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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My name is not on the mortgage and I pay him £700 per month

395 replies

Star54 · 09/02/2022 17:56

I have been with my partner for 30 plus years, we have grown up children and I work full time in a high pressured role. I have always worked and paid towards the house and the bills. We never married although we got engaged. He is now retired and has been for circa 10 years, I give him £700 per month and pay a significant part of the food bill, I also pay when we go out for meals etc. I have left him before twice but returned in part because he refused to give me any money from the house to start anew. My name is not on the house deeds and there is no mortgage, if I raise it the issue always causes a row and he says that he is saving the family as I could walk off and take money from him. I am at the end of my tether and now fel I should leave. Am I being unreasonable given that he had a property in his own right when we first met (I was 21 and am now in my 50s). I am strong him my job but not assertive in my relationship as I have felt bad for leaving him before.

OP posts:
Orchid876 · 09/02/2022 19:36

You need legal advice, but yes I would leave him when you’ve got your ducks in a row. How long has the house been mortgage free? It sounds like this could be financial abuse, so I’d talk to a solicitor about that. I mean, in a healthy relationship you wouldn’t be paying £700 a month rent on a fully paid for house.

MRS54321 · 09/02/2022 19:37

You need to get married to him ASAP
I can’t believe after 30 years he doesn’t see you as worth looking after
No one has mentioned his pension? You won’t get it if he passes?

newbiename · 09/02/2022 19:39

Has he got a will ? What happens if he dies tomorrow?

howtoleaveit · 09/02/2022 19:39

Oh shit. This is bad. Go see a solicitor now. Find out what you can do. You can definitely register an interest with land registry so he can’t sell it from under you. Why would you pay this? What will £700 get you where you live? You’re 50 with nothing!! You’ve been well and truly used. You could have owned your own apartment by now with 30 years of payments. Solicitor!

Ginger1982 · 09/02/2022 19:40

Should have got married.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 09/02/2022 19:40

I think the £700 plus food sounds ok. It’s probably similar to a house share.
I don’t think you’ll be entitled to anything as your name isn’t on the deeds, my friend is in exactly the same situation. She’s early 50’s living in a 675k house her fiancé owns.

Thoosa · 09/02/2022 19:41

@MRS54321

You need to get married to him ASAP I can’t believe after 30 years he doesn’t see you as worth looking after No one has mentioned his pension? You won’t get it if he passes?
He won’t agree to marry any more than he will agree to put OP on the deeds. He only cares about the £££s, and maybe the control it gives him over OP, too.
SmellinOfTroy · 09/02/2022 19:42

Why on earth???

MrBoldwood · 09/02/2022 19:46

You have absolutely no rights at all in this set up. I would be making some changes immediately if I were you. He has no respect for you.

cptartapp · 09/02/2022 19:47

Why get engaged if you weren't going to set an imminent date and get married? What a waste of time. Meaningless. And if you split, a broken engagement behind you.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/02/2022 19:50

As LityleMissTake said you need specialist legal advice re trying to claim a beneficial interest. It’s not straightforward you will need a solicitor specialising. Won’t be cheap but given sums potentially involved worth exploring.
Have you got a will, who have you nominated as beneficiary under pension, death in service etc. Has he got a will ? If not it goes via intestacy so his children inherit - potentially messy if he has children from prior relationship who want you out asap if he dies.
Decent rough guide on CAB re differences married v living together.
No such thing as common law spouse in England but it’s a very commonly held misapprehension, I found some stats that almost 50% of adults believed in it.
What’s done is done op but don’t bury head any longer.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 09/02/2022 19:50

Did he own the house outright before you moved in, or have you been paying towards the cost of the mortgage?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/02/2022 19:51

You'll get nothing. I'm sorry.

RandomLondoner · 09/02/2022 19:52

@Thoosa

You are concerned that the mother of your children should have somewhere secure and suitable to live following your split, though, presumably *@RandomLondoner* ?

I mean you do recognise the ways she’s contributed to the home and family? Financially, emotionally and practically? You wouldn’t want your children to have to worry about their mother?

She's just bought a 600K property, putting down a 300K deposit with money she saved by only contributing 25% to our finances, and using her 100K salary to get a 300K mortgage. She has a 1.5 million pension fund, the tax free lump sum from which will pay off her mortgage, when she retires.
WonderfulYou · 09/02/2022 19:53

I mean, in a healthy relationship you wouldn’t be paying £700 a month rent on a fully paid for house.

I would assume that OP pays half of her wage into the joint money to help pay for things like water, electricity, car, clothes etc not just for ‘rent’.

AfterSchoolWorry · 09/02/2022 19:54

Omg 🙈

NeverChange · 09/02/2022 19:55

Common law spouse is like Santa Claus!

A nice idea, has a feel good factor, people want to believe it exists but it's not real.

MommaJP · 09/02/2022 19:57

If you take the money side of things out of it, can you say your happy?
If the answer is no, maybe look at other options of living £700 is alot of money to give with no security and not comfortable/ trust.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/02/2022 19:58

If he has a pension has he nominated you as beneficiary if he dies?
If he’s money minded depending on value of house and estate could potential inheritance tax persuade him to marry - he’s not protecting family money if by being unmarried he’s costing estate iht. Some couples chose to marry in later life for this reason. If he’s anti marriage you can have a civil partnership.

Bakewelltart987 · 09/02/2022 19:59

What is the 700 for?

OpheliaTrousersnake · 09/02/2022 20:02

@LittleMissTake

You might be able to claim a beneficial interest under a constructive trust. This is a complex area of law. Please google solicitors with expertise in this field.
This is the most sensible advice on this thread.
QforCucumber · 09/02/2022 20:03

I’m intrigued @RandomLondoner, this years your ex partner contributed nothing, we’re those years she wasn’t working while raising your joint children by any chance?

RosesAndHellebores · 09/02/2022 20:03

I wish I could say something helpful to you op. At best there may be a deal to be done in relation to a proportion of the property and a clean break. At least your pension is probably safeguarded.

Whilst £700 seems a lot, a proportion of that will go towards utilities and food and those are the sums that need to be worked out.

However, he has been an arse. In the early days I had the house and dh had nothing. That's why we had a pre-nup detailing that the equity on marriage was mine and half thereafter based on capital appreciation from that date. That was fair from both our perspectives.

I agree that you need proper legal advice.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/02/2022 20:05

To register matrimonial home rights eg to stop family home solely in his name from being sold under you need to be married.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/marriage-your-rights-to-your-home/

Thoosa · 09/02/2022 20:07

She’s not married @Dixiechickonhols