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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
buckeejit · 10/02/2022 22:48

Yanbu & he is BU to consider it.

KarmaStar · 10/02/2022 22:49

If you were a child wanting to celebrate on the day I would agree but as an adult I would not be bothered.
It depends if she bought the tickets and just assumed you'd say yes,that was rude but then maybe she thought you had your dc anyway,who knows?
But your dh shouldn't put his ex before you.

CrappleCake · 10/02/2022 22:50

@VelvetChairGirl

Just have a family day, you signed up for it when you dated someone with baggage.
Are there actually people out there that think this way?

Book a concert on her birthday and see how many people think she should just celebrate another time so you could go. (Spoiler: no one would think that).

VivX · 10/02/2022 22:51

OP, YANBU. It's your birthday and you had already made plans and arranged childcare. You've been flexible when you're able, as has she, and that works both ways.

It is possible that ex has only asked on the off-chance and is prepared to make alternative arrangements anyway.

But either way, it's her weekend, she should sort childcare.

And more importantly, your dh should know all this! (I hope he hasn't already said yes.)

CrappleCake · 10/02/2022 22:52

@KarmaStar

If you were a child wanting to celebrate on the day I would agree but as an adult I would not be bothered. It depends if she bought the tickets and just assumed you'd say yes,that was rude but then maybe she thought you had your dc anyway,who knows? But your dh shouldn't put his ex before you.
The birthday is irrelevant. They have plans, for which they have already arranged childcare for their own children. Something which the ex will have to do for hers if she also wants to go out.

They do not need to compromise or mess other people (the grandparents) about changing plans now to appease the ex. They can say no sorry and she, like lots of other parents do (like OP has done!!!), Will need to arrange something else for her kids if she still wants to go.

saraclara · 10/02/2022 22:53

It doesn't even matter that it's OP's birthday. It's not her DH's weekend to have the kids, she's booked an adult meal out and her parents are having the kids. They have plans, so no, they can't help out, ex will have to get a sitter.

CrappleCake · 10/02/2022 22:54

No single poster would expect the mother to do this for her ex husband. Not one. I'd bet my house.

saraclara · 10/02/2022 22:54

@VelvetChairGirl

Just have a family day, you signed up for it when you dated someone with baggage.
No she didn't. She signed up for having the step kids around on the days her DH has them.
Rona95 · 10/02/2022 22:57

@Coyoacan

I'm all for making step-mothers' lives more difficult, but there is a limit

What on earth is wrong with you?

Mellowyellow222 · 10/02/2022 22:58

@CrappleCake

No single poster would expect the mother to do this for her ex husband. Not one. I'd bet my house.
I agree. There truly is a step mum bias here.

This lady has plans for her birthday. She has arranged babysitters for her children. Her step children are scheduled to be with their mother.

The mother of her step children now wants to go out so OP is expected to change her plans to accommodate the ex.

A lot of nonsense being spited about birthdays not being important. It’s important to OP. Doesn’t matter that the rest of you would rather have a dominos infront of the telly with all the kids.

For god sake - it’s okay to go out for dinner on your birthday. You don’t have to sacrifice if of any and all happiness at the alter of the first wife.

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 23:07

He's said no to swapping to Friday too so all sorted and plans are continuing! Smile

OP posts:
Goldwhisper · 10/02/2022 23:13

Glad it’s worked out for you. My jaw dropped reading all these people telling you look after the kids so ex can go out on your birthday instead of you 🤯

MichelleScarn · 10/02/2022 23:19

It's almost laughable (well actually it is) all the sm hate.
"How selfish are you op for not realising your birthday isn't about you tsk tsk! You need to start planning things around the ex, in fact hell no! No plans ever! Ex may need a swap at any time and to not be ready to do this, proves your uber evil sm role!"

jilllanguage · 10/02/2022 23:26

I think you're being reasonable. I know someone said an amicable co parenting relationship is priceless - I agree but that doesn't mean cancelling or missing out on your own plans to accommodate the exes plans. Of course if you don't have anything on then it's great they can swap and be flexible like that but if the co parenting relationship is based solely on your partner saying yes to all of his exes requests then their co parenting relationship isn't really that strong. Ask your partner to text his ex back and explain the situation. Or offer an alternative, sorry we have plans Friday but could do Saturday?

MusicByTheLake · 10/02/2022 23:37

He's said no to swapping to Friday too so all sorted and plans are continuing!

Glad it’s all sorted. A conversation is all that’s required if you’re in a good relationship where you listen to each other. People can be so dramatic.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 10/02/2022 23:38

Coyoacan
I'm all for making step-mothers' lives more difficult, but there is a limit.

VelvetChairGirl
Just have a family day, you signed up for it when you dated someone with baggage.

I'm a step-mother - I kept running into people like you, trying to make step-family life a misery. We're not all the wicked version from the fairy tales so why do you think we should be treated as less than human for standing up for ourselves occasionally? And Coyoacan - wondering what your limits are?

Mogwig · 10/02/2022 23:48

Omg so basically her going to a concert is more important than him going with you for your birthday treat?

NumberTheory · 11/02/2022 02:20

@WonderfulYou

If I can just celebrate my birthday with the kids, maybe ex could just take them to her concert?

You need tickets for concerts and most don’t allow people under a certain age so they won’t be able to go whereas your thing isn’t something that can’t be rearranged as you can do it any other time.

If she just wanted a night out then I definitely would have said no but if it’s a one off event then I would have said yes.

I rearranged my birthday plans a few years ago as my sister wanted me to have her kids as she wanted to go to an event.
I celebrated my birthday on my actual birthday with the kids and then went out the following weekend so I had 2 birthday celebrations so it was even better.

I personally don’t get why people are so concerned about celebrating on the actual day.

Concerts are almost never one off events. Most bands play more than one date in a year, often at the same venues, and there are many different concerts every day of the year. They are more frequent than birthdays.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/02/2022 06:11

@VelvetChairGirl

Just have a family day, you signed up for it when you dated someone with baggage.
What a weird take. I don't feel like this about my DS's stepmum. Yes, she has to accept that DS will be around and that he comes first but he's not her child and if she wanted to celebrate her birthday child free of course she should.
timeisnotaline · 11/02/2022 06:20

I’m relieved how this worked out, I was afraid the ops dh would be in line with the crazy suggestions here that despite it being exs weekend, ops actual birthday and shes arranged her parents to babysit her dc so they can go out, she should simply cancel all that because the ex wants to go to a concert and didn’t think to make any arrangements for her dc on her weekend.!

MiddleParking · 11/02/2022 06:56

@VelvetChairGirl

Just have a family day, you signed up for it when you dated someone with baggage.
Aww, does someone need a little birds and bees explanation of how that ‘baggage’ came into existence?
gettingolderandgrumpy · 11/02/2022 07:55

@Goldwhisper

Glad it’s worked out for you. My jaw dropped reading all these people telling you look after the kids so ex can go out on your birthday instead of you 🤯
Mine too , people are weird saying concert more important than a birthday arrangement. She already made plans tough .
TiredMamaBear · 11/02/2022 08:29

@Birthday197

He's said no to swapping to Friday too so all sorted and plans are continuing! Smile
Yay you!! Have fun!!!
Coyoacan · 11/02/2022 11:52

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo and @Rona95, I was being ironic. My criticism for was all the people telling the OP that the mother's concert should trump her birthday.
.

Notwithittoday · 11/02/2022 11:55

@Birthday197

He's said no to swapping to Friday too so all sorted and plans are continuing! Smile
Excellent
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