damn sure the ex knew of my sacrifice and appreciated it! 🤣

RobertsRadio · 10/02/2022 21:35

Well the ex will just have to arrange for a babysitter like most people would have to do. Just because you are flexible most of the time it doesn't mean she gets to demand that her wishes are more important than yours especially on your birthday. She just needs to get her arse into gear and pay a babysitter.

Bookworm20 · 10/02/2022 21:36

Hold on. He says he told her no, but is now suggesting swapping your dinner to the Friday? So still trying to move your birthday plans?
Why didn’t he say no to that straight away also?
I think he may have said yes and is still trying to find ways not to have to tell the ex he has messed up and she can’t go to concert after all.

TheUndoingProject · 10/02/2022 21:45

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. She asked if you’re free, you’re not. So she can arrange a babysitter or not go - no drama. I think having the flexibility (and amicability!) to play things by ear a bit is great, but that doesn’t mean her plans always have to trump yours.

It sounds like the real issue is with your DH who doesn’t think your birthday plans are that important, or at least would prefer to prioritise the kids over them. That’s for you to discuss with him, it’s nothing really to do with the relationship with his ex.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2022 21:50

She should have checked it was convenient before booking the concert.

Alternatively she can get a babysitter.

Do you ever say No to her @Birthday197 or are you always available?

Nowomenaroundeh · 10/02/2022 21:59

Yadnbu OP and some of the replies are ridiculous.

I'd be miffed with your DP. It's your birthday, you've organised your parents to babysit, it's not your weekend yet he thought his ex's concert plans should trump yours. How is it a nice family day when your kids are elsewhere?

Personally I think you should plan the friends night out anyway.

Ohdoleavemealone · 10/02/2022 22:01

I agree with you OP. We don't always get what we want. On this occasion with very little notice the Ex cannot go out unless she finds other childcare.
If you had generic plans on a day that wasn't special to you then I would say swap but it is your birthday and so her request is no more important than your own.

MangoBiscuit · 10/02/2022 22:03

Eugh! The amount of martyrs on here. "After a certain age your birthday doesn't matter" bollocks to that. I am a human being, all by myself. Having kids, or getting older whilst shock being female, doesn't negate that! I will celebrate my birthday as I WANT TO!

With regards to who has the kids, exW asked, you already have plans that are date dependant, so no, you can't have them. End of. This should never have even been a discussion.

Glad you're getting your birthday OP.

Coyoacan · 10/02/2022 22:18

I'm shocked at the number of people thinking that the ex's plans should trump the OP's plans or that OP's partner is so keen to have his children, that his wishes should also trump the OP's plans.

I'm all for making step-mothers' lives more difficult, but there is a limit.

MusicByTheLake · 10/02/2022 22:25

I'm all for making step-mothers' lives more difficult, but there is a limit.

😮

SaySomethingMan · 10/02/2022 22:25

@Lovemusic33

It’s fine to say no but it’s also fine to go out another night for your birthday or to go out with the step kids?

I don’t get why people are so precious about birthdays, celebrating a couple days after isn’t a big deal and celebrating with step kids isn’t the end of the world either. I have a big birthday in a few days but because it’s a weekday and I’m a single parent I shall be spending it alone, I won’t be celebrating until half term when my dc can celebrate with me, it’s not a huge deal.

It’s not a huge deal for you, either by choice or personal circumstances and that’s fair enough. For others, it’s a huge desk and that’s fine too.
Blossomtoes · 10/02/2022 22:29

@girlmom21

I'd agree to all go out together if he takes you out alone the following weekend. Then you get two birthday celebrations 🤷‍♀️
The perfect compromise.
CrappleCake · 10/02/2022 22:34

The perfect compromise

Why does OP have to compromise anything? She isn't the one trying to make plans when she should have her kids.

CrappleCake · 10/02/2022 22:35

I'm all for making step-mothers' lives more difficult, but there is a limit

Why? Says more about you than step mothers but okay.

Imagine if the step mother had said "I'm all for making the exes life hard". Be rightly torn to shreds.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/02/2022 22:36

If she was so keen on this particular concert, she'd have booked tickets herself. Not waited for some friend to wave a spare in her direction a week beforehand.

There are many concerts every week. She can go to a concert any time she likes.

LottieePopssX · 10/02/2022 22:36

YANBU - this happened to me on my birthday in December and I still get annoyed when I think about it. Only difference is the relationship with ExW isn't amicable so had her calling him non-stop all day too!

saraclara · 10/02/2022 22:37

Everyone saying the OP should compromise seems to be ignoring the fact that this would mess her parents about too. If I know I'm sitting my DD I make plans around it. Suddenly telling me at the last minute that it's being moved to the next weekend or the night before is a pain in the neck sometimes, and it might well be that I've rescheduled an arrangement in order to babysit, or have turned something else down. And maybe I'VE booked something for the alternative day. So the ex is messing OP about, changing Op's kids' plans, and messing OP's parents around.

Grandparents are people too.

saraclara · 10/02/2022 22:37

Sitting my DGD, even! I don't babysit my DD.

MichelleScarn · 10/02/2022 22:39

Quite right @saraclara and maybe the dgp and gc are also looking forward to seeing each other!

WonderfulYou · 10/02/2022 22:43

If I can just celebrate my birthday with the kids, maybe ex could just take them to her concert?

You need tickets for concerts and most don’t allow people under a certain age so they won’t be able to go whereas your thing isn’t something that can’t be rearranged as you can do it any other time.

If she just wanted a night out then I definitely would have said no but if it’s a one off event then I would have said yes.

I rearranged my birthday plans a few years ago as my sister wanted me to have her kids as she wanted to go to an event.
I celebrated my birthday on my actual birthday with the kids and then went out the following weekend so I had 2 birthday celebrations so it was even better.

I personally don’t get why people are so concerned about celebrating on the actual day.

Scbchl · 10/02/2022 22:46

I'm baffled at some of the replys on here saying her concert should be prioritised over your birthday. No it absolutely shouldn't. Its her weekend, you have plans already. End of story. Why the hell should you rearrange your plans and be put out so she can go to a concert on her weekend. Tough shit. She will need to arrange another babysitter as you have done for your kids.

Have a lovely birthday and a nice night.

VelvetChairGirl · 10/02/2022 22:47

Just have a family day, you signed up for it when you dated someone with baggage.

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